God's Way Works

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Marriage

Let’s Get Practical about Cherishing Our Wives

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I’m reading Jim Burns’ book, Creating an Intimate Marriage. (Yes, that is an affiliate link. Go ahead and click on it. While working on your marriage, you’ll be helping mine.) I’d like to share a paragraph from chapter 5, “Becoming a Better Communicator with Your Spouse.”

It took me a very long time in my marriage to understand that Cathy didn’t need me to fix her problems. All she wanted was for me to care. My natural tendency is to be a fix-it person. I would get fully engaged with whatever her problem was and immediately start looking for the cure. What Cathy would rather have had was a sympathetic hug and a sense that I understood and cared about her. After I became comfortable in not always trying to be her fix-it man, I realized it was much easier on our relationship to simply let her know I value her feelings.

I’m sure, husbands, this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this. It wasn’t for me either. But even though I’ve heard this over and over and over again, I keep missing it. Somehow, I think it is my job to fix her or her problems. I want to be her knight in shining armor who rides in to sweep her away from all that troubles her, destroying her would-be attackers with my cleverness. But my job is not to fix her. That is God’s job. My job is nourish and cherish her (Ephesians 5:28-29).

When my wife is stressed about about something, even if it causes her to blow up at me, what is my job? Is my job to point out all the things she did wrong that caused this? That may be my natural reaction, but that is not my job. My job is to let her know that she is really doing a great job as a wife and mother, to let her know that what she feels is valid and acceptable, and to let her know that I love her anyway. I can do that through my words or my actions or, preferably, both.

When I come home and she’s had a bad day with the kids (imagine that, having a tough day because you’re dealing with a 13-year-old, a 10-year-old, an 8-year-old, and a 2-year-old) and she starts unloading her frustrations, my natural reaction is to get defensive and start unloading back or to try to calmly explain what she did wrong all day to cause all this frustration. Guess what I’ve learned. Neither of those options ever work. First, it doesn’t relieve her frustration. Second, it doesn’t bring us closer. Third, it usually ruins the whole evening. Fourth, even on the rare occassion when I’m right about why she is frustrated, it doesn’t help her at all. Yet, over and over again, that is the way I respond. Has anyone read that definition about insanity lately?

So, here’s what I’m going to start trying to do. Hold me accountable on this one fellows (and ladies). When that happens, I want to give my wife a big hug. I want to let her cry on my shoulder if that is what she’s feeling. I want to let her know that I can tell things have been tough for her and I’m sorry about that. I want to let her know that I love her and I really do think she is a great wife and mother (I do think that). I want to see if I can take something off of her plate so the rest of her day can be easier. And I’m going to do all of that without expecting anything* in return.

What do you think? Do you think that might have a better impact on our marriage? I’m guessing it will. The fact is, my wife is pretty smart. She doesn’t generally need me to fix her problems. She can usually come up with pretty good solutions on her own. She just needs someone to let her know that having a bad day doesn’t mean she’s a bad wife and mother. It means she’s pretty normal and I love her anyway.

Alright guys, who will take on this challenge with me? Let’s quit trying to fix our wives and start turn our great ability to fix things on to fixing how we treat our wives even when they don’t act exactly the way we want.

Have a great day and remember God’s way really does work for your family.

ELC

*When I say anything, I really mean sex.

The Challenge to Love and Serve Your Wife

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*Warning: Affiliate links abound in this post. Click one. I dare you.

Alright guys, the challenge has been laid down. The guantlet is thrown. Who will rise up to meet the challenge.

Melanie Chitwood had blown me away with her book, What a Wife Needs from Her Husband. She shared what Gary Chapman said in his reflection found in The Transformation of a Man’s Heart. I have to share it with you here.

“My goal through all these years has been to serve my wife so well that when I’m gone, she won’t find another man who’ll treat her the way I’ve treated her. The woman is going to miss me!”

There it is guys.

Who among you is man enough to take this on with your wife? I haven’t done such a great job on this with my wife. But I’m going to start right now. Who will join me?

For futher reading:

I guess I also need to get:

I Have to Bear Their Burdens; No I Don’t (Galatians 6:2, 5)

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CodependenceI find it easy to obsess about other people, especially my family members. When I say I obsess, I mean it is easy to obsess over their mistakes, their problems, their struggles. It is even easy for me to obsess over their potential mistakes. I want to figure out how I can behave to keep them from making mistakes or to keep them from enduring major consequences of their mistakes. I get enmeshed offering unsolicited advice, working behind the scenes to get others to act in a way that produces the results I think are best, trying to control whatever I think I can to make things in their life go the way I want them to, measuring every word carefully to manipulate them to do what I think is best. 

