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Something Worth Doing, Part 15: Risk Something Worth Protecting

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one. By the way, please check out the site for the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation and help promote the foundation by purchasing any of the Life’s More Interesting products. By the way, unlike the other links in this post, there is no affiliation link here. None of your purchases of these products grease my pockets.)

Today, I Want to…

…Risk Something Worth Protecting

What? I want to risk something worth protecting? What is that about? Our first thought is if something is worth protecting, I don’t want to risk it at all. I want to lock it up, keep it covered, keep it away from grasping hands.

However, this statement makes me think of an illustration I recently read in N. T. Wright’s The Challenge of Jesus. While talking about a completely different subject, he spoke about his trip to the Louvre and his desire to see the Mona Lisa. Listen to what he said:

“In October of 1998 my wife and I went to Paris for a conference, and in a spare moment we visited the Louvre. It was the first time either of us had been there. A disappointment awaited us: the Mona Lisa, which every good tourist goes to goggle at, is not only as enigmatic ash she has always been but following a violent attack is now behind thick glass. All attempts to look into those famous eyes, to face the famous questions as to what they are meaning and whether this meaning is really there or is being imposed by the viewers, are befogged by glimpses of other eyes—one’s own, and dozens more besides—reflected back from the protective casing.”*

Is the Mona Lisa worth protecting? I’m sure most of us would say it is. But something has been lost by the protection. Better to risk the Mona Lisa and let the multitudes goggle and grow by the experience than protect it and hinder the public’s betterment. Perhaps we see here it is better to protect the experience and not just the painting.

I also think of the ancient proverbialist’s words in Proverbs 14:4. “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.” Solomon, if he was indeed the author of this proverb, understood that progress comes by risking things we want to protect. We prefer a clean manger. But when we keep our manger clean from the oxen, then our crops are not going to be very good. After all, letting oxen do the work will produce a much larger crop than doing it all myself. In this case, the farmer wanted to protect his manger. However, he needed to risk it by sheltering and feeding his oxen there to reap the even greater rewards.

Our Protection Often Limits Intimacy

The situation that really comes to mind as I wrestle with this resolution is the area of relationships. I need relationships. I want to protect those relationships. Apart from my relationship with God, my most important relationship is with my wife. That relationship needs protecting. I don’t want to risk that relationship at all.

Sadly, my protection often leads to codependence. It leads to me trying so hard to fix things in her because I fear what others will think that she becomes angry with me and a wedge is driven between us. What I’ve found is when I let her live her life and do her job her way and then provide support no matter what anyone else says, that is when we draw the closest. When she makes mistakes, she learns from them just like I learn from mine. When I let her risk instead of trying to preemptively protect her, we usually draw closer.

The codependence leads me to cover up things about myself I’m afraid will turn her away from me. Sadly, the secrets lead me to isolation and I push her away anyway. Granted, one day I may have to pass on a secret that will cause Marita to turn away from me. I hope not. But it may happen. However, up to now, letting myself be vulnerable with her has only ever drawn us closer. Revealing what is going on inside me or in my dark moments is a scary thing. I usually want to protect the relationship and keep those things hidden. But as our recovering friends warn us, we are only as sick as our deepest secrets. When we share those secrets we are risking the relationships, but the rewards when the relationships survive are phenomenal.

When I think about risking relationships I want to protect, I think about my children. I so want to protect them from all the evil that is out there. The top of the list is sexual evil. For the longest time, my approach to protecting them was to hide sex from them as much as possible and then scare the daylights out of them about the rest of it. However, I realized the hiding only produces curiosity and the fear only produces rebellion, at least, that is what it did for me. But if I don’t hide it from them, I’m risking their innocence and that, to me, is definitely worth protecting.

No, I’m not suggesting we invite our children to watch pornography or send them out on dates with contraceptive devices. But I am saying I have to learn that sometimes my protection actually puts what I’m afraid to risk at greater risk. I have to learn to risk those things that are worth protecting.

