***WARNING: The trouble with writing on this topic is it needs to be done, but it is hard to do so in the confines of propriety. This post will be specific, factual, and even explicit. However, I will try not to be gratuitous or graphic. But if you normally let your kids read these posts, you may want to read it first. If you’re up for that, then click the “Continue Reading” link below.
I obviously have no idea who is going to read this series of blog posts. However, I am 100% convinced that someone reading this post today, spent last night looking at pornography. In fact, I imagine that someone reading this post probably looked at pornography within the last hour. Someone reading this post is hooked and can’t seem to stop. Someone reading this post wants to quit looking but subconsciously they’ve bought into the lies. They can’t help themselves. Men seem to be hardwired to be susceptible to the lies of pornography and once they’ve started believing them, as Romans 6-8 says, they do become enslaved. (Not that women can’t and don’t, but it is certainly more of an issue with men).
Allow me to assure you men, if you buy into these lies, pornography will destroy your ability to have positive, healthy relationships with women, especially your wife. It will even make it hard for you to have healthy relationships with men.
I think the best way to overcome lies is with truth. So, I’m going to spend this and the next two posts telling you 15 lies pornography tells men. We’ll start today with just 5.
5 Lies Pornography Tells Men
1. Good women never say, “Not tonight.”
In pornography, a woman might start with, “No,” but always ends screaming, “Yes.” No woman gives a real “No” in pornography. They all at least pretend to be willing participants. But the truth is the good woman you have at home spent today taking care of kids or working a job or cleaning house or doing your laundry or volunteering at the school. She may have gotten bad news today. She may not feel well. She’s a good woman, but tonight just isn’t a good night for her. And trying to force her to be your personal porn star may get you what you want tonight, but it is killing your relationship with her.
2. Healthy women think about having sex all the time and can’t wait to get home to have sex.
In pornography, women are all nymphomaniacs who can’t control themselves. All they think about is having sex again and again and again. Reality check: these woman are actresses. Just like actresses turn on the tears when they are pretending someone died in a movie, many of these actresses are doing just that–acting. They want to get paid and they know that acting out their bitter disappointment in men or their feeling of violation and betrayal won’t pay the bills. So they act. Certainly, healthy women have a healthy sex life if they are married, but that doesn’t mean non-stop, every day and twice on Sunday sex. This is hard for men to understand, but our wives did not spend their day waiting on us to get home so we could head to the bedroom. Many of them spent their day waiting on us to get home so they could have some stimulating conversation, so they could simply be held, so they could vent their frustrations to someone who will offer an understanding ear. Certainly, it is not healthy for a married couple to almost never have sex, but healthy women aren’t fixated on sex or just chomping at the bit for their next opportunity.
3. The most important part of women is their breasts, behind, and genitalia.
Sadly, pornography says that the most important thing women have to offer is in the bedroom. All that matters is do they have large breasts or shapely buttocks and will they put out. Don’t let your woman talk, except to say what an awesome sex god you are. Pornography ignores the fact that women have feelings, dreams, hopes, hurts, expectations, needs, thoughts, ideas, goals. Your wife has all of this. These are the more important parts of your wife. Don’t forget that.
4. If your wife really loved you, she’d have sex like this.
Sadly, pornography is actually an escape for those who struggle to develop intimacy with real people. Because they struggle with real intimacy, they often have struggles with sex in their marriage. An easy out is to go to the voyeuristic fakery of pornography. But going there doesn’t help with intimacy with your wife, it just makes it worse. Why? Because pornography puts too many expectations in your head. Every woman is different. Every woman enjoys different things. Every woman finds different things pleasurable. None of them are wrong; they are just different. When you try to force on your wife what you “learned” while watching porn, no matter what you think, you aren’t in it for her. You aren’t trying to get to know her better or please her. She does love you. She just may not love the kind of sex you saw in that pornography.
5. Watching this will make your sex life better.
This lie is so commonplace that it wouldn’t surprise me if someone stumbles on this blog and tells me about how he/she and their spouse started watching porn together and it gave the extra spice they were really needing. But it just isn’t true. If you have to watch porn to get that extra spice, then you simply don’t understand what sex is about (more about this in another lie in a later post). The problem is watching porn inevitably leads to dissatisfaction with sex and your spouse. Sure, at first it provides “ideas” about fun and pleasurable sex. Maybe you do learn a technique or two that adds to the immediate fun (btw: I have no problem with fun, creative, experimental sex; the marriage bed is undefiled–Hebrews 13:4). But in the long run, all it does is make the husband and wife wonder if they measure up to what their spouse has seen. It produces competition with the images on the screen. If things don’t go just like they did in the movies, it makes them wonder if a different partner might not be the answer. Further, it makes them fear that maybe their spouse is thinking that. Additionally, once the “spice” of the pornography and all the new techniques wear off, and they will, the only place to go to get that spice back is to try someone else. Using pornography to improve sex in your marriage is a dangerous and deadly approach and anyone who encourages it is a fool (I don’t care how many degrees they have or how much you paid them for therapy or how much they say porn helped them).
Don’t miss part 2 to learn about 5 more lies told by pornography.
Also, here’s a link to part 3: 5 Final Lies Pornography Tells Men.