Edwin Crozier

Listen More than You Talk

January 28, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

Anytime people gather together in any kind of organization, communication becomes of utmost importance. So many problems and struggles would be overcome if we could simply learn to communicate better.

James 1:19 provides three great guidelines for helpful communication. Granted, the text is primarily about our relationship with God. However, I think these three guidelines will help us all with any of our communications.

1. Be quick to hear.

God put the hearing first. Sadly, when I start communicating, I often put cotton in my ears. I quit listening. All I’m thinking about is what I’m going to say next. I’m not listening to figure out what the other person is really saying. Sadly, I too often have my mind made up about what the other person means or thinks ahead of time. Then I interpret everything he/she says in that way and make my responses accordingly.

I need to be quick to hear, quick to listen. Quick to gain understanding.

2. Be slow to speak

I need to take the cotton I usually have in my ears and put it in my mouth. I am often ready to jump in to every conversation without even thinking. The first thing that pops into my head will just jump out on the table. Once it is said, it is too late to pull it back in. Even when I figure out later that I had misunderstood what was really going on, I won’t be able to fix that. I need to quit thinking that my thoughts are the most important in the discussion.

I need to be slow to speak. Slow to voice my opinion. Slow to show my ignorance and lack of understanding. I need to wait to speak until I really know what is going on and have something worthwhile to say.

3. Be slow to anger

I think it is very interesting that this is part of the communication guidelines. How easily I become angered with others. But I have learned that my anger never does me any good. I can even call it righteous indignation and drum up a thousand reasons why I’m in the right and the others are in the wrong. However, not once has my anger ever solved any problems between me and other people. My anger has only ever made things worse. My anger has often made miscommunications all out wars. If I’m angry, I need to deal with it. But I need to deal with it properly. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:26-27, anger gives Satan a foothold. We need to deal with it quickly and properly or he’ll weasel his way into our lives and relationships and absolutely destroy them.

I need to be slow to anger. Slow to vent my wrath. I need to breathe deeply and maintain my calm so a cool head can prevail.

There are numerous times in the life of a church that violating these guidelines can produce all manner of problems, whether in interpersonal relationships, relationships with the elders, preaching, teaching, everything. Peace doesn’t happen accidentally in a congregation. Peace happens when we all learn to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

Let Your Family be the Sparkle of Your Eye

January 26, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 6 Comments

My Macbook cratered while I was in New York this past weekend (I thought that wasn’t supposed to happen to Macs). That’s why no post hit the internet yesterday. We’ll get back to the lessons in maturity next week (hopefully, I am traveling then as well so that is a bit up in the air).

How do you feel when you see someone and their eyes light up? I love it.

Yesterday, I got in the family car at the airport after a long weekend trip to New York (great trip, by the way, thanks for asking). While most of the family was clamoring to get me to take them out to eat, my two year old simply smiled and exclaimed, “Daddyyyyyy!” It was as if I was the only important person in her world at that moment. She was glad to see me (and not merely to ask for something out of my wallet). It melted my heart and made me glad to be alive.

If that is how I felt when she treated me that way, how will my family feel if I treat them that way all the time. It is so easy to get caught up in the rat-race, humdrum of every day living that we take our spouse and kids for granted. We walk in the house after a long day of work, our spouse walks in after a day at work or an errand to the store, our kids walk in after a day of school or time outside playing with friends, and we act like it is no big deal. What if every time we walked into the house or our family did, we dropped the cares of the world, the pressures of work, the frustrations of the day and acted like we were absolutely, truly, and utterly excited about being in the presence of these people? What if we commonly ran up to give hugs and act like we were lucky to see this person again. After all, that last time we saw them could have been the last time we ever saw them. But now we get to see them again.

I’m not naive. I know none of us will act like this all the time. But what if we made it a habit to show our kids and spouse that they are the sparkle of our eye? At the very least, let our faces brighten when we see them. Smile and let the smile get to our eyes. Demonstrate that we are happy they are with us.

