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The Parent Factor: 6 Keys to Helping Your Kids Get the Most Out of Bible Class

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I want to thank Clay Gentry for providing today’s guest post.

The Parent Factor

For a child to grow into a mature Christian it takes more than a good Bible class curriculum, a prepared and competent teacher, and a couple of hours of Bible class each week. The most important factor in a child’s spiritual development is what we will call the Parent Factor. The parent is the one who helps their child gain the most from good Bible class curriculum, excellent teachers, and the benefit of scheduled Bible class with the church. Here are six ways you can be the Parent Factor and help your child gain the most from Bible class.

1.     Know what your child is learning.

You can’t help your child get more from their Bible classes if you don’t know what they are learning. This can be done several ways. First, get involved by talking to your child’s teacher before or after class to gain a perspective on the material/story that was covered. Second, pay attention to the take homes your child brings to you after class. These are valuable in helping you learn what your child was taught and they reinforce the child’s memory of the lessons.

2.     When reviewing your child’s Bible class lessons, ask open-ended questions.

When helping your child review their lessons it’s important to ask the right kind of questions. Use open-ended questions that have your child recall information they learned instead of closed-ended question which only require a “yes” or a “no” answer. If your child’s teacher told you that they talked about Noah building the ark, some good questions for your child would be “Who built the ark?”; “Why did Noah build the ark?”; “What did Noah put in the ark?”; etc. Open-ended questions are a great way to help your child remember their bible class material.

3.     Have a consistent time for Bible study at home.

Having a consistent Bible study time at home works well for teaching your child the importance of studying scriptures outside of the assembly. Use extra lessons from church as your material. This provides you an opportunity to follow along with your child’s class and helps to reinforce lessons learned. You can keep your child’s take home activities each week and put them in a binder or scrapbook to use as visual prompts to help your child recall Bible stories that have been covered. Plus it also makes for a great memory book later on for both you and your child.

4.     Use songs to teach your child important Bible concepts and facts. 

Learn the songs that your child sings in Bible class and teach them some new ones. Teaching children songs helps them remember Bible passages (The Wise Man Built His House Upon The Rock); Bible concepts (O Be Careful Little Eyes); and Bible stories (Zaccheus Was a Wee Little Man). Once you know the songs, sing them with your child. Sing them in the car; when you’re walking; when you’re playing; sing them all the time. By doing this you will help build your child’s faith in what they are learning by showing them that the Bible and its lessons are not just for church, but for all times.

5.     Read Bible stories to your child with inflection.

Read them with voices for each character, and with voice inflections for different phrases. Young children need help in visualizing what is being read to them. This is why we use pictures in teaching them Bible stories. Similarly, you can use distinct voices for each character and good inflection for statements when reading to them. This helps your child better understand what is being read because the stories come alive with depth and richness of sound. Your child will be able to better remember the Bible stories that you read together.

6.     Pray about it.

The foundation of all that we do should be prayer. Pray for your child’s Bible class teacher. Pray for your child. Pray for yourself. And pray with your child that God will grant both of you wisdom and understanding of His word. The first five points will help your child remember their Bible class material but they should be coupled with prayer.

Don’t ever doubt the Parent Factor in a successful Bible class program. Parents invest a great deal to help children gain the most from Bible classes. The teachers appreciate it. The children grow by it. God is glorified through it. So parents, make the difference. Be the defining factor.

Why We Should Always Ask Questions First and Discipline Later

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A friend of mine tells a story on himself that I have to share with you. I won’t include any names in order to protect the innocent (and guilty). I’m just glad every once in a while I get to use someone else as an example instead of always having to use me.

Anyway, this good brother had taught his children not to take the Lord’s name in vain…ever. He had even taught against the popular euphemisms for the Lord’s name. He wanted his family to always accord the Lord the very highest respect. 

How embarrassed and shocked he was when at a picnic he heard his young son hollering almost at the top of his lungs, “Oh my God!” The crime had been committed. The witnesses were everywhere. Punishment must be administered. He yanked up his son and paddled him on the spot. A moment later his wife approached and said, “Hon, he was singing the new song I taught him. You know the part that says ‘Oh my God, I trust in thee.'” As my friend shared the story, I could tell, he still felt small for that one. I felt small for him. I uttered a little prayer of thanksgiving that I’m not the only dad who blows it sometimes.

