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A Springboard for Your Family Life

“The Dumbest Generation” by Mark Bauerlein (A Review by Shane Scott)

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Glad you could make it to today’s Springboard for Your Family Life. I have a special treat “presidential candidate” Shane Scott, who runs the Faith and Thought blog, has put on his serious cap for this guest post and provided us a great review of Mark Bauerlein’s book The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30). Thanks Shane for this excellent review.

“The Dumbest Generation”

The basic thesis of The Dumbest Generationis spelled out in its subtitle: “How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30).” Mark Bauerlein’s argument is that the under-30 generation (sometimes called the “Millennials”) have more information and technology at their fingertips than any other generation in history, but ironically this digital revolution has contracted rather than expanded their knowledge. 

Why is this the case? Part of it according to Bauerlein is the intrinsic nature of digital media. The under-30s rarely read books (Bauerlein calls them “bibliophobes”). Instead, they prefer the computer screen. While in theory lots of reading could be done on the web, the fact is that the inherent design of web pages discourages deep and thoughtful reading. As Nielsen Norman (an expert in web page development) said in response to a question on how web users read, “They don’t” (p. 143). 

As a result, the under-30 generation lags behind other nations in intellectual development. Almost a quarter of them need remedial reading and writing classes once they reach college, and even the National Association of Manufacturers complains that one of its major problems is finding workers with adequate reading comprehension skills (p. 63). Under-30 kids rank poorly in comparison to kids in other industrial countries in math (although they rank far ahead in how good they think they are!), indicating that we are setting this generation up for demoralizing failure-convincing them they are much better prepared for college and work than they really are (pp. 192-195). 

Another major factor in the stunted intellectual development of the millennials is the “peer absorption” texting, instant messaging, and social networking foster (p. 133). Previous generations of kids were just as concerned about their peers, but once they got home from school, they were no longer immersed in the world of their peers, aside from talking on a landline. But the under-30s can remain in constant contact with peers by virtue of texting, cell phones, instant messaging, and the web. Thus a millennial can remain in a cocoon of teenage culture. 

As a result, under-30 kids are deprived of a vital component of the transition from adolescence to adulthood – the vertical modeling of older, more mature mentors like parents, teachers, employers, ministers, and so on (pp. 136). This vertical modeling enables teens to see what the real world is like, and reinforces how trivial so many of the concerns of their own peer group is contrast to the authentic issues of life. Even worse, the digital technology allows teens to construct a “reflexive surrounding” of blogs, games, videos, music, messages that “mirror their woes and fantasies” rather than challenging them to move beyond the limited horizon of their friends to experience adult realities (pp. 137-138). 

Bauerlein’s concerns are for the future of American democracy. How can we survive without a well-informed electorate that can reason and debate the great issues? But as I read this book I could not help but fear for the future of God’s people in our culture. After all, the Bible is a book–and if the millennials are uninterested in books and therefore becoming incapable of the deep and reflective focus needed to understand the Scriptures. 

Here is what I often see. I see families who use DVD players to babysit their kids or to pacify them in trips in the van, completely missing out on the opportunity for cross-generational interaction. I remember road trips when I was a little boy (partly because I often got carsick!), but mainly because I remember how much fun it was to listen to Mom and Granny and Pop (and later, to argue with them about things like politics!). Once kids outgrow watching DVDs they have iPods and handheld video games to occupy them, and when they are older cellphones with unlimited texting. For some kids, even the short 20 minute drive to church is impossible to survive without being plugged into the lives of their peers at every moment. 

So is it any wonder that we have a generation of kids that knows each other’s list of “25 unusual facts about me,” but does not know the most basic facts about Jesus. Kids who are lagging in spiritual maturity because it is rare for an older mentor to penetrate the bubble of peer consciousness and help them grow wiser than their years. And kids who are so used to creating a digital environment tailored to their likes and interests that they resist doing anything they don’t find fun or interesting. 

The other day I was talking with one of my friends who is around 30, and I made the comment that the push for gay marriage is a clear example of the generation gap. My point was that people my age and older listen to the arguments for gay marriage, and our response is very simple – if no culture in human history (included the cultures that openly tolerated homosexuality) ever thought it was a good idea to define marriage as between a man and man or woman and woman, why should we suddenly redefine marriage now? But the problem is that a generation submerged in itself is “disassociated from tradition, with nobody telling them that sometimes they must mute the voices inside them and heed instead the voices of distant greatness” (p. 190). 

