***WARNING: This is the third of three posts on this topic and I will repeat my warning. This post will be specific, factual, and even explicit. However, I will try not to be gratuitous or graphic. But if you normally let your kids read these posts, you may want to read it first. If you’re good with that, then click the “Continue Reading” link below.
Two days ago, I started this series of three posts. Yesterday, we had the second post. Today, it’s time to finish it.
A Final 5 Lies Pornography Tells Men
11. You only did it right if your wife squirmed, screamed, or squealed.
Pornography is visual entertainment. It is about fast movement, quick cutting shots, and emotion. Since sex is to be pleasurable, it is supposed to be body-wracking. The famous scene from “When Harry Met Sally” demonstrates that is what most people think is a real orgasm. But there are two issues to understand. First, while for men successful sex is about reaching orgasm, that is not always the case for women. Their greater goal is intimacy (though I have no doubt orgasm is enjoyable, but that isn’t always the great goal for women as it is for men). Second, no one experiences or expresses pleasure in the same way. Let your wife express hers in whatever way she wants. You aren’t doing it right because your wife behaves the way an actress does. You are doing it right when you have communicated with your wife and shared with each other what you both find most enjoyable, pleasurable, and meaningful.
12. You don’t have to talk to have sex right, just do what happens naturally.
Pornography is not known for its great dialogue. Everyone just seems to know what they are doing. They know when to move where and how. Everyone looks like they are having a great time, so they must be. But once again, these are actors. And please, don’t be fooled by the amateurs. They’ve seen enough pornography themselves that they know the script by heart even if an actual one hasn’t been written. Sadly, too many guys think that great sex just happens naturally if you are any good. That just isn’t true. Great sex takes communication. Great sex takes patience and time to get to learn one another. Great sex doesn’t happen on your honeymoon, at least not if you’ve waited until your honeymoon to have sex. Each person will have their own likes, dislikes, comfort zones, pleasures. Each person has their own sexual baggage and liberties. Like it or not, if you’re just doing what happens naturally, you’re probably doing it wrong. Instead, you need to be patient and you need to talk. Communicate openly about not only what feels good physically, but what is comfortable emotionally and spiritually. You may coerce your wife into some exciting new trick, and it may even feel physically good for her, but if it makes her feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable, you’re trading off a great, meaningful relationship for a few moments of pleasure. Not a good trade off, my friend.
13. Every interaction with any woman is your next opportunity to have sex.
Pornography says that the nurse who is helping with your physical, the receptionist at the office you are visiting, and even the teacher in the private parent teacher conference you are having is a potential sex partner if you just play your cards right. If you are a pizza delivery guy, postman, or repairman, you are just minutes away from the sex of your dreams because some woman who has ordered your services is actually ordering your sexual services. Reality check. That just isn’t true. Most women aren’t walking around just waiting for the next willing participant to have sex with. That nurse, receptionist, and teacher are doing their jobs. Most of them are married and want their marriages to work. They aren’t interested in putting their marriage in jeopardy just because you walked into their place of business. Not to mention, as established in dealing with an earlier lie, women don’t walk around just waiting for their next opportunity to have sex.
14. Women are turned on the same way men are.
In pornography, everything happens fast. A man and woman see each other and are turned on, sex is the only solution. This just isn’t real life. Certainly, there are exceptions to every rule, but as Gary Smalley says, men are microwaves and women are crock pots. Even a momentary glimpse, a casual comment, even a brief memory can get a man ready for sex. In general, women just aren’t like that. Women are more in tune with emotions and intimacy. They don’t see a good looking man and suddenly want to have sex. Rather, they have to get emotionally revved up. They generally need to feel an emotional connection. For a man, foreplay might include one suggestive comment. For a woman, it is more likely to include doing the dishes for her, changing the baby’s diaper, having a long conversation about her day, letting her cry on your shoulder about trouble with the kids, giving her a no-expectations shoulder rub. Don’t go home and expect your wife to get turned on like a porn star just because you wiggle your rear as you walk out of the room. That’s just not the norm for women.