But the reason God let’s us make mistakes is to learn from them. Certainly, we dads have every responsibility to discipline our children. A good time to practice discipline is when God is disrespected. However, the extreme nature of this story demonstrates a point we need always remember. Even when it seems obvious that our children have done something wrong, we need to get the facts first. Even when it seems absolutely clear our children have violated the rules and crossed the boundaries, we need to press the pause button, calm down, and find out the complete story. 

We must not react out of embarrassment, anger, wrath, pride, or any other emotion that prompts hasty discipline. If after investigation, we learn our children have indeed crossed the boundary, then we should discipline them for their good (Hebrews 12:9-10). It will still have its value. Discipline doesn’t have to be absolutely immediate for it to be effective. We can take time to investigate and make sure the discipline is warranted.

When we press the pause button, we will certainly avoid unnecessary guilt for messing up. Fortunately, our children are resilient and forgiving. When we apologize and ask for forgiveness, they are usually quick to give it. But, it certainly makes us feel better if we get a handle on the situation first.

Pray through the Bible with Your Family

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Seemingly, one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is to pass on spiritual disciplines such as daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve heard many state they don’t have time. I’ve heard many state they just keep putting it off. However, perhaps the most often used reason is, “I just don’t know how.” Today’s springboard for your family will provide you an excellent practical way to pass on both spiritual disciplines at one time.

Why Bother?

However, before I give you that tool, let’s first back up and understand that this is not homework. This is not an issue of having to study and pray enough to be good enough to go to heaven. This is not an issue of if we miss a day, we’ll go to hell. Do you remember what Peter said to Jesus in John 6:68 when Jesus had asked if the disciples wanted to leave Him? Peter said Jesus had the words of life, where else would they go? We don’t study the Bible to be good enough to go to heaven. We study the Bible because it contains Jesus’ words of life. There is no other source for life. Thus, if we don’t get in the word, we’ll have death.

In like manner, note Psalm 145:18: “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” If the Lord is near those who call on Him, what does that mean about those who don’t? We do not pray to be good enough to go to heaven. We pray because that is what draws us close to God. If we are not close to God, the adversary will eat us for lunch.

We don’t do these things as a checklist to get the right things done. We do them because life is contained in these disciplines. If we don’t do them, we’ll die. Think of it like insulin for the diabetic. The diabetic doesn’t take insulin because he/she has to, has been assigned to, or wants to be good enough. Absolutely not. Rather, the diabetic takes insulin because without it the result is a diabetic coma and death. These disciplines are our medicine that keep us connected to the real power of God.

So, are you ready for this revolutionary tool to help you practice these disciplines and pass them on to your children? I admit, I adapted this from my good friend David Banning, who in turn, took it from the creators of the Our Spiritual Heritage Bible class curriculum. We call it “Praying through the Bible.” Here’s how it works.

Praying through the Bible

Gather your family together and let each person have a sheet of paper. On the sheet of paper write five sentence starters with space in between.

“Dear God, You are…”

“Dear God, You…”

“Dear God, forgive me for…”

“Dear God, thank you for…”

“Dear God, help…”

Then, have someone read a section of scripture. You may read a whole chapter. You may read a whole story. You may read a few verses that contain some powerful messages. As the reading is being done, have everyone work on completing those sentences based upon the reading.

For example: Read Genesis 1. You might finish the sentences in this way.

“Dear God, You are the creator of all things and the giver of life.”

“Dear God, You created the world and everything in it.”

“Dear God, forgive me for not taking better care of Your creation and not giving You the proper praise for Your great power and might.”

“Dear God, thank You for providing such a wonderful world, perfectly suited for us to live.”

“Dear God, help my faith in You as creator and sovereign Lord of the universe grow every day.”

Trust me, you’ll be amazed at the answers your children come up with.

When you are done with the reading, discuss what everyone has written down. Can you see how this part is great Bible study. Without saying, “We’re going to study Genesis 1,” you have studied and discussed it with your children. After discussing the passage, go around the room and let everyone pray. I always tell my children that they can pray about whatever they want, but we do want them to be sure to pray through what they have written down. You might even keep a journal of what everyone says so you can look back over what you’ve learned and prayed about.

