God's Way Works

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Raising Kids

Don’t Miss the Journey with Your Family

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When I was in elementary school, I read a story in one of my classes that has stuck with me ever since. I wish I could find the story again to give the actual author the proper credit. Instead, I’ll just have to recreate my own version of the story. I included it in my book Built by the Lord: Studies on the Family a couple of years ago in the chapter entitled “Enjoy the Journey.” I think the message is profound. I’ll present it here with out any comment from me.

A Magic Fish

A recently married young farmer, taking a well-earned day of rest, was out fishing. He had caught about all he wanted, but cast his line out just one last time. He felt the tug and brought in his biggest catch of the day. As he was about to toss the fish into his bucket (you’ll never believe this), it began to speak.

“Please, don’t throw me in that pile of fish. I am actually a fairy princess trapped in the body of this fish by an evil sorceress. If you let me live and cast me back into the water, I can give you a wonderful gift. Life can be miserable sometimes, but I can grant you the gift to skip those miserable parts. All you will have to do is wish yourself into the future and immediately you will be taken to a future point of life.”

The farmer thought this was amazing. He decided to chance it and tossed the fish back in the water. When the fish resurfaced, she said, “I have given you a tremendous gift. Use it wisely and remember you can only move forward; you can never move back into the past. Your body will age, but your mind will only grow the amount of time you actually experience.”

Then she sank beneath the surface and was gone. Two days later, the farmer began plowing his fields. He was hot and miserable and he decided to see if the gift really worked. He wished he could skip to the end of the day, going straight to dinner with his wife. No sooner had he made the wish than he was sitting in his house at the dinner table. It was as if his body had kept on doing the work and living his life but his mind and soul had just skipped the day.

After a few more days of work, he decided he had had enough of this and wished he could skip to the end of the harvest. Immediately he found himself at the end of the harvest, ready to sell his crops at the market. “This is not so bad,” he thought. “I wonder why that fish said I had to be so careful.”

A couple of years went by and his wife became pregnant. He was so excited. He couldn’t wait for another seven months to go by to see his first child. He wished to skip ahead to the day after the birth. The next instant he heard a baby crying in the other room and his wife asking for help.

After a couple of sleepless nights, he wished he could skip ahead to when the child was sleeping all night and potty trained. After having a few more kids, the man just could not believe how stressful it was to raise children. He finally decided just to skip the whole thing. He wished himself to a time when all the children were out of the house.

Though his mind was only a few years older than when he first received the gift, his body had aged quite a bit. He was tired, his body ached most of the time and he just didn’t want to work anymore. He wished to skip ahead to when he was old enough to let his kids take care of him.

 Suddenly, there he was with his wife and his grown children. He began to listen to their conversation. They were laughing and sometimes crying. The kids were discussing their childhood memories. The farmer’s wife was chiming in. However, whenever they turned to the farmer, he only smiled. He couldn’t say anything because he did not remember any of it. He had wished it all away. His body was old and could hardly enjoy his present life, but he could not even take joy in happy memories. He had none.

He left the house and walked purposefully to the lake where he had caught the magic fish, crying all the way. Was the fish still alive? Perhaps someone else had caught the fish and not been so generous? It had been many years, how long could a fish, even a magic one, actually live? Even if it was alive, could he find it? If he could find it, would it do anything? After all, it had warned him.

He walked to the bank and waded in a few feet and began to cry out as loud as he could, “Magic fish! It’s me the farmer who set you free so many years ago. I have been very foolish and made a terrible mistake. Please, come help me!” He repeated his plea several times, but nothing happened. Finally, he just plopped down in the water, his face in his hands, sobbing. He had missed his life and there was nothing to be done about it.

A moment later the water broke and the fish appeared.

“Hello, farmer,” the fish said. “I have already given you one great gift, why should I grant you another?”

“O fairy princess, you warned me not to use your gift unwisely. But I have. I have been foolish beyond belief. My mind is young, but my body is old. I have no fond memories of my life because I wished them all away. Please, take me back to the day I caught you and let me live my life.”

