God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

parenting

4 Keys to Help Your Kids Feel Special

by Leave a Comment

I spend most of my time afraid I’m warping my kids for life. Most of the folks around me fear the same thing. However, every once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope. Maybe I’m not doing absolutely everything wrong.

Ethan, our 10 year old, is one of the most creative people I know. He writes stories and makes up games. He’s been doing this for years. It has just been natural to recognize this creativity. A few months ago, Marita and I talked about it and decided to be purposeful about commenting on this unique gift he has and prompting him to nurture it through practice and work. When we have our family meetings or when we are just talking with him, we’ve looked for opportunities to praise and encourage his creativity. 

Two things have happened in the past week that helped me see this is working.

1) We were playing Apples to Apples (yes, that is an affiliate link, hey, I’ve got to make a living somehow, right?) Each player is given 7 red cards with different nouns on them (e.g. the 1970s, Martin Luther King Jr., my family, gorillas). A green card is turned over with some kind of adjective on it (e.g. playful, wicked, hot, delicious). Each player submits a green card with what they think most closely links to the target adjective. The judge for the round picks out the one he/she thinks most closely fits the target word. 

Anyway, the target adjective was “Creative” and Ethan quietly said to me, “If one of my green cards said ‘Me’ on it, I’d play that one.” Yes! My son believes he is creative. 

2) The other day Ethan and I were talking in the kitchen. I think I was doing the dishes. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but it had something to do with some creative thing he had done. I commented on his creativity. He said, “You know, Dad, it makes me feel special when someone talks about me being creative.” Yes! My son feels special.

This really all happened quite by accident. Here we are fumbling and stumbling our way through this parenting thing and we hit on a success. I shared these stories with Marita the other day in our family meeting time (before meeting with the kids) and talked about how we are doing a good job with Ethan on this, but perhaps not as good with the others. Now we need to start paying more attention to the others and find the unique gifts and talents they have to help them feel special as well.

Here are 4 Keys I learned about helping your kids feel special from this.

  1. Observe them closely and discover their God-given uniqueness.
  2. Ask them what makes them feel special
  3. Comment on it, praise it, encourage it frequently
  4. Give your kids lots of smiles and hugs as you do the rest of this.

By the way, what makes you feel special?

For Dad So Loved His Family That He…

by Leave a Comment

John 3:16 is probably the most well-known and oft-quoted verse in the Bible (except perhaps Matthew 7:1). We all know it: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” That verse provides great comfort and encouragement for me. However, it hit me a little different today. 

My heavenly Father loved me so much, He gave His only begotten Son so I might live. That made me wonder, if my kids were writing a book what might they be able to say about me.

“Dad so loved us kids that he…”

What would they say?

I don’t have much to add to that right now. I just wanted you thinking about it too.

The #1 Reason Your Family Should Own a Dog

by 1 Comment

I'm not sure why Tessa looks so sad here.

I’ve always been opposed to dogs. It’s not that I don’t think they are cute and all when they’re young. I’ve just had numerous reasons for which owning one would be a bad idea. Here are a few:

1. They smell
2. They mess on the carpet
3. They smell
4. They have to be dealt with when you go on trips
5. Vet bills
6. The kids won’t take care of a dog no matter how much they promise to
7. The wife won’t take care of a dog no matter how much she promises to
8. I’ll be stuck taking care of the dog
9. They chew up things
10. Did I mention that they smell?

Anyway, a couple of months ago, we saw a red dachshund that looked just like the dog Marita grew up with. It was suddenly 4 against 1 and I caved. We now own a dog. Yes, I have become attached (another reason I didn’t want a dog). I am very thankful that my good friend, Matt Hicks, let me borrow his copy of Cesar Millan’s Mastering Leadership DVDs (yes, that is an affiliate link). I’ve watched the first one and learned the importance of walking the dog. It has been a tremendous help dealing with little Oscar.