15. If what you’re looking at right now doesn’t fix your problems, the next one will.
Pornography is a trap. Most men continue to look at pornography because they are chasing the thrill they experienced the first time they got involved. The escape and excitement was tremendous. It promised to solve whatever issues they had whether it was their fear, their issues of self-esteem, their sadness, their anger, their hurt, their sexual desires. The problem is the solution doesn’t last. It is not even a good band-aid. It provides a momentary escape from whatever is going on, but when you come back down, everything is worse. So then you think you need to look into pornography again. After all, it seemed to help the last time. Then you’re in the trap. Because if it does help for another moment, you’ll want to go back. But if it doesn’t, all you can remember is how it helped the first time, so maybe you just need more. So you go deeper and deeper, crossing more and more lines, needing bigger and bigger hits. When this one doesn’t work, pornography tells you the next one probably will. Despite the fact that over and over again you’ve pursued solutions from pornography and it has never worked, you have been sucked into the pornado and keep believing the next one will do it. But it doesn’t. No one’s life has been made better long term by viewing pornography. Trust me, you will be no exception.
I know that many will deny what I’ve shared. Many will equivocate. Many will protest that pornography is harmless except for with a few weirdos and perverts. It just isn’t true. Pornography is lying to you. Make sure you learn the truth.
Please, pass these truths on to anyone you know struggling with pornography.
P.S. If you missed the last two posts. Click the links here: Post 1 and Post 2.
Edwin,
Thanks for this series of posts. These have been great reminders, and I can think of several biblical examples (good and bad) that speak to these ideas.
I wanted to comment on one statement in #12: “Great sex doesn’t happen on your honeymoon, at least not if you’ve waited until your honeymoon to have sex.” I think, especially considering all the points you’ve made in summation about God’s purpose in sex, that this statement just isn’t true. Great sex DOES happen on your honeymoon, and especially so if you have waited until your honeymoon to have sex. When my wife and I were engaged, an older couple took us aside to prepare us for the absence of fireworks on our first night. “Don’t expect too much.” That was a little discouraging. We understand the thought–we need to be realistic. However, if both mates are loving, selfless, and patient, there is every reason to anticipate ‘great sex’ on your honeymoon. It does get better with time, but when both mates have nothing with which to compare it, it is a real joy and an immense pleasure learning together how to serve each other to the glory of God.
Justin,
Thanks for the insight. I see exactly what you are saying and I agree. I guess I should modify what I was saying to be more accurate.
The point I was trying to make is that for the guy who has seen all the pornography, he needs to understand that all the acting that is done in those videos is not an accurate representation of what is going to happen on the honeymoon. Those images and expressions become his definition of great sex and that just isn’t going to happen.
But you are exactly right. With the right mindsets, humility, patience, love, selflessness, compassion, even those first attempts will seem amazing to the couple that is celebrating their new union rather than simply trying to score an Olympic gold in stamina and physical pleasure.
Thanks for bringing out the other side of this one, Justin.
My husband of nearly 10 years has had an internet
pornography habit since before I knew him. The year 2010 was a turning point in
our ability to communicate with one another about the problem – I believe we
are working together and on the path to having the holy and glorious marriage
God wants to gift us. In recent months my man is very admirably deciding to be
somewhat open about his struggles, in determination to save himself and to
encourage a brother also hurting because of sexual sin.
My husband and I have a growing young daughter. I am
concerned that her physical development will be a stumblingblock to my husband,
as he’s had years of training, and still fights the ingrained habit to look at
females anywhere and everywhere as objects provided to tickle his fantasies. He
seems to “shrug off” the possibility of entertaining sexual thoughts of his own
daughter, which I must allow may simply be his personality avoiding
confrontation of this uncomfortable subject with me, his daughter’s mother. Or
at worst, may be naivety, or pride too certain that he could never fall to such
a low. He comments simply that she’ll have to learn to be more careful about
where she dresses. Might someone consider commenting, from a male perspective,
on a father’s battle to protect the image of his daughter, and particularly in
his own mind? I cringe at the thought of a father with such history even
helping with his daughter’s laundry.
Edwin, please excuse my taking advantage of rule #1 of your comments policy.
I have thought about this post off and on since I read it about a month ago. I don’t see that anyone has responded. I must say, as a father of a three month old daughter, I had hoped to read a response from someone a little “further along.” It’s an idea that I myself have wondered about.