“But I told you, you can only go forward, you can never go back. Sending you back to the day you caught me will end the gift I gave you. You will have to endure every trial, every tribulation, every misery and never be able to miss any of it.”

“I don’t care. I want to live my life. I want to enjoy every minute of every day. I want to see how my wife and I grow closer together. I want to see my children learn to walk and run and live. I want to experience every accomplishment. The tough times will be worth it if only to experience the joy of the good times. I have made it to the end of my life and I have accomplished so much, but I cannot enjoy any of it because I skipped it all.”

The fish disappeared beneath the surface of the water and the man cried out, “No, come back.” He sat their consumed in his grief and bowed his head into his hands once again. But then something odd happened. Suddenly, he was no longer sitting in the water. He was dry and sitting in his old boat. His skin was no longer wrinkled and his body no longer ached. He looked up and the fish resurfaced and said, “This was really my gift to you. The ability to skip the miseries of life is really no gift at all. The ability to enjoy the journey is the greatest I can give you. You have set me free, I thank you.” The fish disappeared.

The man eagerly paddled his boat to shore. Tied it to a tree and ran to his house. There he found his young wife. He rushed to her, picked her up and kissed her. She never learned what happened to her husband. But she did learn she had married a man who was able to live with the bad days because he knew how to enjoy the journey.

The #1 Key to Help Your Child Learn to Communicate Effectively

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Would you like to improve your children’s ability to communicate effectively? Would you like to help them improve their vocabulary and sentence structure as they talk? Are you tired of sentences filled with “Ums,” “Uhs,” “You knows,” “likes,” “he goes,” and “she goes” and all other violence done to the language of our fathers? Would you like to help your children learn to speak publicly? Would you like to help them have confidence when they open their mouths?

There is a key that helps with all of this. No, I’m not saying it is the panacea for all our generational communication gap woes. Nor am I saying it is foolproof or failproof. But it will really help.

READ TO YOUR CHILDREN!

Yes, absolutely. Read to them. I don’t care how old they are. If they live in your home, read to them. Obviously read age appropriate stuff. If your kids are ages 2 and 5, War and Peace is not likely to help much. At the same time, if your kids are 14 and 16, they may not go for Cat in the Hat after dinner. 

Read to your kids before they know how. Read to them when they say, “I’m too old for this.” Read to them together. Read to them separately. Read to them Mom. Read to them Dad. Encourage them to read to each other. Let them read to you.

Don’t force them to only read classics. Let them read anything (provided it fits within the bounds of your standards of propriety, etc.). Maybe the only like to read sports related books, while you wish they would read To Kill a Mockingbird or The Illiad. Listen, any reading will help them.

Further, let them see you reading. Dads, don’t let your boys grow up thinking reading is for girls. Moms, don’t let your girls grow up thinking reading is men’s work. Just read to them.

Trust me, it will help (even if you can’t always tell).

If you wondering how to start, Jim Trelease has a great book The Read-Aloud Handbook: Sixth Edition (Read-Aloud Handbook). It explains why and how. It even provides a list of great books to read at different age levels. Get it and get started.

7 Keys to Learning What is On Your Child’s Heart

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I once heard a story about a Bible class. The teacher asked, “Jimmy, what is furry, has a bushy tail, collects nuts and lives in trees?” Jimmy thought to himself, “Well, that sounds like a squirrel, but this is Bible class…” Out loud he replied, “Jesus.”

How often do people, especially children, not share what they really think, but rather give us the answer they think we want to hear. This happened to me on Sunday. You may have read yesterday’s post about foul language. On the way home from preaching that lesson, I asked Tessa (my 11 year old daughter) if she had any questions.

“Nope.”

I pushed a little more, “Do you have any questions about any of the words I suggested were bad?”

“No, why would I have questions?”

That tipped me off. “Hmmm, I thought. Are there really no questions or is she wanting me to believe she just has no questions because she wants me to think she always agrees with me or is afraid I’ll think badly of her.”

