***WARNING: This is the third of three posts on this topic and I will repeat my warning. This post will be specific, factual, and even explicit. However, I will try not to be gratuitous or graphic. But if you normally let your kids read these posts, you may want to read it first. If you’re good with that, then click the “Continue Reading” link below.
A Final 5 Lies Pornography Tells Men
11. You only did it right if your wife squirmed, screamed, or squealed.
Pornography is visual entertainment. It is about fast movement, quick cutting shots, and emotion. Since sex is to be pleasurable, it is supposed to be body-wracking. The famous scene from “When Harry Met Sally” demonstrates that is what most people think is a real orgasm. But there are two issues to understand. First, while for men successful sex is about reaching orgasm, that is not always the case for women. Their greater goal is intimacy (though I have no doubt orgasm is enjoyable, but that isn’t always the great goal for women as it is for men). Second, no one experiences or expresses pleasure in the same way. Let your wife express hers in whatever way she wants. You aren’t doing it right because your wife behaves the way an actress does. You are doing it right when you have communicated with your wife and shared with each other what you both find most enjoyable, pleasurable, and meaningful.
12. You don’t have to talk to have sex right, just do what happens naturally.
Pornography is not known for its great dialogue. Everyone just seems to know what they are doing. They know when to move where and how. Everyone looks like they are having a great time, so they must be. But once again, these are actors. And please, don’t be fooled by the amateurs. They’ve seen enough pornography themselves that they know the script by heart even if an actual one hasn’t been written. Sadly, too many guys think that great sex just happens naturally if you are any good. That just isn’t true. Great sex takes communication. Great sex takes patience and time to get to learn one another. Great sex doesn’t happen on your honeymoon, at least not if you’ve waited until your honeymoon to have sex. Each person will have their own likes, dislikes, comfort zones, pleasures. Each person has their own sexual baggage and liberties. Like it or not, if you’re just doing what happens naturally, you’re probably doing it wrong. Instead, you need to be patient and you need to talk. Communicate openly about not only what feels good physically, but what is comfortable emotionally and spiritually. You may coerce your wife into some exciting new trick, and it may even feel physically good for her, but if it makes her feel emotionally and spiritually uncomfortable, you’re trading off a great, meaningful relationship for a few moments of pleasure. Not a good trade off, my friend.
13. Every interaction with any woman is your next opportunity to have sex.
Pornography says that the nurse who is helping with your physical, the receptionist at the office you are visiting, and even the teacher in the private parent teacher conference you are having is a potential sex partner if you just play your cards right. If you are a pizza delivery guy, postman, or repairman, you are just minutes away from the sex of your dreams because some woman who has ordered your services is actually ordering your sexual services. Reality check. That just isn’t true. Most women aren’t walking around just waiting for the next willing participant to have sex with. That nurse, receptionist, and teacher are doing their jobs. Most of them are married and want their marriages to work. They aren’t interested in putting their marriage in jeopardy just because you walked into their place of business. Not to mention, as established in dealing with an earlier lie, women don’t walk around just waiting for their next opportunity to have sex.
14. Women are turned on the same way men are.
In pornography, everything happens fast. A man and woman see each other and are turned on, sex is the only solution. This just isn’t real life. Certainly, there are exceptions to every rule, but as Gary Smalley says, men are microwaves and women are crock pots. Even a momentary glimpse, a casual comment, even a brief memory can get a man ready for sex. In general, women just aren’t like that. Women are more in tune with emotions and intimacy. They don’t see a good looking man and suddenly want to have sex. Rather, they have to get emotionally revved up. They generally need to feel an emotional connection. For a man, foreplay might include one suggestive comment. For a woman, it is more likely to include doing the dishes for her, changing the baby’s diaper, having a long conversation about her day, letting her cry on your shoulder about trouble with the kids, giving her a no-expectations shoulder rub. Don’t go home and expect your wife to get turned on like a porn star just because you wiggle your rear as you walk out of the room. That’s just not the norm for women.
15. If what you’re looking at right now doesn’t fix your problems, the next one will.
Pornography is a trap. Most men continue to look at pornography because they are chasing the thrill they experienced the first time they got involved. The escape and excitement was tremendous. It promised to solve whatever issues they had whether it was their fear, their issues of self-esteem, their sadness, their anger, their hurt, their sexual desires. The problem is the solution doesn’t last. It is not even a good band-aid. It provides a momentary escape from whatever is going on, but when you come back down, everything is worse. So then you think you need to look into pornography again. After all, it seemed to help the last time. Then you’re in the trap. Because if it does help for another moment, you’ll want to go back. But if it doesn’t, all you can remember is how it helped the first time, so maybe you just need more. So you go deeper and deeper, crossing more and more lines, needing bigger and bigger hits. When this one doesn’t work, pornography tells you the next one probably will. Despite the fact that over and over again you’ve pursued solutions from pornography and it has never worked, you have been sucked into the pornado and keep believing the next one will do it. But it doesn’t. No one’s life has been made better long term by viewing pornography. Trust me, you will be no exception.
I know that many will deny what I’ve shared. Many will equivocate. Many will protest that pornography is harmless except for with a few weirdos and perverts. It just isn’t true. Pornography is lying to you. Make sure you learn the truth.
Please, pass these truths on to anyone you know struggling with pornography.