It is like our little baby’s health. Have you even thought about what we are doing when we immunize our children? We are actually introducing a disease into our baby’s body in order to protect them. We are placing them at risk in order to protect them. Sadly, in some cases the risk takes place and we spend the rest of our lives condemning ourselves for taking the risk. That is why you will always find websites condemning immunizations. However, there is no argument that immunizations have lowered, in fact, nearly eradicated some diseases in our kids. We need to learn that instead of isolating our children, we should inoculate them. Is it a risk? Absolutely. But in my experience isolation is an even bigger risk because we simply aren’t so good as to completely isolate our children from everything.

Growing through Risk

Another story that comes to my mind is Jesus’ story about the talents found in Matthew 25. A master gave five talents to one servant, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. By the way, the footnote in my Bible says a talent was a monetary sum worth about 20 years wages to the common laborer. Can you imagine being given 20 years of your salary in one lump sum? What would you do with it? The man who had been give 100 years of salary and the man who had been given 40 years of salary both risked their talents. They bought and sold and traded until they had generated twice what they started with. The third man hid his talent. Think about it. That seems wise to some of us. At least he didn’t fritter it away on eating out, depreciating gizmos, and self-seeking pursuits. He protected it. When the master returned, the man gave him back his talent. The master, however, was not happy. He didn’t give the man the talent so that when he returned he could get one talent back. If he had wanted that, he could have kept the talent with him. He gave the servant the talent to produce a profit. He called this servant wicked and slothful.

Ouch! That hurts. Sometimes, what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than fear. We fear rejection so we don’t risk our egos. Sadly, we then spend all our time feeling inadequate because we never accomplish anything. We fear betrayal so we don’t risk entering a relationship. Sadly, we miss out on the joys of strong friendships and love, living out our lives in loneliness and empty pursuits. We fear conflict so we don’t risk sharing our opinions and feelings. Sadly, we seethe in bitterness and resentment until the conflicts erupt in proportions too great to control.

Sometimes what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than laziness. The five and two talent men actually went to work with their talents. They had to buy and sell, that took research, time, planning, and skill. I’m sure investing then was like it is today. Nobody ever bats 1000. They had to make up when they lost what they risked. The one talent man didn’t have to work. He just hid the talent and could sit on his behind.

I hope you don’t think this is too crass, but I have to share a poem I first heard from John Maxwell.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore. 

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.” 

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.” 

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Let’s face it. Relationships take work. It is a lot easier to be disconnected. As Simon and Garfunkel sang, “A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.” Why work on a relationship when it means risking so much pain? Accomplishment takes work. Too many of us want to sit on our rears and hope that God will drop some major accomplishment in our laps. It just won’t happen. Why risk looking the fool when you can shoot for nothing and no one will ever notice? Leadership takes work. It is a lot easier to be the low man on the totem pole. It isn’t your reputation on the line when you are just the rummy. Why shoot to lead others when it means risking so much if you fail?

Why risk? Because the relationships that can produce the greatest pain can also produce the greatest happiness. And as Garth Brooks sang, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” Because only those who brave looking like a fool in front of the masses ever accomplish anything worthwhile. Consider the simple task of writing a poem or a book. If you only ever fear that others will not want to read your book, you’ll never have the satisfaction of getting one done. Because leadership means we can accomplish things through others we could never accomplish on our own. Nobody ever became President without risking his entire reputation. Perhaps we don’t look nearly as bad as any of our Presidents have ever been made to look by their enemies, but then we’ve never led the known world to anything of consequence. Why risk? Because whether we succeed or fail the growth and accomplishment we attain is really worth it and helps us press on to bigger and greater things.

I know you want to protect something. But God has given us our greatest blessings in order to risk them. Not so we could lose them. But rather, through the risking we may grow and are able to give back to our society and to Him great things.

Therefore, today, I want to risk something worth protecting because in reality, only when I risk do I grow and gain the true fulfillment out of God’s gifts.

(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Listening to Something Worth Hearing.)

     

 *Wright, N.T., The Challenge of Jesus, Intervarsity Press, Downers Grove, 1999, p 196.

Something Worth Doing, Part 11: Hug Someone Worth Holding

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Hug Someone Worth Holding

What’s A Hug?

“Hugging is natural, organic, naturally sweet, free of pesticides, and preservatives. Hugging contains no artificial ingredients. It’s 100% wholesome. No calories, no caffeine, no nicotine.