However, the #1 reason your family should own a dog was impressed upon me last Saturday. I opened the fridge expecting to find the four root beers we had left from our vacation last week, one for each of the children and me for lunch. However, there was only one. Tessa had taken three of them while we weren’t paying attention. She had drunk two and given her friend one. Then I looked at the counter and noticed she had finished, without asking, the salt and vinegar Pringles (my favorite). AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!

I’ve been working on angry outbursts. Ephesians 4:31 says I need to put away wrath and clamoring. I have a problem with those and have been working on them. When I saw the one root beer and the empty Pringles can, my blood started to boil. Marita saw what was happening and stepped in with a great suggestion, “Edwin, why don’t you take the dog for a walk?”

“Good idea,” I said through gritted teeth. I walked the dog around the block. It took about 20 minutes (it’s a big block). In that time I was able to recognize that three root beers and some Pringles were not worth the emotional damage I was going to cause with an angry outburst. I developed a plan for talking to Tessa.

When I got home, I calmly explained that she did not have the right or entitlement to raid our fridge or pantry any time she wanted. We, her mom and I, often have plans for the items in there. Before she’s allowed to eat or drink something, she has to ask and make sure it is not disrupting any of our plans for the food and drinks. I also explained that the next time that happened there would be disciplinary measures taken since we had now talked about it and she understood what was being asked of her. She agreed. We’ll see if it happens again.

Of course, the point here is having a dog to walk is a great thing. First, because I’m getting more exercise with that dog than I’ve been getting for a long time. But second and most importantly, the number one reason to have a dog is to take it for walks when you are about to have an angry outburst. Walk, breathe deeply, think about the situation and resolve the problem. Then come back to your family and deal with the situation properly.

The Most Frightening Thing I’ve Ever Heard as a Parent

by 1 Comment

I’ve heard some very frightening things as a parent. I’ve heard about statistics for teenage pregnancies, teenage drug-use, child molestation. I’ve seen shows about children being kidnapped. I’ve heard stories about children being hurt. But none of this even comes close to the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard as a parent.

Nope. One statement takes the cake. John Maxwell said it. I can’t remember what book or lesson it was in. I just know he’s the one I heard it from and I know it has stuck with me for a long time. It is really having a big impact on me today because yesterday Marita and I had to get onto all of our kids regarding how they were treating each other. I was listening to us as we especially tried to explain to Tessa how the way she acts influences others. When we were saying that, this one frightening statement hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I’m sure it won’t scare some of you the way it frightens me, but I want to put it out there for you to think upon and grow wise.

Are you ready?

“We teach what we know, we reproduce what we are.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I wish I could run and hide. Here’s what I’ve taken from it. Before I can even remotely try to fix my kids, I’ve got to work on me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I still have to step up and teach my kids what I know. But before I arrogantly wonder how on earth kids that behave like this came from me, I should spend a little more time looking at me honestly.

There Was Only One Jesus, And He’s Not One Of Our Kids

by 11 Comments

When last I checked, there was only one child ever born of a virgin. When last I checked, there was only one child that received the angelic announcement that he would be the Son of the Most High. When last I checked, only one mother and father got to look at their child and say, “That’s my boy, he’s perfect.” When last I checked, there was only one Jesus and He wasn’t one of my children and He’s not one of yours.

This provides me with a sad realization. No matter how hard I try, no matter how good I parent, no matter what choices I make, my children are going to end up being sinners just like me. I hate to break it to you, your kids are going to end up being sinners just like you.

Since before I was married (14 years and 3 months ago), I’ve witnessed and been involved in discussions with people about parenting. Sadly, these discussions almost always end up in fights. I’ve seen this increase since my kids arrived on the scene (12 years and 1 month ago). In fact, the longer I witness these conversations, the more amazed I become at how silly parents can be in their arguments. We’ll argue over natural childbirth versus hospital birth with pain meds. We’ll argue over nursing versus bottle-feeding. We’ll argue over cloth versus disposable diapers. We’ll argue over co-sleeping versus crib sleeping. We’ll argue over home-schooling versus public-schooling. We’ll argue over memory verses versus no memory verses (did you keep that one straight?) We’ll argue over slings vs. strollers. We argue over these things tooth and toenail as if our very souls depended on these things even though scripture never once tells us which of these things is the right way to parent.

