God's Way Works

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Marriage

I Have the Most Amazing Wife!

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Yesterday, my cousin rebuked me for my blog posts asking, “How come your blog posts are never titled, ‘I have the most amazing wife…'”? She added later, “…and cousin.”

I Have the Most Amazing Wife

The fact is, I do have the most amazing wife. She has put up with me for over 14 years. She works day in and day out raising my children (don’t worry all you women’s libbers, I do my part of that too. She just spends all day with them). That includes schooling them, training them, mediating fights for them, feeding them, disciplining them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. She cooks. She cleans. She manages. She shows hospitality. Did I mention she puts up with me? She is patient with me (most of the time). She forgives me. She moderates me. She humbles me. 

The list could go on and on.

The thing is, I don’t tell her these things enough. Sure, they make their way into a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas card. Maybe a Valentine’s and Mother’s day card. But those don’t have the same impact. I’m supposed to say that stuff on those days. I need to let her know that is how I feel about her all the time. 

The Springboard for Your Family

Today’s springboard is not for you to know that I have a wonderful wife. Rather, you need to look at the folks in your family and let them know how amazing you think they are. Whether wife, husband, children, parents, or extended family, don’t just wait for special days to let them know you think they are amazing. Tell them today.

Do so without expectations. Don’t do it fishing for a compliment. Don’t do it hoping you’ll get “benefits.” Don’t do it because you want something. Just tell them because you really love them and want them to know. And then don’t wait very long before you tell them again.

Have a great week with your family.

P.S.

I guess I have a pretty decent cousin too.

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your Relationships

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Last week we talked about keeping our own side of the street clean. I know that sent some people over the edge. “But Edwin, you just don’t know my husband,” or “But Edwin, you just don’t know my wife.” Some folks went ballistic because they simply cannot see past their own victim mentality to ever notice their own wrong. “Oh, sure, I mean I mess up sometimes. I’m only human. But my spouse (kids, parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) is so awful. Let me tell you the thousand ways my _________ is a jerk. How dare you suggest I should clean up my side of the street.”

And thus, the vicious cycle continues until the relationship is absolutely destroyed. Your marriage ends in divorce. Your parents ostracize you. Your kids abandon you. Your friends avoid you. Your boss fires you. No doubt, you continue to live in the absolute certainty that all of this is everyone else’s fault. It never occurs to you the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

Let me ask you, would you like to continue living in the certain miserable knowledge that you are the victim, that everyone else has done wrong, that you are not to blame for your failed relationships OR would you like to have some peace, serenity, and joy in your relationships and have your relationships continue to grow despite even hard times?

I know which one I want.  

Please, allow me to share with you…

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

1. Disregard the wrong others have done to you.

“Aaaaaaggggghhhh! What? How can you possibly say this? My spouse (parent, child, etc.) have done me so wrong I can hardly stand it.”

I have no doubt that is the case. We are all human. We live among humans. We have all wronged and been wronged. I’m sure you have been terribly wronged by others. Here is the question. Do two wrongs make a right? Does the fact that others have wronged you mean you now have the right to wrong them back? Are you really going to live your life like a 5-year-old screaming, “He hit me first”?

I have four children; a 12-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old son, a 7-year-old son, and an 18-month-old daughter. Do you know what drives me crazy with these kids the most? The picking at each other. “Dad, Tessa said it was my fault that _________” “Well, Dad, Ethan did _________, so I did __________, and I said ______________.” “Well, yeah, that was because Ryan did ________________.” “Dad, that’s not fair, Ethan and Tessa did ______________________.” Just thinking about it drives me nuts. 

Then it hits me. Why do these kids act like this? Some of it is because they are kids. But then again, some of it is because they see adults acting this way. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible tendency of figuring out how everything is everyone else’s fault in the world. I hate to say that my kids have actually got to witness me acting the exact same way towards my wife, my brothers, my parents. I have to ask, am I 5 or 35? 

Don’t spend time blaming everyone else, “If they hadn’t done such and such, I wouldn’t have done such and such.” Is your wrong excused because of theirs? Do you ever stop to think that they are telling their friends the same things about you? 

