God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

parenting

Am I Training My Children to Follow Me or Lead Themselves?

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This past Sunday, I was teaching a class on leadership. The whole crux of the lesson was “Good leaders develop followers; Great leaders develop other leaders.” That seems so profound in the congregational setting. But then it hit me. What about my kids? Am I training them to be followers or leaders.

Now I know where your mind just went. You thought I was talking about whether or not they will follow the crowd at school or whether they will lead the crowd. While that is good point too, I was actually thinking of where I may have a deeper problem in child-rearing.

Am I training my children simply to follow me or am I empowering them to be able to lead themselves?

Am I training them to do what they think is right or am I training them to do what I think is right? Am I empowering them to think for themselves or am I squelching their creativity? Are they ever allowed to disagree with me? Should they be allowed to disagree with me? Or am I teaching them to simply step in line behind me?

I don’t want my children to simply be followers, even if they are just following me. Yes, I want to positively influence them. But, really, I want them to be leaders. That may mean they don’t stay in lockstep behind me.

So, how do I help train them to be leaders?

Let me know what you think.

When Should I Punish? When Should I Show Mercy? You Tell Me

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Alright, I’m struggling as a dad. I have some big questions. So I thought I’d just throw out what I’m thinking and get some discussion going. Hopefully, we can come up with an answer together.

I understand that my job is to discipline my children. I am to train them up so they can be productive parts of God’s kingdom and man’s society. Part of that means using the rod. At the same time, I’ve learned that the mere threat of the rod doesn’t necessarily produce great behavior in my children. In some cases, it simply helps them get really good at being secretive and avoiding detection.

There have been some times where something has happened, we have no idea which child did it. We threaten and cajole and don’t get any closer. I know some suggest simply punishing them all, but I keep going back to treating others the way I want to be treated. I don’t want to be punished for something I didn’t do just because the one who did it won’t fess up. On some occasions, we finally got to a point of saying, “Look, somebody here has lied. We know what lying can do to your heart. We know the guilt and shame it can produce and we don’t want you to live with that for the rest of your life. When whoever the guilty party is has had enough of the guilt and shame, come talk to us. We won’t punish you, we just want to help you overcome this sin.”

In most cases, the guilty party eventually comes clean with us in a private setting. We have a good talk. I think the child was helped.

For a time, I wondered, “Hmm, does punishment not really work? Is that hindering my kids from being honest with me? Should I remove the threat of punishment?” But I can’t square that with the Bible. Obviously the Bible talks about parents disciplining and punishing their children.

Then I got to thinking about how God deals with me. I saw four things and I’m trying to figure out how to bring them into my parenting with consistency and wondering if I’m even on the right track. Here is what I saw.

  1. When I’m caught in impenitent rebellion and dishonesty, God punishes.
  2. When I come to God to penitently confess my sins, God forgives and shows mercy. He doesn’t punish.
  3. Whether I’m in impenitent rebellion or penitently confessing, God lets me face the natural consequences of my action.
  4. When I penitently confess my sins, God teaches and provides boundaries to overcome the sin in the future, pruning and disciplining me.

So, here are my questions for you.

  1. Are the above four points accurate? Is that how God really deals with us?
  2. If they are accurate, how do we implement the same strategy in our parenting?
  3. When should we punish? When should we show mercy?

In other words, if my child confesses before getting caught, is there never any punishment? How do you distinguish between punishment, discipline, and natural consequences? You tell me.

Thanks ahead of time for letting me know what you think.

And remember, God’s way really does work for our families.

Edwin

31 Ways to Pray for Your Kids

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Thanks to Jason Hardin for reposting this. I thought I would pass it along too.

If you’re a parent, perhaps you can relate to these words by Bob Hostetler:

For years, like any responsible Christian parent, I prayed daily for my two children, Aubrey and Aaron.  I prayed for God’s blessing and protection throughout their days.  I prayed for them to be happy.  I asked God to help them through difficult times and to help them make wise choices.  My prayers were regular, heartfelt, and—for the most part—pedestrian and repetitive.

I wanted more than that, however.  I wanted so much for my children, but when I knelt in prayer, I invariably found the same tired words rolling from my lips, like an adult whose table grace never progressed beyond “God is great, God is good, now we thank him for this food…”

So Bob developed his own “parent prayer program,” a simple practice that revolutionized the way he prays for his children.  Each day of the month, in addition to his prayers for their safety and for the concerns of that day, he also prays for a specific character trait, virtue, or fruit of the Spirit to be planted and nurtured in his children through his efforts (and his wife’s), through the influence of others, and through his children’s own actions and decisions.  At the end of each month, he begins praying through the list again.

