For a better life and a better eternity
It’s not enough to love someone. You have to tell them. Have you told your wife/husband/children/parents you love them today?
Keep in mind that if you’re going to tell them you love them, make sure your actions back up your words. Make sure you use a language they can understand. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, check out Gary Chapman’s book (yes, it’s coming, wait for it…wait for it…BAM an associate link) The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)
Today, I want to…
Hug Someone Worth Holding
“Hugging is natural, organic, naturally sweet, free of pesticides, and preservatives. Hugging contains no artificial ingredients. It’s 100% wholesome. No calories, no caffeine, no nicotine.
“Hugging is nearly perfect. There are no removable parts, batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups. It consumes little energy, while yielding a lot. It’s inflation-proof. It’s nonfattening. There are no monthly payments. No insurance requirements. It’s theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully refundable. And it costs very little.
“Hugging is healthy. It assists the body’s immune system, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it invigorates, it rejuvenates, and it has no unpleasant side effects.
“Hugging is no less than a miracle drug” (borrowed from poofcat.com).
No wonder we want to hug someone worth holding today. What could be better? The problem is we’re just not used to it. In our American culture, we shake hands, making sure to keep everyone at arms length. Even in cultures that greet with hugs and kisses, they can become perfunctory and pointless. But, sincere, safe, wanted hugs are some of God’s best medicine for us.
Search the internet for benefits to hugging. You’ll find out hugs can decrease your heart rate. They can lower your blood pressure. Hugs can increase oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Hugs have been connected to better heart health. Hugs increase endorphin levels—the feel good hormones that give us a sense of happiness and well-being, plus they relieve pain. Hugs decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
A hug can say, “I love you.” A hug can say, “I accept you.” A hug can say, “You’re wanted.” A hug can say,
“You’re special.” A hug says, “We’re together.” A hug says, “We’re friends.” A hug provides a connection that nothing else does.
No doubt, different hugs say different things. There is the romantic hug for your husband or wife that lingers and caresses. There is the paternal hug for your children that turns into holding them on your lap. There is the cross-gender, I need to be appropriate, one arm around the shoulder hug. There is the quick hug that says, “We’re friends, but nothing more.” There is the “I haven’t seen you in forever” hug. There is the “I’m here for you” hug that hangs on until the one in need lets go. There’s the “weep with those who weep” hug that also provides a shoulder to cry on.
Hugs are important, life-saving even. Virginia Satir, American author and psychotherapist said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Look at a marriage that is falling apart and I guarantee you, you won’t see many hugs—if any. 12 hugs a day may not save a marriage on the rocks, but 0 hugs a day can sure toss it off the cliff. Look at isolated, rebellious kids and I doubt you’ll find hugging parents. (I know there are exceptions to every rule and someone will no doubt bring up the question of “which came first?”, but the fact remains, you won’t see much hugging there.) Find a prostitute, and I’m betting you find a girl who didn’t get many safe, loving hugs from her father. She’s still searching for that connection.
But for all this, we often push away from hugs. Why?
Certainly, some have been hugged inappropriately and so physical touch scares us. Some have learned from traumatic childhood experiences that hugs are a violation and so they set up walls of protection against that happening again. My heart breaks for those of you in this situation. I pray that you can find people who can embrace you in arms of safety and help you grow in positive relationships.
For most, the trauma is not that extreme. However, a hug is still dangerous. I once heard the hug and kiss of European and Eastern greetings came about as a means of showing vulnerability. To hug someone was to come close enough as to be defenseless. If they wielded a knife, they could kill you. (I’m told the American handshake accomplished the same thing as you thrust forward your empty gun hand in a gesture of trust.) I doubt many of us are afraid of knife wielding huggers, but the hug does represent vulnerability. We are opening ourselves up to others to touch us, hold us, feel us, meet us. They can see and feel our blemishes. They can tell if we are trembling. They can feel our heart beat. Do we really want to let someone get that close? Many of us say, “No.” And we lose the great benefits of that kind of trust.