Even if you really can fathom all the way back to the beginning of this rotten relationship cycle and do know the other person started it, are you really convinced the bitterness, resentment, and malice eating on your heart and soul are helping you be a better person or have a better relationship with them? Is that really where you want to spend the rest of your emotional days?

If you really want to break this cycle and start having better relationships, you need to disregard the wrong others have done to you.

1 1/2. Three caveats

First, since many of my readers are Christians, let me make something abundantly clear. This post is not about helping people grow in Christ or overcome sin and go to heaven. I’m talking about us working on us before we start working on others. Clearly, when others have sinned, we cannot simply dismiss it. We are to help others grow. However, please do not justify your personal blame and victim games as if what you are really concerned about is the other person being forgiven and going to heaven.

Second, I’m also not suggesting you be a doormat. I’m not saying if someone really has hurt you don’t ever say anything to them about it. Clearly, for relationships to work well we not only have to clean up our side of the street, but we have to learn how to express our feelings when we’ve really been hurt so we won’t harbor resentments. What I am saying is it is much easier and far more effective to talk to someone who has hurt you when you’ve gone the extra mile to clean up your side of the street in the relationship first.

Third, in some cases folks really have been truly innocent victims. While I believe victims of child abuse, rape, or other extreme crimes can benefit from what I’m sharing here, I am not about to set myself up as some kind of post-trauma specialist who can give you psychological advice. I encourage you to look for professional help to guide you through the emotional landmines of overcoming such treatment. 

2. Make a list of the wrongs you have done.

Do this on two levels. The first level is simply to remind yourself you have done your fair share of wrong in the history of the world. Let’s face it, there was only one perfect person in the history of mankind and you aren’t Him. Count your many sins and be reminded that you really don’t get to play the role of innocent victim in society.

The second level is to do this in context of very specific relationships. Think about your relationship with your parents. Instead of remembering all the bad things they did to you, think about the wrong you did. Make a list of the resentments, disobedience, disrespect, etc. that you did in the relationship. Think about your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your friends, etc. List what you did wrong.

Don’t discount things by saying, “Yeah, but I would never have done that if they hadn’t done such and such.” Remember, we are disregarding what they did. If what you did was wrong, the motivation that stemmed from the other person doesn’t matter. You are striving to purge the guilt and shame you feel and the only way to do that is to get to the bottom of what you did.

Of course, that last statement hits at the heart of our problem. You do feel guilt and shame, but you don’t like to. Therefore, your natural reaction is to deflect that guilt and shame. You want to put that on someone else. That is often why you build up your victim status. You may sedate the shame and guilt for a time, but it will always come back. Something inside you knows something is unresolved.

The only way to overcome the guilt and shame is to face it head on. Sit in those feelings and figure out why you’ve got them. You never will as long as you keep deflecting it to others. Yes, sometimes you’ll figure out you feel guilt and shame when you’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel those things. In many cases, however, you’ll figure out you were not the victim you like to think. you are guilty, and there is room for healthy shame.

Finally, a great big reason to take this step is because having listed these things, you still don’t think anyone else was justified for the wrong they did to you. You want them to judge you based on your intentions. You want them to realize that you have been spiritually, emotionally, or mentally unhealthy and instead of responding in kind, you wanted them to be patient with you and help you overcome. Shouldn’t you offer that same treatment to others. This can help you go back to step one and treat others the way you want to be treated. You can see them as people who are also growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually. They may have messed up royally, but you should offer them the same patience and compassion you have wanted when you messed up royally.

3. Apologize and make amends for your wrongs.

“No way! Apologize? Not on your life! Not until they apologize first!” 

Wait, you’re forgetting something. You’re disregarding what they have done. This is about cleaning up your side of the street. If their side of the street stays junky, that is their problem. You are working to make sure that as much as it depends on you, you are at peace with others. 

