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Raising Kids

4 More Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What To Do When They Mess Up

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OOOPS! Two weeks ago I started a two part article on laying a foundation so our kids will know what to do when they messed up and totally forgot to post part 2 last Tuesday for the Springboard for Your Family. Sorry about that. I hope all of you who showed up last Tuesday for this second part will forgive me and accept today’s posting in penance.

4 More Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What To Do When They Mess Up

We’ve already learned that we aren’t going to raise the next Jesus. Our kids will not be perfect. If we keep training them in perfection, we are only going to increase their toxic shame when they come face to face with how imperfect they are. Instead, we need to lay a foundation for what to do when they realize how imperfect they are.

In the last installment of this series, we learned…

  1. Be emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy yourself.
  2. Don’t discipline out of embarrassment.
  3. Share your own mistakes with your kids.
  4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when your mistakes were with your kids.

Here are 4 more keys.

5. Don’t lecture and browbeat.

I’m writing this point for me more than for you. This is my discipline method of choice when I’m just running in natural mode. My kids do something wrong and out comes the lecturer. I don’t know how many times Marita has had to say, “You just don’t know how you sound when you talk like that.”

This form of discipline says I’m going to harshly talk my way into your heart and browbeat you into submission on everything I say about this. It will brook no disagreements. It will allow no responses. It will simply keep hammering away at you until you are whimpering out a “Yes Sir.”

I’m certainly convinced that when I get into that mode, my point is correct. The problem is I’ve never gotten anyone to agree with me when I take that approach, especially not my children. Rather, what I do with each harsh statement, with each shaming name, with each verbal barrage is teach my kids to take their medicine and get to the “Yes Sir” so they can escape. They haven’t learned anything. They haven’t agreed. They haven’t change. I’ve simply vented my spleen on them, made them feel small, and sent them on their way.

There is certainly time for talking. But lecturing and browbeating doesn’t work very often. It may produce a momentary submission, but it doesn’t help the child know how to really deal with sin.

6. Let them know God can overcome sin when they can’t.

I remember one time with Tessa that I so wish I could take back. She was in trouble for mistreating her brother and she said, “I try, Dad, I really do. I just can’t seem to help myself.” Back then, in my spiritual immaturity, I said, “You can do it. You just don’t really want to. You need to try harder.” The problem was at the time I was telling myself that exact same thing about the sins I was trying to overcome and it wasn’t working for me. Why would I expect it to work for her? Sadly, this is the approach Christians take all too often with everything.

Since then I’ve learned that I can’t overcome my sins on my own (cf. Romans 7:14-25). But God can. If I’ll just turn my life over to Him completely, Jesus Christ will conquer my sins through me. That is the message I needed to convey and am now trying to convey to my kids. Tessa is absolutely right. She can’t overcome the sin that she has honed to a “nature of wrath.” But God can. God has promised to free her from that sin if she’ll simply turn her life over to Him every day. 

Don’t simply tell your kids to try harder. Don’t simply tell them to choose better. Tell them to turn to God to overcome. Let them know God’s plan for forgiveness and victory over sin. 

7. When they actually talk, let them do so without fear of reprisal.

I certainly struggle with this. I do believe that even when people admit what they did was wrong, sometimes there still needs to be disciplinary measures taken. 

However, at the same time, our kids need to know they can come let us know what they did when they sinned. Trust me, if our kids think the only response they’ll get when they admit their sin to us is a lecture and a spanking, they are not likely to let us know what they did-even if they are scared, penitent, remorseful. They’ll either internalize it or they’ll go to their peers. As we said in part 1, they won’t get good help from their peers.

Our children need to know that we know they’ll make mistakes and when they come to us with penitence, we’ll forgive them and help them overcome. 

Allow me to share one approach that has worked for us on occasion. When one of our children penitently admits to doing something wrong, we thank them for their honesty. Then we talk through why they sinned. We talk about the natural consequences of the sin. If this was a violation of a rule for which we believe discipline is necessary we then talk with them about what they think is a fair discipline considering what they did and where they are mentally and emotionally with the sin. I’ve been amazed how maturely our children handle the discipline even in these situations.

8. Always reaffirm your love for your children.

I don’t care what your children did or what kind of disciplinary measures you have had to take. Always reaffirm your love for your child. This is not a codependent spluttering apology because you are afraid your child won’t love you because of the discipline. If that is what you are doing, refer back to point one in the first article. 

Your children need to know you love them. They don’t just need to hear that when they’ve done good things. They need to hear that all the time. They need to know you are proud of them all the time. They need to know you are glad they are in the family all the time.