“Hugging is nearly perfect. There are no removable parts, batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups. It consumes little energy, while yielding a lot. It’s inflation-proof. It’s nonfattening. There are no monthly payments. No insurance requirements. It’s theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully refundable. And it costs very little.

“Hugging is healthy. It assists the body’s immune system, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it invigorates, it rejuvenates, and it has no unpleasant side effects.

“Hugging is no less than a miracle drug” (borrowed from poofcat.com).

No wonder we want to hug someone worth holding today. What could be better? The problem is we’re just not used to it. In our American culture, we shake hands, making sure to keep everyone at arms length. Even in cultures that greet with hugs and kisses, they can become perfunctory and pointless. But, sincere, safe, wanted hugs are some of God’s best medicine for us.

Hugs are Good For You

Search the internet for benefits to hugging. You’ll find out hugs can decrease your heart rate. They can lower your blood pressure. Hugs can increase oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Hugs have been connected to better heart health. Hugs increase endorphin levels—the feel good hormones that give us a sense of happiness and well-being, plus they relieve pain. Hugs decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

A hug can say, “I love you.” A hug can say, “I accept you.” A hug can say, “You’re wanted.” A hug can say,“You’re special.” A hug says, “We’re together.” A hug says, “We’re friends.” A hug provides a connection that nothing else does.

No doubt, different hugs say different things. There is the romantic hug for your husband or wife that lingers and caresses. There is the paternal hug for your children that turns into holding them on your lap. There is the cross-gender, I need to be appropriate, one arm around the shoulder hug. There is the quick hug that says, “We’re friends, but nothing more.” There is the “I haven’t seen you in forever” hug. There is the “I’m here for you” hug that hangs on until the one in need lets go. There’s the “weep with those who weep” hug that also provides a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs are important, life-saving even. Virginia Satir, American author and psychotherapist said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Look at a marriage that is falling apart and I guarantee you, you won’t see many hugs—if any. 12 hugs a day may not save a marriage on the rocks, but 0 hugs a day can sure toss it off the cliff. Look at isolated, rebellious kids and I doubt you’ll find hugging parents. (I know there are exceptions to every rule and someone will no doubt bring up the question of “which came first?”, but the fact remains, you won’t see much hugging there.) Find a prostitute, and I’m betting you find a girl who didn’t get many safe, loving hugs from her father. She’s still searching for that connection.

Why Do So Many Avoid Hugging?

But for all this, we often push away from hugs. Why?

Certainly, some have been hugged inappropriately and so physical touch scares us. Some have learned from traumatic childhood experiences that hugs are a violation and so they set up walls of protection against that happening again. My heart breaks for those of you in this situation. I pray that you can find people who can embrace you in arms of safety and help you grow in positive relationships.

For most, the trauma is not that extreme. However, a hug is still dangerous. I once heard the hug and kiss of European and Eastern greetings came about as a means of showing vulnerability. To hug someone was to come close enough as to be defenseless. If they wielded a knife, they could kill you. (I’m told the American handshake accomplished the same thing as you thrust forward your empty gun hand in a gesture of trust.) I doubt many of us are afraid of knife wielding huggers, but the hug does represent vulnerability. We are opening ourselves up to others to touch us, hold us, feel us, meet us. They can see and feel our blemishes. They can tell if we are trembling. They can feel our heart beat. Do we really want to let someone get that close? Many of us say, “No.” And we lose the great benefits of that kind of trust.

Perhaps the number one reason we fear the hug is the potential for rejection. We see a friend, hold our arms outstretched to show vulnerability, connection, trust and they give us a high five or grab the hand for a shake. Or worse, they stand there looking at us like we have our clothes on backward or have a booger hanging out of our nose. Rejection. A hug may be great, but a rejection’s negative affects seem much worse. So, we abstain from the benefits of a hug in order to avoid the pain of rejection.

Perhaps you can reshape what is happening in that moment of seeming rejection. I’m sure there are some stuck up, self-centered, pharisaical people who reject you as a person and therefore don’t want you touching them in a hug. Do you really care what that kind of person thinks of you? However, those folks are few and far between. The folks who avoid the hugs usually aren’t rejecting you. Rather, they are expressing their own struggles. Respect their need for space because an unwanted, unsafe hug doesn’t provide great benefits. Instead of pouting in your own rejection, pray for whatever causes them to turn from the hug.