Don’t justify your wrongs. Don’t minimize your wrongs. Don’t explain away your wrongs. Apologize for your wrongs. This means explain that what you did was wrong. Explain why it was wrong. Explain how it harmed the relationship. Offer a sincere apology with an explanation that you are working to overcome whatever it was about you that led you to commit the wrong. 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep like, “I promise, I’ll never, ever do it again.” Instead, let the other person know that you are committed to overcoming the wrong, that you are working on overcoming it, and you don’t plan to do it again. 

Now, here is the key. Cap it all off with a request for forgiveness. This is absolutely important. If they forgive you, it goes a long way to helping you forgive yourself. Granted, keep in mind you are asking for forgiveness. All the theological debates beside, if you are asking for forgiveness, you are asking for something you don’t deserve and they are not obligated to give you. However, if you have made the amends and asked for the forgiveness, you can take comfort you have now done all you can do to be at peace. Even if they refuse forgiveness, you can know you have recognized your wrongs and made amends as best you can.

If they don’t forgive you, don’t think you have done all this in vain. Taking these steps has helped you clear out a lot of your own mental, emotional, and spiritual junk. Even if the other person doesn’t let you have a relationship with them, you know you have cleaned up your side of the street and you can have serenity about it. Especially don’t revert back to old behavior. If you do, you are simply reinforcing to them why they shouldn’t have forgiven you. They were certain it was just a manipulation ploy, now they know they were right.

4. Pursue actions of love.

Now that you have cleaned up your side of the street, keep it clean by pursuing actions of love. I don’t want to say too much here because I am going to delve into this more in next Tuesday’s post. However, pursuing actions of love means doing those things you would do if you actually loved them. This is not holding out until they grant you forgiveness. This is not holding out until they start pursuing actions of love toward you. This means serving them because you love them, not because you are repaying them or because you owe them or because you are manipulating them.  This means bestowing compassion when they continue to harm you. This means being patient when they don’t behave exactly right. This means treating them the way you want to be treated, even when they mess up (as they most certainly will).

By the way, since this is all about cleaning up your side of the street and not about trying to get others to clean up theirs, if they don’t forgive you and they continue to mistreat you, you must continue to pursue the actions of love. Remember that two wrong don’t make a right. Their wrong is between them and God. Your job is to clean up your side of the street so your connection to God can be improved.

Understand, none of this is about getting what you want out of the relationship. None of this is about fixing the other person in the relationship. I do believe if you pursue these four steps the general response will be a great improvement in all your relationships. However, other people are involved. There is no accounting for those who refuse to pursue healthy relationships. When you have followed these four steps you may improve the relationship or you may not. What I guarantee you is as you pursue this course with more and more people in your life, your peace in your relationships will increase. You will grow. You will be a better person in all your relationships. You will face life more positively.

Start today. Pick a relationship and start cleaning up your side of the street. I suggest you start with your spouse.

Happy Birthday, Marita!

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Thirty-six years ago today, one of the most special people in the world to me was born. At the time, I had no idea she existed. Of course, at the time, I was not even here. For 20 years, we were oblivious to each other’s existence. She lived in Birmingham at a time when My Dad and I were repeatedly traveling through the city. We may have ridden in cars side by side down the interstate and not even known it.

We met at The University of North Alabama in Florence while eating lunch or dinner (I can’t remember which) at Harold and Annelle Comer’s home. She was beautiful and I was smitten. However, she was still pretty much oblivious to my existence. So, I became a pest. Finally, I got up the nerve to ask her out. She was doing her nails or something like that and couldn’t make it. I was not to be so easily put off. Finally, we went out on a date. Then another. Then another.

I regret to say we were one of those couples who couldn’t decide if we were actually going to keep going out or not. She broke up with me a couple of times, but I kept pulling her back in. Finally, we hit a point where it all just clicked. 

I regret that I was a loser when it came to proposing. I heard a friend talk about renting a limo and taking his girlfriend out on a great date when he proposed. I wish that could be my story. Instead, I was working on all kinds of plans to make my proposal a wonderful Valentine’s present back in 1995. However, I was carrying the ring in my pocket (big mistake) when we pulled into the Chinese buffet for lunch. There we were, parked in the back of this cheap Chinese buffet, parked next to the dumpster no less, the ring burning a hole in my pocket and I blurted out, “Do you want your Valentine’s present?” “Sure,” she said. Out came the ring and a mumbled proposal. I wish I had asked her dad’s permission first. But not only was I a bumbler, I wasn’t as respectful as I should be. Fortunately, he wasn’t too mad about it.

