emotions

The #1 Way to Avoid Road Rage and Other Irrational Expressions of Emotion

September 24, 2012 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

“I can’t believe it you @#$&%$. I had right of way you *&%$@#*&. Where did you learn how to drive you stupid &%$#+$@?” And all this from the mouth of a Christian gesturing with his hand, as John Maxwell says, that the other driver is number 1. When called on the carpet for such a blatant violation of James 3:6-12, the brother or sister responds, “I can’t help myself. When someone pulls out in front of me, it just flies all over me. I have to do something.” That seems natural. It seems almost logical. We may even want to make an exception to God’s will about the tongue in this situation. But do we really have to do this kind of something? Or can we actually overcome road rage and other irrational expressions of emotion?

Yes, we can overcome. Keep reading to find out how.

Something Worth Doing, Part 13: Cry Tears Worth Shedding

July 22, 2009 by Edwin Crozier 2 Comments

(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Cry Tears Worth Shedding

I was 13 when I first learned crying was the wrong thing to do. I had gone fishing with some friends. As we climbed a hill so steep it was more like crawling than walking, one of my friends above me kicked loose a rock (at the time it appeared to be a boulder to me). The rock scraped across my hand removing the left side of my left-hand middle finger. It removed a strip of skin about a quarter inch wide and two inches long. It hurt like nobody’s business. It bled like crazy; I remember thinking I was going to bleed to death. And I cried and cried and cried. However, what I remember most was the younger girl, whose name I don’t even remember who also was hit by the rock, although the rock merely rolled across her hand leaving no damage whatsoever. She hardly cried at all. On the ride to the emergency room, I couldn’t quit crying. I remember her making fun of me because I cried and expressing how much better than me she was because she wasn’t crying. I hardly cried at all for more than 20 years following that day.

In our culture, we teach that crying means someone is spoiled, immature, weak, manipulative, insignificant. Women are afraid to cry in front of men because they fear they will be seen as weak. Men are afraid to cry in front of anyone because they are afraid they will be seen as failures. We are told to keep a stiff upper lip. We are told we need to be brave. We are told we need to be strong. Even when people are understanding of our tears they still do their best to get us to stop, letting us know it will be okay and there’s really no need to cry. When children cry we threaten, bribe, cajole, and distract them so they will stop.

With that in mind, I don’t feel shame or guilt that I stopped crying for so long. I know it was simply how I was trained. But over the past two years, I have worked at crying. I encourage you to do the same. Our culture is wrong when it tells us not to cry. Our culture is wrong when it tells us to discourage others from crying.

Sadly, even Christians have bought in to the “no cry” policy. Too often we act like the only emotionChristians should have is joy and happiness. We are afraid we aren’t being spiritual enough or trusting God enough if we cry. But Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep. Jesus wept (John 11:35). The apostle Paul cried more than any of them (Acts 20:19, 31; II Corinthians 2:4; Philippians 3:18). Tears are part of a healthy life. Tears are part of a spiritual life.

Like the hugging we learned about a few weeks ago, crying is actually good for us physiologically. Scientists have learned that emotional tears carry toxins out of our body that are increased due to stress, emotion, and pain. When we repress our crying, we aren’t showing strength, we are actually weakening our bodies. Some theorize that is why women in general live longer than men, they cry more readily getting rid of those toxins.

Why is it that hugging and crying, two extremely positive things are stigmatized by our culture? Why do men in particular want to hang on to failed stereotypes to express a terrible view of manhood?

Perhaps the Bible passage that has helped me the most is Romans 12:15. Paul wrote, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” He didn’t say distract those who weep. He didn’t say threaten those who weep. He didn’t say laugh at those who weep. He didn’t say stigmatize those who weep. He didn’t say ostracize those who weep. He didn’t say mock those who weep. He didn’t say stop those who weep. He didn’t say entertain those who weep. He didn’t even say comfort those who weep. He said weep with those who weep.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the shedding of tears. In fact, instead of trying to stop someone else, we should let their tears prompt our own. We need to empathize and feel the pain and sadness so that we too may release our own emotions. Their tears are worth shedding and worth shedding some of our own with them.