I really appreciate Bob sharing his plan and inviting others to “duplicate it—or improve upon it—to help you pray specifically and purposefully for your children.”  Below is a slightly adapted list I plan on adopting for my own prayer life.

  1. Salvation – “Father, my heart’s desire and prayer to you is that my children may be saved, that they may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory” (Rom 10:1;  2 Tim 2:10).
  2. Growth in grace – “I pray that they may grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Pet 3:18).
  3. Love – “Grant, Lord, that my children may learn to walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us” (Eph 5:2).
  4. Honesty and integrity – “May integrity and honesty preserve and protect them” (Psa 25:21).
  5. Self-control – “Father, help my children not to be like so many others around them, but let them be alert and sober in all that they do” (1 Thes 5:6)
  6. A love for God’s Word – “May my children grow to treasure your Word as more precious than gold and sweeter than honey” (Psa 19:10).
  7. Justice – “God, help my children to love righteousness as you do and to act justly in all that they do” (Psa 11:7; Mic 6:8).
  8. Mercy – “May my children always be merciful, even as their heavenly Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36).
  9. Respect – “Father, grant that my children may show proper respect for authority, for themselves, and for others” (1 Pet 2:17).
  10. Strong, Biblical self-esteem – “Help my children develop a strong sense of self-worth that is rooted in the realization that they are your workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works” (Eph 2:10).
  11. Faithfulness – “Let love and faithfulness never leave my children, but bind these twin virtues around their necks and write them on the tablet of their hearts” (Prov 3:3).
  12. Courage – “May my children always be strong and courageous in their character and in their actions” (Deut 31:6).
  13. Purity – “Create in them a pure heart, O God, and let their purity of heart be shown in their actions” (Psa 51:10).
  14. Kindness – “Lord, may my children always seek to do good to one another and to everyone” (1 Thes 5:15).
  15. Generosity – “Grant that my children may be generous and ready to share, thus storing up treasure for themselves as a good foundation for the future” (1 Tim 6:18-19).
  16. Peace and peaceability – “Father, help my children pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding” (Rom 14:19).
  17. Joy – “May my children eagerly receive your Word and be filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit’” (1 Thes 1:6).
  18. Perseverance – “Lord, teach my children steadfastness in all that they do, and help them to run with endurance the race that is set before them” (Heb 12:1).
  19. Humility – “God, please cultivate in my children the ability to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people (Tit 3:2).
  20. Compassion – “Lord, please clothe my children with the virtue of compassionate hearts” (Col 3:12).
  21. Responsibility – “Grant that my children may learn to faithfully bear their own load as dedicated stewards, for your glory” (Gal 6:5).
  22. Contentment – “Father, help my children learn the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need, through Christ who can strengthen them in any and every circumstance” (Phil 4:12-13).
  23. Faith – “I pray that faith will find root and grow in my children’s hearts, that by faith they may gain what has been promised to them” (Luke 17:5-6; Heb 11:1).
  24. A servant’s heart – “God, please help my children do your will from their hearts, that they may serve wholeheartedly, as to you and not to men” (Eph 6:7).
  25. Hope – “May you, the God of hope, fill my children and make them overflow with hopefulness by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom 15:13).
  26. Patience – “Do whatever you must, faithful Father, to help my children develop patience in well-doing as they seek for glory and honor and immortality” (Rom 2:7).
  27. A passion for God – “Help my children to learn that your steadfast love is better than life and that the greatest joy is found when our souls cling passionately to you (Psa 63:3,8).
  28. Self-discipline – “Father, I pray that my children would develop discipline to consistently seek your wise instructions, that they may walk in ways that are right and just and fair” (Prov 1:3).
  29. Prayerfulness – “Grant, Lord, that my children’s lives would be marked by prayerfulness, that they would pray at all occasions with all kinds of supplications and requests” (Eph 6:18).
  30. Gratitude – “Help my children to live lives that overflow with thankfulness, giving you thanks always and for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Col 2:7; Eph 5:20).
  31. A heart for evangelism – “Heavenly Father, help my children to develop hearts for the spread of the gospel, a desire to see your glory declared among the nations, your marvelous deeds among all the peoples” (Psa 96:3).

