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Relationships

7 Keys to Stop Interrupting

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Last week we noted 12 things we say to our family when we repeatedly interrupt them. I promised we’d look at ways to overcome interrupting behavior this week. I have developed seven keys to help you overcome interruption.

Key #1: Check your pride

Interruption is an indicator of pride. As we learned last week it says that what I’m saying is more important than what you are saying. I don’t care how you cut it, if interruption is a habit for you, it is only a symptom of a deeper character defect–pride.

You’ve got to get rid of that. First, you have to know you’ve got it. that will go a long way in helping you overcome it. Then you have to actively root out the sources of your arrogance and pride, bringing yourself down a notch or two. 

No doubt, you’ve done some great things, but you aren’t Jesus. You need to approach your family with humility.

Key #2: Respect whoever is speaking to you

I don’t care if it’s your spouse, your parents or your children, respect them. This is the other side of Key #1. You need to humble yourself, but exalt the speaker in your own mind. You need to view whoever is speaking as more important than you.

I don’t have any trouble listening to those I think know more than me and from whom I think I can learn a lot. However, when I start to lose respect for people, you can bet I’m going to interrupt a lot. Again, that is my pride thinking they should listen to me more than I should listen to them. 

As I increase my respect and recognize that I can learn from anyone and everyone, then I start listening better and letting people finish. I don’t want to miss anything from them because what they’re saying may help me. 

I need to even have this mindset with my children. I never know what I might learn from them. I need to show them respect and let them finish what they are saying before I respond.

Key #3: Quit trying to win

We can easily slip into compete mode, acting as if every conversation is a battle we must win. The battle may be about whose right. It may be about whose smarter. It may be that we want to prove they didn’t have to tell us anything, we were two steps ahead of them. Or maybe it is just our pride trying to prove we already know everything.

The purpose of conversation is not to win. It is to draw closer to others. Through communication and conversation we build relationships. Even if we disagree with the other person and are certain they are wrong, we should listen to draw closer. They are far more likely to listen to us, if we listened to them. We can take even a disagreement and make it an opportunity to connect and relate if we’ll simply listen before responding. At the same time, we can agree with some but drive a wedge so deeply in a relationship it never recovers all because we didn’t listen first.

Let your conversations be about building relationships not winning battles.

Key #4: Press the pause button

Before you open your mouth, hit your mental pause button. Even if the other person is not speaking at the moment, allow some silence before responding. You may find out they were only getting their breath. If they really were done, the pause will give even further indication you were listening and considering. Additionally, the pause provides us time to actually think before we speak. 

Our problem with this is we don’t like silence. We become uncomfortable if there is too much silence. Sadly, because of that, we want to jump in as soon as there is soon as there is a gap, even if we can easily tell the speaker is only drawing breath.

“But the person may wonder what I’m doing when I’m silent.” Sure they might. Especially if it’s a phone conversation. When they ask, “What’s wrong?” (which they’ll ask because they are also trained to believe silence means there is a problem), just reply, “Nothing, I’m considering what you said and thinking about it for a moment.” Watch their shocked looks when you say this.

Key #5: Rephrase and reflect

In his best-selling The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey teaches we should seek first to understand and then be understood. In that process, he teaches us to demonstrate our understanding by rephrasing the content and reflect the meaning. Put what the other has said in our own words and speak it back to them to see if we’re understanding correctly. 

Of course, I can’t rephrase the content and reflect the meaning unless I’ve listened fully. If I start speaking in the middle of their sentence, I can’t possibly know enough about what they’ve said to take it back to them to see if I understand. Therefore, this habit is a great way to make sure we’re listening and not interrupting.

By the way, take careful note of “rephrase the content.” If your spouse says, “You always interrupt me.” And you say, “Your saying I always interrupt you.” You are not seeking understanding, you’re just being annoying. Instead you can say, “You’re upset with me because I don’t let you finish what you’re saying. Am I right?”

Key #6: Give your family permission to call you on it

We interrupt without even thinking about it. Half the time we don’t even realize we’re doing it. It just seemed natural to start speaking, so we did. Give your family (even your children) permission to call you on your interruptions. This needs to be a boundary in your family. When you interrupt even your children, you have crossed the boundary and they need to be allowed to tell you. Certainly, teach them how to tell you respectfully, but let them do it.