When they say things that have shocked you, let them know you love them. When they have embarrassed you, let them know you love them. When they mess up big, let them know you love them. When they are behaving properly, let them know you love them.

Do not do this in an aren’t-you-lucky-I’m-so-loving way. Just let them know that you love them.

I certainly don’t think there is a fail-proof way to parent. All too often I get caught up in my own crazy making of wondering how my kids are going to turn out. Some days I think they’ll be wonderful. Other days I think I’m ruining them. However, I’m convinced they won’t be perfect. When they aren’t, they need to know they can come to me and find the help and support they need to overcome.

Don’t Let Television Get in the Way of Your Family

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Don’t worry, I’m not a radical who thinks television is from the devil and therefore you should burn it to release the evil spirit from your home. Though, I do think television can be a dangerous thing in our homes.

Last night, I was itching to watch the next installment of a show I’ve gotten hooked on. My three older kids are away for the week. Marita decided to go have some alone time at the bookstore. I was at home with 20-month-old Trina. My first thought was, it’s getting close to bed time. I could just put her to bed a little early and get to my television show. 

Fortunately, I held off that desire and spent a great hour with my daughter. I read two books to her as we shared some ice cream and brownies. Then I just held her for a few minutes. Then we talked–well, I talked, she jabbered. Then we played for a few minutes. Then we capped it all off with a few minutes of fun on the stairs. She had climbed up the stairs and was looking through the railing. I got lots of kisses and lots of high fives through the railing. She jabbered up a storm. I even got out the video camera and made a memory.

So, there were my choices. Find out what happens next on some tv show or enjoy time with my daughter. I think I made the right choice last night. 

I’m not saying it is wrong to watch tv. I’m just saying I have to be careful because television, even if the subject matter is completely harmless, can actually drive a wedge in the family. Make sure you don’t let it. Spend some time with your kids tonight before you turn on the tube. You’ll only get them at tonight’s age for just one night. Don’t miss it. If you don’t ever get to find out what happens next on that show, don’t worry about it. At least you’re making memories with your family.

4 Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What to Do When They Mess Up

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Last Tuesday, we learned there was only one Jesus and our kids aren’t Him. Every single one of our kids is going to grow up to sin, just like us. We won’t stop that. We need to quit making the attempt because it only puts undue pressure on us and our kids. Don’t read that to say we should quit trying to influence our kids for good. I’m simply saying we should quit trying to train our kids to be perfect and instead lay a foundation with them to know what to do when they are not.

I’d like to share 8 keys I believe will help you lay that foundation. By the way, these aren’t the 8 things we do in our home and wish you would do. These are things I’m trying to work on so I can be better in my home. I hope they help you. I’ll give the first four today and next Tuesday we’ll finish up with the others.

1. Be emotionally, spiritually, mentally healthy yourself.

If you’ve got emotional, mental, or spiritual imbalance, you’ll pass that on to your kids. If I’m compulsive about what others think, I’m going to inappropriately discipline my children when I think they make others look down on me. If I’ve filled with pride, I’m going to incorrectly discipline my children when they make me look bad. If I have codependency issues, I won’t discipline my kids properly when they need, fearing that they’ll abandon me. Of course, then when they push me over the edge, I’ll go over the top and they might just abandon me.

Before I even try to discipline my children, I need to be working on cleaning up my side of the street, working on my issues.

2. Don’t discipline your children out of embarrassment.

I’ve heard people say repeatedly you should never discipline your children when you’re angry. I’m not sure I agree. I think when children rebel, it should cause a healthy anger. I don’t think you have to wait until you are no longer angry to provide an appropriate discipline. I think it is possible if you have a healthy anger to still discipline them appropriately. Surely, if your anger has you out of control, wait until you can see clearly to administer discipline.

However, you should never discipline because you are embarrassed. We need to remember that discipline is intended to help our children grow to maturity. It is not a chance for us to vent our embarrassment. Like that time when Ryan was 4 or 5 and saw a man who had some deformity. He said, loudly, “Mom, that man has a hole in his head.” An embarrassed parent might yank the child up from by his arm, take him to the car, and whip him and he never even know what he’s being disciplined for. Granted, in that situation we all know he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just curious and curiosity is not wrong.

Even when the child does do something wrong, more often than not overboard discipline comes from embarrassment. After all, we want everyone to think we are the best parents ever. They’ll only think that if our kids never, ever do anything wrong. Therefore, our discipline is often from a point of embarrassment and not from a point of helping them learn and grow. Junior says a cuss word and we are suddenly worried the whole world thinks we are rotten parents. We give them a spanking that they’ll never forget. Or perhaps little 8-year-old Suzy wet her pants in front of some other parents. Or maybe little Bobby back talks a teacher.