I like to think that Lot considered it an absurd possibility that he and his daughters would ever produce children (Genesis 19:36). However, I also doubt he ever thought that he would willingly offer up those same two daughters to a lust-crazed mob of Sodomites, but that is exactly what he did (19:8). It has often occurred to me that the women that produce pornography, immorally driven advertisements, or dress provocatively–these women have fathers. These women that are enslaved, whether willingly or not, to this lie of Satan, many were once under the guardianship of fathers. They were infants cooing in the arms of their daddies, yet they have grown to entice other men to lie in their own arms. What happened?
Using Lot as an example, I’ll like to suggest a few things:
1. It is not impossible that I could commit gross sin. As I surround myself with more and more worldly thinking (living in Sodom), I will provide more and more opportunity to fall. What opportunities am I making for sin by the day to day saturation of this world?
2. I need to guard not only my own heart but the hearts of my family. The worldly influences that surround me also prey on my children. Remember, it was the daughters of Lot that initiated the incest in Genesis 19. What am I passively teaching my children?
3. I cannot shy away from loving my daughter for fear of abusing her. In truth it is the lack of love that I show her that causes me to abuse her. Lot showed no love for his daughters when he offered them up to the city of Sodom pounding at his door. Yes, he showed his abhorrence for sodomy, but he also betrayed his deficiency in guarding his family. Had he loved his daughters truly, the sacrifice he attempted would have been unthinkable. Am I loving my children by zealously guarding their souls?
2 Peter 2:7-8 names Lot as a righteous man, but it also says “he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard” (ESV). I believe Lot must have grieved deeply upon the realization of what he had done with his daughters. It didn’t have to be. In light of this heart wrenching example, I have committed to:
1. Removing what worldly influences I can and replacing them with godly influences,
2. Providing a good example for my children and creating a sanctuary with my wife for my family to enjoy without the multitude of Satan’s snares lying about,
3. Loving my daughter (and my son) by guarding them from unholy attractions and showing them the holy affection of a father. That may mean guarding my children from myself, which means I need to humbly examine my own struggles, confess them to God, and repent to be His kind of man.
I apologize for the length, but I hope that helps.
Justin, thanks for addressing this. I confess that somehow I missed the e-mail telling me the comment you are addressing was posted. Your comment has drawn my attention to it.
Dear guest,
I’m sorry to have missed this request from you for so long. Somehow I missed the notification and my attention was drawn to it only now because Justin responded to you.
The situation you have brought up is very sensitive.
On the one hand, we must not paint with too broad of a brush. The fact that a man has struggled with lust and pornography does not necessarily mean that his own daughter will cause him a temptation. For some men, the emotional attachment and fatherly affection for their daughters will serve as a protection against that temptation even if they have other sexual struggles. We need to be aware that not everyone who struggles with any sexual temptation necessarily struggles with all possible sexual temptations.
Having said that, however, I believe all men need to be on guard. A growing daughter is still a woman. Further, she is a woman with which the father already has an emotional attachment. A man who has struggled with pornography, by definition, has some unhealthy views of sexuality and must never assume that some sexual sin is so far out of reach that it will never plague him. I am grateful that there are some sexual sins I have not committed. But I have had to learn not to boast about the sins I will never commit. Rather, I am thankful to God for the sins I haven’t committed yet. I now add the “yet” as a reminder that if I think I stand, I must take care lest I fall (I Corinthians 10:12).
My advice to you, Guest, is that you make sure to keep all blinders off and not allow your husband’s lack of comfortableness with this topic put you off from bringing it up when necessary. If he does something that makes you uncomfortable regarding his actions toward your daughter, talk to him about it. Certainly, talk gently and properly, but talk to him. (A good book about these kinds of conversations is “How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding” by Cloud and Townsend.) Do not let it slide, thinking you are overly sensitive. In my book, it is better to err on the side of caution on this issue. Don’t yell at him and accuse him of things, but talk to him about the behavior that made you feel concerned.
