God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

Being human

Be Patient with Yourself, Love Yourself

by 7 Comments

love yourself by gwenwasleyA few weeks ago, we started looking at God’s love for us and noted that if God loves us, we are allowed to love ourselves. In fact, we noted from Matthew 22:39, that God didn’t command us to do this, He simply expected it. 

 

The problem, of course, is we have been so warned against self-centeredness that hearing this shocks us a bit. We aren’t allowed to love ourselves, we think, because that is narcissism. That would be selfish. Besides, II Timothy 3:2 warns that the sinners of this age will be lovers of self. Clearly, there is a way in which we are allowed to love ourselves and a way in which we aren’t. I think the best explanation of how to love ourselves biblically can be found in I Corinthians 13:4-7. If we pursue God’s definition of love for others, and are supposed to love them as we do ourselves, then this will help us love ourselves properly.

 

Love Is Patient

 

The first thing Paul said is, “Love is patient.”

 

Be patient with yourself. If you’re like me, you are a mess. You don’t want anyone else to know it and you do your best to put on a great face so no one else will ever know it, but you know exactly what a mess you are. You know every flaw, every mistake, every failure, every sin. In fact, you know the little bitty things that no one else would recognize as bad, but you know for you it is. 

 

With every mistake, you can begin to beat yourself up, shame yourself, throw your hands in the air and claim there just isn’t any reason to keep going on. “Why bother,” you tell yourself, “I’m never going to make it.” 

 

But love is patient. Be patient with yourself. God is patient with you. II Peter 3:9 says the Lord is not slow about His promises, He is simply patient, not wishing any of us to perish. A few verses later, he says we should count this patience as our salvation (II Peter 3:15). God is waiting on us. 

 

However, there is an even better reason to be patient with yourself than simply God is patient with you.

 

God is Working On You

Not only is God waiting on us, God is working on us. Philippians 2:12-13 encourages us to keep working on ourselves, not because we are doing such a great job, not because we are perfect, not because we make no mistakes. We should keep working on ourselves because God is working on us and in us. 

 

Romans 8:28-30 explains that God is going to bring us to conformity with Jesus. He is working on us and He will get us there. When we mess up, there is no need to throw our hands up and quit. Rather, be patient. God is working on us. We just need to keep working.

 

Let’s face it, we are all like toddlers struggling to walk in a manner worthy of Jesus Christ. As we start to pull up on the furniture, we are going to fall. We may even fall a lot. However, eventually, just as sure as little children eventually learn how to walk, we will to. Not because we’re such great walkers, but because we aren’t alone. God is holding our hand. 

 

Even after we’ve been walking for a while, we may have a big fall. In fact, just this morning, I fell down the stairs (again). However, God is still working on us. He still loves us and is patient with us. We can be patient with ourselves as well.

 

Patient, not Permissive

Now, please don’t misunderstand. Romans 6:1-2 says, “Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” Being patient with ourselves when we sin, doesn’t mean we are granted permission to sin. God’s patience with us is not a license to sin. Neither should our own patience be. 

 

The point is simply that since we are growing and are not perfect yet (Philippians 3:12), we will stumble and fall. When we do, patience doesn’t tell us not to care and just stay on the ground wallowing in the mud. Patience says to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, pick up our cross and keep walking. Or rather, it tells us to let God pick us up, clean us off, give us our cross, and keep walking with Him.

 

I don’t know what has been happening in your life. I don’t know what struggles you have or what failures you’ve made. All I know is this, if you love God, He is working on you. Be patient with Him. Be patient with yourself. Love is patient. Why not love yourself today, cut yourself some slack. Be patient. You’ll make it. God has promised you will.

 

Come back next week, we’ll learn about being kind to ourselves.

Love Yourself Today

by 10 Comments

Index of “Loving Ourselves” Posts

God Loves You Today, So Should You

We Don’t Have to Earn God’s Love

Be Patient With Yourself

Be Kind to Yourself

Nourish and Cherish Yourself

Do Not Envy

Do Not Boast or Be Arrogant

Don’t Be Rude to Yourself

Don’t Insist On Your Own Way

Don’t Be Irritable With Yourself

Don’t Resent Yourself

Rejoice in Truth, not Wrong-doing

Bear and Endure All Things

Believe and Hope All Things


Hating Ourselves

Love Yourself by gwenwasleyA man, supposedly in his late 40s posted the following in an internet forum that I do not want to link you to.

