God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

Edwin Crozier

Don’t Seek Your Own Way-Love Yourself

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(If you’ve stumbled across thist post, let me explain where you are. You have landed smack in the middle of one of my favorite series ever. We started some time ago by learning that God expects us to love ourselves. Now, we’re going through the definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-7 to help us understand how we can love ourselves in a healthy way so can love others better. Go back to that first post to read the series from the beginning and to find an index of all the posts available. Enjoy today’s post as well.)

Don’t Seek Your Own Way

Once again, we learn that loving ourselves biblically is not about being caught up in self-will and selfishness. In fact, loving ourselves means not getting caught up in seeking our own will. But how can that be? Surely if we loved ourselves, that would mean we only did what we wanted to do.

Nope. It doesn’t work that way.

You see, when we love ourselves we are willing to admit the truth about ourselves. The truth is when we’ve pursued our own path, we’ve messed up. We’ve sinned. Like Paul in Romans 7:14-24, we recognize that we have become enslaved to sin. We learn that if we simply do what comes naturally to us, it is going to leave us in desparation. It will end with the cry “wretched man that I am.” That is our only hope.

Proverbs 14:12 and 16:25 both say there is a way that seems right to us but it ends in death. If I love myself, I don’t want to give myself death. Therefore, I’m willing to hand the reins over to someone else. Instead of insisting on my own way, I seek the way of God. After all, His way works.

There is only one way that leads to life and that is through Jesus Christ (Matthew 7:13-14). If I love myself, I will love life. If I love life, I will love Jesus’ way, because it is the only way that goes there.

When I love Jesus and His way, that means I will love to serve others, seeking their good and their benefit. As Philippians 2:3-4 says, I will do nothing from rivarly or conceit. Rather, in humility I will see others as more significant, their needs as more necessary. I will serve them and submit to them. This doesn’t deny everything I’ve learned about loving myself. This doesn’t deny that I must take care of myself and be kind to myself. But it keeps in mind the important reason for which I need to care for me. I need to care for me so I can continue on to help others in a healthy way.

Loving myself is much too complex to simply be doing whatever I want and seeking my own. That is shallow. It may seem like love to the twisted and selfish. But it really isn’t. The person who truly loves themselves in a healthy and godly way will quickly recognize how shallow and dangerous it is to simply seek his own. He will branch out and learn to sacrifice and serve in healthy ways. And by that he will not only be loving others, but he will be doing so based on a healthy and godly love for himself.

Don’t seek your own today; instead, love yourself.

(Make sure to come back next Monday as we learn that we don’t have to be irritable with ourselves.)

The Jerusalem Church (Part 8): The Vision–A Family, Not Corporation

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(If you landed on this post without seeing the others in this series, let me explain what is going on here. Thursdays is my day to talk about God’s way for our congregations. Right now I’m in the middle of a series on the Jerusalem church and it’s success. This is the eighth post in the series. I encourage you to check out the introduction to this series to know more about what is going on and to find an index of the posts in this series as they are put up. Enjoy.)

Close-knit Family, not a Corporation

As we learn about the Jerusalem church, we will discover that they understood the principles of delegation and division of labor. As we start talking about that, many people will miss the point. We may use catch phrases that are common in the business world because there are many parallels. We may talk about mission statements, goals, plans, budgets. Even this series is talking about having a vision for the congregation. But Jesus didn’t die to establish a corporation. Jesus died to establish a community. He died to establish a close-knit family.

Consider Acts 2:42-47. Here were people that had all things in commong. They were selling their possessions and giving to each other. They were assembling in the temple every day and they were meeting in smaller groups from house to house every day. They praised God together. They ate together. They cared for each other.

Consider Acts 4:32-37. The brethren were of one heart and one soul. They were united in their care and concern for each other. They did not have a needy person among them because they took care of each other. Some even went to the extreme of selling land and houses and giving the proceeds to the needy among them.

Does this sound like a cold corporation? No. This wasn’t about ledger sheets, budgets, programs, plans, and bottom lines. This was about community and family. The Christians were finding a family as they met from house to house with each other. They were finding a family as they assembled with the entire congregation. They were finding the kind of support we ought to have in our families. But they were finding it sometimes from strangers who only knew that they were family in Christ.

It is amazing that this can be said of 3000 people who quickly became 5000 and potentially 10,000.