Regarding the daughter being careful where she dresses, this is not just an issue of dealing with a husband who has struggled with pornography and lust. This should be a standard of modesty in every home. Husbands and wives are allowed to enjoy each others bodies both physically and visually. But no one else needs to be involved in that. Obviously with very young children modest behaviors may be somewhat relative. But as children grow, they should no longer dress or wear skimpy nightclothes around other members of the family who are of the opposite gender whether parent or sibling. The parent should maintain standards of modesty as well.
Finally, let me also say that this issue of lust for a daughter is not simply a matter of being trained by pornography. Though that certainly doesn’t help. Many fathers are blindsided by their daughter’s developing bodies, whether they have struggled with pornography or not. While some men are protected from this particular temptation by their fatherly affection, most men naively think they will be and then out of the blue something happens causing them to notice that their little girl is turning into a grown woman. Noticing that change is not sinful or immoral, but if the father is not prepared for it, he may have thoughts that bother him and of which he is ashamed. These men do not need to be berated as perverts or accused of awful things. Rather, it is normal. God made men to be visually stimulated. They simply need to be on their guard. And their wives need to support them in that. I once heard the story of a man who was watching television. His teenage daughter came in and laid down on her stomach on the floor in a long t-shirt that she used as pajamas right in front of him. Her head was propped up on her hands as she watched tv. Her legs were spread, her knees bent up, and her feet waving in the air. The father saw this, was shocked at his first thoughts, and immediately told his daughter to go put some more clothes on. As teenagers often do, she didn’t immediately obey, but asked, “Why? I’m comfortable.” Instead of standing his ground, he turned to his wife for support and said, “Tell her to go put some clothes on.” His wife, instead of supporting him, said, “Why? Have you got a problem?” Yes, we men have problems. We were designed to be visually stimulated and it is not our fault if a scantily clad daughter is the one who stimulates us. Yes, we need to be men and establish good modest boundaries, but we also need support from our wives without having shame and guilt heaped upon us for it.
Guest, I completely understand you making use of my first comments policy rule. I hope this has been helpful. Again I apologize for taking so long to respond to it.
I would add to Justin’s and Edwin’s comments that in my experience, and in the experience of every man with whom I’ve been able to discuss sexual temptation candidly, your husband is not unusual. Sadly, “a father with such history” would seem to describe the majority of fathers. What makes your husband different than most is not the fact that he struggles with sexual temptation, but the fact that he is brave enough to be open and honest with you about it.
I would never recommend that you or anyone condone sin or downplay its devastating effects, and I agree completely with Edwin that it is best to be overly cautious rather than not cautious enough. My guess is that your husband struggles more than he has told you.
However, what will motivate him more than anything to actually overcome this sin is prayer, an honest love for God, and your respect.
If I were your husband, I would be motivated more than ever to overcome after reading your first paragraph. You believe in him. He is your man. You admire him for being open about his struggles. You know that he’s determined to overcome. And you’re proud of him for helping another brother who is struggling. Are all those things true? Then tell him so. And keep telling him. Tell him how proud you are of him as many times each day as you wish he would tell you he loves you.
Most importantly, tell him those things when he messes up and when he comes to you for forgiveness and for help. That’s when he needs to hear those things most. You will be mad at him. You will be devastated that he’s messed up. But, if he is a good man deep down inside, then every single time he messes up, he’s just as devastated as you are. Just like when you’re upset and what you need most from your husband is to hear that he loves you no matter what, he needs to hear that you’re proud of him–for being a good man deep down inside–no matter what. That will encourage him to come to you more. That will make him want to be honest with you. He won’t want to hide things, he’ll want to make you proud.
What makes most men hide their struggles is fear that they’ll lose the respect of the people closest to them. That means you. You don’t respect the sin–at all–and you shouldn’t. But you do respect the man. You respect the fact that he is being open and honest with you. So tell him that part. Once he is assured that you respect him no matter what, then you two can discuss how devastated you are.
But be very careful about how and when you tell him how devastating the sin is to you, or else he will almost definitely start to reign in his openness. Men are strange creatures. We desperately want to make our wives proud. When they are not proud of us, it devastates us. So be careful not to criticize. He wants to know how you feel and what you think. He wants to hear how devastated you are by his sin because he desperately wants to quit and he knows that hearing how it hurts someone he loves will motivate him to quit. But before he can even begin to process any of that, he just needs to know without a doubt that you’re proud of him for who he is. Once he’s assured of that he’ll do anything he can to love you and take care of you.