WHY?!!! Why is there all of this parental arguing?

I think I’ve finally figured it out. We are all in a big competition. We all believe what we are doing is right. Therefore, if someone else made a different choice, they are wrong. But even worse than that, we assume they feel the same way. They must think they are right and we are wrong. We can’t have that now can we? Oh no, we have to prove to them that they are wrong and if they want to be right they have to be like us. We won’t be satisfied until they come groveling to us, admitting our superiority as parents. So we add argument on top of argument. We twist scriptures. We find a biblical principle and then coat it with our human reasoning and act like our reasoning is as good as God’s command. 

Through it all we are hanging on to see how our kids turn out so we can prove our way was best. Sadly, while on the outside we offer condolences when some other child really screws up, on the inside we rejoice with sadistic glee saying over and over again, “I told you so, I told you so.” How sad.

What I have discovered is good parents raise bad kids sometimes and bad parents raise good kids sometimes. But no parents raise perfect kids anytime. 

Here’s the deal. I don’t care if you nurse or bottle feed, cloth or disposably diaper, sling or stroller, co-sleep or crib sleep, homeschool or publicly school your kids, they are all going to sin. There’s only one Jesus and He’s not any of our kids. So, please, quit trying to act like you are perfectly parenting your children so they will grow up to be perfect. Quit trying to act like if my children are going to be okay when they grow up, I have to make all the same choices you do. I don’t mind discussions that weigh pros and cons, but please, cut out the demanding that yours is the only way to raise healthy kids.

Please, don’t misunderstand. I realize we parents are a huge influence in our children’s lives. I realize we need to provide a great example for them so they might have their heads screwed on straight when they grow up. I’m not saying we take an approach that says our kids are going to sin anyway so just let them and even provide them the paraphernalia. All I’m saying is please, humble yourself a bit to recognize that your children won’t be perfect. There is no way you will raise them up to be the sinless child you want them to be. With that realization in mind, cut the parents around you who think differently about some things a little slack. Maybe, just maybe, their kids will end up being sinners just like yours.

Finally, with this in mind. Cut yourself some slack. You aren’t going to be the perfect parent. Neither am I. Your soul’s salvation doesn’t depend on raising the perfect kids. Release some of that pressure, quit worrying about what everyone else will think about you when your kids mess up. Quit training your kids in ways that say they have to be perfect. Quit biting their heads off when they aren’t. Instead, lay the groundwork that tells them what to do when they aren’t perfect. But that gets into another post.

Go home, do your best. Let other parents do their best without all your busybodying. Rejoice with those who rejoice in their parenting and weep with those who weep. Pray for every parent you know, not that they’ll be just like you, but that they’ll be what God wants them to be.

Don’t Make Rash Promises about Your Family

by 1 Comment

I am always humbled when I read a passage I’ve read dozens of times and suddenly realize I hadn’t quite gotten it before. I am just now arriving at my office from a great Bible study with some other men. We looked at Ecclesiastes 5:1-9. I’ve read this passage about making vows I don’t know how many times. I’ve taught it in classes and referenced it in sermons. However, it was not until this morning as we were discussing that it hit me what this passage was saying. Further, its application to the family is just natural.

Don’t Make Rash Promises

In the past, I’ve merely seen it as a warning against making rash vows. It has served as a warning against making vows in the heat of the moment. You know, the vows like, “God, if you get me out of this mess, I’ll never miss an assembly again and I’ll give you half of everything I ever make.” It has served as a warning against hypocritical vows that I don’t really intend to keep. You know vows made while conducting my own brand of spiritual finger crossing (as if I could actually trick God like I can trick you).

However, the last part of Ecclesiastes 5:1 hit me this morning. It says, “…for they do not know that they are doing evil.” In other words, the person making this vow doesn’t even realize they are doing wrong. They are not consciously lying. They are not purposefully trying to cheat God. This is the person who sincerely believes he is going to accomplish exactly what he says. Why on earth would God warn sincere vow takers to pause, back up, and reconsider before they tie themselves to a vow?