“I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate everything I am. I go to bed every night wishing I would wakeup with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car wreck or have a massive heart attack. That would show them wouldn’t it. Would anyone really care if I was gone? I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can’t I be a real man and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I had done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.”

The responses he received were not much better.

“You and me both. I know how you feel. Every day I wake up hoping to die. I’ve been through a lot … in my lifetime. Most of the time, I don’t see what the point of living is. At university, everyone ignores me. No one cares about me. Most of my family hate me. I have no friends…I’m not even my won friend.”

“I know there are people who love me, but it doesn’t make a difference to me. I feel like you. I’m a loser.”

“Bro, I feel so close to you. I hate myself and I hate myself that I hate myself in the same time. I don’t know how to feel or what to feel. Sometime I blame life and gods but then I hate myself that I should just blame myself. I hate myself more than I hate this meanless life. I hate my boring look, my stupid brain, my weak body, and my ugly mouth that always say the wrong things.”

“I go through life pretending I am so happy, but if anyone even cared they’d look deeper. And even though I am female, I totally understand how you feel. They all say life is a rollercoaster, but it feels like it is only going down and down further each day.”

Someone finally posted:

GOD LOVES YOU! Nothing is more important than that.

To which the next responder replied:

“I wish I could believe in that premise, but I’m finding it hard these days. I have failed at everything I’ve ever done and tried. At the same time, I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve been a hard-working blue collar guy all of my life. I’ve never broken a law or hurt anyone. Now, at 47, laid off from my job nearly a year, a wife of 19 years who looks at me like a loser. No kids. Little savings. The only thing I truly love are my two dogs who are always faithful.

“I look back and conclude that my life has been pointless. Utterly meaningless. I hate myself so much, that I love my own honesty about it.

“I hate myself so much that I pray for death. I am a 30-year smoker and am happy about it. Lung cancer, colon cancer, a massive coronary all sound good to me. I’ll take any of them. Then I can go down for the long sleep and all of this…would be over. No more worries. No more insomnia or nightmares. Not another morning waking to nothingness. Worthlessness. Pain.

“The only reason I haven’t put a bullet thru my head is because of the last remaining shred of Christianity, that suicide is the ultimate sin from which there is no forgiveness. So, I’m finding it harder to believe that God is here, or cares. I have sinned like all humans on this planet and regret them all. But, if he’s there, he’s forsaken me. I guess I don’t blame him. I would too if I were him.”

Self-loathing and self-hatred: Some of us have it down to a science. Some of us are even convinced we are more spiritual because of our negative feelings toward ourselves. We are sure that any kind of love we have for ourselves would only be selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance. We are sure that any kind of love we might have for ourselves would mean we weren’t seeing ourselves in the sinful light we are sure we must recognize. I’d like to share a Biblical revelation with you. We are allowed to love ourselves.


Some hearing this will think this is no big deal and wonder why I’m even sharing such depressing stuff. Others are saying they know how these people online feel and want to find out where this stuff came from. They are saying, “Are you sure? Are you sure I’m allowed to love myself? If you knew me like I do, you wouldn’t be saying that.” I’m talking to you. God says you are allowed to love yourself.


Why do Christians Struggle with Self-Loathing?

For those who don’t understand, here’s the problem. Some look at their sins and equate their existence with their sinfulness. They don’t just despise their sins; they despise themselves for their sins. I understand that. With each new sin, no matter how small or great, we receive another reminder of how worthless and unlovable we are.


Some look at their bodies. They see themselves as too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too plain, too out of proportion, maybe their ears are too big or their chin is too small. They equate their body with themselves and hate themselves a little more every time they look in the mirror. As an overweight guy, I can understand that too.

Some listen to the negative messages they’ve heard from parents, professors, and peers: “You’re never going to amount to anything.” “You’re so pathetic.” “You’re a loser.” “You’re worthless.” “I don’t even know why I had you.” “I don’t even know why they let you in this school.” “I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.” “You’re the worst __________.”