The hassle and wait for a big wedding was just too much. So, we had a small family affair on April 15, 1995. I had finally caught her. HAH! I wish I could say I’ve been a stellar husband for the last 14 years. The truth is, not so much. Because of my total lack of stellarness, we’ve had some rocky days. I’m sure she’s wondered over and over again how on earth she got stuck with me when she could have ended up with so many better guys. But what I appreciate most about her is she didn’t simply get stuck with me, she has stuck with me. Even when I’ve had to apologize for really big blunders, she’s always been there. Most of the time she even says she respects me–go figure.

Thanks to her, I have four wonderful, healthy children. She does most of the raising. She does a great job. She keeps us fed. She keeps us clothed. She keeps sheets on the bed. She keeps us comfortable in our home. She’s a melancholy, so she never thinks she does a great job at any of this and doesn’t believe me when I say it, but she is awesome at all of it.

Today is my springboard for the family day. Maybe this isn’t much of a springboard for you and your family, but I just couldn’t help but give a shout out to the biggest springboard in my family and in my life.

Marita, thank you for marrying me. Thank you for staying with me. I look forward to growing old with you.

 

If You Need a Real Springboard, Here It Is

For those looking for a real springboard for your marriage, here it is. Never let a blog post count as your birthday gift to your wife.

The #1 Key to Having Peace and Happiness in Your Marriage

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Photo by JoEllen Gilbert

I know my title seems too good to be true. You can’t possibly have a #1 key to make your marriage happy and peaceful. But there really is this kind of a powerful key. Before I share it with you, let me warn you, it’s not easy. I’m not sharing it with you because I’ve got it down. I just know it works.

Are you ready?

The #1 key to having peace and happiness in your marriage (and in any relationship for that matter) is replace your sense of entitlement with a sense of service.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! That’s too hard,” you cry.

Like I said, it’s not easy. But it will work. (Warning: I’m a guy. I have illustrations from the husband’s perspective. I don’t mean to leave wives out. For all of you women, just understand that for me to actually live by this principle, I have to think about this from my standpoint. So, even though my illustrations are from my perspective, you can transfer them to a woman’s perspective and get the same lesson).

The fact is, why do I get angry with my wife? Usually because I feel like she has done something to me that I didn’t deserve or she hasn’t done something I think I deserve. My sense of entitlement is ignited and I begin to resent her. Then I just get downright angry. We start to fight. Of course, she joins right in the fight because now her sense of entitlement kicks in.

What happens if I remove my sense of entitlement. What if I don’t come home with the feeling that I deserve to have supper on the table as I walk through the door? What if I don’t do the dishes with the mindset I should get a reward for it later? What if I don’t judge every word out of her mouth through my “you owe me respect” filter? Perhaps I won’t be provoked as often.

But let’s add the second half of this #1 key. What if I not only removed by sense of entitlement but also replaced it with a sense of service? What if I came home looking for opportunities to help my wife make supper? What if I did the dishes because I love my wife and family and not in order to have sex? What if spoke to my wife in a way that said I loved and served her? Do you think that might impact my marriage.

I’m a Christian, and, sadly, all too often I’ve heard other Christians throw Bible verses at their spouse: “The Bible says you’re supposed to love me!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to respect me!” “The Bible says you have to put out because your body is not your own!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to sacrifice for me like Christ did the church!” 

I’ll admit, the Bible says some things to our spouses. However, all those passages on marriage were not given to us to throw at our spouses. They were given to us so we could learn how we are supposed to act. I say we make a pact with ourselves and God. We will no longer attack our spouses with Bible verses that say what they are supposed to do. Instead, we will replace our sense of entitlement with a sense of service. We’ll look at ourselves and what the Bible asks of us. We won’t assume that because we are working extra hard to do what we are supposed to that it means our spouse now owes us a response in kind. That is just sneaking entitlement in the back door. We need to perform the actions of love because we love, not because we hope it will get us some reward. 