By the way, if your children didn’t come up with an ending for some of the sentences, don’t worry about it. As they hear yours, they’ll get better at it.

Yes, this takes some time. Yes, this takes some work. Yes, it will take some discipline from us as parents. But it will be worth it. It will revolutionize your family prayer life.

Thanks for jumping on today’s springboard. I hope it gives you a great boost in your family life.

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs Pt 2–Teach Them to Trust

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We continue our series on the three unhealthy family rules, by which too many families live.

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

Last week, we pointed out living by these rules are some of the biggest causes of addictions as we grow up. These are the reasons that some people can go through detox, endure the withdrawal period, seem to be clean, come home and go right back to their addiction. It’s more than physical. Because they learned they weren’t supposed to feel, learned not to trust and learned not to talk, they have nowhere to turn to deal with the feelings coming up, so they medicate them.

We learned about how we can teach our children not to feel in part 1. In just the same way, we must teach our children to trust. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, you can’t have vulnerability. Without vulnerability, you can’t have emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy. Without emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy you can’t have a good relationship.

Of course, some are saying, “You have to be careful teaching your kids to trust people. They can really get hurt.” See, you learned this lesson while growing up too.

“Oh no, I’ve never taught my children not to trust me or not to trust anyone.” Good, I hope that’s the case. I know for me, I’ve violated this rule too many times and I’ve seen it violated.

Let me share 8 ways we teach our children not to trust.

1. Gossip

Not gossiping about our kids. Gossiping about other people in front of our kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They can see when we treat others well to their faces and then talk about all their flaws, faults and problems behind their backs. What do we think they learn from that? They can only surmise we do the same to them. All those nice things we say to their faces won’t mean squat because they’re sure we must be talking badly about them behind their backs. 

Additionally, since most of their relationships are going to be fundamentally based on what they learn from us, they’ll think everyone must do that. Everyone must gossip. Everyone must say nice things to their faces but bad things behind their backs. It will be hard for anyone to break through that wall and gain their trust.

We must watch what we say to and about others. Our kids are learning to trust or not.

2. Belittling

This ties in with the Don’t Feel rule. Have you ever laughed at your child when they shared that something hurt them or bothered them? That is so easy to do. Their problems are so small. To us they seem insignificant and humorous. In the big scheme of things they may not matter that much. But they matter that much to them. If we belittle them by laughing at them when they open up to share their feelings, they learn not to trust us with their feelings.

Or what about this practical example. One of our children confides in us that she kind of likes a certain boy. Then every time we see that boy we needle the child. “Oh look, there’s so and so.” Or even worse, “Hey so and so, look who’s here.” What have we told our daughter? “I can’t be trusted with your feelings about boys. Don’t share anything with me, I’ll only hurt or embarrass you with it.”

3. Mocking

When emotions come out, they can be…well…emotional. In our culture, truly expressing emotions is not the norm (which will lead us directly into the Don’t Talk rule that will come next week), therefore when they come out we might mock them. 

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Quit being such a sensitive girl.” Or worse, we might even mock their crying and then laugh at them. With little children their attempts to express their anger can easily come off seeming a little silly. The last thing we want to do is make fun of their expressions of anger. To add insult to injury, how often do we store up the story of our child’s emotions to share with our spouses when they get home. We tell the story and share a good laugh at the child’s expense. 

All our kids learn from this is we can’t be trusted with their feelings.

4. Betraying confidences

Sometimes we can feel our kids’ secrets are not nearly as important as ours. Who really cares if we tell our friends about our son’s girl troubles or about our daughter’s fears when she had her first menstrual cycle? It’s not like these are issues of national security. We know no one will look down on them. Those really aren’t big deals. 

Once again, it is to our kids. We need to remember how we felt when we were kids. Sharing these kinds of secrets was big stuff. We were laying our heart on the line. We were making ourselves extremely vulnerable. I know that as we got older and started dealing with bigger things we came to believe those issues weren’t so big. But back then they were huge. Even though one day our kids will also come to realize those things were not that big, the feeling of betrayal will linger even when they can’t remember why. They’ll learn not to trust others.

