conversation

How to Avoid the #1 Communication Mistake that Destroys Relationships

September 19, 2012 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

It happened again. You didn’t mean to say anything. You knew it would blow everything up. But someone had to do something. Someone had to man up and put so and so in his/her place. You were the only one with the guts to do it. You hated to hurt feelings, but someone had to say out loud what everyone else was thinking. And now, it’s all over but the crying. It doesn’t matter who is the other person in this scenario, husband, wife, child, parent, brother, sister, church-member, co-worker, employee, boss. It’s now a mess. The emotional mess is all over the place. There is psychological blood running on the floor. And now you wish you hadn’t said it, but you just didn’t know what to do. Someone had to say something. The question is did they have to say what you did?

Let’s talk about that.

“How To Have that Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding”

January 11, 2012 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

Last week was New Year’s and many of us resolved to watch less tv, read more books. Whether or not that’s the case for you, if you only have one book that you have time to read this year…well, of course, make it the Bible. But if you have time to read two books this year, I’d like to make a recommendation: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding by Drs. Cloud and Townsend.

Check out the video review by clicking the link below.

Listen More than You Talk

January 28, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

Anytime people gather together in any kind of organization, communication becomes of utmost importance. So many problems and struggles would be overcome if we could simply learn to communicate better.

James 1:19 provides three great guidelines for helpful communication. Granted, the text is primarily about our relationship with God. However, I think these three guidelines will help us all with any of our communications.

1. Be quick to hear.

God put the hearing first. Sadly, when I start communicating, I often put cotton in my ears. I quit listening. All I’m thinking about is what I’m going to say next. I’m not listening to figure out what the other person is really saying. Sadly, I too often have my mind made up about what the other person means or thinks ahead of time. Then I interpret everything he/she says in that way and make my responses accordingly.

I need to be quick to hear, quick to listen. Quick to gain understanding.

2. Be slow to speak

I need to take the cotton I usually have in my ears and put it in my mouth. I am often ready to jump in to every conversation without even thinking. The first thing that pops into my head will just jump out on the table. Once it is said, it is too late to pull it back in. Even when I figure out later that I had misunderstood what was really going on, I won’t be able to fix that. I need to quit thinking that my thoughts are the most important in the discussion.

I need to be slow to speak. Slow to voice my opinion. Slow to show my ignorance and lack of understanding. I need to wait to speak until I really know what is going on and have something worthwhile to say.

3. Be slow to anger

I think it is very interesting that this is part of the communication guidelines. How easily I become angered with others. But I have learned that my anger never does me any good. I can even call it righteous indignation and drum up a thousand reasons why I’m in the right and the others are in the wrong. However, not once has my anger ever solved any problems between me and other people. My anger has only ever made things worse. My anger has often made miscommunications all out wars. If I’m angry, I need to deal with it. But I need to deal with it properly. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:26-27, anger gives Satan a foothold. We need to deal with it quickly and properly or he’ll weasel his way into our lives and relationships and absolutely destroy them.

I need to be slow to anger. Slow to vent my wrath. I need to breathe deeply and maintain my calm so a cool head can prevail.

There are numerous times in the life of a church that violating these guidelines can produce all manner of problems, whether in interpersonal relationships, relationships with the elders, preaching, teaching, everything. Peace doesn’t happen accidentally in a congregation. Peace happens when we all learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

7 Keys to Stop Interrupting

February 11, 2009 by Edwin Crozier 2 Comments

Last week we noted 12 things we say to our family when we repeatedly interrupt them. I promised we’d look at ways to overcome interrupting behavior this week. I have developed seven keys to help you overcome interruption.

Key #1: Check your pride

Interruption is an indicator of pride. As we learned last week it says that what I’m saying is more important than what you are saying. I don’t care how you cut it, if interruption is a habit for you, it is only a symptom of a deeper character defect–pride.

You’ve got to get rid of that. First, you have to know you’ve got it. that will go a long way in helping you overcome it. Then you have to actively root out the sources of your arrogance and pride, bringing yourself down a notch or two.

No doubt, you’ve done some great things, but you aren’t Jesus. You need to approach your family with humility.

Key #2: Respect whoever is speaking to you

I don’t care if it’s your spouse, your parents or your children, respect them. This is the other side of Key #1. You need to humble yourself, but exalt the speaker in your own mind. You need to view whoever is speaking as more important than you.

I don’t have any trouble listening to those I think know more than me and from whom I think I can learn a lot. However, when I start to lose respect for people, you can bet I’m going to interrupt a lot. Again, that is my pride thinking they should listen to me more than I should listen to them.

As I increase my respect and recognize that I can learn from anyone and everyone, then I start listening better and letting people finish. I don’t want to miss anything from them because what they’re saying may help me.

I need to even have this mindset with my children. I never know what I might learn from them. I need to show them respect and let them finish what they are saying before I respond.