I know, I know, you can’t believe I would tell you to let your children call you on interrupting them. After all, they’re kids, we’re the parents. They should be listening to us more anyway. The issue is listening is a point of politeness and respect. It is a demonstration of healthy relationships. You can assert your authority all day long about how you should get to interrupt your children or you can develop a healthy relationship with them and let them express it when you’ve crossed the boundary.

I promise you, if you do this repeatedly, and you give others permission to call you on it, you’ll be amazed at how often you cross the boundary. Plus, the constant reminder will help you be self-aware and work on the problem.

key #7: Apologize

When you’re called out for your interruption, apologize (even if it is too your children). Let them know that you know what that interruption said nonverbally and you didn’t intend that. Reaffirm your love for them. Then encourage them to finish. Sit there and listen.

Don’t sit there waiting for your opportunity to speak. Sit there and listen. 

Don’t play passive aggressive games with them.  When they’re finally done don’t sit there silently until they ask why you aren’t responding and then say something like, “Oh, are you done finally? Can I talk now?” 

Listen. You may press the pause button. If they ask why you aren’t responding, politely point out that you realized you weren’t listening earlier and now your considering what they’ve said before you responded.

No doubt, there are times to interrupt and be interrupted. If the building has caught on fire or Junior is outside bleeding, then interruptions are warranted. If someone is getting completely out of line and needs to be stopped, interruption is warranted. If the telemarketer is going on and on and on, don’t just interrupt, hang up (I had to include that one because I received a telemarketing phone call while writing this post and the guy just didn’t know when to shut up). 

Remember, nothing says, “I love you,” like actually listening to your family, thinking about what they’ve said and then responding. Nothing says, “I’m a jerk,” like interrupting. I know which I want to say. Now, if I can only live by these principles.

12 Things You Say to Your Family When You Interrupt

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Last week, my buddy Clay Gentry reminded me of some great wisdom. Don’t interrupt; Listen.

Proverbs 18:13 says: “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” This is great advice for all of life, but especially applies in the family. It especially applies there because I think the family relationship is where we are most likely to disregard this proverbial tidbit. After all, our family has to live with us. How easily we take those relationships for granted and just run roughshod over the ones we claim to love the most.

I know I struggle with this. My wife has waged a never ending battle against my tendency to interrupt. I like to think I’m doing better after almost 14 years of marriage. She may have something else to say about that.

What I try to remind myself and want to share with you is there are non-verbal messages we send through interruption that we probably don’t intend. We usually don’t mean them, at least not on a conscious level. The subconscious level is something we may have to work through with some help. I’ve had to learn what my wife and kids hear when I incessantly interrupt. If they hear it, whether I mean this or not, I’m saying it. 

If you have a problem with interrupting, you need to recognize what you are saying to your spouse, kids, parents and everyone else. Here are 12 things you say every time you interrupt your family. 

 

  1. I’m not listening to you.
  2. You’re not important to me.
  3. You’re thoughts and feelings are not important to me.
  4. What you’re saying is stupid. After all, if it were intelligent I would shut up and listen.
  5. I don’t respect you or what you’re saying.
  6. I don’t love you.
  7. I don’t have time for you.
  8. I’m too important to listen to you.
  9. You’re just wrong, listen to me.
  10. I’m not even considering what you are saying.
  11. You’re boring.
  12. Will you just shut up?

 

Yikes! I don’t want to say any of that to my wife or kids. Yet, I’ve said it way too many times. Sorry. 

So, how do we overcome this? Come back next Tuesday to find out.

The #1 Key to Having Peace and Happiness in Your Marriage

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Photo by JoEllen Gilbert

I know my title seems too good to be true. You can’t possibly have a #1 key to make your marriage happy and peaceful. But there really is this kind of a powerful key. Before I share it with you, let me warn you, it’s not easy. I’m not sharing it with you because I’ve got it down. I just know it works.

Are you ready?

The #1 key to having peace and happiness in your marriage (and in any relationship for that matter) is replace your sense of entitlement with a sense of service.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! That’s too hard,” you cry.