Perhaps the number one reason we fear the hug is the potential for rejection. We see a friend, hold our arms outstretched to show vulnerability, connection, trust and they give us a high five or grab the hand for a shake. Or worse, they stand there looking at us like we have our clothes on backward or have a booger hanging out of our nose. Rejection. A hug may be great, but a rejection’s negative affects seem much worse. So, we abstain from the benefits of a hug in order to avoid the pain of rejection.
Perhaps you can reshape what is happening in that moment of seeming rejection. I’m sure there are some stuck up, self-centered, pharisaical people who reject you as a person and therefore don’t want you touching them in a hug. Do you really care what that kind of person thinks of you? However, those folks are few and far between. The folks who avoid the hugs usually aren’t rejecting you. Rather, they are expressing their own struggles. Respect their need for space because an unwanted, unsafe hug doesn’t provide great benefits. Instead of pouting in your own rejection, pray for whatever causes them to turn from the hug.
Everyone needs a hug. Make sure you get permission first. Make sure your being appropriate (guys, I hope you know I’m talking to you, this isn’t your free ticket to cop a feel). Get out there and give hugs. That’s right, give hugs. I didn’t say get hugs because a true hug is about giving to others, not taking from them. So go give your quota of hugs.
They’re free. They’re fun. They’re healthy. They’re easy. Why not find someone and give them a hug right now.
I think I will.
(Come back next Wednesday when we discuss “Buying Something Worth Treasuring.”)
We’ve been learning about the importance of cleaning up our side of the street and four keys to accomplishing that goal. However, we can only keep our side of the street clean by pursuing actions of love in all our relationships. In fact, that was step 4 of keeping our side of the street clean.
The burning question is how? How do we pursue the actions of love in all our relationships. Let me share 5 keys that will help you pursue the actions of love in all your relationships.
Key #1: Give, don’t take.
Sadly, the number one way we junk up our side of the street is by taking from others. Perhaps we cheat someone in a business deal. Perhaps we lie to them to get our way. Perhaps we lust after them and store their image in our minds for our own purposes. Perhaps we manipulate them to get what we want. When we are bound by self we take and take and take. We may never actually steal something physically from them, but we are taking from others all the time.
All the stuff we take goes somewhere. It goes right on our side of the street. How do we get rid of all that? Change the very nature of our relationships. Instead of viewing others for what we can get from them, we need to see what we can give to them. We need to give and not take.
Give time. Give support. Give love. Give prayers. Give money. Give material things. Give honesty. Give honor. Give credit. Give whatever you can, to whoever you can, whenever you can.
Key #2: Serve, don’t rule
Too many of us walk around like despots of our own little kingdom, acting as if everyone in our family, on our job, at our school, in our neighborhood is here to support and serve us. When we do, relationships run amok. Our street is junked up by all the wounded people we have tread on in our attempts to be the king of the hill.
Taking the actions of love means serving instead of ruling. Taking the actions of love means going out of our way to help others. When someone asks for help, don’t roll your eyes, exhale your frustration, or passive aggressively rebel. Just do it. Do it because you love them. View it as an excellent opportunity to show them you care.
But don’t always wait until they ask for help. Find ways you can serve. If you look around the house and see a mess, don’t get upset at everyone else who hasn’t cleaned up. Just clean up and show love. Is something broken? Don’t start a witch hunt to find the culprit, just fix it. Yes, yes, I do understand that while dealing with children there is a time to teach them about cleaning up and not breaking things. But even then, make sure your attitude is not one of getting vengeance on them, but rather one of serving them by helping them grow to maturity.
Key #3: Sacrifice
We take giving to a new level here. This means giving even when it hurts. This means taking of our own and giving to others.