If we want to be what the Jerusalem church was, we will remove any visions of corporation and replace them with a vision of community and close-knit family. That is the great blessing God would have for us in His church.

(Make sure you come back next week as we learn that the Jerusalem vision is not Communism but sacrificing for the good of the congregation.)

Don’t Just Say “I’m Sorry;” Take Responsibility

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Let’s face it, we are people in our families. That means we mess up. We make mistakes. We sin against each other. We do wrong. When that is the case, what should we do next?

Apologize.

But let me encourage you to do more than simply say I’m sorry. It is so easy to say, “I’m sorry,” and not consider what we mean. For what are we sorry? Are we sorry we got caught? Are we sorry they didn’t like what we did? Are we sorry if it upset them? Are we sorry they are mad at us?

Instead of justing saying, “I’m sorry,” take personal responsibility. Consider some other things you can say that really drive home what you ought to be meaning:

  1. “What I did was wrong.”
  2. “I had no right to do what I did.”
  3. “There is no justification for the way I acted.”
  4. “I shouldn’t have done that, I won’t do that again.”

You get the idea that this is more than just rolling off a trite phrase. This is about recognizing we did something wrong no matter how the person we are apologizing to has acted.

Further, if we have done wrong, we have driven a wedge in the relationship and it needs to be reconciled. But that can only happen if the person you wronged is willing to offer you mercy. Therefore, don’t just say, “I’m sorry.” Ask them to reconcile the relationship. “Will you forgive me?”

But remember two things about this. First, when you are asking for forgiveness you are saying you sinned. You didn’t just make a mistake. You didn’t just flub up. You sinned. Therefore, asking for forgiveness must not become another trite phrase to just try to cover up what you did. Second, you are asking for mercy. You can’t ask for forgiveness and then demand it be done. If the person owed it to you, then it wouldn’t be mercy.

“Oh, but Edwin,” someone cries, “God commands that they forgive me.” It is true that God’s children are called to forgive. But that is something they owe God. It is not something they owe you. You are not the one to get to make that demand on them. They don’t owe you anything.

Is there anything in any of your family relationships that has driven a wedge between you? Why not step up to the plate, take your personal responsibility, apologize for your wrong, and seek forgiveness. Don’t get distracted by what they did to you, clean up your side of the street.

Give Your Family Unconditional Love

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I’m glad I’m reading The Secret of Staying in Love* by John Powell. These are lessons I need to grasp. Even though he doesn’t reference Bible verses, I believe his point is biblical. This is an excerpt from his chapter “Human Needs and the Experience of Love” about unconditional love. This is the kind of love we need to develop for spouses, children, and parents.

thesis three: effective love is unconditional

Love may be given either conditionally or unconditionally. There is no other possibility. Either I attach conditions to my love or I do not. I would like to say at this point that only unconditional love can effect change in the life of the person to whom that love is offered.

In his work, Conceptions of Modern Psychiatry, from which we took our working definition of love, Dr. Sullivan talks of the “quiet miracle of developing the capacity of love.” He describes being loved as the source of this miracle. The first impulse to change, he says, comes not so much from being challenged as from being loved. Only in an atmosphere of unconditionally offered love will the human barriers to relationships be lowered.

There is a story of a housewife who related that her husband’s love seemed to be conditioned on her keeping the house tidy and in order at all times. She maintained that she needed to know that he loved her whether the house was cleaned up or not, in order to have the strength to keep the house clean. If you understand and agree with what she is saying, you understand the point being made here. The only kind of love that helps us change and grow is unconditional.

Conditional love always degenerates into pan-scale love. Both parties are expected, in pan-scale love, to put a donation into the proper pan so that a perfect balance is achieved. But sooner or later some tension, some pain, some struggle will distract one of the pan-scale lovers, and he will not make his monthly payment on time. So conditional lover #2, refusing to be swindled, removes part of his contribution in order to be sure that more isn’t going out than coming in–until nothing is left but emotional or legal divorce.

There is another question, and it is not so simple. Can we expect one party in a love relationship to continue making an unconditional contribution and commitment of love without a sustaining response from the other? Theoretically, I believe that if a person could continue offering an unconditional love, the other would in time respond. But perhaps it would be too late. If the person trying to offer unconditional love is given nothing in response, to nourish his own capacity and renew his strength for love, the relationship may be brought to an inevitable failure.