Like I said, it’s not easy. But it will work. (Warning: I’m a guy. I have illustrations from the husband’s perspective. I don’t mean to leave wives out. For all of you women, just understand that for me to actually live by this principle, I have to think about this from my standpoint. So, even though my illustrations are from my perspective, you can transfer them to a woman’s perspective and get the same lesson).

The fact is, why do I get angry with my wife? Usually because I feel like she has done something to me that I didn’t deserve or she hasn’t done something I think I deserve. My sense of entitlement is ignited and I begin to resent her. Then I just get downright angry. We start to fight. Of course, she joins right in the fight because now her sense of entitlement kicks in.

What happens if I remove my sense of entitlement. What if I don’t come home with the feeling that I deserve to have supper on the table as I walk through the door? What if I don’t do the dishes with the mindset I should get a reward for it later? What if I don’t judge every word out of her mouth through my “you owe me respect” filter? Perhaps I won’t be provoked as often.

But let’s add the second half of this #1 key. What if I not only removed by sense of entitlement but also replaced it with a sense of service? What if I came home looking for opportunities to help my wife make supper? What if I did the dishes because I love my wife and family and not in order to have sex? What if spoke to my wife in a way that said I loved and served her? Do you think that might impact my marriage.

I’m a Christian, and, sadly, all too often I’ve heard other Christians throw Bible verses at their spouse: “The Bible says you’re supposed to love me!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to respect me!” “The Bible says you have to put out because your body is not your own!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to sacrifice for me like Christ did the church!” 

I’ll admit, the Bible says some things to our spouses. However, all those passages on marriage were not given to us to throw at our spouses. They were given to us so we could learn how we are supposed to act. I say we make a pact with ourselves and God. We will no longer attack our spouses with Bible verses that say what they are supposed to do. Instead, we will replace our sense of entitlement with a sense of service. We’ll look at ourselves and what the Bible asks of us. We won’t assume that because we are working extra hard to do what we are supposed to that it means our spouse now owes us a response in kind. That is just sneaking entitlement in the back door. We need to perform the actions of love because we love, not because we hope it will get us some reward. 

Please, don’t anyone ask Marita how well I do at this. This is a growth process. I’m not anywhere near perfect on it. I have some good days and I have some bad days. I am thankful, however, that I have finally identified this principle. Maybe it will take hold even deeper. Hold me to it.

Don’t Miss the Journey with Your Family

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When I was in elementary school, I read a story in one of my classes that has stuck with me ever since. I wish I could find the story again to give the actual author the proper credit. Instead, I’ll just have to recreate my own version of the story. I included it in my book Built by the Lord: Studies on the Family a couple of years ago in the chapter entitled “Enjoy the Journey.” I think the message is profound. I’ll present it here with out any comment from me.

A Magic Fish

A recently married young farmer, taking a well-earned day of rest, was out fishing. He had caught about all he wanted, but cast his line out just one last time. He felt the tug and brought in his biggest catch of the day. As he was about to toss the fish into his bucket (you’ll never believe this), it began to speak.

“Please, don’t throw me in that pile of fish. I am actually a fairy princess trapped in the body of this fish by an evil sorceress. If you let me live and cast me back into the water, I can give you a wonderful gift. Life can be miserable sometimes, but I can grant you the gift to skip those miserable parts. All you will have to do is wish yourself into the future and immediately you will be taken to a future point of life.”

The farmer thought this was amazing. He decided to chance it and tossed the fish back in the water. When the fish resurfaced, she said, “I have given you a tremendous gift. Use it wisely and remember you can only move forward; you can never move back into the past. Your body will age, but your mind will only grow the amount of time you actually experience.”

Then she sank beneath the surface and was gone. Two days later, the farmer began plowing his fields. He was hot and miserable and he decided to see if the gift really worked. He wished he could skip to the end of the day, going straight to dinner with his wife. No sooner had he made the wish than he was sitting in his house at the dinner table. It was as if his body had kept on doing the work and living his life but his mind and soul had just skipped the day.

After a few more days of work, he decided he had had enough of this and wished he could skip to the end of the harvest. Immediately he found himself at the end of the harvest, ready to sell his crops at the market. “This is not so bad,” he thought. “I wonder why that fish said I had to be so careful.”

A couple of years went by and his wife became pregnant. He was so excited. He couldn’t wait for another seven months to go by to see his first child. He wished to skip ahead to the day after the birth. The next instant he heard a baby crying in the other room and his wife asking for help.