This review probably makes me sound like an old fogey! But my thoughts – like this book – are prompted by nothing but love and concern for my friends under 30. This is not an issue of innate intelligence (in fact, the IQ scores of kids continue to rise). It is the frustration at seeing so much potential for good squandered. And so, I urge all of you who are above 30 to embrace the role of curmudgeon, to challenge, prod, provoke the kids you have contact with. If you are a parent, restrict their access to the digital wasteland. And to whatever extent you have influence, help them be ready for the day to come when it is time to “put away childish things.”

Why We Should Always Ask Questions First and Discipline Later

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A friend of mine tells a story on himself that I have to share with you. I won’t include any names in order to protect the innocent (and guilty). I’m just glad every once in a while I get to use someone else as an example instead of always having to use me.

Anyway, this good brother had taught his children not to take the Lord’s name in vain…ever. He had even taught against the popular euphemisms for the Lord’s name. He wanted his family to always accord the Lord the very highest respect. 

How embarrassed and shocked he was when at a picnic he heard his young son hollering almost at the top of his lungs, “Oh my God!” The crime had been committed. The witnesses were everywhere. Punishment must be administered. He yanked up his son and paddled him on the spot. A moment later his wife approached and said, “Hon, he was singing the new song I taught him. You know the part that says ‘Oh my God, I trust in thee.'” As my friend shared the story, I could tell, he still felt small for that one. I felt small for him. I uttered a little prayer of thanksgiving that I’m not the only dad who blows it sometimes.

But the reason God let’s us make mistakes is to learn from them. Certainly, we dads have every responsibility to discipline our children. A good time to practice discipline is when God is disrespected. However, the extreme nature of this story demonstrates a point we need always remember. Even when it seems obvious that our children have done something wrong, we need to get the facts first. Even when it seems absolutely clear our children have violated the rules and crossed the boundaries, we need to press the pause button, calm down, and find out the complete story. 

We must not react out of embarrassment, anger, wrath, pride, or any other emotion that prompts hasty discipline. If after investigation, we learn our children have indeed crossed the boundary, then we should discipline them for their good (Hebrews 12:9-10). It will still have its value. Discipline doesn’t have to be absolutely immediate for it to be effective. We can take time to investigate and make sure the discipline is warranted.

When we press the pause button, we will certainly avoid unnecessary guilt for messing up. Fortunately, our children are resilient and forgiving. When we apologize and ask for forgiveness, they are usually quick to give it. But, it certainly makes us feel better if we get a handle on the situation first.

Pray through the Bible with Your Family

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Seemingly, one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is to pass on spiritual disciplines such as daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve heard many state they don’t have time. I’ve heard many state they just keep putting it off. However, perhaps the most often used reason is, “I just don’t know how.” Today’s springboard for your family will provide you an excellent practical way to pass on both spiritual disciplines at one time.

Why Bother?

However, before I give you that tool, let’s first back up and understand that this is not homework. This is not an issue of having to study and pray enough to be good enough to go to heaven. This is not an issue of if we miss a day, we’ll go to hell. Do you remember what Peter said to Jesus in John 6:68 when Jesus had asked if the disciples wanted to leave Him? Peter said Jesus had the words of life, where else would they go? We don’t study the Bible to be good enough to go to heaven. We study the Bible because it contains Jesus’ words of life. There is no other source for life. Thus, if we don’t get in the word, we’ll have death.

In like manner, note Psalm 145:18: “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” If the Lord is near those who call on Him, what does that mean about those who don’t? We do not pray to be good enough to go to heaven. We pray because that is what draws us close to God. If we are not close to God, the adversary will eat us for lunch.

We don’t do these things as a checklist to get the right things done. We do them because life is contained in these disciplines. If we don’t do them, we’ll die. Think of it like insulin for the diabetic. The diabetic doesn’t take insulin because he/she has to, has been assigned to, or wants to be good enough. Absolutely not. Rather, the diabetic takes insulin because without it the result is a diabetic coma and death. These disciplines are our medicine that keep us connected to the real power of God.