Get your daily quota

Everyone needs a hug. Make sure you get permission first. Make sure your being appropriate (guys, I hope you know I’m talking to you, this isn’t your free ticket to cop a feel). Get out there and give hugs. That’s right, give hugs. I didn’t say get hugs because a true hug is about giving to others, not taking from them. So go give your quota of hugs.

They’re free. They’re fun. They’re healthy. They’re easy. Why not find someone and give them a hug right now.

I think I will.

 

(Come back next Wednesday when we discuss “Buying Something Worth Treasuring.”)

I Have the Most Amazing Wife!

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Yesterday, my cousin rebuked me for my blog posts asking, “How come your blog posts are never titled, ‘I have the most amazing wife…'”? She added later, “…and cousin.”

I Have the Most Amazing Wife

The fact is, I do have the most amazing wife. She has put up with me for over 14 years. She works day in and day out raising my children (don’t worry all you women’s libbers, I do my part of that too. She just spends all day with them). That includes schooling them, training them, mediating fights for them, feeding them, disciplining them, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. She cooks. She cleans. She manages. She shows hospitality. Did I mention she puts up with me? She is patient with me (most of the time). She forgives me. She moderates me. She humbles me. 

The list could go on and on.

The thing is, I don’t tell her these things enough. Sure, they make their way into a birthday, anniversary, or Christmas card. Maybe a Valentine’s and Mother’s day card. But those don’t have the same impact. I’m supposed to say that stuff on those days. I need to let her know that is how I feel about her all the time. 

The Springboard for Your Family

Today’s springboard is not for you to know that I have a wonderful wife. Rather, you need to look at the folks in your family and let them know how amazing you think they are. Whether wife, husband, children, parents, or extended family, don’t just wait for special days to let them know you think they are amazing. Tell them today.

Do so without expectations. Don’t do it fishing for a compliment. Don’t do it hoping you’ll get “benefits.” Don’t do it because you want something. Just tell them because you really love them and want them to know. And then don’t wait very long before you tell them again.

Have a great week with your family.

P.S.

I guess I have a pretty decent cousin too.

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your Relationships

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Last week we talked about keeping our own side of the street clean. I know that sent some people over the edge. “But Edwin, you just don’t know my husband,” or “But Edwin, you just don’t know my wife.” Some folks went ballistic because they simply cannot see past their own victim mentality to ever notice their own wrong. “Oh, sure, I mean I mess up sometimes. I’m only human. But my spouse (kids, parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) is so awful. Let me tell you the thousand ways my _________ is a jerk. How dare you suggest I should clean up my side of the street.”

And thus, the vicious cycle continues until the relationship is absolutely destroyed. Your marriage ends in divorce. Your parents ostracize you. Your kids abandon you. Your friends avoid you. Your boss fires you. No doubt, you continue to live in the absolute certainty that all of this is everyone else’s fault. It never occurs to you the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

Let me ask you, would you like to continue living in the certain miserable knowledge that you are the victim, that everyone else has done wrong, that you are not to blame for your failed relationships OR would you like to have some peace, serenity, and joy in your relationships and have your relationships continue to grow despite even hard times?

I know which one I want.  

Please, allow me to share with you…

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

1. Disregard the wrong others have done to you.

“Aaaaaaggggghhhh! What? How can you possibly say this? My spouse (parent, child, etc.) have done me so wrong I can hardly stand it.”

I have no doubt that is the case. We are all human. We live among humans. We have all wronged and been wronged. I’m sure you have been terribly wronged by others. Here is the question. Do two wrongs make a right? Does the fact that others have wronged you mean you now have the right to wrong them back? Are you really going to live your life like a 5-year-old screaming, “He hit me first”?

I have four children; a 12-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old son, a 7-year-old son, and an 18-month-old daughter. Do you know what drives me crazy with these kids the most? The picking at each other. “Dad, Tessa said it was my fault that _________” “Well, Dad, Ethan did _________, so I did __________, and I said ______________.” “Well, yeah, that was because Ryan did ________________.” “Dad, that’s not fair, Ethan and Tessa did ______________________.” Just thinking about it drives me nuts. 