Some want to be perfect and every mistake adds another level of loathing. Each failure reinforces the messages they heard from others and they play those messages over and over again in their heads. I haven’t heard all these, but I’ve heard some things. I understand this.

Some look at how they’ve treated others and the mistakes they’ve made in relationships. Every time they see someone they’ve hurt, they heap punishment on themselves. How could the one they’ve hurt love them; how can they love themselves? I wish this one didn’t ring so true. But I get it.

Then, they “go to church” and see everyone wearing their Sunday smiles, and hate themselves a little more for not being strong and perfect like everyone else. You ought to try being the guy who looks out over the whole audience each week to see what appear to be a whole bunch of people who have it together. It’s a weekly reminder of, “Why on earth am I the guy up here preaching?”

For you, “hate” and “loathe” may be too strong of terms. But how do you talk to yourself? Do you call yourself names? “Idiot,” “Loser,” “Moron.” Do you talk down to yourself? “If you had half a brain, you wouldn’t make mistakes like this.” “You’re such a ______, no wonder nobody likes you.” Do you punish yourself over and over again? “I don’t deserve to have a relationship, I’ll sabotage this one.” “I don’t deserve to be thin, I’m going to eat two extra helpings of ice cream.” “I don’t deserve to be pretty, I’ll go out in my rattiest clothes and refuse to try to look nice.” If you treated someone else the way you treat yourself, would they mistake it for love? Maybe your feelings aren’t as dark as those shared at the beginning of this post, but are you treating yourself the way God wants you to?

I know the struggle with these feelings. I like to say that “hate” and “loathe” are too strong of terms for how I’ve felt about myself. Maybe they are. But I can guarantee you that when I talk to others the way I talk to myself about mistakes, value, life in general, no one would mistake it for love. If I talk to my wife the way I talk to myself, she would not think I was loving her. In fact, she probably would think I hate her. If I talk to my kids the way I talk to myself most of the time, they’d end up in therapy (that may happen anyway). I get it.

I’m even one of those people who likes to tell myself this is how I’m supposed to treat me because it is really spiritual. I should despise me for my sins and imperfections. That means I have a realistic self-image based on the Bible. After all, the Bible rebukes all the sins I’ve committed and says I deserve judgment for what I’ve done. I should not like me. If I like me, that means I like the sins I’ve committed. I don’t do as some, flagellating themselves with whips and hurting themselves physically (based on a misunderstanding of I Corinthias 9:27). But verbally and mentally I’ve been there. You should hear the names I call myself when I simply make a wrong turn. If I said that to someone else, folks would be scandalized.

Loving Ourselves

But then I reread Matthew 22:37-40. The two greatest commandments are, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” The second is very similar, Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

I’ve read these commands before. I’ve been in classes about them. I’ve preached sermons about them. But on a gut, emotional, core value level, I missed something about these verses. There are two commands about love, but there is a third statement about love within them. It is not a command because it is simply assumed. We are supposed to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

Do not miss the profound nature of this. Not only are we allowed to love ourselves, we are supposed to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is the foundation for loving others properly. If we despise ourselves, loathe ourselves, and hate ourselves, we will not be able to love others properly or in a healthy way.

The sad reality is too many of us do love others exactly the way we love ourselves, we hate ourselves so we hate others. Maybe “hate” is too strong of a word in this case too. But I think of my statements above about talking to my wife and children. There I said, “if.” I should actually say, “when.” Because I have talked to them these ways. However, as I’ve grown, I’ve discovered that when I talk to others this way, almost without fail I’m not really angry at others. I’m angry at me. The self-loathing simply wells up inside and despite my best efforts to control it seeps forth like too much jello in a mold. My experience is most of my outbursts at others are actually outbursts at myself directed outwardly. It is as if some part of me wants them to feel about me the way I do in that moment and so I’ll sabotage the relationship so they can punish me as I’m sure I deserve. Or these outbursts are attempts to be able to shift my own gaze on to someone else so I can convince myself that they are really the bad one and I can think better of me.