What about you?  Could a similar approach to prayer supplement your efforts to bring your own children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord? (Eph 6:4)

Helicopter Parenting: What Do You Think?

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Regrettably, ABC won’t let this video be embedded (I’m still wondering when these folks are going to get with the program and recognize allowing this stuff to be passed on only helps them). Anyway, check out the video at the following YouTube link.

Helicopter Moms: Hurting or Helping Kids

Then, let’s talk about it.

Helicopter parenting: What do you think?

Have a Personal Bible Study with Your Kids

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I guess it’s been a couple of months ago now that my wife asked me to start having Bible studies with each of the kids. My initial thought was, “What? Are you kidding me? Do you know how much work I have to do each day?” I couldn’t believe she was asking me to add this in to my day. Sure, I want to have some family time in the Word each week, but add in three Bible studies?

I wondered if she had forgotten that we had just moved to work with a new congregation. I was busy trying to meet people. I was establishing new studies with people, trying to visit with guests in the congregation. Not to mention we had moved from a congregation in which I had to preach once a week and now have to preach twice (I know, I know, most of you other preachers are playing the violin and weeping for me). How could she ask me to do this?

I was conflicted. In fact, I felt guilty. I knew this should be something I wanted to do. After all, I am the dad. My job is to lead my family. My job is to raise my kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. But at first, all I could see was the sacrifice of my time and how it would get in they way of my “job.”

Then something hit me. If one of my neighbors called up and asked for a Bible study, I would be all over that. If a visitor in the church asked for a study, I would jump at the chance. If anybody in the congregation asked me to have a study with their family and their children, I’d be making all kinds of room in my schedule. Why? That’s my job. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. I study the Bible with people. I’m always looking for opportunities to do that.

Suddenly it became clear. I now have three opportunities to study every week with someone. These three people are extremely important to me. I want them to serve God more than I want anyone else to. Why on earth would I get upset about scheduling time with them to study the Word? Now, no matter what, I get to have at least three Bible studies per week. I get to share God’s word with three people. Sometimes we get a lot out of it. Sometimes it is a struggle. But this is my life. It’s what I do. I can hardly believe I was ready to miss out on the opportunity just because I was having a skewed perspective.

I bring all this up because I’ve met a lot of dads (and moms) who bemoan the fact that they have always wanted to be able to teach someone the gospel, to have personal work or evangelistic studies and help others get to heaven. They are sincere about that, but they consistently overlook the very people God gave them to teach.

Why not set up your first weekly Bible study? Why not do it with your children? You can do it with them as a group or work with each of them individually. Either way, if you’re looking for someone to share the gospel with, why not do it with your kids. They need it too.

And remember, God’s way works for your family.

When I Remember My Own Weaknesses, I Can Be Gentle with My Family

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Today’s Bible reading over at giveattentiontoreading.com really hit me about how I deal with my family.

The verse that really got me was Hebrews 5:2, “He can deal gently with the ignorant and wayward, since he himself is beset with weakness.” The Hebrew writer was talking about the Old Covenant priests who had to offer sacrifices for themselves as well as for the people. They could deal gently with others because they recognize their own weaknesses.

That hit me regarding my preaching and relationships with brethren. But it also made me think about my wife and kids. It really struck me that usually I’m most harsh with my wife and kids if they are making a mistake I have made. I think in some ways I can get really harsh because I can trick myself into thinking I’m better than I am. If I come down really hard on them about the issue that means I’m not soft on the issue with them and really I have a good handle on it. I can make myself feel better than them by really letting them have it.

Interestingly, the Bible says my own weaknesses should have the exact opposite affect. Instead of my weaknesses making me more harsh with my family, they ought to help me address my family with gentleness.

This is especially true with my children. How often I see them make my mistakes and out of the noble desire to protect them from the consequences I’ve had to face I start getting mean, harsh, controlling, and even manipulative. In my mind, it is about protecting and preserving them. That seems noble enough. One of the things I’m learning is that when I’m mean, harsh, or controlling, I usually just push my kids to keep making the same mistakes. When I approach them with gentleness, recognizing my own weaknesses, even leading with my weaknesses, that seems to help them a whole lot more.

I’m making a personal commitment today. Before I start getting on to my kids for anything, I want to first think about my own weaknesses. I want to remember that I am beset with weakness. That way, when I deal with their weaknesses, I can do so with the proper spirit.

Have a great week and remember that God’s way works with our families.

Edwin