Then it hits me. Why do these kids act like this? Some of it is because they are kids. But then again, some of it is because they see adults acting this way. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible tendency of figuring out how everything is everyone else’s fault in the world. I hate to say that my kids have actually got to witness me acting the exact same way towards my wife, my brothers, my parents. I have to ask, am I 5 or 35? 

Don’t spend time blaming everyone else, “If they hadn’t done such and such, I wouldn’t have done such and such.” Is your wrong excused because of theirs? Do you ever stop to think that they are telling their friends the same things about you? 

Even if you really can fathom all the way back to the beginning of this rotten relationship cycle and do know the other person started it, are you really convinced the bitterness, resentment, and malice eating on your heart and soul are helping you be a better person or have a better relationship with them? Is that really where you want to spend the rest of your emotional days?

If you really want to break this cycle and start having better relationships, you need to disregard the wrong others have done to you.

1 1/2. Three caveats

First, since many of my readers are Christians, let me make something abundantly clear. This post is not about helping people grow in Christ or overcome sin and go to heaven. I’m talking about us working on us before we start working on others. Clearly, when others have sinned, we cannot simply dismiss it. We are to help others grow. However, please do not justify your personal blame and victim games as if what you are really concerned about is the other person being forgiven and going to heaven.

Second, I’m also not suggesting you be a doormat. I’m not saying if someone really has hurt you don’t ever say anything to them about it. Clearly, for relationships to work well we not only have to clean up our side of the street, but we have to learn how to express our feelings when we’ve really been hurt so we won’t harbor resentments. What I am saying is it is much easier and far more effective to talk to someone who has hurt you when you’ve gone the extra mile to clean up your side of the street in the relationship first.

Third, in some cases folks really have been truly innocent victims. While I believe victims of child abuse, rape, or other extreme crimes can benefit from what I’m sharing here, I am not about to set myself up as some kind of post-trauma specialist who can give you psychological advice. I encourage you to look for professional help to guide you through the emotional landmines of overcoming such treatment. 

2. Make a list of the wrongs you have done.

Do this on two levels. The first level is simply to remind yourself you have done your fair share of wrong in the history of the world. Let’s face it, there was only one perfect person in the history of mankind and you aren’t Him. Count your many sins and be reminded that you really don’t get to play the role of innocent victim in society.

The second level is to do this in context of very specific relationships. Think about your relationship with your parents. Instead of remembering all the bad things they did to you, think about the wrong you did. Make a list of the resentments, disobedience, disrespect, etc. that you did in the relationship. Think about your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your friends, etc. List what you did wrong.

Don’t discount things by saying, “Yeah, but I would never have done that if they hadn’t done such and such.” Remember, we are disregarding what they did. If what you did was wrong, the motivation that stemmed from the other person doesn’t matter. You are striving to purge the guilt and shame you feel and the only way to do that is to get to the bottom of what you did.

Of course, that last statement hits at the heart of our problem. You do feel guilt and shame, but you don’t like to. Therefore, your natural reaction is to deflect that guilt and shame. You want to put that on someone else. That is often why you build up your victim status. You may sedate the shame and guilt for a time, but it will always come back. Something inside you knows something is unresolved.

The only way to overcome the guilt and shame is to face it head on. Sit in those feelings and figure out why you’ve got them. You never will as long as you keep deflecting it to others. Yes, sometimes you’ll figure out you feel guilt and shame when you’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel those things. In many cases, however, you’ll figure out you were not the victim you like to think. you are guilty, and there is room for healthy shame.

Finally, a great big reason to take this step is because having listed these things, you still don’t think anyone else was justified for the wrong they did to you. You want them to judge you based on your intentions. You want them to realize that you have been spiritually, emotionally, or mentally unhealthy and instead of responding in kind, you wanted them to be patient with you and help you overcome. Shouldn’t you offer that same treatment to others. This can help you go back to step one and treat others the way you want to be treated. You can see them as people who are also growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually. They may have messed up royally, but you should offer them the same patience and compassion you have wanted when you messed up royally.

3. Apologize and make amends for your wrongs.

“No way! Apologize? Not on your life! Not until they apologize first!” 

Wait, you’re forgetting something. You’re disregarding what they have done. This is about cleaning up your side of the street. If their side of the street stays junky, that is their problem. You are working to make sure that as much as it depends on you, you are at peace with others. 