Before you discipline ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I’m embarrassed? Or am I doing this because this is what will help my child grow?”

3. Share your own mistakes with your children.

We are so afraid to let our kids know we were anything less than perfect. We fear if we let them know all the wrong things we did it will be giving them tacit permission to do them too. That really isn’t the case. Oh, I’m sure some children will pull that defensive maneuver when they are trying to get out of some discipline. However, the benefits far outweigh that little difficulty.

The benefits are when your children know you weren’t perfect, they are much more likely to talk to you when they’ve messed up. If they think you were perfect, they’ll think you can’t possibly understand why they made a mistake. They won’t come to you for help. They won’t come to you for forgiveness. Instead, they’ll turn to others. They’ll turn to peers. Be assured, they are not likely to get great advice for overcoming mistakes from their peers.

Not to mention, when your children think you are perfect, that just increased their toxic shame all the more. When they know you messed up, they’ll be able to see that mistakes are normal and can be overcome. They can grow up to be a decent person even though they committed some sin. They can go to heaven even though they screwed up royally.

I don’t know how many times I’ve spent 10 or 15 minutes letting my kids have it for something they did or didn’t do or some way they have acted only to remember at the close of it that I did the exact same thing as a child. I don’t know how many lectures I’ve given my son about being lazy. When I’m done, I remember, “Oh yeah, I got those same lectures. They didn’t help me very much. Wonder why I think they’ll help him.” The whole thing would probably be better if I let him know I understand how he feels, share with him the consequences, and then work with him to come up with an action plan to overcome.

4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when you’ve wronged your kids.

Tied in with sharing your mistakes with your kids is telling your children you’re sorry when your mistake was against them. Ask them to forgive you. Yes, you heard me. When you’ve wronged your children you need to ask their forgiveness.

Why? First, because you need their forgiveness. Second, because a rift has come in the relationship and they need to go through the process of forgiving you so that rift can heal. Third, because your children need to see you set the example about how to act when you’ve made a mistake or committed a sin. When they see this example, they learn that they can come to you in just the same way, saying they are sorry, and seeking forgiveness. Further, they’ll learn they can do that with God.

Here’s the heart of the matter, you think you can hide your wrong from your children, but you can’t. Your children will see you at your worst and they are smart enough to know when you’ve done wrong. If you carry on a pretense like you haven’t done wrong, they’ll only see hypocrisy. The usual response is not for kids to grow up and decide not to be hypocrites by always sharing their wrongs and overcoming them. No, usually their response is not to be a hypocrite by just not caring about what is right or wrong.

The best way to overcome this is to display what being a growing person is really all about. It is not about being perfect. It is about recognizing and repenting of our sins.

If you work on these four keys, you are well on your way to laying a foundation to prepare your children for how to deal with their own mistakes and sins. Trust me, that will be way better than leaving them shamed and broken because they realize they aren’t perfect.

Make sure you come back next week for four more keys to preparing your children to deal with their mistakes and sins.

Don’t Make Rash Promises about Your Family

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I am always humbled when I read a passage I’ve read dozens of times and suddenly realize I hadn’t quite gotten it before. I am just now arriving at my office from a great Bible study with some other men. We looked at Ecclesiastes 5:1-9. I’ve read this passage about making vows I don’t know how many times. I’ve taught it in classes and referenced it in sermons. However, it was not until this morning as we were discussing that it hit me what this passage was saying. Further, its application to the family is just natural.

Don’t Make Rash Promises

In the past, I’ve merely seen it as a warning against making rash vows. It has served as a warning against making vows in the heat of the moment. You know, the vows like, “God, if you get me out of this mess, I’ll never miss an assembly again and I’ll give you half of everything I ever make.” It has served as a warning against hypocritical vows that I don’t really intend to keep. You know vows made while conducting my own brand of spiritual finger crossing (as if I could actually trick God like I can trick you).

However, the last part of Ecclesiastes 5:1 hit me this morning. It says, “…for they do not know that they are doing evil.” In other words, the person making this vow doesn’t even realize they are doing wrong. They are not consciously lying. They are not purposefully trying to cheat God. This is the person who sincerely believes he is going to accomplish exactly what he says. Why on earth would God warn sincere vow takers to pause, back up, and reconsider before they tie themselves to a vow?