Though I don’t need personal experience to know what Jesus says is true, I have seen my own experience support what Jesus says here. We have to love ourselves properly before we’ll love others properly. When I am most hateful with myself, that is when I’m most hateful with others.

Look again at what Jesus said. “You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Not only are we allowed to love ourselves and supposed to love ourselves, these verses demonstrates that God expects us to love ourselves. Jesus didn’t command loving ourselves, He simply assumed we would.

If you’re like me, hearing this for the first time, you are probably raising all kinds of objections. “What? This sounds like narcissism to me. This sounds like selfishness and self-centeredness.” Of course God doesn’t condone narcissism. I’m not saying we are allowed to be obsessed with ourselves. Of course God doesn’t allow selfishness and self-centeredness. I’m not saying God allows us to hate others while we focus on ourselves. However, there is no getting around it. God assumes that we’ll love ourselves. In fact, He has said this not once, but twice. In Ephesians 5:28-29, Paul says husbands should love their wives as they love themselves, nourishing and cherishing them. Again, he didn’t command the love of self. He simply assumed it.

More to Come

Over the next few weeks, I want to delve into this topic. I want to explore it because I need to. I think many readers here need this as well. I want to begin by looking at God’s love for us and then examine I Corinthians 13 and how it applies to loving ourselves. That will help us get a good grasp on what we would actually do if we were to love ourselves. I hope this series lifts you up, draws you closer to God, and helps you find your worth in your relationship with God not your own personal accomplishments.

If you are willing, we’d love to hear from you on here about your own struggles or questions about this issue. That will help me know the direction to take these posts.

For right now, let me simply reiterate the message of the picture at the beginning of this post. Feel free to love yourself today.

Check out the next installment in this series here.

By the way, if you would like to check out a sermon I presented on this topic, go here.


I Don’t Have to Be God Today

by 3 Comments

looking to GodThe other day I was having some real struggles. I was obsessing about some conversations that I had already had and some I needed to have. In my mind, I played the video over and again of the conversations. For those that I had already finished, I replayed the video with me saying different things trying to figure out if events would have gone differently if I had said something different. For the conversations I hadn’t yet had, I was playing the tape trying to figure out how to say the exact right thing so I could fix everything in those people, our relationships, and our congregation.

 

Obsessing over these things was messing up my night, interfering with my sleep. It was messing up my day, distracting me from the real work at hand. I knew I needed to stop the obsession. It wasn’t doing any good. It wasn’t living in reality. It wasn’t helping. In fact, it was hindering.

 

Then it hit me. I knew what my problem was. In my own little way, I was trying to take care of God’s job. It’s God’s job to fix things. Not mine. My job is simply to do the next right thing. For the conversations that were already completed, the right thing was to have those conversations. I had them. I had done my job. Now it is God’s job to work in my heart and in the hearts of the others to work out His glory. It isn’t my job to try to go back and make those conversations awesome so that I get the outcome I want. For the conversations yet to come, the right thing was to have those conversations. The right thing was to state my concerns but do so gently without being judgmental. The right thing was to listen attentively and show respect. I think I did all those things. It is God’s job to work in my heart and the heart of those I spoke with to prompt us to consider our own lives and whether we are glorifying Him. 

 

What really hit me was that I’m not God. I can’t foresee the future. I can’t change the past. I’m not perfect. My words won’t be perfect. I won’t ever say the just right thing that makes everything work out just the right way all the time. When I’m obsessing over my conversations as if I can really make them perfect, I’m trying to be God. I don’t have to do that today. I can let Him do His job and I’ll just work on mine.

 

It reminds me of another incident a few weeks ago. I was invited to be part of a writing project, to which I whole-heartedly agreed. When the whole project was said and done, the editor and I had a disagreement about the use of two particular words. I stated my concerns and reasons why I thought the editor was making a mistake. But in the end, he was the editor. The project went to press his way, not mine. I was so upset. I called a friend to vent my frustration. He listened politely. He let me have my feelings, validating that I was allowed to feel that way. But then he encouraged me. He essentially said, “You know, Edwin, if God wants to use that project to help people, He can do it without having to use your words. You’ve done your job, trust Him to do His.”