I’m betting that 30 seconds of smiles and hugs will totally change the tenor of our homes. I know it will be tough sometimes because the days are troublesome. It’s easy to just walk in the house and let the day’s anxieties seep out at our families, but let’s make it our goal to walk in the house today with a smile and let the family know how glad we are to see them because they are the sparkle in our eye. Do that first. There will be time to share the stresses in a few minutes, first let’s share the joy of getting to see each other again.

Find Out What’s Really Going On Before You Discipline Your Kids

January 19, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 3 Comments

kid in corner by Ken Wilcox I had another great reminder the other day that my initial reaction to a situation may not be the right one. I need to press a pause button before I simply lay into one of my kids with a disciplinary measure.

Marita was rightly upset with Ethan. He had been disrespectful and disobedient. I was at the office when all this took place, but if I understand it correctly, Marita was in a hurry to gather the kids together to get to a doctor’s appointment for Tessa. They had all gone to what we call “book club.” It’s a homeschool group we’re part of in which the kids of different ages get to read books together and do different learning projects based on the books. Two of our neighbors host it. Marita, Tessa, and Ethan were at one house, Ryan was at the neighbor’s house.

When it came time to go, they were leaving early, Marita sent Ethan to get Ryan from the other house. Ethan pitched a fit, acted rebelliously, caused a scene, and had various other problems. Let’s face it, I don’t care what the reason is behind this, this behavior is wrong. Discipline needs to take place. My problem is I often simply jump to the discipline without trying to figure out what is really going on. Because I don’t figure out what is really going on, the discipline doesn’t actually work. It just produces bitterness.

I guess on this day, God was doing for me what I can’t do for myself. When Marita told me what happened and asked me to deal with Ethan, instead of getting wrapped up in embarrassment that he had this scene in front of other people, I stepped back and wondered why my normally obedient son pitched this major fit. So, before disciplining I asked him, “What was that about? Why did you do that?”

The reason is he knew they were in a hurry and he had wanted to drop by our house to get a book to take with them to the doctor so he wouldn’t be bored. He thought if he took the time to go get Ryan, he wouldn’t have time to go to the house. So, he was afraid and angry. He expressed that fear and anger with a fit.

Please understand this. I’m not going all Dr. Spock on you. We don’t need to look at this situation and say, “Oh, Ethan was just expressing himself. That’s okay.” He was expressing himself incorrectly and inappropriately and that cannot be allowed to continue. However, if all I had done was say, “You’re not allowed to act like that,” and spanked or grounded him, we wouldn’t have actually dealt with the real issue. The real issue is he had some fear and some anger and he needed to learn how to express that. Even more so, he had a desire that he needed to learn how to express. If I had simply disciplined him for the improper behavior, all he would have learned is, “I don’t get to want things. I don’t get to tell people what I want or need. I’m not ever allowed to be upset about something. What’s going on inside me is wrong, bad, and unimportant.” In my experience, these are dangerous lessons to learn.

Instead, we were able to discuss the appropriate ways to talk to his mom (or me) about his needs and desires. We were able to discuss the appropriate ways to share what his fears and angers are. We have a plan in our family to deal with this event and Ethan had forgotten it. If we ever ask our children to do something and they believe they are aware of something we aren’t or they have an idea that might be different they are allowed to respectfully say, “May I please make an appeal?”

So, in this situation it would have sounded something like this:

Marita says, “It’s time to go. We’re in a hurry. Ethan, run up to the neighbor’s house and get Ryan.”

Ethan is upset because he thinks this means he won’t be able to get his book out of the house before they leave, so he’ll be bored, stuck in the doctor’s office with nothing to do. He responds, “Mom, I’d be happy to do that, but can I please make an appeal?”

“What is it, Ethan?”

“I really don’t want to be bored at the doctor so I wanted to get my book from home. Can I please run to the house and get my book and let Tessa go get Ryan?”

To which Marita would have responded, “Don’t worry, Ethan. Go get Ryan, we’re all going to stop at the house before we leave.”