Key #3: Quit trying to win

We can easily slip into compete mode, acting as if every conversation is a battle we must win. The battle may be about whose right. It may be about whose smarter. It may be that we want to prove they didn’t have to tell us anything, we were two steps ahead of them. Or maybe it is just our pride trying to prove we already know everything.

The purpose of conversation is not to win. It is to draw closer to others. Through communication and conversation we build relationships. Even if we disagree with the other person and are certain they are wrong, we should listen to draw closer. They are far more likely to listen to us, if we listened to them. We can take even a disagreement and make it an opportunity to connect and relate if we’ll simply listen before responding. At the same time, we can agree with some but drive a wedge so deeply in a relationship it never recovers all because we didn’t listen first.

Let your conversations be about building relationships not winning battles.

Key #4: Press the pause button

Before you open your mouth, hit your mental pause button. Even if the other person is not speaking at the moment, allow some silence before responding. You may find out they were only getting their breath. If they really were done, the pause will give even further indication you were listening and considering. Additionally, the pause provides us time to actually think before we speak.

Our problem with this is we don’t like silence. We become uncomfortable if there is too much silence. Sadly, because of that, we want to jump in as soon as there is soon as there is a gap, even if we can easily tell the speaker is only drawing breath.

“But the person may wonder what I’m doing when I’m silent.” Sure they might. Especially if it’s a phone conversation. When they ask, “What’s wrong?” (which they’ll ask because they are also trained to believe silence means there is a problem), just reply, “Nothing, I’m considering what you said and thinking about it for a moment.” Watch their shocked looks when you say this.

Key #5: Rephrase and reflect

In his best-selling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey teaches we should seek first to understand and then be understood. In that process, he teaches us to demonstrate our understanding by rephrasing the content and reflect the meaning. Put what the other has said in our own words and speak it back to them to see if we’re understanding correctly.

Of course, I can’t rephrase the content and reflect the meaning unless I’ve listened fully. If I start speaking in the middle of their sentence, I can’t possibly know enough about what they’ve said to take it back to them to see if I understand. Therefore, this habit is a great way to make sure we’re listening and not interrupting.

By the way, take careful note of “rephrase the content.” If your spouse says, “You always interrupt me.” And you say, “Your saying I always interrupt you.” You are not seeking understanding, you’re just being annoying. Instead you can say, “You’re upset with me because I don’t let you finish what you’re saying. Am I right?”

Key #6: Give your family permission to call you on it

We interrupt without even thinking about it. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it. It just seemed natural to start speaking, so we did. Give your family (even your children) permission to call you on your interruptions. This needs to be a boundary in your family. When you interrupt even your children, you have crossed the boundary and they need to be allowed to tell you. Certainly, teach them how to tell you respectfully, but let them do it.

I know, I know, you can’t believe I would tell you to let your children call you on interrupting them. After all, they’re kids, we’re the parents. They should be listening to us more anyway. The issue is listening is a point of politeness and respect. It is a demonstration of healthy relationships. You can assert your authority all day long about how you should get to interrupt your children or you can develop a healthy relationship with them and let them express it when you’ve crossed the boundary.

I promise you, if you do this repeatedly, and you give others permission to call you on it, you’ll be amazed at how often you cross the boundary. Plus, the constant reminder will help you be self-aware and work on the problem.

key #7: Apologize

When you’re called out for your interruption, apologize (even if it is too your children). Let them know that you know what that interruption said nonverbally and you didn’t intend that. Reaffirm your love for them. Then encourage them to finish. Sit there and listen.

Don’t sit there waiting for your opportunity to speak. Sit there and listen.

Don’t play passive aggressive games with them. When they’re finally done don’t sit there silently until they ask why you aren’t responding and then say something like, “Oh, are you done finally? Can I talk now?”

Listen. You may press the pause button. If they ask why you aren’t responding, politely point out that you realized you weren’t listening earlier and now your considering what they’ve said before you responded.

No doubt, there are times to interrupt and be interrupted. If the building has caught on fire or Junior is outside bleeding, then interruptions are warranted. If someone is getting completely out of line and needs to be stopped, interruption is warranted. If the telemarketer is going on and on and on, don’t just interrupt, hang up (I had to include that one because I received a telemarketing phone call while writing this post and the guy just didn’t know when to shut up).

Remember, nothing says, “I love you,” like actually listening to your family, thinking about what they’ve said and then responding. Nothing says, “I’m a jerk,” like interrupting. I know which I want to say. Now, if I can only live by these principles.

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs, Pt. 3–Teach Them to Talk About Things

January 27, 2009 by Edwin Crozier 8 Comments

The three rules of unhealthy families are

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

We’ve learned over the past two weeks that these rules are a sure fire way to lead our kids into addictions and failed relationships. I’ll repeat, there’s no fool proof way of having happy healthy kids. But we can certainly give our kids a leg up if we learn to break these rules.