Don’t justify your wrongs. Don’t minimize your wrongs. Don’t explain away your wrongs. Apologize for your wrongs. This means explain that what you did was wrong. Explain why it was wrong. Explain how it harmed the relationship. Offer a sincere apology with an explanation that you are working to overcome whatever it was about you that led you to commit the wrong. 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep like, “I promise, I’ll never, ever do it again.” Instead, let the other person know that you are committed to overcoming the wrong, that you are working on overcoming it, and you don’t plan to do it again. 

Now, here is the key. Cap it all off with a request for forgiveness. This is absolutely important. If they forgive you, it goes a long way to helping you forgive yourself. Granted, keep in mind you are asking for forgiveness. All the theological debates beside, if you are asking for forgiveness, you are asking for something you don’t deserve and they are not obligated to give you. However, if you have made the amends and asked for the forgiveness, you can take comfort you have now done all you can do to be at peace. Even if they refuse forgiveness, you can know you have recognized your wrongs and made amends as best you can.

If they don’t forgive you, don’t think you have done all this in vain. Taking these steps has helped you clear out a lot of your own mental, emotional, and spiritual junk. Even if the other person doesn’t let you have a relationship with them, you know you have cleaned up your side of the street and you can have serenity about it. Especially don’t revert back to old behavior. If you do, you are simply reinforcing to them why they shouldn’t have forgiven you. They were certain it was just a manipulation ploy, now they know they were right.

4. Pursue actions of love.

Now that you have cleaned up your side of the street, keep it clean by pursuing actions of love. I don’t want to say too much here because I am going to delve into this more in next Tuesday’s post. However, pursuing actions of love means doing those things you would do if you actually loved them. This is not holding out until they grant you forgiveness. This is not holding out until they start pursuing actions of love toward you. This means serving them because you love them, not because you are repaying them or because you owe them or because you are manipulating them.  This means bestowing compassion when they continue to harm you. This means being patient when they don’t behave exactly right. This means treating them the way you want to be treated, even when they mess up (as they most certainly will).

By the way, since this is all about cleaning up your side of the street and not about trying to get others to clean up theirs, if they don’t forgive you and they continue to mistreat you, you must continue to pursue the actions of love. Remember that two wrong don’t make a right. Their wrong is between them and God. Your job is to clean up your side of the street so your connection to God can be improved.

Understand, none of this is about getting what you want out of the relationship. None of this is about fixing the other person in the relationship. I do believe if you pursue these four steps the general response will be a great improvement in all your relationships. However, other people are involved. There is no accounting for those who refuse to pursue healthy relationships. When you have followed these four steps you may improve the relationship or you may not. What I guarantee you is as you pursue this course with more and more people in your life, your peace in your relationships will increase. You will grow. You will be a better person in all your relationships. You will face life more positively.

Start today. Pick a relationship and start cleaning up your side of the street. I suggest you start with your spouse.

Clean Up Your Side of the Street

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It happened again this weekend. Marita said something which angered me and I went ballistic. Now, don’t misunderstand, this is not Marita’s fault. I’ve learned that if I go ballistic, there is usually something internally with me that is not lining up right and to cover up for it, to deflect from it, or simply to justify it, I get heated and start going off. After all, it makes me feel better if I can make it look like it is everybody else’s fault, not mine. Hmmm. Wonder if that is where my kids get it from?

Anyway, once again I have a very tangible reminder that in the family, we all need to work on cleaning up our own side of the street. Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are times when we need to let others know when they’ve been walking all over us, hurt us, or been behaving inappropriately. However, when the rage is really coming on, especially when you can tell it is an overreaction, the problem is usually not the other person. It is usually us. We’ve got something going on causing discord internally. If we would just deal with it, the rage would dissipate.

So, here’s the plan of attack. The next time someone does something that really, really makes you angry. Stop and look at yourself. Are you deflecting away from some guilt or shame you are feeling on the inside? Do you feel some specific issue is being attacked within you? What is it? Is it some part about which you are ashamed? Is it your pride swelling up? The really tough part is after the fight, hurt, or whatever struggle has occurred and now you are wishing the other person would fess up with all the wrong they did, quit thinking about them. Take a look at you. What did you do to precipitate the problem? Go make amends for that.