In practice I think this possibility is claimed far more than it actually occurs. People renege on their love commitments, run off to divorce courts, and take to falling in love all over again (with somebody else), without ever challenging their personal resources, developing their ingenuity, or testing their coping mechanism. It has been said that love works if we will work at it. I think that this is true, and I think that fidelity will always be the measure and test of human love.

Footnote: “Unconditional love” should be interpreted as an ideal, a goal towards which true love aspires, but which is realistically not within human reach or attainment. We are all to some extent injured, limited by the throb of our own needs and pains. Only a totally unscarred and free person could consistently give unconditional love. Such a person, of course, does not exist.

*Yes, that was an affiliate link. By now, you probably assumed that. Here is another one to make it easier for you to buy a copy of Powell’s book.

The Rug: A Video Demonstration of Life

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I ran across this video the other day and thought I would share. There is only one way to keep the rug from being pulled out from under you. I know this should probably be a Monday post, but I didn’t want to wait until then.

Can you guess what it is?

I Don’t Need to Guard Anyone’s Humility

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Have you ever read or heard something that was so subtly profound that it was almost as if you heard an audible click somewhere in your mind as a puzzle piece locked into place. Perhaps it makes something fit about life, about a relationship, or maybe just about yourself and something you’ve been struggling with.

This happened to me yesterday. I’m reading John Powell’s The Secret of Staying in Love* and absolutely loving it (I think he is becoming my new favorite author). While discussing how people can sometimes have a negative reaction to hearing someone else complimented he asked a question about himself:

“Why have I become such a jealous guardian of his humility?”

Someone is rejoicing over a victory, but I don’t want to rejoice with them because I’d hate for it to go to his head. In fact, I want to kick him when he is down because I want to make sure how much work he still has to do. He/she needs to know just how pitiful they are and I’d hate to think they were something more than what they are. I have to make sure that they hear from me exactly what I think they are capable or incapable of. Again, when did I become such a jealous guardian of their humility? When did that become my job?

Do I do this with my wife and kids? Do I see myself as the jealous guardian of the humility of my family? Do I see myself as the lone voice of wisdom that God has placed on this earth and in this family to make sure everyone knows their place? And of course, their place is somewhere subservient to me.

Oh, I’m not suggesting that I should never offer any critical advice. I’m simply suggesting I need to check my motives. Why am I so intent on making sure someone else’s head doesn’t get too big? When did that become my job? Isn’t my job as a husband to love and cherish my wife? Isn’t it to edify her and lift her up? Isn’t it to help her see what is best about her and what is glorious? Isn’t my job as a father to bring my children up to maturity, not keep them down? Isn’t my job to help them discover what their inate gifts and abilities are, providing them the encouragement and resources to pursue those things?

If my family is like me, there will be plenty of scenarios in life to help them stay humble. In fact, I’m pretty sure if humility is the thing they need to help them glorify and serve God, God is pretty good at allowing thorns in the flesh to make sure that happens.

And so again, I have to ask why I have become such a jealous guardian of their humility? Maybe the issue isn’t with my family. Maybe it is with me. Maybe I need to spend some time looking at what is going on in me to find out why their victories, rejoicing, successes, compliments cause me such inner turmoil. Perhaps I need to spend some time getting humble before God and figuring out what fears and insecurities are crippling my relationships with others.

I need to quit being the jealous guardian of others’ humility and instead be the victorious champion of their joy and well-being.

Remember, Gods’ way works for our families.

PS. I want to share a victory. I played The Settlers of Catan* with some friends. On my next turn, I was going to win the game. The friend who played just before me won and won because I wasn’t paying attention and let a trade happen that gave her the game. In time past, I would have been livid. I would have been livid at me for being so stupid as to make the mistake and definitely livid at her for taking the game from me. Instead, I was just happy to have gotten to play the game with some new friends. That may seem small to you, but you can ask my family, that is huge. It was a little sign in my book that says God really is working on me. It was a sign that reminded me God’s way really does work. Have a great week and play some games with your family.

* Yes, these were affiliate links. Trust me, you want to click on them and buy something. John Powell’s books are easy reads and truly profound and there just isn’t a game that is much more fun than Settlers of Catan. Here, I’ll give you another opportunity.