I know that I wouldn’t even hesitate to share every thought, every feeling, every struggle with my wife if I knew that every time I do she’ll tell me she’s proud of who I am regardless of those thoughts, feelings, and struggles. When you two have that kind of relationship, you’ll be able to really work together to deal with any specific problems that may arise. He’ll be able to tell you if the laundry is a problem for him, because he won’t be afraid of you cringing. But, if he’s afraid that your first response will be telling him how disgusting he is, he’ll probably just keep it to himself, struggle with it alone, and most likely fail.
You have the power to make him a great man. The key is to be proud of him no matter what. Know that he is a normal man, and his struggles are normal. Be proud that he’s not content with just being normal.
Let me reiterate that I intended for my comments to be understood in addition to, not instead of what was said above. Definitely confront him if he says or does anything at all that concerns you or makes you uncomfortable. Just make sure he knows without a doubt that you’re proud of who he is before you start discussing the difficult things.
Thanks, new Guest, for your chiming in. I appreciate you adding this side to the discussion and completely agree with the perspective. What helps me return again and again to God is knowing that He already knew my sins and loved me anyway. I know He’s not ever going to say, “You’ve gone to far, I don’t love you anymore, my Son’s death doesn’t count for you anymore.” He’s always going to welcome me back home.
I do want to make one slight modification. I don’t believe anyone has the power to make anyone else anything–except God. Certainly, our behavior can influence others. I don’t want my wife to believe that if I’m not a great person it is because she didn’t do something right. I also don’t want her to believe that my greatness is contingent on her doing everything right. We are both working on ourselves.
Thanks for the great series. Just got through them on my iPhone so it took a while LOL, I so agree with the fact that porn tries to teach men stuff that are far from the truth. Keep it up.
I benefit from the perspectives shared here. Thanks for your responses. I walk away from this conversation with some realizations.
I need to work on more matter of factly accepting, even perhaps expecting struggles with the eyes as part of being male. God gave a man this gift in his eyes, this ability to see his wife in a way that sky rockets her self esteem and gives her satisfaction in knowing that she has something for him no one else can give. I believe him when he says that looking outside of marriage is not as satisfactory and does not build him up in the way his own wife does, rather beats him down. That doesn’t mean the gift is at fault.
I need to focus more on where he and I are headed than on the bumps along the way. I can maybe anticipate the bumps, maybe even brace for them if the stretch of road looks to be really rough, but can trust that the bumps won’t still be jolting me around once we’re enjoying the destination. (…even if I remember the bumps… even if maybe a little sore.) And he needs to know that I don’t believe he’s actively setting his course and aiming for those bumps in the road (even if it sure seems like it sometimes). I know his big picture desires are in the right place.
Third, I can be aware, I can be proactive, I can be a loving teacher to other females around me, but I need to quit trying to see in every other woman, including my daughter, what I fear my husband might be seeing. Bad bad results.
I could not have accepted the above comment, much less written it, before being convinced that his draw to pornography is not due to something less than satisfactory about my person. I say “convinced”, as if it’s that easy. Perhaps I should say I “academically trust” that it’s not about what I’m not. Most of the time. When I make myself remember.
I stumbled upon this today, and while I think it’s a well done article, I think some of the generalizations made about women are a bit unfortunate. For example, I don’t know that it’s beneficial to tell men who are already struggling in the bedroom due to false ideals porn has given them that a woman’s main goal isn’t normally an orgasm. Perhaps there are some woman who have sex without the goal of an orgasm, but I wouldn’t categorize that as “most women”. I’m not really sure where you got that information from, but I can guarantee it is not from most women.
It’s not just that example though. Throughout all fifteen points, you’ve painted women in a very stereotypical manner. Things like “doing the dishes” or “letting her cry about the kids” as foreplay. “Women just aren’t like that” is this common theme, but that’s not reality at all. You’re definitely right, women aren’t pornstars, but we aren’t all stay at home moms who just want to have sweet, intimate sex in the missionary position after a nice cry about our feelings. Modern women are significantly more sexual than you seem to think we are.