Of course, Ethan is 10. The conversation wouldn’t have been perfectly like that and I don’t expect him to memorize a catechism of proper responses to his parents. But it would have been a whole lot better than slamming doors, kicking things, yelling, and making a scene.

So, I was able to spend a few minutes with Ethan talking about how to respond in that kind of situation. I was able to talk to him about how to let his wants be known by talking about them instead of expressing them through manipulative displays of frustrated emotion. We were also able to talk about the fact that sometimes things don’t work out the way we want. It’s okay to be disappointed and upset, but it is not appropriate to take that out on people by rebellion, meanness, antagonism. He might make the appeal and Marita end up saying, “No.” In those moments, he needs to learn to express his emotion in productive, not destructive, ways.

This whole situation reminded me that before I simply respond to an action with a discipline. I need to back up and find out what is really going on. Otherwise, the discipline isn’t going to do any good. I did well that day. I’ve blown it multiple times since then. Today, I plan to be on top of my game. We’ll see.

Growing Up: Part 2 (The Child Stage)

January 18, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). A few weeks ago, I discussed the first of their five stages of maturity. I promised to share the other four and then promptly got distracted by the change on my blog. Today, I want to get back to this series. I hope this will spark some great discussion about growing up and growing up in the Lord and growing up God’s way.

The Child Stage (4-12)

The infant stage was marked by a needy baby who simply cannot articulate those needs. The infant needs parents who will provide unconditional love and meet needs without being asked.

The child has progressed. The child has learned to say what he needs. The child begins to learn how to take care of herself. Please note very carefully, the child begins to learn how to take care of herself, not someone else. It is not the child’s job to caretake the parent. It is not the child’s job to caretake other children. The child is learning how to take care of herself.

When roles are reversed, that is the child is having to provide the emotional or physical needs of the parent or to act the parent to the other children, he may seem mature beyond his years. However, this child will often development emotional impairment that will become apparent in years to come.

During this stage, the child still needs to receive unconditional love. She should not have to earn love. She can earn rewards, but love must always be unconditional.

Progressing to the Next Level

The child has six tasks to accomplish to help him grow to the next level of maturity.

The child can ask for what is needed and learns to say what he thinks or feels.
The child learns what brings personal satisfaction.
The child needs to develop enough persistence to do hard things.
The child begins to develop personal resources and talents.
The child knows self and takes responsibility to make self understandable to others.
The child needs to learn how he fits into history and into the big picture of what life is all about.

The child learns to do this as the parents and community surrounding her fulfill their responsibilities to her.

The parents must teach the child how to appropriately express needs, feelings, and thoughts.
The parents must teach the child how to evaluate the consequences of her own behavior and to identify what satisfies her.
The parents must challenge and encourage the child to do difficult things that she may not want to do.
The parents must provide opportunities and resources to develop her unique talents and abilities.
The parents must guide the child to discover the unique characteristics of her heart.
The parents must educate the child about her family’s history and the history of the family of God (p. 30).

Getting Stuck as a Child

If the child doesn’t accomplish these tasks, he can get stuck at this level of maturity, no matter how biologically old he is. In other words, he could be 35 biologically, but still a child emotionally.

“‘Child adults’ who have adult bodies but are emotionally at the child level of maturity, will always appear ego-centric. Unlike ‘infant adults’ who cannot take care of themselves, ‘child adults’ can take care of themselves but they can only take care of themselves–and often that is at the expense of others” (p. 21).

“Child adults” will experience continual frustration because they do not know how to ask for their needs to be met. Therefore, their needs don’t get met. They can become passive-aggressive, trying to get others to meet their needs but not knowing how to get that done. Thus, they resort to manipulation. Because they don’t understand what provides real satisfaction, they are in a desperate hunt for it, chasing it in many unhealthy places, such as obsession or addiction to food, drugs, sex, money, power, etc. Because they have never learned the joy of sticking with a hard project to successful completion, they only know failure. They become stuck and undependable. They are in a constant search for a comfortable fantasy life that doesn’t really exist for anyone. Because they haven’t developed their own talents and resources, their lives are marked by unproductive activities, floating from entertainment to recreation to entertainment, accomplishing nothing of value to themselves or society. Because they haven’t developed their own healthy sense of self and personal identity, they will conform to outside influences that distort and misshape their identity and sense of self. Because they have never seen how they fit within history and the big picture of life, they feel disconnected from the family and history. They are unable to protect themselves from family lies or dysfunctions that are passed on (p. 30).