Nobody thinks they live by the last rule. At least, I haven’t been with any families who declare they have taken a vow of silence. They talk. They talk about football, baseball and the Olympics. They discuss the weather. They share the latest office gossip. They talk about every one else’s problems. But when it comes to anything truly deep, meaningful and personal, they are silent as the grave. Instead of talking, they toss around jokes (all the while declaring the jokes demonstrate they are emotionally healthy), they rage, they minimize, they sidestep, they stonewall.

Few families actually allow talk about feelings, problems or embarrassing situations. There may be a huge pink elephant in the room. Most families will walk gingerly around it and never say anything, pretending it’s not in the way and doesn’t smell.

We’ll start with the big pink elephant rearing its head in this blog post. Junior comes home from school and says, “Mom, what’s oral sex?” Mom gasps and drops her coffee cup on the floor. As she hurriedly runs to grab a towel she shouts, “Where did you hear about that?” “Tommy said his older brother’s girlfriend does it.” “What!? We don’t talk about that. I don’t want you talking to Tommy anymore.” Junior just learned, in his family, you’re not allowed to talk about sex. Where will Junior go one day when he’s experiencing sexual feelings and is really interested in finding out more about it? Not Mom and Dad, it’s against the rules to talk about sex in their family.

How about this scenario? Susie’s still dressed in her volleyball uniform when Dad gets home from work late. “Dad, you said you’d be at my game this time.” Dad, already frustrated from a tough day at the office harshly replies, “Look, I don’t want to talk about it. When you’re an adult you’ll understand.” What did Susie learn? Her family doesn’t talk about hurts and feelings. Where will she go one day when she’s really hurt by some young man? Not her parents. We don’t talk about hurts here.

Or yet another. Pre-teen Johnny asks his Mom, “Why does our church do such and such? Jimmy’s church doesn’t do that.” Mom, likely not very sure herself responds, “Because that’s what God said and I won’t let you go around questioning what God said. Do you understand me, young man?” What did Johnny learn? In our family we aren’t allowed to talk about spiritual questions and especially disagreements. Where will Johnny go one day when he’s really having a crisis of faith? Not his parents. They don’t talk about spiritual matters in their family.

I hate to bring up this one because this is one where I follow the rules too often. Dad rebukes Mary for something. Mary, having been unjustly accused and misunderstood, “But, Dad…” “No ‘buts,’ young lady. You will listen to me and you won’t give me any lip. Do you understand?” What did Mary learn? I’m not allowed to talk about injustice when I’ve been wronged or speak up in my own defense. Where will Mary go when someone touches her inappropriately and made her feel uncomfortable and dirty? Not to Mom and Dad. She’s knows what the person did was wrong but knows just as firmly her parents will blame her and she’s not allowed to speak up in her own defense.

Things we’re definitely not allowed to talk about. Dad’s alcoholism, Mom’s raging fits. The black sheep older brother who’s taking drugs and got a girl pregnant. The teenager next door who has spiked green hair and a chain running from his pierced nose to his pierced ear. We don’t talk about sex. We don’t talk about death and dying. We don’t talk about our hurts. We don’t talk about our feelings. We’re not allowed to say we’re sad. We’re definitely not allowed to say we’re mad. If we ever say we’re anything but happy, someone might even bring God into the picture, saying, “God doesn’t like it when you’re sad. You better cheer up now or I’ll give you something to cry about.” We learn that we’re not good Christians if we ever say we’re anything but, “I’m blessed.”

There’s a great little scene in the 1995 Emma Thompson version of Sense and Sensibility. Following a very trying lunch and afternoon with Mrs. Jennings, who was trying to figure out if the Dashwood girls had any suitors, Marianne rebuked Margaret for parading ignorant assumptions about a Mr. F being engaged to their sister Elinor. Marianne speaks ill of Mrs. Jennings and Margaret pipes up in her defense and Mrs. Dashwood, the girls’ mother, cuts the conversation short.

Margaret: I like her, she talks about things. We never talk about things.

Mrs. Dashwood: Hush, please. That is enough Margaret. If you cannot think of anything appropriate to say you will please restrict your remarks to the weather.

And thus we learn we are not allowed to talk about “things.” No, we haven’t taken a vow of silence, but since we’re not allowed to feel and we don’t trust anyone with our feelings anyway, we don’t talk about “things.” Sadly, in this scenario we know many things about the people with whom we live, but we don’t actually know them. And we certainly don’t want them to know us. After all, we haven’t talked about it because we don’t trust them.

Certainly, we need structure in our homes. Children should speak with respect. Children do need to learn some conversations are not appropriate in certain settings. However, we do need to let our children know it is good to talk about things. We need to learn to talk about things. Let us not restrict our remarks to the weather.