 

WOW! What a concept. Let God do His job. I’m not God. I don’t have to do His job.

 

You know what. As I learn this lesson, I’m gaining some real freedom and serenity. There’s a lot of stress that comes with trying to do God’s job, stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Apparently, I’ve been trying to do God’s job a lot. Frankly, it is just too much for me. 

 

So, today, I don’t have to be God. I’ll let Him do His job and I can rest easy, because I know He does a fine job without me and doesn’t need my council or advice.

The Mourning Booth: Learning to Weep with Those Who Weep

by 1 Comment

Perhaps one of the most difficult things to do is learn to weep with those who weep. When we see someone hurting what do we do? The Skit Guys who brought us “God’s Chisel” tell us about mourning and what we need to do when we know someone is sitting in their mourning booth.

I Am Not Your God and I Need to Quit Acting Like It

by Leave a Comment

Sorry for missing Thursday’s and Friday’s posts and for being so late today. As I mentioned in last Wednesday’s post, I was under the weather a good bit last week. Additionally, I’m having some trouble with my internet at home and couldn’t get to this page to update it. I’m working on that. I can access the page from my office, so I’ll try to stay on top of this week’s posts.

Also, let me remind you that there are still a few more days (through August 26) in which you can be of some big help to me and the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I’m still a good ways from my bail goal and would really appreciate your help. Just check out the website and make a donation (no matter how large or small) and you’ll be a big help to someone who is suffering with Muscular Dystrophy. Thanks.

I Am Not Your God and I Need to Quit Acting Like It

Over at Give Attention to Reading last week, we were reading through Romans. Romans 14:4 caught one reader’s eye. I just have to share what talking about this point brought to my attention about our spiritual lives.

“Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the lord is able to make him stand.”

Please don’t misunderstand anything I’m going to say here. I fully recognize God calls us to make judgments, but to do so with a righteous judgment (cf. John 7:24). I also know this passage is not condemning congregational discipline when prompted properly (cf. Matthew 18:15-20; I Corinthians 5:1-13). However, Paul means something when he reminds us that we are not anyone’s master. 

I can’t help but think about my own children. I don’t know how many times a day I have to remind one of them, “Hey, you are not the parent.” Of course, Tessa suffers badly from oldest child syndrome and I have to remind her repeatedly, “Tessa, you are not Ethan and Ryan’s mom.” She may claim she is just trying to help. She may claim she is just joking. She may claim she is just trying to uphold our rules. But in those instances, it is all too plain to see her taking authority to herself that simply isn’t hers. Usually, we are right there to say, “You aren’t the parent.”

Along with Romans 14:4, that caused me to stop in my tracks and wonder. How many times a day as I speak to others is God up in heaven, shaking His head saying, “Edwin, you are not their God.” Certainly, I should be there to help others. Certainly when I see someone turning from God’s path, I need to come up alongside them and encourage them in the right way. However, I am not their God. I have to make sure I’m coming alongside as a fellow brother, traveler, partner. I should come along as a concerned friend. Too often I come along as the authority trying to wield some kind of punitive right over them. Too easily I lift myself up as if I am above them. God simply says, “Edwin, stop acting like that. You are not their God.” 

Additionally, I need to remember that God has granted leeway in many cases. I do not get to act like my way is equivalent to God’s. This may be something as simple as how we dress for the church’s assembly. I personally like to dress up as a way to show respect for what we are doing. That doesn’t mean I get to make a rule for everyone else and demand they show respect my way or view them as not quite as spiritual as me. On the other hand, others may prefer to dress more casually for any number of reasons. They don’t get to look down on me as old-fashioned or traditionalistic and make up a rule that I have to dress down to be really spiritual like them. As I am making judgments about how to live my life where God has provided principles but not drawn exact lines, I have to take some real care about acting like I’m God. I’m not (aren’t you thankful?).

I think if we can all remember that we are not the master, we are not God, relationships in Christ’s body would probably all be just a bit smoother. If we can remember that we are just fellow servants with one another, brothers and sisters, and approach each other with that attitude, even great differences might be resolved better.

The next time you are approaching someone else with God’s word, take a moment to remind yourself, “I’m not their God.” I bet it helps.