I pushed a little harder, “Well, I just know in the past you’ve had questions about certain words and I was hoping this lesson might have helped you think about them. Are you saying you don’t have any questions because you don’t or because you think that’s what I want to hear?”

“Well, I was wondering about…”

Then a great conversation followed about what kind of language we could use. We talked about some words she just shouldn’t ever say based on clear principles from the Bible, some words she isn’t allowed to say while living under my roof because even though I can’t absolutely prove they violate a principle I feel pretty strongly that they do, some words that we need to be careful about around others because we know they have conscience about them and some words I said I would leave up to her to say even now.

No, we didn’t solve any world problems but we did have a great conversation and I think I really helped her think about her language. I certainly helped her think about it way more than had I just said, “Don’t say this, it’s bad,” and then shut down any questions she had about it. Further, I think she is much more likely to live within the bounds of our family rules having heard my honest reasons for them–even if she disagrees with them.

I get some great pointers about parenting from this:

  1. Don’t just accept it when your kids go along with you. Push and make sure that is really what they are feeling and thinking.
  2. Ask your kids questions to help see what is really on their heart.
  3. Let your kids know you still love them even if they disagree with you.
  4. Be honest. Too many parents bluster and bluff when they make a point but don’t really have any solid footing for their opinion. Kids can see through this (or will when they think logically). When they do, they won’t just discount this one issue, but most of what you ever said.
  5. Let your kids ask questions and then answer them. Certainly, there is a time for “Because I said so,” but if you want to make a lasting impression on them, carry on the honest dialogue.
  6. Don’t feel like the conversation has to end with your child agreeing with you. Sure, there is a place for the child to behave in line with your opinion even if they disagree with it. However, I do not have to verbally beat my child into agreeing with me to have a positive successful conversation.
  7. Let your child know you appreciate him/her being honest with you. This will encourage more of the same in the future.
Too many parents walk blissfully through life thinking their kids are on the same page with them because the parent never prods deeper than the surface veneer of just trying to please. They never actually see their children’s hearts because they never work at looking past their outsides. I don’t mean to suggest every kid is hiding some deep, dark secret on the inside. I’m just pointing out that if you want to know your kids there are some great guidelines for good conversations, but you have to work at it.

Edwin in Real Life: Look at Self before Giving Advice

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Some friends were over last night and we watched Dan in Real Life for what must have been the 10th time for Marita and me. I just love that movie. 

Granted, I have to say I don’t buy the Hollywood message that we really can know true love in just three days. I think Dan was right the first time when he said that was infatuation and not real love. On the other hand, real love can grow out of that infatuation if they work hard for the years to come.

However, what I really wanted to highlight in today’s Springboard for Your Family is how easy it is to give good advice and not really pay attention to it yourself.

Steve Carell plays Dan Burns, a widowed parenting advice columnist with three daughters. While at a yearly extended family weekend, he meets a woman at a bookstore and feels an immediate connection. When he gets back to the family house, he discovers this woman is actually his brother’s girlfriend. Then the fun really begins.

It’s a romantic comedy of errors as Dan tries to shut off his feelings for Marie and in the process breaks nearly every bit of advice he would offer parents with his own girls. I see me in Dan. Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to date my brothers’ girlfriend (especially since my brothers are more than a decade younger than I am). But I do, sadly, often break the very advice I would offer others about how to relate to my wife and children.

Hey, this is about progress not perfection. But, at the same time, before we spend all our time telling everyone else how they should parent, taking their inventory about their relationships, we need to take our own inventory. In fact, before we tell our spouse how to live and behave to fix our marriage, we should look at how we are behaving. Before we tell our kids or parents how to behave, we should look at how we are behaving.

In the end, Dan finally gets the girl, makes amends with his daughters and gets the girl. His brother finds someone else and all is well for Dan in Real Life. Granted, real life doesn’t always work out so handsomely. But it will always come out better if we look at how we are behaving first.