The Spiritual Application

Regrettably, in most churches, Christians are never really allowed to be children in Christ. It is as if they are to go from babes in Christ to mature adults, even having the “elder” level of maturity almost from the beginning. They aren’t allowed to be immature. They aren’t allowed to express what they think or feel. They have to very quickly learn to toe the line of the mature Christians’ thinking around them. Of course, this mindset usually demonstrates the “mature” Christians around them aren’t quite as mature as they think.

Also, regrettably, while churches often do a good job at helping a Christian child learn the right answers to the right questions, they rarely do a good job at helping a Christian child develop their own talents and resources in serving Christ. That is, unless their talent is song-leading or waiting on the Lord’s Supper table. We have all kinds of training for those low-level public tasks. But what about the real needs in a Christian community that deal with serving, helping, one-on-one encouragement, etc. Churches do very little training in these areas.

Clearly, we need to work with Christian children to help them persevere in difficult things. Challenge them and encourage them to step up to the plate in spiritual tasks. Encourage them to study things that are deeper than what they’ve done in the past. Challenge them to serve in ways they haven’t yet. Provide guidance and support, but don’t do the work for them.

What about education in seeing themselves in the big picture of the history of the family of God? Certainly, many churches do a great job studying Acts over and over again, but what about placing each individual in the context of Christian history beginning with the Bible and leading up to today. I know I rarely think about that. In fact, before reading this, I would have said, “Who cares? It doesn’t matter what has happened throughout history. It only matters what they did in the Bible days.” I’m not suggesting the history of Christendom is some kind of authority for us. However, I can say that recently I was asked to present a lecture on some pre-reformation “heretical sects” (that is sects considered heretical by the Roman Catholic church). It was eye-opening about my own place in the continuing and unfolding drama of people throughout the ages striving to figure out how to surrender to God’s will. On a personal level, I have found great joy since reading this as I’ve made it a personal goal in my family to share our family history. For instance, it was great to learn and pass on to my children that our family name means “cross bearer” and that we have a family motto that means “The cross is my key to heaven.” What a great family legacy to pass on.

What If We’re the Ones Stuck

The scary thing is if we read this description and see ourselves. What if we are the “child adult”? As adults, we are responsible for our maturity. We can’t just sit back and bemoan the fact that our family and our community haven’t fulfilled their tasks in helping us grow. Instead, we need to find someone who is at the parent and elder stage of maturity and ask them to help us grow. Ephesians 4:11-14 says God provided certain people within His body to help us develop to manhood. We need to find some of these to help us. We need to openly and honestly tell them where we think we are and see if they are willing to mentor and shepherd us to maturity. But make sure the relationship is a healthy one. If the shepherd or mentor starts to heap unhealthy shame and guilt on you, feel free to end the mentoring part of the relationship and seek a different mentor.

Further, spend heaping amounts of time in Bible study and prayer. Allow God to mentor and shepherd you through His word. God loves you, God challenges you, God encourages you. Don’t allow the messages of shame and fright that others have used the Bible to pressure you with to shine through. Instead, allow God’s guidance, shepherding, and healthy discipline to guide you in His strait and narrow way to life.

Discussion

Tell me what you think. Does this sound a like a legitimate step of maturity? How do you think we can unstick ourselves if we are stuck in this level? Do we need to be concerned about it at all?

Continue this series by learning about the adult stage.

Give Christians Room to Grow

January 14, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 2 Comments

One of the big problems I’ve had in the church setting is letting people grow. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love to see people grow. I love to see them get stronger. I love to see them develop more faith. I love to see them learn new things. My problem is letting them be where they are before they do all that growing.

