I once heard a story about a Bible class. The teacher asked, “Jimmy, what is furry, has a bushy tail, collects nuts and lives in trees?” Jimmy thought to himself, “Well, that sounds like a squirrel, but this is Bible class…” Out loud he replied, “Jesus.”
How often do people, especially children, not share what they really think, but rather give us the answer they think we want to hear. This happened to me on Sunday. You may have read yesterday’s post about foul language. On the way home from preaching that lesson, I asked Tessa (my 11 year old daughter) if she had any questions.
“Nope.”
I pushed a little more, “Do you have any questions about any of the words I suggested were bad?”
“No, why would I have questions?”
That tipped me off. “Hmmm, I thought. Are there really no questions or is she wanting me to believe she just has no questions because she wants me to think she always agrees with me or is afraid I’ll think badly of her.”
I pushed a little harder, “Well, I just know in the past you’ve had questions about certain words and I was hoping this lesson might have helped you think about them. Are you saying you don’t have any questions because you don’t or because you think that’s what I want to hear?”
“Well, I was wondering about…”
Then a great conversation followed about what kind of language we could use. We talked about some words she just shouldn’t ever say based on clear principles from the Bible, some words she isn’t allowed to say while living under my roof because even though I can’t absolutely prove they violate a principle I feel pretty strongly that they do, some words that we need to be careful about around others because we know they have conscience about them and some words I said I would leave up to her to say even now.
No, we didn’t solve any world problems but we did have a great conversation and I think I really helped her think about her language. I certainly helped her think about it way more than had I just said, “Don’t say this, it’s bad,” and then shut down any questions she had about it. Further, I think she is much more likely to live within the bounds of our family rules having heard my honest reasons for them–even if she disagrees with them.
I get some great pointers about parenting from this:
- Don’t just accept it when your kids go along with you. Push and make sure that is really what they are feeling and thinking.
- Ask your kids questions to help see what is really on their heart.
- Let your kids know you still love them even if they disagree with you.
- Be honest. Too many parents bluster and bluff when they make a point but don’t really have any solid footing for their opinion. Kids can see through this (or will when they think logically). When they do, they won’t just discount this one issue, but most of what you ever said.
- Let your kids ask questions and then answer them. Certainly, there is a time for “Because I said so,” but if you want to make a lasting impression on them, carry on the honest dialogue.
- Don’t feel like the conversation has to end with your child agreeing with you. Sure, there is a place for the child to behave in line with your opinion even if they disagree with it. However, I do not have to verbally beat my child into agreeing with me to have a positive successful conversation.
- Let your child know you appreciate him/her being honest with you. This will encourage more of the same in the future.
Great points. My problem is that the thought of having such discussions is threatening because they become time-consuming. And there are so many other things that seem more important at the time. I guess the first step is caring enough about raising your kids to be godly that you seek the discussion.
Thanks for that, Terry. I too get caught up in my own doing and achieving that I that I decide to put off conversations with my kids. I guess that is why it is a good idea to take your kids with you in the car when you go places. I can't do anything in the car, might as well talk. Reminds me of talking to our kids while walking in the way of Deuteronomy 6:7.