The problem is, in my haste to prove to God what a wonderful servant I am, I make all kinds of vows. “God, I’ll never ever do such and such again. God I promise I’ll always do this and that. God you can count on my to always be there for you.” Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 is telling me when I come into God’s presence I need to shut up. Instead of trying to prove how awesome I am to God and how I’ll always do what is right and never do what is wrong, I need to stop and listen to God. I need to realize that the awesome one in this picture is not me. God is not interested in my protestations of awesomeness. He is interested in me humbling myself before Him and see how awesome He is.

I can’t help but see the story of Luke 18:10-13. The Pharisee came into God’s presence and spoke of his own greatness. He wasn’t listening to God. He never noticed God trying to let him know he needed a Savior. He wouldn’t shut up long enough to see what he needed from God. The tax collector, however, had clearly listened to God. He knew he couldn’t make grandiose promises of greatness. He was a sinner in need of God’s greatness. He didn’t make great vows of never sinning again. He simply expressed his own needs of God’s mercy. He didn’t make rash promises about all the amazing things he would do if God forgave him. He simply asked for forgiveness.

Applying It to the Family

I know what you’re asking, “What on earth does this have to do with my family?” As I considered the meaning of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the number of promises I made before I had children. How many times did I vow after I was upset by my parents, “God, when I have kids, I won’t treat my kids like that”? How many times have I vowed after witnessing some other parents’ mistakes, “God, you can count on me to not make that mistake”? How many times have I seen the children of others committing some infraction, “God, you better believe my kids will never do that”?

In my haste to prove how awesome I am, I made promises I cannot possibly keep. At the time, I didn’t know I was making rash vows. I was sure I would be the perfect parent. I knew all my parents’ mistakes. I had witnessed other parents make huge mistakes. I had read books on parenting. I had even preached sermons on parenting. I was certain Marita and I would do it just right. In a sense, it was as if I thought we were going to raise the next Jesus. We would be so good at parenting, our children would never do anything wrong. 

Well, we have four now and the promises are getting fewer and fewer. The more I parent, the more I recognize I just can’t keep these vows. In fact, I need to beg God’s forgiveness for ever making such statements. I admit, Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 frightens me on this. However, I’m sure I serve a forgiving and loving God who is happy that I am figuring out how weak I am and how much I need to depend on Him instead of believing He can depend on me.

Do Your Best but Don’t Make Promises

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we should not be committed to doing what is right in all of our service to God, including our parenting. Nor am I saying, “Well, we’re just weak, so don’t worry about it if you commit sins or mess up in your parenting.” A huge theme throughout Ecclesiastes is to fear God and keep His commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13). 

Instead of making all kinds of rash vows about how I am going to be the amazing servant who does that perfectly, I need to just humble myself and do my best. As the old saying goes, “Make you no promises, tell you no lies.” Yes, I’m committed to never lusting, lying, clamoring, murmuring, etc. ever again. However, do I honestly believe I can make some kind of vow to God about that? Do I honestly believe I can promise God right now, “God, I vow I’ll never ever do any of those things again?” Or am I making a commitment with my mouth that my flesh will not keep? 

Don’t make rash vows. Just humbly submit to the Lord. Grow in fear of Him and strive today to keep His commandments. He hasn’t said we have to vow anything. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are by vowing obedience. Instead, we can prove how awesome He is by humbling ourselves before Him, striving to obey Him, and when we fall short, confessing to Him.

We should do the same in parenting. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are with so many vows. In fact, all those vows will end up doing is demonstrate how weak we are and how much we need God (that is, when we are rigorously honest). Instead, we should just do our best, fear God, keep His commandments, and when we fall short, confess that to Him and seek His mercy.

Be quiet when you come into God’s presence. Don’t make rash promises trying to show how great you are. Rather, listen to how great God is and surrender to Him.

 

P.S. The men’s study I was talking about earlier meets every other Tuesday at 6 am at the Cracker Barrel off of hwy 96 in Franklin, Tennessee. If you are in the area, feel free to join us. Obviously, our next meeting will be in two weeks (May 12).