So which tears are worth shedding? Every single one of them. This resolution does not tell us to limit our tears to only those worthwhile. It encourages us to cry tears because they are necessary; they are worth shedding. Granted, you may, like Joseph in Genesis 43:30, need to get in a more appropriate location. You may not want to cry in front of your boss just because he shot down your proposal. But if it makes you sad, go somewhere and cry. It’s okay. You’re not a wimp or a loser; you’re living longer. If you’re children are crying because they broke a toy, don’t try to get them to stop by promising them a new one. Let them be sad for the loss of their old one. If one of your friends starts crying for some unknown reason, don’t push them away. Draw them close and let them know its okay.

If you need to cry, shed the tears. They are worth shedding.

(Come back next Wednesday. We’re going to talk about Doing Something Worth Watching.)

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs Pt 2–Teach Them to Trust

January 20, 2009 by Edwin Crozier 3 Comments

We continue our series on the three unhealthy family rules, by which too many families live.

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

Last week, we pointed out living by these rules are some of the biggest causes of addictions as we grow up. These are the reasons that some people can go through detox, endure the withdrawal period, seem to be clean, come home and go right back to their addiction. It’s more than physical. Because they learned they weren’t supposed to feel, learned not to trust and learned not to talk, they have nowhere to turn to deal with the feelings coming up, so they medicate them.

We learned about how we can teach our children not to feel in part 1. In just the same way, we must teach our children to trust. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, you can’t have vulnerability. Without vulnerability, you can’t have emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy. Without emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy you can’t have a good relationship.

Of course, some are saying, “You have to be careful teaching your kids to trust people. They can really get hurt.” See, you learned this lesson while growing up too.

“Oh no, I’ve never taught my children not to trust me or not to trust anyone.” Good, I hope that’s the case. I know for me, I’ve violated this rule too many times and I’ve seen it violated.

Let me share 8 ways we teach our children not to trust.

1. Gossip

Not gossiping about our kids. Gossiping about other people in front of our kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They can see when we treat others well to their faces and then talk about all their flaws, faults and problems behind their backs. What do we think they learn from that? They can only surmise we do the same to them. All those nice things we say to their faces won’t mean squat because they’re sure we must be talking badly about them behind their backs.

Additionally, since most of their relationships are going to be fundamentally based on what they learn from us, they’ll think everyone must do that. Everyone must gossip. Everyone must say nice things to their faces but bad things behind their backs. It will be hard for anyone to break through that wall and gain their trust.

We must watch what we say to and about others. Our kids are learning to trust or not.

2. Belittling

This ties in with the Don’t Feel rule. Have you ever laughed at your child when they shared that something hurt them or bothered them? That is so easy to do. Their problems are so small. To us they seem insignificant and humorous. In the big scheme of things they may not matter that much. But they matter that much to them. If we belittle them by laughing at them when they open up to share their feelings, they learn not to trust us with their feelings.

Or what about this practical example. One of our children confides in us that she kind of likes a certain boy. Then every time we see that boy we needle the child. “Oh look, there’s so and so.” Or even worse, “Hey so and so, look who’s here.” What have we told our daughter? “I can’t be trusted with your feelings about boys. Don’t share anything with me, I’ll only hurt or embarrass you with it.”

3. Mocking

When emotions come out, they can be…well…emotional. In our culture, truly expressing emotions is not the norm (which will lead us directly into the Don’t Talk rule that will come next week), therefore when they come out we might mock them.

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Quit being such a sensitive girl.” Or worse, we might even mock their crying and then laugh at them. With little children their attempts to express their anger can easily come off seeming a little silly. The last thing we want to do is make fun of their expressions of anger. To add insult to injury, how often do we store up the story of our child’s emotions to share with our spouses when they get home. We tell the story and share a good laugh at the child’s expense.

All our kids learn from this is we can’t be trusted with their feelings.

4. Betraying confidences

Sometimes we can feel our kids’ secrets are not nearly as important as ours. Who really cares if we tell our friends about our son’s girl troubles or about our daughter’s fears when she had her first menstrual cycle? It’s not like these are issues of national security. We know no one will look down on them. Those really aren’t big deals.

Once again, it is to our kids. We need to remember how we felt when we were kids. Sharing these kinds of secrets was big stuff. We were laying our heart on the line. We were making ourselves extremely vulnerable. I know that as we got older and started dealing with bigger things we came to believe those issues weren’t so big. But back then they were huge. Even though one day our kids will also come to realize those things were not that big, the feeling of betrayal will linger even when they can’t remember why. They’ll learn not to trust others.