The problem is, in my haste to prove to God what a wonderful servant I am, I make all kinds of vows. “God, I’ll never ever do such and such again. God I promise I’ll always do this and that. God you can count on my to always be there for you.” Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 is telling me when I come into God’s presence I need to shut up. Instead of trying to prove how awesome I am to God and how I’ll always do what is right and never do what is wrong, I need to stop and listen to God. I need to realize that the awesome one in this picture is not me. God is not interested in my protestations of awesomeness. He is interested in me humbling myself before Him and see how awesome He is.

I can’t help but see the story of Luke 18:10-13. The Pharisee came into God’s presence and spoke of his own greatness. He wasn’t listening to God. He never noticed God trying to let him know he needed a Savior. He wouldn’t shut up long enough to see what he needed from God. The tax collector, however, had clearly listened to God. He knew he couldn’t make grandiose promises of greatness. He was a sinner in need of God’s greatness. He didn’t make great vows of never sinning again. He simply expressed his own needs of God’s mercy. He didn’t make rash promises about all the amazing things he would do if God forgave him. He simply asked for forgiveness.

Applying It to the Family

I know what you’re asking, “What on earth does this have to do with my family?” As I considered the meaning of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the number of promises I made before I had children. How many times did I vow after I was upset by my parents, “God, when I have kids, I won’t treat my kids like that”? How many times have I vowed after witnessing some other parents’ mistakes, “God, you can count on me to not make that mistake”? How many times have I seen the children of others committing some infraction, “God, you better believe my kids will never do that”?

In my haste to prove how awesome I am, I made promises I cannot possibly keep. At the time, I didn’t know I was making rash vows. I was sure I would be the perfect parent. I knew all my parents’ mistakes. I had witnessed other parents make huge mistakes. I had read books on parenting. I had even preached sermons on parenting. I was certain Marita and I would do it just right. In a sense, it was as if I thought we were going to raise the next Jesus. We would be so good at parenting, our children would never do anything wrong. 

Well, we have four now and the promises are getting fewer and fewer. The more I parent, the more I recognize I just can’t keep these vows. In fact, I need to beg God’s forgiveness for ever making such statements. I admit, Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 frightens me on this. However, I’m sure I serve a forgiving and loving God who is happy that I am figuring out how weak I am and how much I need to depend on Him instead of believing He can depend on me.

Do Your Best but Don’t Make Promises

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we should not be committed to doing what is right in all of our service to God, including our parenting. Nor am I saying, “Well, we’re just weak, so don’t worry about it if you commit sins or mess up in your parenting.” A huge theme throughout Ecclesiastes is to fear God and keep His commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13). 

Instead of making all kinds of rash vows about how I am going to be the amazing servant who does that perfectly, I need to just humble myself and do my best. As the old saying goes, “Make you no promises, tell you no lies.” Yes, I’m committed to never lusting, lying, clamoring, murmuring, etc. ever again. However, do I honestly believe I can make some kind of vow to God about that? Do I honestly believe I can promise God right now, “God, I vow I’ll never ever do any of those things again?” Or am I making a commitment with my mouth that my flesh will not keep? 

Don’t make rash vows. Just humbly submit to the Lord. Grow in fear of Him and strive today to keep His commandments. He hasn’t said we have to vow anything. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are by vowing obedience. Instead, we can prove how awesome He is by humbling ourselves before Him, striving to obey Him, and when we fall short, confessing to Him.

We should do the same in parenting. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are with so many vows. In fact, all those vows will end up doing is demonstrate how weak we are and how much we need God (that is, when we are rigorously honest). Instead, we should just do our best, fear God, keep His commandments, and when we fall short, confess that to Him and seek His mercy.

Be quiet when you come into God’s presence. Don’t make rash promises trying to show how great you are. Rather, listen to how great God is and surrender to Him.

 

P.S. The men’s study I was talking about earlier meets every other Tuesday at 6 am at the Cracker Barrel off of hwy 96 in Franklin, Tennessee. If you are in the area, feel free to join us. Obviously, our next meeting will be in two weeks (May 12).

The Parent Factor: 6 Keys to Helping Your Kids Get the Most Out of Bible Class

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I want to thank Clay Gentry for providing today’s guest post.

The Parent Factor

For a child to grow into a mature Christian it takes more than a good Bible class curriculum, a prepared and competent teacher, and a couple of hours of Bible class each week. The most important factor in a child’s spiritual development is what we will call the Parent Factor. The parent is the one who helps their child gain the most from good Bible class curriculum, excellent teachers, and the benefit of scheduled Bible class with the church. Here are six ways you can be the Parent Factor and help your child gain the most from Bible class.