I’m not saying the other person is completely innocent. It takes two to tango. However, you can’t control anyone else. You can’t fix your spouse, your kids, or your parents. You can’t make them do anything about any of the wrong they did. However, none of their wrong justifies yours. Therefore, without justification, excuse-making, or blaming, you need to look at your side of the street. What trash is on your side that needs to be cleaned up? Pick it up. Throw it away. Make an amends for your side of the street.

I’d like to promise you that if you do this, your spouse, children, and parents will come around and start cleaning up their side of the street and your relationships with them will always be peachy. Sadly, I can’t promise that. Certainly, most of the time when one person in a relationship humbles him or herself and starts cleaning up their own side of the street, the defenses come down with everyone, apologies flow forth on all sides, and the relationship grows. However, that is just not always the case.

How should you respond if you start working on your side of the street and whoever you’ve been having the struggle with refuses to respond in kind? Just keep cleaning up your side of the street. Why? Because you are not doing this to fix the other person. If you are, you aren’t cleaning up your side of the street, you are cluttering it more with manipulation. Keep cleaning your side of the street because this grants you serenity, peace, and joy. If you let your side of the street stay junky, you’ll always be struggling with the guilt of what you have caused and your part in the struggle. Let’s face it, even if you are doing everything in your power to deflect, justify, blame others, and excuse your behavior, something inside you knows what you’ve done. The guilt and shame will be overpowering, even if it is completely subconscious. That will cause a repeating cycle of trashing up your side of the street and destroying your relationships with others.

And of course, be patient in this process. Be patient with yourself. Perhaps one day you’ll get so good at cleaning up your side of the street you don’t have those blow-ups anymore. However, if you messed up again today, don’t give up on your side of street. Just pick up the trash with which you’ve littered and move on as best you can. It’s a growth process. Life is about progress not perfection. And if you’re married to someone who keeps trashing their side of the street, be patient with them. Like you, they make a lot of mistakes and are growing. Give them time.

Well, I hope this was helpful. I have to go now and do a bunch of street sweeping.

(Check out this follow up article: 4 Steps to Cleaning Your Own Side of the Street)

The #1 Rule to Remember in a Disagreement/Argument

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If you’re married and/or have kids, you’re going to have disagreements. There’s no way to get around them. They will happen so get ready. I want to share with you the #1 rule I’ve learned will help you get through all your disagreements. Of course, it takes way more than knowing this rule, you have to apply it. I’ve known it a long time. I’m not always the best at applying it.

Sadly, if I forget to apply this rule while in an argument, I lose focus of what’s most important. My goal becomes to win the argument. Winning means either to get my way, prove I’m right, or just get whoever is disagreeing with me to shut up. It’s also an extra bonus if I force them to have to admit I was right and they were wrong and then hold it over their heads for a while. 

Are you seeing where this relationship is going? When this is going on, I may be winning the battles, but I’m losing the relationship. After several of these adventures, the person on the other end of the disagreement just wants to get away from me. Whether it’s Marita, my kids, my extended family, or friends. 

So, what’s the #1 rule? 

Keep the relationship the main thing.

That’s right, even in the heat of the argument I need to remember that the most important thing is the relationship, not winning the argument, not proving my point, not shutting the other person up, not getting gloating rights, not venting my frustrations, not putting them in their place. The number one thing is growing closer to the person with whom I’m arguing. Yes, even a disagreement can result in closer union and more emotional intimacy.

When we get into a disagreement, we need to remember that in a little while that conversation will be over, the decision will be made, and we’ll still have to live with the person at the other end. Do we really want to live with the result of raging so much we made them cry? Do we really want them walking away saying, “There’s no talking to him/her”? Do we really want them hurt or embittered because of the names we called them? Do we really want them wilting inside thinking they can’t ever talk to us because we don’t fight fair?

When I feel myself getting tensed up, when I hear my voice raising in pitch and volume, when I sense my temperature rising, I need to breath deeply, remind myself what is most important. When this disagreement is dealt with, I want my relationship with the other person to be stronger, deeper, closer. Then I need to ask, how can I listen to their point of view and also express mine in a way that will accomplish that?

Above all, I need to…

Keep the relationship the main thing.