Please, don’t anyone ask Marita how well I do at this. This is a growth process. I’m not anywhere near perfect on it. I have some good days and I have some bad days. I am thankful, however, that I have finally identified this principle. Maybe it will take hold even deeper. Hold me to it.

Don’t Miss the Journey with Your Family

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When I was in elementary school, I read a story in one of my classes that has stuck with me ever since. I wish I could find the story again to give the actual author the proper credit. Instead, I’ll just have to recreate my own version of the story. I included it in my book Built by the Lord: Studies on the Family a couple of years ago in the chapter entitled “Enjoy the Journey.” I think the message is profound. I’ll present it here with out any comment from me.

A Magic Fish

A recently married young farmer, taking a well-earned day of rest, was out fishing. He had caught about all he wanted, but cast his line out just one last time. He felt the tug and brought in his biggest catch of the day. As he was about to toss the fish into his bucket (you’ll never believe this), it began to speak.

“Please, don’t throw me in that pile of fish. I am actually a fairy princess trapped in the body of this fish by an evil sorceress. If you let me live and cast me back into the water, I can give you a wonderful gift. Life can be miserable sometimes, but I can grant you the gift to skip those miserable parts. All you will have to do is wish yourself into the future and immediately you will be taken to a future point of life.”

The farmer thought this was amazing. He decided to chance it and tossed the fish back in the water. When the fish resurfaced, she said, “I have given you a tremendous gift. Use it wisely and remember you can only move forward; you can never move back into the past. Your body will age, but your mind will only grow the amount of time you actually experience.”

Then she sank beneath the surface and was gone. Two days later, the farmer began plowing his fields. He was hot and miserable and he decided to see if the gift really worked. He wished he could skip to the end of the day, going straight to dinner with his wife. No sooner had he made the wish than he was sitting in his house at the dinner table. It was as if his body had kept on doing the work and living his life but his mind and soul had just skipped the day.

After a few more days of work, he decided he had had enough of this and wished he could skip to the end of the harvest. Immediately he found himself at the end of the harvest, ready to sell his crops at the market. “This is not so bad,” he thought. “I wonder why that fish said I had to be so careful.”

A couple of years went by and his wife became pregnant. He was so excited. He couldn’t wait for another seven months to go by to see his first child. He wished to skip ahead to the day after the birth. The next instant he heard a baby crying in the other room and his wife asking for help.

After a couple of sleepless nights, he wished he could skip ahead to when the child was sleeping all night and potty trained. After having a few more kids, the man just could not believe how stressful it was to raise children. He finally decided just to skip the whole thing. He wished himself to a time when all the children were out of the house.

Though his mind was only a few years older than when he first received the gift, his body had aged quite a bit. He was tired, his body ached most of the time and he just didn’t want to work anymore. He wished to skip ahead to when he was old enough to let his kids take care of him.

 Suddenly, there he was with his wife and his grown children. He began to listen to their conversation. They were laughing and sometimes crying. The kids were discussing their childhood memories. The farmer’s wife was chiming in. However, whenever they turned to the farmer, he only smiled. He couldn’t say anything because he did not remember any of it. He had wished it all away. His body was old and could hardly enjoy his present life, but he could not even take joy in happy memories. He had none.

He left the house and walked purposefully to the lake where he had caught the magic fish, crying all the way. Was the fish still alive? Perhaps someone else had caught the fish and not been so generous? It had been many years, how long could a fish, even a magic one, actually live? Even if it was alive, could he find it? If he could find it, would it do anything? After all, it had warned him.

He walked to the bank and waded in a few feet and began to cry out as loud as he could, “Magic fish! It’s me the farmer who set you free so many years ago. I have been very foolish and made a terrible mistake. Please, come help me!” He repeated his plea several times, but nothing happened. Finally, he just plopped down in the water, his face in his hands, sobbing. He had missed his life and there was nothing to be done about it.

A moment later the water broke and the fish appeared.

“Hello, farmer,” the fish said. “I have already given you one great gift, why should I grant you another?”