 

Please understand, this is not about me getting what I want. I can assure you. I really think I have their best interests at heart. I want what is best for them. Of course, oddly enough, usually what is best for them is pretty good for me too. That is probably a different discussion. I simply want you to understand that this is all out of love. I love my kids and my wife. I don’t want them to suffer because of mistakes. Sometimes, I convince myself that if I were to behave just right, I can keep them from ever making any and, therefore, they’ll never have to suffer any pain.

 

This can especially happen with my spouse or my children.  No matter how much stress it adds to my life, I take great pains to try to control and manipulate circumstances, other people, and them to accomplish what I think is best for them. (Oddly enough, I’ve noticed that this mindset actually makes it very easy for others to manipulate me as well, as they play into my desire to have everything be a certain way.) I have a verse that tells me to do that. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2). It’s my job to bear their burdens. They make mistakes and I have to be involved. Or, I tell myself, if I’m not involved they’ll make mistakes. I have to keep them from that. Oh yes, it’s a burden for me. But God says I have to do it. Aren’t I such a wonderfully spiritual person, willing to bear all these burdens that everyone else in my family has?

 

But wait, what about Galatians 6:5? “For each will have to bear his own load.” What about that verse? What is going on here. Paul says we should bear the loads of others, but then says we each must bear our own. How can he say both? 

 

I’m not a great language scholar. I’ve read the attempts of some to explain how these two verses are talking about different things, two different kinds of burdens because the words translated “burden” and “load” are different. Perhaps they are, but even after reading the different definitions and the explanations, I have trouble seeing that difference. Instead, I think this is one of those paradoxes that Paul likes to use. He tells us two things that seem to be completely opposite and yet both are true. Believing both and using them to guide us helps us understand how we should live.

 

When my kids or spouse are struggling under a load, should I be there to help them lift it? Sure. But is it my load? No, it isn’t. Sadly, I like to live in extremes. I either want to ignore everyone completely and tell them to go worry about everything themselves, I have no responsibility here, it’s not my burden (I like to minimize this by calling it tough love). Or, I’ll live as if their problem is mine and I absolutely have to fix it or the world and our relationship will collapse, not to mention everyone else will look down on me because someone connected to me is less than perfect (this is what we call enmeshment and codependence). Instead of living in these extremes with my family (or anyone else for that matter), I need to learn to live with Paul’s two concepts in my head, heart, and hands. Should I be a servant to others? Absolutely. Should I let myself be crushed under the weight of everyone else’s burdens? Absolutely not.

 

When my daughter has trouble with her friends, should I come alongside as a loving parent, guiding her in how to properly relate to friends? Should I listen as she bears her soul and expresses her feelings? Of course I should do these things. However, should I make her problems mine, living in fear that her friends’ parents aren’t going to like me because she’s having trouble with her friends? Should I go behind the scenes to talk to her friends myself and try to fix the relationship? Should I call up her friends’ parents and try to get them to fix their daughters so my daughter can have a good relationship? Not likely. That’s her relationship, not mine. That’s her burden, not mine. (Yes, I understand in dealing with young children like mine there is a place for parents to get together, but it should be to help the children learn how to work things out, not to fix the kids and definitely not to fix someone else’s kids.) You know, to be honest, I have enough burdens of my own to be heaping the guilt and shame of everyone else’s burdens on there too.

 

I could give example after example of this. What I learn is that I should be there to help lift up my family when they have burdens. But their burdens are not mine. I don’t have to live like they are. I don’t have to live in fear that I’m bad because they have burdens. I don’t have to bear the guilt of their mistakes. I don’t have to rush around trying to cover up their mistakes or remove the consequences of them. I don’t have to be the image consultant to make sure they look good, so I’ll continue to look good. I don’t have to beat myself up trying to be perfect so they’ll be perfect to because of me. I’ll be there to help where I can help, but those are their burdens and we each have to carry our own load.

Have You Told Your Wife You Love Her? (A video)

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It’s not enough to love someone. You have to tell them. Have you told your wife/husband/children/parents you love them today?

Keep in mind that if you’re going to tell them you love them, make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you use a language they can understand. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Gary Chapman’s book (yes, it’s coming, wait for it…wait for it…BAM an associate link) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.

The Top Two Hindrances to Making Marriage Work

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Today, we have a special treat. Mark Broyles, gospel preacher and president of InLight, Inc., has graced us with a great heads up on making our marriages work. Mark will be hosting two marriage retreats in 2010, one in Chattanooga, Tennessee, the other in Howey-in-the-Hills, Florida (apparently, that’s a real place). Make sure you check out the website for his retreats. By the way, these aren’t associate links. I’m not getting a penny out of this. I just want you to know about it, because, as you can see from the article, you can get some real help for your marriage from this guy.

