This past Sunday, I was teaching a class on leadership. The whole crux of the lesson was “Good leaders develop followers; Great leaders develop other leaders.” That seems so profound in the congregational setting. But then it hit me. What about my kids? Am I training them to be followers or leaders.
Now I know where your mind just went. You thought I was talking about whether or not they will follow the crowd at school or whether they will lead the crowd. While that is good point too, I was actually thinking of where I may have a deeper problem in child-rearing.
Am I training my children simply to follow me or am I empowering them to be able to lead themselves?
Am I training them to do what they think is right or am I training them to do what I think is right? Am I empowering them to think for themselves or am I squelching their creativity? Are they ever allowed to disagree with me? Should they be allowed to disagree with me? Or am I teaching them to simply step in line behind me?
I don’t want my children to simply be followers, even if they are just following me. Yes, I want to positively influence them. But, really, I want them to be leaders. That may mean they don’t stay in lockstep behind me.
So, how do I help train them to be leaders?
Let me know what you think.
As a homeschooling mother I have considered this topic. It is a huge responsibility to be the loudest (and sometimes only) voice into a child's developing conscience! I don't want to be authoritarian. I don't want my strong personality and ethics to become a burden for my children to take up and carry. My beliefs are hard-won, over time. My children need to come by their convictions as I did, so I have to learn how to guide their education while staying detached from their inner thought life. It is a balance.
I think the answer to growing leaders will vary with each child and each relationship. For my oldest son, a two-pronged approach is working.
The first part is Civil Air Patrol. I drop him off with strong men and boys who are there to inspire each other toward excellent standards of integrity and leadership. They give Nathaniel opportunities to do hard things, and they recognize his efforts and achievements. They do this all with great pomp, circumstance, and danger, and I just drop him off and let him go. And let him grow.
The other part is classical education. When Nathaniel disagrees with home beliefs on any topic, the first question is, "Well, who agrees with you? Who else has seen the world this way, and what were the results when their perspective ruled? Where does this line of thinking end?" He has studied the history of the world, our nation, and Christianity. He has studied poetry, theology, and logic. He knows about politics and about various forms of government in kingdoms of men.
For Nathaniel, the impetuous, selfish opinion is always the wrong one. He has a right to any reasoned, historical opinion, and I never belittle him as he sorts things out in his mind. That is how his heroes solve their problems and make their decisions. In other words, he is learning to think and lead in the manner of the men he admires.
Right now, my experience and common sense often trump his logic, but I do not think that will be true for long. He is becoming wiser than his mother. He is more just, because he has learned to think with real logic through a Christian lens. He is more confident and firm in his convictions because he has been taught since early childhood that he will be accountable for his actions and beliefs, therefore those actions and beliefs must be owned by him alone. The goal is not to please Mama or Daddy, but rather to please God and be true to self.
#2 son, Jonas, is a different kettle of fish entirely. He is gentle and good, he tends to see clearly without needing much input from others, and he seems to need a smaller cloud of witnesses cheering him on to do what is right. Classical education muddles his thinking! Too many voices. The companionship of a few good books and constant re-reading of the Bible are working for him.
This is what he said to me the other day: "Mama, I have been thinking about leadership and I don't think I am intended to be a great leader. I don't want to be out in front. I want to be like the blessed man in Psalm 1, but avoiding temptation and just standing will probably take most of my time. I do want to learn how to help others stand as well, and to notice and catch them if they are falling."
So for him, the song in my mind is, "Glory, hallelujah, I shall not be moved, Anchored in Jehovah…" I'm helping him to trust himself and find his voice. Jonas is the sheep listening for the voice of the Good Shepherd.
Which brother is stronger? The leader or the listener? And who will lead the most to Jesus Christ? Only He knows.
Edwin, this is a great question. I loved the previous comment, by the way.
I have a particular elder of the church in mind. He's a great leader. He not only helps folks make decisions, but he mentors people (myself included) in giving that same help to others. For instance, I have been with him as we work with individuals going through various spiritual issues. After our discussions, we sit down and talk about the discussion again. He gives me more information about WHY he took the conversation in a particular direction or why he did NOT address a particular issue right then.
I can do the same thing with my kids. When we read together, go visiting our neighbors and friends, have people in our home, etc, they should see in me a model of the correct behavior. But to go beyond the modeling, I need to have private conversations with them explaining WHY I said something or why I did not say something. I shape their understanding in this way.
Of course, this becomes more and more challenging as they grow older…
Amy and Nathan, very profound thoughts.
I really like the idea of allowing our kids to study for themselves the outcome of their thinking and habits. That was truly profound.
Also, great point about having the meeting after the meeting. That is, after whatever has happened taking time with the kids to debrief and discuss what happened and why.
Thanks for the powerful input.
Anyone else?
Amy, can you give some specific examples of disagreements and the way you went about having Nathaniel study it out? Thanks.