 

Just for fun, here’s the trailer:

Talking to Your Kids about Sex

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fatherson-talkThe Background

I had an amazing talk with Ethan a few weeks ago while he was still eight years old. No, it was not THE TALK. It was rather one of many talks that we have had and hopefully will continue to have over the years to come. Let me give you some background.

The fact of the matter is while I can technically say I was a virgin when I got married, I messed up a lot with sexuality throughout high school and college. I have experiences I truly regret that continue to have an emotional and spiritual impact even now. I don’t want my children to go through that. So, in order to keep them from making sexual mistakes I had a plan. I would hide everything about sex I possibly could from them and then scare the living daylights out of them about the rest. Then it occurred to me. That was my dad’s sex education plan. I only remember one talk with him ever. He warned me before I left for college that some girl would find out I wanted to be pure and she would set her sights on me and try to “conquer” me. Sadly, I was 17 and my hormones were raging and while the spiritual side of me was saying, “Oh, how awful,” the other side of me was saying, “I sure hope so.” In that little bit of self-admission can you see the problem with the “hide and scare” sex education plan? 

Hiding it only produces curiosity. The fear only produces rebellion. That is what it produced in me and I realized it would produce that in my kids. Sadly, I was curious about sexuality but I was afraid to talk to my parents about it and learn from them. So, I learned about sex at school (and I don’t mean from health class), work and from pornography-whether it was the locker room brag sessions, the clandestine centerfold passed around under the teacher’s nose, the stories of the sexually active girls and guys I worked with or the video one of the guys on my dorm floor rented and showed in his room. 

Let me ask you, is that how you want your kids to learn about sex? Trust me. if you purposefully or even unconsciously take the “hide and scare” method, that is exactly where your kids will learn about it. Gone are the days where we can hide sex from our kids and they make it to marriage and just learn for themselves (even if you are a homeschooler). The fact is, if you don’t take the upper hand on this one and inoculate your kids with healthy teaching and exposure to sexuality you better know that Satan will get it into their little hands somehow. I know about one child who was told how to unlock some easter egg of pornographic pictures on a video game by another kid in his bible class. If you want to know how really bad it can get, I know of a story of a teenage girl who met with her youth minister to ask a question about oral sex. She had a rep among the boys in the youth group as being pretty good at it but was starting to have second thoughts about whether it was right. What a rude awakening for the youth minister. 

Do you get the point? Dads, Moms start thinking about how you are going to talk to your kids. Go a step further. Start talking to them about it.

The Talk

So back to my conversation with Ethan.

Ethan has started Cub Scouts again. One of the very first things we have to go through is “safety” training in which I read to Ethan some safety rules about strangers and such. Included in that was the rule that his body is his body and he doesn’t have to let anyone do anything to his body that makes him feel uncomfortable. As part of that process, we went through some scenarios and he was to respond how he could act. For instance, if a man pulls up while he is playing in the yard and says, “Hey pal, can you come help me find my dog?” Ethan knows to say, “No. But I’ll get my Dad and he can help you.” 

Another scenario was what should he do if someone offers to show him pictures of naked people. WOW! Didn’t expect that from the Cub Scouts, but kudos to them for putting it in there. Now, the old me didn’t want Ethan to know that it was even possible to see pictures of naked people anywhere. What was I going to do with this? I could just skip it. But I didn’t. I went ahead and asked him. Of course, he gave the right answer. “I’d tell them no and come home.”

What would I do next? I could have said, “Great answer, Son,” and moved on to the scenario about the missing dog. Instead, I probed a little. I didn’t tape the conversation, so this isn’t word for word, but it went something like this:

“I bet that would be hard to say no to. I mean, bet you’re a little curious what a naked woman looks like aren’t you.”

“Yes sir,” he responded.

“What do you think you should do even though you are really curious?” I asked.

“I should still say no.”