So, are you ready for this revolutionary tool to help you practice these disciplines and pass them on to your children? I admit, I adapted this from my good friend David Banning, who in turn, took it from the creators of the Our Spiritual Heritage Bible class curriculum. We call it “Praying through the Bible.” Here’s how it works.

Praying through the Bible

Gather your family together and let each person have a sheet of paper. On the sheet of paper write five sentence starters with space in between.

“Dear God, You are…”

“Dear God, You…”

“Dear God, forgive me for…”

“Dear God, thank you for…”

“Dear God, help…”

Then, have someone read a section of scripture. You may read a whole chapter. You may read a whole story. You may read a few verses that contain some powerful messages. As the reading is being done, have everyone work on completing those sentences based upon the reading.

For example: Read Genesis 1. You might finish the sentences in this way.

“Dear God, You are the creator of all things and the giver of life.”

“Dear God, You created the world and everything in it.”

“Dear God, forgive me for not taking better care of Your creation and not giving You the proper praise for Your great power and might.”

“Dear God, thank You for providing such a wonderful world, perfectly suited for us to live.”

“Dear God, help my faith in You as creator and sovereign Lord of the universe grow every day.”

Trust me, you’ll be amazed at the answers your children come up with.

When you are done with the reading, discuss what everyone has written down. Can you see how this part is great Bible study. Without saying, “We’re going to study Genesis 1,” you have studied and discussed it with your children. After discussing the passage, go around the room and let everyone pray. I always tell my children that they can pray about whatever they want, but we do want them to be sure to pray through what they have written down. You might even keep a journal of what everyone says so you can look back over what you’ve learned and prayed about.

By the way, if your children didn’t come up with an ending for some of the sentences, don’t worry about it. As they hear yours, they’ll get better at it.

Yes, this takes some time. Yes, this takes some work. Yes, it will take some discipline from us as parents. But it will be worth it. It will revolutionize your family prayer life.

Thanks for jumping on today’s springboard. I hope it gives you a great boost in your family life.

Happy Birthday, Marita!

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Thirty-six years ago today, one of the most special people in the world to me was born. At the time, I had no idea she existed. Of course, at the time, I was not even here. For 20 years, we were oblivious to each other’s existence. She lived in Birmingham at a time when My Dad and I were repeatedly traveling through the city. We may have ridden in cars side by side down the interstate and not even known it.

We met at The University of North Alabama in Florence while eating lunch or dinner (I can’t remember which) at Harold and Annelle Comer’s home. She was beautiful and I was smitten. However, she was still pretty much oblivious to my existence. So, I became a pest. Finally, I got up the nerve to ask her out. She was doing her nails or something like that and couldn’t make it. I was not to be so easily put off. Finally, we went out on a date. Then another. Then another.

I regret to say we were one of those couples who couldn’t decide if we were actually going to keep going out or not. She broke up with me a couple of times, but I kept pulling her back in. Finally, we hit a point where it all just clicked. 

I regret that I was a loser when it came to proposing. I heard a friend talk about renting a limo and taking his girlfriend out on a great date when he proposed. I wish that could be my story. Instead, I was working on all kinds of plans to make my proposal a wonderful Valentine’s present back in 1995. However, I was carrying the ring in my pocket (big mistake) when we pulled into the Chinese buffet for lunch. There we were, parked in the back of this cheap Chinese buffet, parked next to the dumpster no less, the ring burning a hole in my pocket and I blurted out, “Do you want your Valentine’s present?” “Sure,” she said. Out came the ring and a mumbled proposal. I wish I had asked her dad’s permission first. But not only was I a bumbler, I wasn’t as respectful as I should be. Fortunately, he wasn’t too mad about it.

The hassle and wait for a big wedding was just too much. So, we had a small family affair on April 15, 1995. I had finally caught her. HAH! I wish I could say I’ve been a stellar husband for the last 14 years. The truth is, not so much. Because of my total lack of stellarness, we’ve had some rocky days. I’m sure she’s wondered over and over again how on earth she got stuck with me when she could have ended up with so many better guys. But what I appreciate most about her is she didn’t simply get stuck with me, she has stuck with me. Even when I’ve had to apologize for really big blunders, she’s always been there. Most of the time she even says she respects me–go figure.

Thanks to her, I have four wonderful, healthy children. She does most of the raising. She does a great job. She keeps us fed. She keeps us clothed. She keeps sheets on the bed. She keeps us comfortable in our home. She’s a melancholy, so she never thinks she does a great job at any of this and doesn’t believe me when I say it, but she is awesome at all of it.