Maybe we don’t want to watch the game, go to the store, eat at that restaurant, watch the kids, etc. That is when we are really put to the test about pursuing the actions of love. When we go to the opposite of our selfish nature, we are going to be sacrificing a lot. We may not get everything we want. We may give up some of our precious time. We may not achieve all our desires.
Jesus said the greatest love is to lay down our lives for a friend. That is the ultimate sacrifice. Many of us claim we would lay down our lives for our friends and family. Yet, we won’t even take the trash out for them. We won’t give up our favorite tv show to help them. We won’t take the time to drive across town to give them a lift. If we won’t give up a few minutes of our life for them, what makes us think we would give up our entire lives for them.
Key #4: Acts as if
The hardest part is there are times when we just don’t feel the love for all these other people. Perhaps they have hurt us. Or perhaps our selfishness is just kicking in and instead of demonstrating love we’d rather lick our wounds, defend ourselves, pursue our rage. This is time for one of those great pieces of advice that helps in numerous ways. Act as if.
Act as if you loved them. In other words, don’t act the way you feel. Stop and ask, “If I actually loved this person, what would I do next?” Then do that, whether you feel it or not.
Good strong feelings of love will grow if you pursue the actions of love. If you are going to wait around for the right feeling, you are probably going to be in big trouble.
Key #5: Do all of this without expectations
Here is the real clincher that makes any and all of this a true action of love. Do it without expectations. If you are only doing these things because you expect something in return, you are pursuing actions of manipulation, not love.
Fix the leaky faucet without expecting a thank you. Cook supper and clean up the kitchen without expecting accolades of praise. Offer praise and honor to others without expecting them to return the favor. Guys, clean up after the kids without expecting your wife to pay you back in the bedroom later. Pursue the actions of love without expecting everyone else to pursue actions of love with you.
I have no doubt that in most cases, when you pursue actions of love, you relationships will improve. You will be noticed. You will be praised. But if that is the only reason you are doing these things, it will be short lived. It will be especially short lived because you won’t likely make it out of the phase in which everyone else is saying, “What on earth do you want?” At first, everyone will assume you are manipulating them. But if you keep it up because you weren’t expecting anything, some of your relationships will really change for the better.
A friend once told me that expectations are just premeditated resentment. The fact is, expectations are actually us working on someone else’s side of the street. We expect them to have a clean street. When they don’t we get bitter. Don’t go down that side of the road. Stay on your side.
Of course, I need to offer the caveat to those who are on the receiving end. Even though the one pursuing actions of love is not doing this to receive a thank you, be noticed, or get rewarded. You really should at least say thank you. If you don’t, then you aren’t pursuing actions of love, are you?
If you want great relationships, quit trying to fix everyone else. Clean up your side of the street. Pursue actions of love no matter what anyone else is doing. I can’t promise every relationship will be stellar. However, you will have the serenity of knowing that you are working on and growing in what is right.
Last week we noted 12 things we say to our family when we repeatedly interrupt them. I promised we’d look at ways to overcome interrupting behavior this week. I have developed seven keys to help you overcome interruption.
Key #1: Check your pride
Interruption is an indicator of pride. As we learned last week it says that what I’m saying is more important than what you are saying. I don’t care how you cut it, if interruption is a habit for you, it is only a symptom of a deeper character defect–pride.
You’ve got to get rid of that. First, you have to know you’ve got it. that will go a long way in helping you overcome it. Then you have to actively root out the sources of your arrogance and pride, bringing yourself down a notch or two.
No doubt, you’ve done some great things, but you aren’t Jesus. You need to approach your family with humility.
Key #2: Respect whoever is speaking to you
I don’t care if it’s your spouse, your parents or your children, respect them. This is the other side of Key #1. You need to humble yourself, but exalt the speaker in your own mind. You need to view whoever is speaking as more important than you.
I don’t have any trouble listening to those I think know more than me and from whom I think I can learn a lot. However, when I start to lose respect for people, you can bet I’m going to interrupt a lot. Again, that is my pride thinking they should listen to me more than I should listen to them.