5. Broken promises

How do we feel when someone tells us they will do something and then they don’t? For our kids it is ten times worse when their own parent makes a promise and then breaks it. Our children don’t have the mental capacity or experience to understand about our work and other responsibilities. They just know we promised and we didn’t follow through. 

The first thing this means is we need to be careful what we promise and commit to. If we’re loose with making promises and commitments we can’t keep, our kids will lose trust. Keep in mind, you don’t have to say, “I promise” for a child to think we’ve promised. If we say we’re going to do something, we had better do it. Otherwise, our kids learn people can’t be trusted to do what they say.

Certainly, there are times when promises get broken and we couldn’t help it. In these cases, we must validate and affirm our child’s feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal. Don’t berate them for their feelings. Remember how you feel when someone brakes a promise to you. Then apologize and make an amends. Don’t offer excuses and justifications. Make amends and ask for forgiveness. But don’t let this become a habit. I believe our children are resilient. But I also believe they are smart. They can see when you just have a habit of lying but then trying to make nice to get out of it.

6. Overreaction to mistakes

I am certainly a believer in corporal punishment. I believe there is a time to use the rod of discipline. However, if we hold our kids to adult standards and then overreact with discipline because they acted like kids, they’ll learn to fear, not trust us. I believe our children have a sense of justice. They can learn early on that misbehavior warrants appropriate discipline. My wife and I have had great conversations with our kids in which we agreed together about disciplinary measures for certain issues of disobedience and rebellion.

Sadly, some of us don’t react with appropriate discipline. We overreact because we’re angry, inconvenienced, frustrated, embarrassed. In these cases, our children learn we can’t be trusted with their mistakes. If we yell, scream and belittle because our child accidentally spilled his milk, telling him accidents wouldn’t happen if he just paid more attention, we shouldn’t be surprised when our child doesn’t want to come talk to us when he’s older and has made some really big mistakes. How many prodigals don’t make the trip home because they learned early on they couldn’t trust their parents with their mistakes.

7. Don’t believe them

I know this is tough. Our kids don’t have a highly developed sense of morality. They haven’t figured out the morality of telling truth and lies. So sometimes they will lie out of self-preservation. They’re not actively choosing to be immoral, they’re just kids. That being the case, we sometimes run on the default belief that our kids aren’t telling the truth. Perhaps we are afraid that others will think we’re being soft with our kids. 

I recall one time when an adult called to tell me about how my daughter was picking on her grandson. The truth of the matter was the boys had been picking on the girls first and the girls were just retaliating out of a sense of self-defense. What would have happened if I had ignored my daughter’s explanation and assumed she was lying? I would have taught her that I don’t trust her. I would haver taught her that I don’t trust people. If I don’t trust people, why should she?

8. Don’t trust them

Too many parents codependently follow their kids around checking up on them to make sure they did what they said, did it the right way, did it the parents’ way. They don’t trust their kids to do what’s right and it is betrayed in the way they deal with them. Every conversation is a cross-examination about whereabouts, who are you withs and what are you doings.

Look, I know it’s tough. We are concerned for our kids. However, what we need to work on is modeling right behavior, teaching right behavior, preparing them to face temptations and then trusting them to do the right thing. This is increasingly true the older our children get and should be a way of life for us once they are grown and out of our house. 

Here’s the key, if we’ve let them learn it is okay to feel and then to trust, when they make mistakes, they’ll know. They’ll feel guilty and they’ll talk to us about it. Then we have opportunity to let them learn positively from their mistakes. Taking the other approach is a vicious cycle. When we show our children we don’t trust, they won’t trust us. They’ll do wrong things but be afraid to talk to us about it. Then they’ll just sit in their shame and guilt. Having no healthy release for these feelings, they’ll look to medicate them by pursuing those same mistakes that got them here in the first place. The less we trust them, the less they trust us, the more mistakes they make, the more they look rebellious, the less we trust them…

 

Yes, it is true. Sooner or later, when we teach our children to trust, they’ll get burned by someone. However, if we’ve lived in such a way that they can trust us, they’ll talk to us about it and we can help them through it in a healthy way.

If you really want to keep your kids away from addictions, let them feel and be trustable. As I said last week, there is no fool proof formula. However, when you follow this, you’ll give your kids a leg up against addiction. Additionally, you’ll give them a leg up for serenity and peace in their marriage, relationships and life.