After a couple of sleepless nights, he wished he could skip ahead to when the child was sleeping all night and potty trained. After having a few more kids, the man just could not believe how stressful it was to raise children. He finally decided just to skip the whole thing. He wished himself to a time when all the children were out of the house.

Though his mind was only a few years older than when he first received the gift, his body had aged quite a bit. He was tired, his body ached most of the time and he just didn’t want to work anymore. He wished to skip ahead to when he was old enough to let his kids take care of him.

 Suddenly, there he was with his wife and his grown children. He began to listen to their conversation. They were laughing and sometimes crying. The kids were discussing their childhood memories. The farmer’s wife was chiming in. However, whenever they turned to the farmer, he only smiled. He couldn’t say anything because he did not remember any of it. He had wished it all away. His body was old and could hardly enjoy his present life, but he could not even take joy in happy memories. He had none.

He left the house and walked purposefully to the lake where he had caught the magic fish, crying all the way. Was the fish still alive? Perhaps someone else had caught the fish and not been so generous? It had been many years, how long could a fish, even a magic one, actually live? Even if it was alive, could he find it? If he could find it, would it do anything? After all, it had warned him.

He walked to the bank and waded in a few feet and began to cry out as loud as he could, “Magic fish! It’s me the farmer who set you free so many years ago. I have been very foolish and made a terrible mistake. Please, come help me!” He repeated his plea several times, but nothing happened. Finally, he just plopped down in the water, his face in his hands, sobbing. He had missed his life and there was nothing to be done about it.

A moment later the water broke and the fish appeared.

“Hello, farmer,” the fish said. “I have already given you one great gift, why should I grant you another?”

“O fairy princess, you warned me not to use your gift unwisely. But I have. I have been foolish beyond belief. My mind is young, but my body is old. I have no fond memories of my life because I wished them all away. Please, take me back to the day I caught you and let me live my life.”

“But I told you, you can only go forward, you can never go back. Sending you back to the day you caught me will end the gift I gave you. You will have to endure every trial, every tribulation, every misery and never be able to miss any of it.”

“I don’t care. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every minute of every day. I want to see how my wife and I grow closer together. I want to see my children learn to walk and run and live. I want to experience every accomplishment. The tough times will be worth it if only to experience the joy of the good times. I have made it to the end of my life and I have accomplished so much, but I cannot enjoy any of it because I skipped it all.”

The fish disappeared beneath the surface of the water and the man cried out, “No, come back.” He sat their consumed in his grief and bowed his head into his hands once again. But then something odd happened. Suddenly, he was no longer sitting in the water. He was dry and sitting in his old boat. His skin was no longer wrinkled and his body no longer ached. He looked up and the fish resurfaced and said, “This was really my gift to you. The ability to skip the miseries of life is really no gift at all. The ability to enjoy the journey is the greatest I can give you. You have set me free, I thank you.” The fish disappeared.

The man eagerly paddled his boat to shore. Tied it to a tree and ran to his house. There he found his young wife. He rushed to her, picked her up and kissed her. She never learned what happened to her husband. But she did learn she had married a man who was able to live with the bad days because he knew how to enjoy the journey.

Going All the Way

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I had an awesome and awful weekend all rolled into one. Had an awesome weekend studying prayer with some brethren in Chillicothe. But I got really, really sick and that was awful. I don’t think I have been that sick since I was in college. Because of the sickness, I didn’t get to travel home until yesterday and so we missed this week’s Springboard for Your Spiritual Life. We’ll get that back next week. 

I don’t know if what I want to share today is much of a Springboard or if it is just something to share. But I want to share it.

I learned a great lesson this week. Mark and Sharon Hatfield were great hosts to the sick and afflicted. At about 3:30 on Saturday morning, I had to wake Mark up and get some help. After several bouts in the bathroom with my sickness, I was getting weak and feared being dehydrated. I couldn’t find the bottled water or any Gatorade. So I woke him up.

For about 4 hours, I had been sick all alone. I’m not sure I have ever missed my wife as much as I did in those hours. Of course, it’s not like she has miraculous powers to heal. But usually when I’m sick, she’s there. She says comforting things. She sympathizes. She puts a cold rag on my neck. She puts up with my whining and moaning as if I’m on death’s door.