5. Broken promises

How do we feel when someone tells us they will do something and then they don’t? For our kids it is ten times worse when their own parent makes a promise and then breaks it. Our children don’t have the mental capacity or experience to understand about our work and other responsibilities. They just know we promised and we didn’t follow through.

The first thing this means is we need to be careful what we promise and commit to. If we’re loose with making promises and commitments we can’t keep, our kids will lose trust. Keep in mind, you don’t have to say, “I promise” for a child to think we’ve promised. If we say we’re going to do something, we had better do it. Otherwise, our kids learn people can’t be trusted to do what they say.

Certainly, there are times when promises get broken and we couldn’t help it. In these cases, we must validate and affirm our child’s feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal. Don’t berate them for their feelings. Remember how you feel when someone brakes a promise to you. Then apologize and make an amends. Don’t offer excuses and justifications. Make amends and ask for forgiveness. But don’t let this become a habit. I believe our children are resilient. But I also believe they are smart. They can see when you just have a habit of lying but then trying to make nice to get out of it.

6. Overreaction to mistakes

I am certainly a believer in corporal punishment. I believe there is a time to use the rod of discipline. However, if we hold our kids to adult standards and then overreact with discipline because they acted like kids, they’ll learn to fear, not trust us. I believe our children have a sense of justice. They can learn early on that misbehavior warrants appropriate discipline. My wife and I have had great conversations with our kids in which we agreed together about disciplinary measures for certain issues of disobedience and rebellion.

Sadly, some of us don’t react with appropriate discipline. We overreact because we’re angry, inconvenienced, frustrated, embarrassed. In these cases, our children learn we can’t be trusted with their mistakes. If we yell, scream and belittle because our child accidentally spilled his milk, telling him accidents wouldn’t happen if he just paid more attention, we shouldn’t be surprised when our child doesn’t want to come talk to us when he’s older and has made some really big mistakes. How many prodigals don’t make the trip home because they learned early on they couldn’t trust their parents with their mistakes.

7. Don’t believe them

I know this is tough. Our kids don’t have a highly developed sense of morality. They haven’t figured out the morality of telling truth and lies. So sometimes they will lie out of self-preservation. They’re not actively choosing to be immoral, they’re just kids. That being the case, we sometimes run on the default belief that our kids aren’t telling the truth. Perhaps we are afraid that others will think we’re being soft with our kids.

I recall one time when an adult called to tell me about how my daughter was picking on her grandson. The truth of the matter was the boys had been picking on the girls first and the girls were just retaliating out of a sense of self-defense. What would have happened if I had ignored my daughter’s explanation and assumed she was lying? I would have taught her that I don’t trust her. I would haver taught her that I don’t trust people. If I don’t trust people, why should she?

8. Don’t trust them

Too many parents codependently follow their kids around checking up on them to make sure they did what they said, did it the right way, did it the parents’ way. They don’t trust their kids to do what’s right and it is betrayed in the way they deal with them. Every conversation is a cross-examination about whereabouts, who are you withs and what are you doings.

Look, I know it’s tough. We are concerned for our kids. However, what we need to work on is modeling right behavior, teaching right behavior, preparing them to face temptations and then trusting them to do the right thing. This is increasingly true the older our children get and should be a way of life for us once they are grown and out of our house.

Here’s the key, if we’ve let them learn it is okay to feel and then to trust, when they make mistakes, they’ll know. They’ll feel guilty and they’ll talk to us about it. Then we have opportunity to let them learn positively from their mistakes. Taking the other approach is a vicious cycle. When we show our children we don’t trust, they won’t trust us. They’ll do wrong things but be afraid to talk to us about it. Then they’ll just sit in their shame and guilt. Having no healthy release for these feelings, they’ll look to medicate them by pursuing those same mistakes that got them here in the first place. The less we trust them, the less they trust us, the more mistakes they make, the more they look rebellious, the less we trust them…

Yes, it is true. Sooner or later, when we teach our children to trust, they’ll get burned by someone. However, if we’ve lived in such a way that they can trust us, they’ll talk to us about it and we can help them through it in a healthy way.

If you really want to keep your kids away from addictions, let them feel and be trustable. As I said last week, there is no fool proof formula. However, when you follow this, you’ll give your kids a leg up against addiction. Additionally, you’ll give them a leg up for serenity and peace in their marriage, relationships and life.