As I increase my respect and recognize that I can learn from anyone and everyone, then I start listening better and letting people finish. I don’t want to miss anything from them because what they’re saying may help me.
I need to even have this mindset with my children. I never know what I might learn from them. I need to show them respect and let them finish what they are saying before I respond.
Key #3: Quit trying to win
We can easily slip into compete mode, acting as if every conversation is a battle we must win. The battle may be about whose right. It may be about whose smarter. It may be that we want to prove they didn’t have to tell us anything, we were two steps ahead of them. Or maybe it is just our pride trying to prove we already know everything.
The purpose of conversation is not to win. It is to draw closer to others. Through communication and conversation we build relationships. Even if we disagree with the other person and are certain they are wrong, we should listen to draw closer. They are far more likely to listen to us, if we listened to them. We can take even a disagreement and make it an opportunity to connect and relate if we’ll simply listen before responding. At the same time, we can agree with some but drive a wedge so deeply in a relationship it never recovers all because we didn’t listen first.
Let your conversations be about building relationships not winning battles.
Key #4: Press the pause button
Before you open your mouth, hit your mental pause button. Even if the other person is not speaking at the moment, allow some silence before responding. You may find out they were only getting their breath. If they really were done, the pause will give even further indication you were listening and considering. Additionally, the pause provides us time to actually think before we speak.
Our problem with this is we don’t like silence. We become uncomfortable if there is too much silence. Sadly, because of that, we want to jump in as soon as there is soon as there is a gap, even if we can easily tell the speaker is only drawing breath.
“But the person may wonder what I’m doing when I’m silent.” Sure they might. Especially if it’s a phone conversation. When they ask, “What’s wrong?” (which they’ll ask because they are also trained to believe silence means there is a problem), just reply, “Nothing, I’m considering what you said and thinking about it for a moment.” Watch their shocked looks when you say this.
Key #5: Rephrase and reflect
In his best-selling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
, Stephen Covey teaches we should seek first to understand and then be understood. In that process, he teaches us to demonstrate our understanding by rephrasing the content and reflect the meaning. Put what the other has said in our own words and speak it back to them to see if we’re understanding correctly.
Of course, I can’t rephrase the content and reflect the meaning unless I’ve listened fully. If I start speaking in the middle of their sentence, I can’t possibly know enough about what they’ve said to take it back to them to see if I understand. Therefore, this habit is a great way to make sure we’re listening and not interrupting.
By the way, take careful note of “rephrase the content.” If your spouse says, “You always interrupt me.” And you say, “Your saying I always interrupt you.” You are not seeking understanding, you’re just being annoying. Instead you can say, “You’re upset with me because I don’t let you finish what you’re saying. Am I right?”
Key #6: Give your family permission to call you on it
We interrupt without even thinking about it. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it. It just seemed natural to start speaking, so we did. Give your family (even your children) permission to call you on your interruptions. This needs to be a boundary in your family. When you interrupt even your children, you have crossed the boundary and they need to be allowed to tell you. Certainly, teach them how to tell you respectfully, but let them do it.
I know, I know, you can’t believe I would tell you to let your children call you on interrupting them. After all, they’re kids, we’re the parents. They should be listening to us more anyway. The issue is listening is a point of politeness and respect. It is a demonstration of healthy relationships. You can assert your authority all day long about how you should get to interrupt your children or you can develop a healthy relationship with them and let them express it when you’ve crossed the boundary.
I promise you, if you do this repeatedly, and you give others permission to call you on it, you’ll be amazed at how often you cross the boundary. Plus, the constant reminder will help you be self-aware and work on the problem.
key #7: Apologize
When you’re called out for your interruption, apologize (even if it is too your children). Let them know that you know what that interruption said nonverbally and you didn’t intend that. Reaffirm your love for them. Then encourage them to finish. Sit there and listen.