Thanks for the guest post, Mark.

Enjoy the article everyone.

The Top Two Hindrances to Making Marriage Work

How do you make a marriage work?  Maybe a better question would be – how do you work to make a marriage?  As with any worthwhile endeavor work is the factor that is most vital to success.  However, in marriage we often expect success with very little effort.  In Ephesians 5, Paul instructs husbands to love their wives and wives to submit to and respect their husbands—instructions based on the God given needs of both. Easy words but frequently complicated concepts and applications. Two problems seem to be most prevalent in causing these needs to remain unmet and therefore preventing the marriage from thriving the way God intended.

 First, we are ignorant.  It sounds harsh but it is true. Have you ever found yourself either thinking or saying, “I never realized you felt that way” or “I didn’t know it meant that much to you”?  Ignorance of my spouse’s real needs will almost certainly mean they will largely go unmet. We understand that we are to love our wives and to respect our husbands but how exactly do we do that? Not only are their needs different but also the method of fulfilling those needs.  I know what I like, want, and need for fulfillment.  That knowledge comes to me naturally with no real effort required, but the needs of my spouse are not nearly so easy to understand.  Ignorance may not be easy to admit but it is easily corrected.  Whatever I am ignorant about only requires that I put forth effort to study and learn.  Marriage is no different.  In the seminars we have presented on marriage the last ten years one of the most evident truths is the lack of real effort of husbands and wives to use the resources available to better understand their spouse.  There are some wonderful resources based on God’s principles to help us understand our spouse’s perspective.  Read, attend classes, and ask your spouse! How much effort are you putting forth to really understand your husband or wife?

Second, we are selfish.  Once we know what our spouse truly needs we must be willing to devote ourselves to fulfilling that need.  Selfishness is the problem of all mankind including husbands and wives.  Jesus taught often, even those who were closest to Him, that we must serve others rather than seeking to be served ourselves (John 13). That is never easy.  I like me. I like to be comfortable, satisfied, and fulfilled.  When I am tired, uncomfortable, aggravated, over stressed, or underappreciated it becomes even more difficult to focus on my spouse.  When our thoughts are focused on what our spouse needs to do to fulfill our needs then we have departed from the mindset of Christ.  The commands in Ephesians 5 are independent of one another.  Each of us has the same role in marriage. That role is to glorify God by devoting ourselves to fulfilling our spouse’s needs.  Where would we be if Christ was only as focused on serving us as we are on serving our spouse?  How hard will you work to forget self to fulfill your spouse?

The key to a happy healthy relationship in marriage is to learn each other’s unique needs and strive to meet them to the fullest of your potential.  

(P.S. Don’t forget to check out the website for InLight’s marriage retreats.)

Don’t Miss These Marriage Retreats from InLight, Inc.

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In today’s Springboard for Your Family, I’m really excited to tell you about an upcoming marriage retreats presented by InLight, Inc. InLight, Inc. is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping folks have better marriages by offering a series of retreats. They started up in Lake of the Ozarks back in 2000, but with so much success have branched out into other locations.

InLight, Inc. presently has one retreat with remaining openings in 2009. It is in Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri on October 16-18, 2009. Yes, that says 2009. It is only a matter of weeks away. However, I just got off the phone with Mark Broyles, President of InLight, Inc. and he says there are still about 5 openings. Don’t miss out and don’t wait until 2010. Get in there right now. Not to mention, this is the cheapest of their retreats. Check it out right away.

They have two retreats scheduled in 2010. One is in Chattanooga, TN on March 12-14, 2010. The other is in Howey-in-the-Hills, FL on July 30-August 1, 2010.

The retreat is entitled “Fireproof Your Marriage.” They have purchased the rights to show the movie publicly. The entire retreat will get to watch the movie and then the classes will all focus on aspects of the movie that can really help married couples. 

Classes include “Differences Between Men and Women,” “Forgiveness,” “Showing God’s Love to Your Spouse,” and “The Covenant Nature of Marriage.” At each retreat there is time given to allow the couples to spend time on their own, getting to know each other better, discussing the workshops, or just spending time together seeing the sights in the nearby area. 

Trust me, you want to be part of this retreat. I just found out about these new retreats this weekend. Marita and I are working to see if our schedules can be arranged to join. You won’t want to miss this great weekend of marriage improvement either. Whether your marriage is in trouble or whether you are just trying to provide some more protection from the fires Satan is going to throw your way, these retreats will be great for your marriage.

I hope to give you some insight into these retreats over the next few weeks by providing some guest posts by the men and women who are integral in putting on this retreat. But don’t wait for those posts. Head over to InLight’s website and get your registration form right now. Don’t miss out because you didn’t sign up quickly enough.