2 Peter 1:5-8 says we must all increase and add faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and love. Here is what that necessarily means. Right now we lack some faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection, and love. If others are to grow in these areas, that means right now they lack in some of them too. That doesn’t make them bad. That doesn’t make them rebellious. That doesn’t make them someone who needs to be disciplined. We’re all on a spectrum. Some are farther along than me. Some are not as far along as me. I don’t want those farther along than me trying to control me and force me to be where they are. I want them to understand that I’m growing, be patient with me, and simply encourage me. Shouldn’t I do the same with others?

My problem is when I see someone who I think is less mature in some aspect of knowledge, virtue, or faith, I want to rush in grab control of their life and force them to be on the same page as me. Sadly, what happens most of the time is I polarize them away from where I am. I often push them into rebellion as they want to assert their right to be where they are right now. So, not only do I not help them grow, I actually stop their growing.

Why do I do this? Because I equate disagreeing with me or doing something different from me to mean that the other person doesn’t really want to serve God and I need to force them to do so. That just doesn’t work. However, when I’m able to recognize that we are all growing, that other people who are at different places than I am love God and they are growing, I’m often amazed at how much they do actually grow. I’m also amazed at how often we end up on the same page eventually.

Here is the hard part. This means I have to give others permission to disagree with me. I have to give others permission to make different choices from me. This means I have to give others permission to think and feel differently than I do about some things. This means I have to give others permission to be wrong sometimes. Or at least I think they’re wrong. Sometimes I was the one that needed to grow and came to believe I had been wrong.

The other reason this is hard is because I’m so afraid others might make me look bad. If folks found out someone who believed “that” or did “this” was in my congregation, they might think I’m somehow bad. It’s like when my children do something wrong. I take their wrong on to myself as if I was the one who did it. I’m not. I’m simply the guy who helps them grow and teaches them when they do wrong. Jesus was able to look at folks in Thyatira and Smyrna (Revelation 2:18-3:6) and not hold against them the sins of others. That’s what I need to hang on to.

I certainly do not believe a congregation can simply allow someone to live in divisive rebellion against God’s will. After all, God did tell the church in Thyatira to quit tolerating Jezebel. However, I also think I am too quick to label some as rebellious simply because they don’t think about every little detail the way I do. It is amazing how I can catastrophize even the smallest of disagreements. It reminds me of the time my dad found I had taken some caffeine pills and in fear had plotted out my life of alcohol, drugs, and crime that was the sure conclusion of having done that. Fortunately, those caffeine pills haven’t led me down that path. Not yet anyway. I remember being so mad at him. I remember wanting to take some more of those pills just to prove him wrong. I remember thinking I would never treat my kids like that. And yet, I do it to brethren all the time (I probably do it to my kids too). I can easily take the smallest disagreement and be sure it means someone doesn’t care about God, won’t obey Him, and is on a path for hell that will lead numerous others with her. Then again, she may simply be on a path of growth and this is where she needs to work. I need to let her develop on God’s time table, not mine. I need to share with her my experience, strength, and hope, encouraging her in what I believe is right. What I can’t do is control and manipulate her to be where I am right now. That’s not my job. Not to mention, it is impossible.

The long and short of it in our churches is there is a time to let people grow. That means there is a time to let them be wrong. That means there is a time to let them be weak. That means there is a time to let them make mistakes. I want others to do that for me.

Keep the faith and remember God’s way works.

ELC

I Have to Bear Their Burdens; No I Don’t (Galatians 6:2, 5)

January 12, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

I find it easy to obsess about other people, especially my family members. When I say I obsess, I mean it is easy to obsess over their mistakes, their problems, their struggles. It is even easy for me to obsess over their potential mistakes. I want to figure out how I can behave to keep them from making mistakes or to keep them from enduring major consequences of their mistakes. I get enmeshed offering unsolicited advice, working behind the scenes to get others to act in a way that produces the results I think are best, trying to control whatever I think I can to make things in their life go the way I want them to, measuring every word carefully to manipulate them to do what I think is best.