1.     Know what your child is learning.

You can’t help your child get more from their Bible classes if you don’t know what they are learning. This can be done several ways. First, get involved by talking to your child’s teacher before or after class to gain a perspective on the material/story that was covered. Second, pay attention to the take homes your child brings to you after class. These are valuable in helping you learn what your child was taught and they reinforce the child’s memory of the lessons.

2.     When reviewing your child’s Bible class lessons, ask open-ended questions.

When helping your child review their lessons it’s important to ask the right kind of questions. Use open-ended questions that have your child recall information they learned instead of closed-ended question which only require a “yes” or a “no” answer. If your child’s teacher told you that they talked about Noah building the ark, some good questions for your child would be “Who built the ark?”; “Why did Noah build the ark?”; “What did Noah put in the ark?”; etc. Open-ended questions are a great way to help your child remember their bible class material.

3.     Have a consistent time for Bible study at home.

Having a consistent Bible study time at home works well for teaching your child the importance of studying scriptures outside of the assembly. Use extra lessons from church as your material. This provides you an opportunity to follow along with your child’s class and helps to reinforce lessons learned. You can keep your child’s take home activities each week and put them in a binder or scrapbook to use as visual prompts to help your child recall Bible stories that have been covered. Plus it also makes for a great memory book later on for both you and your child.

4.     Use songs to teach your child important Bible concepts and facts. 

Learn the songs that your child sings in Bible class and teach them some new ones. Teaching children songs helps them remember Bible passages (The Wise Man Built His House Upon The Rock); Bible concepts (O Be Careful Little Eyes); and Bible stories (Zaccheus Was a Wee Little Man). Once you know the songs, sing them with your child. Sing them in the car; when you’re walking; when you’re playing; sing them all the time. By doing this you will help build your child’s faith in what they are learning by showing them that the Bible and its lessons are not just for church, but for all times.

5.     Read Bible stories to your child with inflection.

Read them with voices for each character, and with voice inflections for different phrases. Young children need help in visualizing what is being read to them. This is why we use pictures in teaching them Bible stories. Similarly, you can use distinct voices for each character and good inflection for statements when reading to them. This helps your child better understand what is being read because the stories come alive with depth and richness of sound. Your child will be able to better remember the Bible stories that you read together.

6.     Pray about it.

The foundation of all that we do should be prayer. Pray for your child’s Bible class teacher. Pray for your child. Pray for yourself. And pray with your child that God will grant both of you wisdom and understanding of His word. The first five points will help your child remember their Bible class material but they should be coupled with prayer.

Don’t ever doubt the Parent Factor in a successful Bible class program. Parents invest a great deal to help children gain the most from Bible classes. The teachers appreciate it. The children grow by it. God is glorified through it. So parents, make the difference. Be the defining factor.

Why We Should Always Ask Questions First and Discipline Later

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A friend of mine tells a story on himself that I have to share with you. I won’t include any names in order to protect the innocent (and guilty). I’m just glad every once in a while I get to use someone else as an example instead of always having to use me.

Anyway, this good brother had taught his children not to take the Lord’s name in vain…ever. He had even taught against the popular euphemisms for the Lord’s name. He wanted his family to always accord the Lord the very highest respect. 

How embarrassed and shocked he was when at a picnic he heard his young son hollering almost at the top of his lungs, “Oh my God!” The crime had been committed. The witnesses were everywhere. Punishment must be administered. He yanked up his son and paddled him on the spot. A moment later his wife approached and said, “Hon, he was singing the new song I taught him. You know the part that says ‘Oh my God, I trust in thee.'” As my friend shared the story, I could tell, he still felt small for that one. I felt small for him. I uttered a little prayer of thanksgiving that I’m not the only dad who blows it sometimes.

But the reason God let’s us make mistakes is to learn from them. Certainly, we dads have every responsibility to discipline our children. A good time to practice discipline is when God is disrespected. However, the extreme nature of this story demonstrates a point we need always remember. Even when it seems obvious that our children have done something wrong, we need to get the facts first. Even when it seems absolutely clear our children have violated the rules and crossed the boundaries, we need to press the pause button, calm down, and find out the complete story. 

We must not react out of embarrassment, anger, wrath, pride, or any other emotion that prompts hasty discipline. If after investigation, we learn our children have indeed crossed the boundary, then we should discipline them for their good (Hebrews 12:9-10). It will still have its value. Discipline doesn’t have to be absolutely immediate for it to be effective. We can take time to investigate and make sure the discipline is warranted.

When we press the pause button, we will certainly avoid unnecessary guilt for messing up. Fortunately, our children are resilient and forgiving. When we apologize and ask for forgiveness, they are usually quick to give it. But, it certainly makes us feel better if we get a handle on the situation first.