“That’s right. You know what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious about what a naked woman looks like. God made us to grow up and be sexual people and curiosity is part of that. But did you know that God has a plan through which we can learn all about our curiosities about women?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. He has given us marriage. When you get married, you’ll be able to see the woman you marry naked and learn all about it and learn to enjoy it. And if you wait until then to pursue your curiosity it will be a great thing.”

I continued, “Let me ask you, Ethan. Has anyone ever tried to show you a picture of ***** *****?”

I inwardly sighed with relief when he said, “No sir.”

“Very good. I have to tell you when I was your age, I was out playing baseball with some guys and one guy brought a picture of a naked woman and I was really curious…”

Ethan interrupted, “But you said no way, I’m not looking, didn’t you.”

“I wish I had said that. Sadly, I didn’t. I looked. And you know what. It didn’t take my curiosity away. It just made it stronger and made it harder for me to say no when I was older. It taught me all kinds of wrong things about women and sex. It even has caused problems for me up to today with your mom. That’s why I’m telling you about this. Because I want to protect you from that kind of harm.”

I went on, “Because I’ve done some wrong things, I want to do everything in my power to help you avoid those wrong things because I know how harmful they are. I so want you to be be pure as you grow older. However, I also want you to know that if you make a mistake like I did, you can come talk to me about it. I know that I will be sad for you. But I remember when I made mistakes, I was very upset at me and I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t feel like I could because I knew I would just get in trouble. I want you to know if you make a mistake, I won’t be happy about it, but you can talk to me about it and I will still love you. I’ll be there to help you get over it and get past it. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes sir. How much longer do we have to do this?”

I cut him loose at that point.

The Keys

Key points I hope you got out of that conversation.

1) Talk about sex as if it is completely natural. I want my kids to know talking to me and their mom about sex is the most natural place to talk about it.

2) Affirm that curiosity about sexuality is natural. My son is not a freak or a pervert because he is curious about ***** *****. Neither is yours. And let me assure you if your son is getting close to 10 he is curious about ***** *****. I’m just glad that my son felt safe enough to be honest with me about it.

3) Express God’s plan for pursuing our curiosity in a positive light. Too many parents spend so much time being negative about sex when they talk about it that kids grow up afraid of sex even in marriage.

4) Non-judgmentally discuss what experiences they have had or might have had. If, God forbid, someone ever does show my son a picture of a naked woman, I want him to feel comfortable telling me about it so I can help him work through the feelings of excitement, guilt, curiosity and shame it will produce.

5) Share your own mistakes and their consequences. I used to be afraid doing this would provide tacit permission for my kids to make the same mistakes. I imagine in some few cases that will happen. However, now I realize it actually produces two positive results. First, it helps them feel comfortable talking with me if they make a mistake. They know I’ve made mistakes and so I won’t simply be sitting in judgment over them. Second, it lets them know in a non-threatening way how negative improper sexual conduct is and how it will impact their lives. In other words, it provides them with honesty where as the kids at school and the pornographers either have no idea what sexual acting out does or they ignore it and just lie to them.

6) Assure your children they can talk to you even about their mistakes and you will still love them. Again, I want my kids to know they can talk to me. If my son or daughter ends up going “too far” on a date, I don’t want them hiding that on the inside. Such isolation will only breed shame that will likely drive them to act out further the next time. Talking to me may provide the relief and forgiveness and education that helps them overcome and not commit the same mistake twice.

There is no foolproof plan for this. I don’t think there is a set way to teach about sex that will absolutely assure your children will never make a mistake. But I think this approach is better than the “hide and scare” tactic I was placing so much stock in before. I offer it to you for what it’s worth.

talking-to-your-kids-about-sex

 

As I close, let me share with you the book that has helped me out the most on this topic. I encourage you to get it and read it. It helps lay out a plan for age appropriate sexual education beginning with infancy on through the early adult years. It is Mark Laaser’s Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality.

How to Seize Teaching Opportunities with Your Kids OR Natural Consequences vs. Punishment

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ethan-eye-examI nearly lost a great opportunity yesterday. 