I know this article was supposed to be somewhat progressive, but honestly, it has very unfortunate undertones that, in my opinion, perpetuation the oppression of women’s sexuality under the guise of the doing the opposite.
Hi Leah,
Thank you for chiming in. I appreciate getting multiple perspectives.
However, I feel like your complaints are something you have brought with you to my article and not something that is really there.
For instance, I didn’t say that no woman really wants an orgasm. I simply pointed out that sexuality is not the same for men and women. Perhaps I could have been clearer on that point. But what I was trying to suggest is that for men, they can usually take or leave the intimacy and connection as long as they get the orgasm. I’m certainly no social scientist. But from what I have read and heard from women, while orgasm is pleasurable, enjoyable, and they certainly want to experience that, the more important part of sexuality for them is making the connection, not necessarily getting to that climactic point. I didn’t mean to make any statement that said all women are a certain way. In fact, throughout the article, I stressed that good sex is about communication to learn what each other want and are looking for. If for you that means having an orgasm every time you do anything sexual with your husband, then I hope your husband is listening to you enough to learn that. By the way, I certainly believe that women want to experience orgasm and if a husband is getting his, but consistently leaving his wife hanging in that regard, he is doing wrong. But again, that is about communication.
Also, I’m not sure where you got the idea that I said women aren’t sexual. I didn’t say that at all. What I was trying to convey is that the approach of women in general to sexuality is different than that of men in general. There are exceptions to every generality. But I guess the best way for me to express that is by asking you a question. Do most of the women you know spend their day waiting for their husband to get home so they can hop in the sack for a roll in the hay as soon as he walks through the door? Do they see every man who comes into their life, whether the pizza delivery guy, the bank teller, or the doctor as their possible next conquest? Does every good looking guy they meet make them think about having sex? Because that is what pornography teaches men and I think that causes problems in most marriages where pornography has weaseled its way into the man’s heart.
Again, I’m no social scientist. I haven’t done years and years of research. But, anecdotally, what I have seen and been told is that in general sex is important to women but for different reasons than men. We men have to understand that and the only way to pursue healthy sex is through healthy dialogue with our wives, not through bringing to the bedroom what we learned from pornography.
Finally, I’m not sure where you got the idea that I said women are all “stay at home moms who just want to have sweet, intimate sex in the missionary position after a nice cry about our feelings.” I talked about women who stayed at home and worked jobs. Please specifically note two statements I made regarding the issues of positions and kinds of sex. I wrote: “Every woman is different. Every woman enjoys different things. Every woman finds different things pleasurable. None of them are wrong; they are just different. When you try to force on your wife what you ‘learned’ while watching porn, no matter what you think, you aren’t in it for her. You aren’t trying to get to know her better or please her. She does love you. She just may not love the kind of sex you saw in that pornography.” I also wrote: “When sex, no matter in what position, draws a husband and wife closer emotionally, mentally, and spiritually because they are enjoying one another and celebrating their oneness, that goes with them when the physical pleasure has subsided.”
The point in those two quotes was not that women only want missionary. The point was that a particular person’s wife may not want to do what he saw in that last porn video, and that is alright. She may want to. The issue is not what is novel but what is meaningful for both.
BTW: regarding the dishes and the discussion of feelings, I hope that wasn’t taken as a stereotype that women are supposed to do dishes. The point was that dishes have to get done. And for many women, it is better foreplay for the husband to step up and do the dishes (whether the woman works outside the home or stays at home) than to come up, cop a feel, and say, “Hey babe, you want some of this” while she is doing the dishes. I won’t say all. Everyone is different. But that is what I was trying to point out. Additionally, in general, women are more into verbal expression of feelings than men (not always, but generally) and to my understanding few women are interested in a sexual relationship with a man who doesn’t care what else is going on in their life but just wants to get some tonight.
If when I said “women aren’t like this” I overstated because in some areas you are like that, I apologize. I tried to temper my statements with words like “many” and “not all.” The point I was trying to get across is that pornography is not representative of every woman (and I believe not even representative of most women). The key is not to bring pornography into the bedroom but to bring communication.
Sorry for the long reply, but I hope this is clarifying. And if I’m still missing something, please feel free to let me know.