I’m going to take a quick break today from our series on the Jerusalem church. I am presently reading Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
The single most dramatic difference between healthy and toxic family systems is the amount of freedom that exists for family members to express themselves as individuals. Healthy families encourage individuality, personal responsibility, and independence. they encourage the development of their children’s sense of adequacy and self-respect.
Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the toxic parents. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of family members to know where one ends and another begins. In their efforts to be close, they often suffocate one another’s individuality.
–Read on my Kindle
, Location 2644-2653.
As I was reading, the thought came to me about congregations. Doesn’t this apply to congregations to? Consider the following adaptation.
The single most dramatic difference between healthy and toxic congregational systems is the amount of freedom that exists for the congregation’s members to express themselves as individuals. Healthy churches encourage individuality, personal responsibility, and independence. they encourage the development of their members’ sense of adequacy and self-respect.
Unhealthy churches discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the elders/preacher/brotherhood concensus/watchdogs. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of church members to know where one ends and another begins. In their efforts to be close, they often suffocate one another’s individuality.
That just really hit me and I thought I’d share. What do you think about it?
By the way, there are definitely associate links in this post. Help a guy with two housepayments out and click on one of them to buy some stuff.
*While I highly recommend Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
Very interesting, Edwin. A lot of churches do promote the "drone" mentality of conformity to a single picture of what a "Christian" should be. C.S. Lewis made some great points in his book, Mere Christianity. He observed that Christians should have MORE of their own personality than non-Christians. I'll let you read the book to get his full perspective on it – it's great.
I think that analogy is right on the mark! I also think that is why God requires an elder to have been successful in raising a healthy family. To "train" children in the toxic way takes "other-control" rather than self-control, impatience rather than patience, and a host of other character flaws. To be an elder requires a good character which includes self-control and patience. If an elder doesn't have those good character traits, he'll lead the congregation in the same toxic way as he led his family. It's sad that there are congregations where members are not allowed to speak the whole truth of the Word of God, because elders are afraid the members might follow truth instead of tradition.
It is sad, but every person that I've talked to that I can think of who fell away from the Lord during their teenage years or early twenties, fell away due to that type of toxic environment in their home and congregation. It's the opposite of love, and they "get that," but because they have never been trained in love, they don't know how to combat it, and it's very discouraging and suffocating, so they leave. But, they know it's not love. They know it's wrong, so they label those authority figures hypocrites, and they want love, so they go searching for it elsewhere. Of course, they could find it in the Word of God and learn from Him and become an example to the church, but that doesn't tend to happen. I can't think of a problem in the church that causes more of a stumbling block than this. We sure don't see this in the Jerusalem church, from what I can see. There is a book called "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It's written similar to the book you referred to including him using clients' foul language. He recognizes and has answers for this problem. Too bad the church can't seem to get and understand this toxic way of living. Parents tend to parent the way they were parented, and the cycle repeats itself. We seem to have bought some message that we should shame our children into obeying. We parent and "run" the church out of fear…fear that there will be differing opinions and our way won't be followed or we'll be rejected, and I'm sure much more.
Hey Nathan, I have read that book, but it has been a really long time. I guess I need to dust it off and read it again. Obviously, as we grow as Christians, we'll conform to the image of Christ. So there will be similarities. I think the issue is one of control. If we think someone is stepping out of line, we want to bring the hammer down to get them back in line. Usually, however, it just causes them either to dig in their heals and rebel all the more or it strips them of their freedom in Christ and their relationship with Christ becomes more about fear of getting blasted than being loved by God.
Gayle, thanks for adding your perspective. I've also read the Bradshaw book, but it was sometime last year. I need to get it out again and read it. I think your assessment is correct. I think you hit the nail on the head when you bring up the idea of shaming someone into obeying. When we do that in the congregation, we are not helping someone grow in Christ. We are forcing them to conform to us.
One of the big problem is we think that we have discovered all truth and if someone even remotely questions it, we fear for them and start trying to get them back in line using any means we can. In this way even noble goals are destroyed by improper means. I know it is scary letting everyone question and pursue their questions. We are afraid we will lose control and the church will be thrown into anarchy. However, we need to learn to trust God and the truth. His gospel really can save honest people who question. We just need to let God do His work through the Gospel.