Today is my springboard for the family day. Maybe this isn’t much of a springboard for you and your family, but I just couldn’t help but give a shout out to the biggest springboard in my family and in my life.

Marita, thank you for marrying me. Thank you for staying with me. I look forward to growing old with you.

 

If You Need a Real Springboard, Here It Is

For those looking for a real springboard for your marriage, here it is. Never let a blog post count as your birthday gift to your wife.

The #1 Rule to Remember in a Disagreement/Argument

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If you’re married and/or have kids, you’re going to have disagreements. There’s no way to get around them. They will happen so get ready. I want to share with you the #1 rule I’ve learned will help you get through all your disagreements. Of course, it takes way more than knowing this rule, you have to apply it. I’ve known it a long time. I’m not always the best at applying it.

Sadly, if I forget to apply this rule while in an argument, I lose focus of what’s most important. My goal becomes to win the argument. Winning means either to get my way, prove I’m right, or just get whoever is disagreeing with me to shut up. It’s also an extra bonus if I force them to have to admit I was right and they were wrong and then hold it over their heads for a while. 

Are you seeing where this relationship is going? When this is going on, I may be winning the battles, but I’m losing the relationship. After several of these adventures, the person on the other end of the disagreement just wants to get away from me. Whether it’s Marita, my kids, my extended family, or friends. 

So, what’s the #1 rule? 

Keep the relationship the main thing.

That’s right, even in the heat of the argument I need to remember that the most important thing is the relationship, not winning the argument, not proving my point, not shutting the other person up, not getting gloating rights, not venting my frustrations, not putting them in their place. The number one thing is growing closer to the person with whom I’m arguing. Yes, even a disagreement can result in closer union and more emotional intimacy.

When we get into a disagreement, we need to remember that in a little while that conversation will be over, the decision will be made, and we’ll still have to live with the person at the other end. Do we really want to live with the result of raging so much we made them cry? Do we really want them walking away saying, “There’s no talking to him/her”? Do we really want them hurt or embittered because of the names we called them? Do we really want them wilting inside thinking they can’t ever talk to us because we don’t fight fair?

When I feel myself getting tensed up, when I hear my voice raising in pitch and volume, when I sense my temperature rising, I need to breath deeply, remind myself what is most important. When this disagreement is dealt with, I want my relationship with the other person to be stronger, deeper, closer. Then I need to ask, how can I listen to their point of view and also express mine in a way that will accomplish that?

Above all, I need to…

Keep the relationship the main thing.

7 Keys to Stop Interrupting

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Last week we noted 12 things we say to our family when we repeatedly interrupt them. I promised we’d look at ways to overcome interrupting behavior this week. I have developed seven keys to help you overcome interruption.

Key #1: Check your pride

Interruption is an indicator of pride. As we learned last week it says that what I’m saying is more important than what you are saying. I don’t care how you cut it, if interruption is a habit for you, it is only a symptom of a deeper character defect–pride.

You’ve got to get rid of that. First, you have to know you’ve got it. that will go a long way in helping you overcome it. Then you have to actively root out the sources of your arrogance and pride, bringing yourself down a notch or two. 

No doubt, you’ve done some great things, but you aren’t Jesus. You need to approach your family with humility.

Key #2: Respect whoever is speaking to you

I don’t care if it’s your spouse, your parents or your children, respect them. This is the other side of Key #1. You need to humble yourself, but exalt the speaker in your own mind. You need to view whoever is speaking as more important than you.

I don’t have any trouble listening to those I think know more than me and from whom I think I can learn a lot. However, when I start to lose respect for people, you can bet I’m going to interrupt a lot. Again, that is my pride thinking they should listen to me more than I should listen to them. 

As I increase my respect and recognize that I can learn from anyone and everyone, then I start listening better and letting people finish. I don’t want to miss anything from them because what they’re saying may help me. 

I need to even have this mindset with my children. I never know what I might learn from them. I need to show them respect and let them finish what they are saying before I respond.

Key #3: Quit trying to win

We can easily slip into compete mode, acting as if every conversation is a battle we must win. The battle may be about whose right. It may be about whose smarter. It may be that we want to prove they didn’t have to tell us anything, we were two steps ahead of them. Or maybe it is just our pride trying to prove we already know everything.