For about 4 hours, no one was there but me and the toilet.

What’s the point in all this? 

I was once again impressed with the reality of the greatness of marriage and love. I remember when I was a teenager and looking forward to marriage. Sadly, my big thought was “I’ll finally get to go ‘all the way.'” For some reason, even Christians, especially as young people, seem to have the idea that marriage is mostly about sex. The fact is, going all the way in a relationship isn’t about sex. If that is your idea of going all the way, you haven’t even gone halfway. In fact, you probably haven’t even scratched the surface of what God really has planned for great relationships. Going all the way in a relationship is about being there through thick and thin. When the wallet is empty and month is left, going all the way is helping each other through. When family members are dying and our emotional well is run dry, going all the way is about being a shoulder to lean on and cry on. Going all the way means loving someone so much when they’re sick you’re right there beside them no matter how gross or painful it is.

The fact is, I never dreamed I would be thankful for my wife because she is there when I’m puking my guts out. However, I guarantee, I’ll never take that for granted again. 

So, don’t think a great relationship is based on looks. Let’s face it, how many Hollywood marriages between hunks and hotties fail every day. A great relationship is not one made up of steamy sex between hot bodies. A great relationship is one where a husband and wife will be there to serve and support even when the other is in its most unattractive position like running at both ends while acting like a big baby.

I grew to love my wife more this weekend and I just want to say a big thank you to her. I found out this weekend what she really does provide for me even when I’m not really thinking about it.

I hope you can say the same about your spouse.

Families Need to Listen

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I’m happy to offer you this guest article by Frederic Gray, leader of the Fathers of Faith, Daughters of Excellence Retreat.

 

Families Need to Listen

Have you ever had an event take place in your life and you knew you would never be the same?  You knew because of some statement you heard, book you read or occurrence that took place you would never be the same. It has to me…several times.  But I don’t think any of those moments have had quite the same impact on me as the one I will share with you now.

One day, my tenth grade health teacher, Mr. MacFarland, a former Mr. Minnesota, had us answer a series of questions on a sheet of paper.  We did this exercise as individuals, quietly, but then we had to answer the questions out loud in front of the whole class. We went down each row in numerical order.  When it came time for the question, “I am good at ________,” the girl whose turn it was said, “I am a good listener.” 

Mr. MacFarland stopped the class.  He said, “Everyone listen to what she said. If you are a good listener, you will never run out of friends.”

WHAT???  Could he be right??? 

You see, up until that time in my life, I was often very lonely, and had trouble making friends.  I was socially awkward more often than not, and I desperately craved the friends everyone else seemed to have.

I HAD to test his theory.  So I called a girl that I used to live next door to.  After we got beyond, “So why did you call?” and, “Oh, I just called to say hi,” I had nothing to say.  So I said the only thing I could think of.  “So, um…are there any guys you like?”  Boy, did I hit the magic button!  She talked, and talked, and talked, and talked…you get the idea.

Two hours later, with me having said a handful of “huhs” and “wows,” she said, “This was fun. Call me tomorrow.”

From that moment on, my life has never been the same.  My life changed instantly! From that day, my friends have continued to multiply exponentially.  Girls instantly took an interest in me.  Adults thought I was respectful. And children loved me. And all of this happened because I listened.

You can imagine my surprise when, after I became a Christian at age 21, I discovered that God actually commands people to be slow to speak and quick to listen. (James 1:19)

So what is the point of all of this?

Well, based on my personal observations and feedback from others, it seems to me the family is a place listening is often neglected.  In the family, people often forsake proactive listening and focus on themselves. 

Listening is powerful, almost magical.  Listening proactively, especially within a family context where we have so many needs, can sooth someone’s anxiety, communicate love, serve as emotional affection, and serves as a calming salve for arguments (Proverbs 15:1).

In addition, when you begin to understand someone through proactive listening, it is much easier to give them the benefit of the doubt.  Aren’t we a lot more forgiving when we understand where someone is coming from?  Let’s take a look at each of our family members, and let’s be slow to speak, and quick to listen.  Let’s change our families for the better by making our home a haven of understanding, rather than a web of mangled assumptions.

—Frederic Gray