Please understand, this is not about me getting what I want. I can assure you. I really think I have their best interests at heart. I want what is best for them. Of course, oddly enough, usually what is best for them is pretty good for me too. That is probably a different discussion. I simply want you to understand that this is all out of love. I love my kids and my wife. I don’t want them to suffer because of mistakes. Sometimes, I convince myself that if I were to behave just right, I can keep them from ever making any and, therefore, they’ll never have to suffer any pain.

This can especially happen with my spouse or my children. No matter how much stress it adds to my life, I take great pains to try to control and manipulate circumstances, other people, and them to accomplish what I think is best for them. (Oddly enough, I’ve noticed that this mindset actually makes it very easy for others to manipulate me as well, as they play into my desire to have everything be a certain way.) I have a verse that tells me to do that. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It’s my job to bear their burdens. They make mistakes and I have to be involved. Or, I tell myself, if I’m not involved they’ll make mistakes. I have to keep them from that. Oh yes, it’s a burden for me. But God says I have to do it. Aren’t I such a wonderfully spiritual person, willing to bear all these burdens that everyone else in my family has?

But wait, what about Galatians 6:5? “For each will have to bear his own load.” What about that verse? What is going on here. Paul says we should bear the loads of others, but then says we each must bear our own. How can he say both?

I’m not a great language scholar. I’ve read the attempts of some to explain how these two verses are talking about different things, two different kinds of burdens because the words translated “burden” and “load” are different. Perhaps they are, but even after reading the different definitions and the explanations, I have trouble seeing that difference. Instead, I think this is one of those paradoxes that Paul likes to use. He tells us two things that seem to be completely opposite and yet both are true. Believing both and using them to guide us helps us understand how we should live.

When my kids or spouse are struggling under a load, should I be there to help them lift it? Sure. But is it my load? No, it isn’t. Sadly, I like to live in extremes. I either want to ignore everyone completely and tell them to go worry about everything themselves, I have no responsibility here, it’s not my burden (I like to minimize this by calling it tough love). Or, I’ll live as if their problem is mine and I absolutely have to fix it or the world and our relationship will collapse, not to mention everyone else will look down on me because someone connected to me is less than perfect (this is what we call enmeshment and codependence). Instead of living in these extremes with my family (or anyone else for that matter), I need to learn to live with Paul’s two concepts in my head, heart, and hands. Should I be a servant to others? Absolutely. Should I let myself be crushed under the weight of everyone else’s burdens? Absolutely not.

When my daughter has trouble with her friends, should I come alongside as a loving parent, guiding her in how to properly relate to friends? Should I listen as she bears her soul and expresses her feelings? Of course I should do these things. However, should I make her problems mine, living in fear that her friends’ parents aren’t going to like me because she’s having trouble with her friends? Should I go behind the scenes to talk to her friends myself and try to fix the relationship? Should I call up her friends’ parents and try to get them to fix their daughters so my daughter can have a good relationship? Not likely. That’s her relationship, not mine. That’s her burden, not mine. (Yes, I understand in dealing with young children like mine there is a place for parents to get together, but it should be to help the children learn how to work things out, not to fix the kids and definitely not to fix someone else’s kids.) You know, to be honest, I have enough burdens of my own to be heaping the guilt and shame of everyone else’s burdens on there too.

I could give example after example of this. What I learn is that I should be there to help lift up my family when they have burdens. But their burdens are not mine. I don’t have to live like they are. I don’t have to live in fear that I’m bad because they have burdens. I don’t have to bear the guilt of their mistakes. I don’t have to rush around trying to cover up their mistakes or remove the consequences of them. I don’t have to be the image consultant to make sure they look good, so I’ll continue to look good. I don’t have to beat myself up trying to be perfect so they’ll be perfect to because of me. I’ll be there to help where I can help, but those are their burdens and we each have to carry our own load.