Ethan, my 8 years and 362 days old son, walked into the house without his glasses. I was busily preparing to present a lesson on the Kingdom of Heaven at the Jackson Heights Church of Christ in Columbia, Tennessee. I was already stressed because I was behind and under the gun. Ethan said, “Dad, I took a nap on the bus and put my glasses on Jacob’s backpack.”

It took me a moment to process. “What?”

“I took a nap on the bus and put my glasses on Jacob’s backpack.”

“Are you saying you left your glasses on the bus?”

“No. I left them on Jacob’s backpack.”

“Wasn’t Jacob’s backpack on the bus?”

“Yes.”

My blood pressure started rising. Jacob lives next door so I hustled Ethan off to see if Jacob had his glasses. Of course not. Jacob said he put them on the seat beside Ethan so Ethan could find them. Yeah well, we already know how well that plan worked. Fortunately, we live in the middle of a loop the bus has to make so it actually passes by our house twice. We waited in the middle of the road. Ethan was frolicking with his siblings seemingly oblivious to the financial crisis he was putting us in. I, on the other hand, was about to lose it. 

We stopped the bus, but no glasses. The driver assured us she would look for them. I talked to her this morning. No glasses. Who knows what has happened to the glasses. Probably one of the kids saw them and grabbed them. I hope it was someone who knew they were Ethan’s and decided to hold on to them to give them back this morning. However, I don’t have too much hope for that.

Can you see where I nearly lost a great opportunity yet? I was already stressed and this was just a bit too much. I almost lost it. In fact, I was so mad I told all the family to just leave me alone because I was about to come unglued and behave inappropriately. Gratefully, as I went back to my lesson, I recalled the number of mistakes I have made that have cost me all kinds of money. Then it hit me. When I make a mistake that costs me money, who pays for it? Not my parents. I do.

This is not a time to be overflowing with anger. This is a life lesson in the making. This is a time to teach consequences. 

I had a little heart to heart with my very precious near birthday boy. 

“Ethan, I’m sorry I was so angry. I’m trying to get over that. The fact is, everyone makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes that have cost all kinds of money. I’m upset that you were careless but we all do that sometimes. Here’s the problem. When I make mistakes, guess who has to pay for it?”

“You do, Dad.”

“That’s right. I do. Now that you’ve made a mistake, guess who needs to pay for it?”

“Me?” He said it in the form of a question clearly hoping he was mistaken.

“Yes. You. Your birthday is on Thursday. Any money you get is going to have to pay for some new glasses if you don’t find them.” 

Then I showed him his bank account balance online from the 8 years of saving gift money and other savings and I said, “Here is your bank account for going to college or buying a car one day. Here is the balance. Whatever is left over after your birthday money will have to come out of your savings and you won’t be able to use it when you get older for whatever you wanted.”

He immediately started crying. For a moment I was crushed. But I held on. This was the right thing. After all, what would happen if he was careless with his glasses and learned that a new pair would just magically appear? He certainly wouldn’t learn to take care of his glasses or anything else. 

Of course, later he said something to his sister about being punished by having to pay for his glasses. I pulled him aside and said, “Oh buddy, you misunderstood. I’m not punishing you by making you pay for your glasses. Punishment would be if I spanked you or grounded you or removed some privilege. This isn’t punishment. This is natural consequences. If I lost my glasses, who would have to pay for them? That’s right, me. That wouldn’t be punishment. That would simply be what I had to do because I lost my glasses. You need to learn that lesson too. Sometimes everyone is careless and makes mistakes. But when we do, we have to pay for it. If you can learn that lesson now, you will miss out on a lot of heartache as you get older.”

As you can see, because I allowed myself to get angry in the moment, I almost lost this golden teaching opportunity. It was almost merely a time for me to shout and holler and generally be foolish in front of my kids. Gratefully, by God’s grace, I was able to seize the moment. It wasn’t easy for me and it won’t be easy for Ethan (especially on his birthday on Thursday), but in the long run it will make his life easier. I’m sure of that.