“O fairy princess, you warned me not to use your gift unwisely. But I have. I have been foolish beyond belief. My mind is young, but my body is old. I have no fond memories of my life because I wished them all away. Please, take me back to the day I caught you and let me live my life.”

“But I told you, you can only go forward, you can never go back. Sending you back to the day you caught me will end the gift I gave you. You will have to endure every trial, every tribulation, every misery and never be able to miss any of it.”

“I don’t care. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every minute of every day. I want to see how my wife and I grow closer together. I want to see my children learn to walk and run and live. I want to experience every accomplishment. The tough times will be worth it if only to experience the joy of the good times. I have made it to the end of my life and I have accomplished so much, but I cannot enjoy any of it because I skipped it all.”

The fish disappeared beneath the surface of the water and the man cried out, “No, come back.” He sat their consumed in his grief and bowed his head into his hands once again. But then something odd happened. Suddenly, he was no longer sitting in the water. He was dry and sitting in his old boat. His skin was no longer wrinkled and his body no longer ached. He looked up and the fish resurfaced and said, “This was really my gift to you. The ability to skip the miseries of life is really no gift at all. The ability to enjoy the journey is the greatest I can give you. You have set me free, I thank you.” The fish disappeared.

The man eagerly paddled his boat to shore. Tied it to a tree and ran to his house. There he found his young wife. He rushed to her, picked her up and kissed her. She never learned what happened to her husband. But she did learn she had married a man who was able to live with the bad days because he knew how to enjoy the journey.

Going All the Way

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I had an awesome and awful weekend all rolled into one. Had an awesome weekend studying prayer with some brethren in Chillicothe. But I got really, really sick and that was awful. I don’t think I have been that sick since I was in college. Because of the sickness, I didn’t get to travel home until yesterday and so we missed this week’s Springboard for Your Spiritual Life. We’ll get that back next week. 

I don’t know if what I want to share today is much of a Springboard or if it is just something to share. But I want to share it.

I learned a great lesson this week. Mark and Sharon Hatfield were great hosts to the sick and afflicted. At about 3:30 on Saturday morning, I had to wake Mark up and get some help. After several bouts in the bathroom with my sickness, I was getting weak and feared being dehydrated. I couldn’t find the bottled water or any Gatorade. So I woke him up.

For about 4 hours, I had been sick all alone. I’m not sure I have ever missed my wife as much as I did in those hours. Of course, it’s not like she has miraculous powers to heal. But usually when I’m sick, she’s there. She says comforting things. She sympathizes. She puts a cold rag on my neck. She puts up with my whining and moaning as if I’m on death’s door.

For about 4 hours, no one was there but me and the toilet.

What’s the point in all this? 

I was once again impressed with the reality of the greatness of marriage and love. I remember when I was a teenager and looking forward to marriage. Sadly, my big thought was “I’ll finally get to go ‘all the way.'” For some reason, even Christians, especially as young people, seem to have the idea that marriage is mostly about sex. The fact is, going all the way in a relationship isn’t about sex. If that is your idea of going all the way, you haven’t even gone halfway. In fact, you probably haven’t even scratched the surface of what God really has planned for great relationships. Going all the way in a relationship is about being there through thick and thin. When the wallet is empty and month is left, going all the way is helping each other through. When family members are dying and our emotional well is run dry, going all the way is about being a shoulder to lean on and cry on. Going all the way means loving someone so much when they’re sick you’re right there beside them no matter how gross or painful it is.

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be thankful for my wife because she is there when I’m puking my guts out. However, I guarantee, I’ll never take that for granted again. 

So, don’t think a great relationship is based on looks. Let’s face it, how many Hollywood marriages between hunks and hotties fail every day. A great relationship is not one made up of steamy sex between hot bodies. A great relationship is one where a husband and wife will be there to serve and support even when the other is in its most unattractive position like running at both ends while acting like a big baby.

I grew to love my wife more this weekend and I just want to say a big thank you to her. I found out this weekend what she really does provide for me even when I’m not really thinking about it.

I hope you can say the same about your spouse.