The purpose of conversation is not to win. It is to draw closer to others. Through communication and conversation we build relationships. Even if we disagree with the other person and are certain they are wrong, we should listen to draw closer. They are far more likely to listen to us, if we listened to them. We can take even a disagreement and make it an opportunity to connect and relate if we’ll simply listen before responding. At the same time, we can agree with some but drive a wedge so deeply in a relationship it never recovers all because we didn’t listen first.

Let your conversations be about building relationships not winning battles.

Key #4: Press the pause button

Before you open your mouth, hit your mental pause button. Even if the other person is not speaking at the moment, allow some silence before responding. You may find out they were only getting their breath. If they really were done, the pause will give even further indication you were listening and considering. Additionally, the pause provides us time to actually think before we speak. 

Our problem with this is we don’t like silence. We become uncomfortable if there is too much silence. Sadly, because of that, we want to jump in as soon as there is soon as there is a gap, even if we can easily tell the speaker is only drawing breath.

“But the person may wonder what I’m doing when I’m silent.” Sure they might. Especially if it’s a phone conversation. When they ask, “What’s wrong?” (which they’ll ask because they are also trained to believe silence means there is a problem), just reply, “Nothing, I’m considering what you said and thinking about it for a moment.” Watch their shocked looks when you say this.

Key #5: Rephrase and reflect

In his best-selling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey teaches we should seek first to understand and then be understood. In that process, he teaches us to demonstrate our understanding by rephrasing the content and reflect the meaning. Put what the other has said in our own words and speak it back to them to see if we’re understanding correctly. 

Of course, I can’t rephrase the content and reflect the meaning unless I’ve listened fully. If I start speaking in the middle of their sentence, I can’t possibly know enough about what they’ve said to take it back to them to see if I understand. Therefore, this habit is a great way to make sure we’re listening and not interrupting.

By the way, take careful note of “rephrase the content.” If your spouse says, “You always interrupt me.” And you say, “Your saying I always interrupt you.” You are not seeking understanding, you’re just being annoying. Instead you can say, “You’re upset with me because I don’t let you finish what you’re saying. Am I right?”

Key #6: Give your family permission to call you on it

We interrupt without even thinking about it. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it. It just seemed natural to start speaking, so we did. Give your family (even your children) permission to call you on your interruptions. This needs to be a boundary in your family. When you interrupt even your children, you have crossed the boundary and they need to be allowed to tell you. Certainly, teach them how to tell you respectfully, but let them do it.

I know, I know, you can’t believe I would tell you to let your children call you on interrupting them. After all, they’re kids, we’re the parents. They should be listening to us more anyway. The issue is listening is a point of politeness and respect. It is a demonstration of healthy relationships. You can assert your authority all day long about how you should get to interrupt your children or you can develop a healthy relationship with them and let them express it when you’ve crossed the boundary.

I promise you, if you do this repeatedly, and you give others permission to call you on it, you’ll be amazed at how often you cross the boundary. Plus, the constant reminder will help you be self-aware and work on the problem.

key #7: Apologize

When you’re called out for your interruption, apologize (even if it is too your children). Let them know that you know what that interruption said nonverbally and you didn’t intend that. Reaffirm your love for them. Then encourage them to finish. Sit there and listen.

Don’t sit there waiting for your opportunity to speak. Sit there and listen. 

Don’t play passive aggressive games with them.  When they’re finally done don’t sit there silently until they ask why you aren’t responding and then say something like, “Oh, are you done finally? Can I talk now?” 

Listen. You may press the pause button. If they ask why you aren’t responding, politely point out that you realized you weren’t listening earlier and now your considering what they’ve said before you responded.

No doubt, there are times to interrupt and be interrupted. If the building has caught on fire or Junior is outside bleeding, then interruptions are warranted. If someone is getting completely out of line and needs to be stopped, interruption is warranted. If the telemarketer is going on and on and on, don’t just interrupt, hang up (I had to include that one because I received a telemarketing phone call while writing this post and the guy just didn’t know when to shut up). 

Remember, nothing says, “I love you,” like actually listening to your family, thinking about what they’ve said and then responding. Nothing says, “I’m a jerk,” like interrupting. I know which I want to say. Now, if I can only live by these principles.