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs, Let Them Feel

January 13, 2009 by Edwin Crozier 4 Comments

Most families learn and live by three major but unhealthy rules.

1. Don’t Feel.

2. Don’t Trust

3. Don’t Talk

We’ll talk about the others over the next few weeks; today the first one is on my mind. I have been tested on this two times in as many days.

Test #1

Over the weekend, Ryan cut his upper lip. It formed an unattractive scab underneath his nose. In fact, to be honest, it kind of stood out like a sore thumb. On Monday morning, I walked into his room and he had put a band-aid on. But he was also covering his mouth and saying, “I don’t want to go to school today.” The whole reason is he was embarrassed by the bandage and the cut. For an instant, my old sin enslaved self started to rear up. I reached for the band-aid to yank it off and harshly rebuke him saying, “You don’t need that stupid band-aid, take it off.” Fortunately, none of that happened. I caught myself and I stopped myself. Instead, I hugged him. Told him it was okay to be embarrassed but that he couldn’t stay home from school just because he had a cut lip. He was going to have to work through it. I also told him I didn’t think he needed the band-aid, but he was having none of that.

I was proud of him when just before he left to go wait on the driveway for the bus, I noticed the band-aid was off and he was happy.

Test #2

Last night, the weather report was that we were going to get snow. Ethan is only 9. He assumed the weather report had to be true. He wanted to stay up since he wasn’t going to school today. I had to explain to him the weather is wrong sometimes and we needed to go ahead and act like school was on schedule. Sadly, when Ethan’s alarm went off this morning. He looked outside and there was no snow.

As I was getting ready, I thought I heard some strange noises coming from the boys’ bedroom. I walked in and Ethan was lying face down on the bed crying. The old sin-enslaved me started to rear up again. For an instant, I wanted to say, “Quit your whining and acting like a cry baby. We don’t always get what we want. Now buck up and finish getting ready for school.” Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, I called him to me and gave him a hug. I let him know it was okay to be sad because he didn’t get the snow he wanted. However, even though he was sad, the next right thing was to get ready for school. Of course, I explained that we don’t always get what we want and it’s okay to be sad about that. However, we still have to keep our responsibilities. He laid back down for a few minutes and then finished getting ready.

The Springboard

Sadly, because the feelings of our children are often inconvenient (trust me, I don’t pass this test every time), we often act like their feelings are inappropriate or invalid. Even more sadly, when we do this, the message our kids get is not, “Buck up and move on,” but rather, “You are not valid.” Certainly, I know we should not be governed strictly by our feelings and emotions. However, we should be free to feel them.

Consider Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin…” First, you need to know the phrase “be angry” is passive. That is, it is not talking about someone who is just angry. Rather, it is talking about someone who has been caused to be angry. But the anger is not wrong. They are allowed to feel the anger. Of course, when they are angered, they still have responsibilities. They cannot allow their anger to lead them to sin. But, they are allowed to feel the anger.

This is a guide for me for all emotions. My kids are allowed to be angry. They are allowed to be happy. They are allowed to be sad. They are allowed to be embarrassed. They are allowed to feel lonely, guilty, ashamed or afraid. They are allowed to feel frustrated. My job is not to squelch or strike these emotions out of their life. My job is to help them deal with them in a healthy way. My job is to help them avoid sin when they are feeling these emotions.

Why the Title About Drugs?

I didn’t just put the title in to pique your interest. What we are discussing here is actually the heart of addictions–whether substance or process addictions. You see, the number one cause for addiction is not simply experimentation (though I don’t advise experimentation). The number one cause for addiction is having to deal with feelings I have become convinced are not valid. The anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. will be there even if we try to beat it out of our kids (You know, “Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason…”).

If we allow our kids to feel and use those as opportunities to teach them how to respond appropriately to feelings, they’ll be healthy. On the other hand, if we don’t let them feel, they’ll need to start doing something with those feelings. They’ll need to medicate them. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, television, internet, video games, food, they can all become addictive.

Don’t get me wrong, there is no fail proof way to keep your kids from any of those things. But the number one key to give them a leg up and a push in the right direction is don’t give them a reason to medicate their feelings. Let them feel, affirm them in their feelings, guide them in their feelings, teach them how to deal with those feelings.

Of course, you cant’ give what you don’t have. If you’re constantly medicating your own feelings, get help or you’ll just perpetuate the cycle with your kids.