Don’t sit there waiting for your opportunity to speak. Sit there and listen.
Don’t play passive aggressive games with them. When they’re finally done don’t sit there silently until they ask why you aren’t responding and then say something like, “Oh, are you done finally? Can I talk now?”
Listen. You may press the pause button. If they ask why you aren’t responding, politely point out that you realized you weren’t listening earlier and now your considering what they’ve said before you responded.
No doubt, there are times to interrupt and be interrupted. If the building has caught on fire or Junior is outside bleeding, then interruptions are warranted. If someone is getting completely out of line and needs to be stopped, interruption is warranted. If the telemarketer is going on and on and on, don’t just interrupt, hang up (I had to include that one because I received a telemarketing phone call while writing this post and the guy just didn’t know when to shut up).
Remember, nothing says, “I love you,” like actually listening to your family, thinking about what they’ve said and then responding. Nothing says, “I’m a jerk,” like interrupting. I know which I want to say. Now, if I can only live by these principles.
I posted this video on my congregation’s website last week. It moves me so much, I wanted to put it here as well. I hope you enjoy and are moved by your spiritual springboard today.
I know my title seems too good to be true. You can’t possibly have a #1 key to make your marriage happy and peaceful. But there really is this kind of a powerful key. Before I share it with you, let me warn you, it’s not easy. I’m not sharing it with you because I’ve got it down. I just know it works.
Are you ready?
The #1 key to having peace and happiness in your marriage (and in any relationship for that matter) is replace your sense of entitlement with a sense of service.
“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! That’s too hard,” you cry.
Like I said, it’s not easy. But it will work. (Warning: I’m a guy. I have illustrations from the husband’s perspective. I don’t mean to leave wives out. For all of you women, just understand that for me to actually live by this principle, I have to think about this from my standpoint. So, even though my illustrations are from my perspective, you can transfer them to a woman’s perspective and get the same lesson).
The fact is, why do I get angry with my wife? Usually because I feel like she has done something to me that I didn’t deserve or she hasn’t done something I think I deserve. My sense of entitlement is ignited and I begin to resent her. Then I just get downright angry. We start to fight. Of course, she joins right in the fight because now her sense of entitlement kicks in.
What happens if I remove my sense of entitlement. What if I don’t come home with the feeling that I deserve to have supper on the table as I walk through the door? What if I don’t do the dishes with the mindset I should get a reward for it later? What if I don’t judge every word out of her mouth through my “you owe me respect” filter? Perhaps I won’t be provoked as often.
But let’s add the second half of this #1 key. What if I not only removed by sense of entitlement but also replaced it with a sense of service? What if I came home looking for opportunities to help my wife make supper? What if I did the dishes because I love my wife and family and not in order to have sex? What if spoke to my wife in a way that said I loved and served her? Do you think that might impact my marriage.
I’m a Christian, and, sadly, all too often I’ve heard other Christians throw Bible verses at their spouse: “The Bible says you’re supposed to love me!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to respect me!” “The Bible says you have to put out because your body is not your own!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to sacrifice for me like Christ did the church!”
I’ll admit, the Bible says some things to our spouses. However, all those passages on marriage were not given to us to throw at our spouses. They were given to us so we could learn how we are supposed to act. I say we make a pact with ourselves and God. We will no longer attack our spouses with Bible verses that say what they are supposed to do. Instead, we will replace our sense of entitlement with a sense of service. We’ll look at ourselves and what the Bible asks of us. We won’t assume that because we are working extra hard to do what we are supposed to that it means our spouse now owes us a response in kind. That is just sneaking entitlement in the back door. We need to perform the actions of love because we love, not because we hope it will get us some reward.
Please, don’t anyone ask Marita how well I do at this. This is a growth process. I’m not anywhere near perfect on it. I have some good days and I have some bad days. I am thankful, however, that I have finally identified this principle. Maybe it will take hold even deeper. Hold me to it.