God's Way Works

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Why We Should Always Ask Questions First and Discipline Later

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A friend of mine tells a story on himself that I have to share with you. I won’t include any names in order to protect the innocent (and guilty). I’m just glad every once in a while I get to use someone else as an example instead of always having to use me.

Anyway, this good brother had taught his children not to take the Lord’s name in vain…ever. He had even taught against the popular euphemisms for the Lord’s name. He wanted his family to always accord the Lord the very highest respect. 

How embarrassed and shocked he was when at a picnic he heard his young son hollering almost at the top of his lungs, “Oh my God!” The crime had been committed. The witnesses were everywhere. Punishment must be administered. He yanked up his son and paddled him on the spot. A moment later his wife approached and said, “Hon, he was singing the new song I taught him. You know the part that says ‘Oh my God, I trust in thee.'” As my friend shared the story, I could tell, he still felt small for that one. I felt small for him. I uttered a little prayer of thanksgiving that I’m not the only dad who blows it sometimes.

But the reason God let’s us make mistakes is to learn from them. Certainly, we dads have every responsibility to discipline our children. A good time to practice discipline is when God is disrespected. However, the extreme nature of this story demonstrates a point we need always remember. Even when it seems obvious that our children have done something wrong, we need to get the facts first. Even when it seems absolutely clear our children have violated the rules and crossed the boundaries, we need to press the pause button, calm down, and find out the complete story. 

We must not react out of embarrassment, anger, wrath, pride, or any other emotion that prompts hasty discipline. If after investigation, we learn our children have indeed crossed the boundary, then we should discipline them for their good (Hebrews 12:9-10). It will still have its value. Discipline doesn’t have to be absolutely immediate for it to be effective. We can take time to investigate and make sure the discipline is warranted.

When we press the pause button, we will certainly avoid unnecessary guilt for messing up. Fortunately, our children are resilient and forgiving. When we apologize and ask for forgiveness, they are usually quick to give it. But, it certainly makes us feel better if we get a handle on the situation first.

Pray through the Bible with Your Family

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Seemingly, one of the most difficult aspects of parenting is to pass on spiritual disciplines such as daily Bible study and prayer. I’ve heard many state they don’t have time. I’ve heard many state they just keep putting it off. However, perhaps the most often used reason is, “I just don’t know how.” Today’s springboard for your family will provide you an excellent practical way to pass on both spiritual disciplines at one time.

Why Bother?

However, before I give you that tool, let’s first back up and understand that this is not homework. This is not an issue of having to study and pray enough to be good enough to go to heaven. This is not an issue of if we miss a day, we’ll go to hell. Do you remember what Peter said to Jesus in John 6:68 when Jesus had asked if the disciples wanted to leave Him? Peter said Jesus had the words of life, where else would they go? We don’t study the Bible to be good enough to go to heaven. We study the Bible because it contains Jesus’ words of life. There is no other source for life. Thus, if we don’t get in the word, we’ll have death.

In like manner, note Psalm 145:18: “The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” If the Lord is near those who call on Him, what does that mean about those who don’t? We do not pray to be good enough to go to heaven. We pray because that is what draws us close to God. If we are not close to God, the adversary will eat us for lunch.

We don’t do these things as a checklist to get the right things done. We do them because life is contained in these disciplines. If we don’t do them, we’ll die. Think of it like insulin for the diabetic. The diabetic doesn’t take insulin because he/she has to, has been assigned to, or wants to be good enough. Absolutely not. Rather, the diabetic takes insulin because without it the result is a diabetic coma and death. These disciplines are our medicine that keep us connected to the real power of God.

So, are you ready for this revolutionary tool to help you practice these disciplines and pass them on to your children? I admit, I adapted this from my good friend David Banning, who in turn, took it from the creators of the Our Spiritual Heritage Bible class curriculum. We call it “Praying through the Bible.” Here’s how it works.

Praying through the Bible

Gather your family together and let each person have a sheet of paper. On the sheet of paper write five sentence starters with space in between.

“Dear God, You are…”

“Dear God, You…”

“Dear God, forgive me for…”

“Dear God, thank you for…”

“Dear God, help…”

Then, have someone read a section of scripture. You may read a whole chapter. You may read a whole story. You may read a few verses that contain some powerful messages. As the reading is being done, have everyone work on completing those sentences based upon the reading.

For example: Read Genesis 1. You might finish the sentences in this way.

“Dear God, You are the creator of all things and the giver of life.”

“Dear God, You created the world and everything in it.”

“Dear God, forgive me for not taking better care of Your creation and not giving You the proper praise for Your great power and might.”

“Dear God, thank You for providing such a wonderful world, perfectly suited for us to live.”

“Dear God, help my faith in You as creator and sovereign Lord of the universe grow every day.”

Trust me, you’ll be amazed at the answers your children come up with.

When you are done with the reading, discuss what everyone has written down. Can you see how this part is great Bible study. Without saying, “We’re going to study Genesis 1,” you have studied and discussed it with your children. After discussing the passage, go around the room and let everyone pray. I always tell my children that they can pray about whatever they want, but we do want them to be sure to pray through what they have written down. You might even keep a journal of what everyone says so you can look back over what you’ve learned and prayed about.

By the way, if your children didn’t come up with an ending for some of the sentences, don’t worry about it. As they hear yours, they’ll get better at it.

Yes, this takes some time. Yes, this takes some work. Yes, it will take some discipline from us as parents. But it will be worth it. It will revolutionize your family prayer life.

Thanks for jumping on today’s springboard. I hope it gives you a great boost in your family life.

Spend Time With Your Kids While There’s Still Time

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The lead singer of one of my favorite bands of the 90s and 00s has gone…I hate to say it…country. Darius Rucker, lead singer for Hootie and the Blowfish, recently released a country album, “Learn to Live.” Some friends let me borrow the cd. Surprisingly, I like it. I guess I’m going soft in my music as I get older. Or maybe it’s just because despite the country sounding instrumentation, the voice is still Darius Rucker.

As much as I liked it, I couldn’t help but laugh as I listened to the first song, “Forever Road,” in which the singer promised to be committed to the woman to whom he was singing no matter what. They would work out every problem because they were walking on “Forever Road.” Then I listened to the second song, “All I Want.” In this one, the singer tells the woman he says he loves that the relationship just won’t work and it isn’t worth it to work on the problems so she can take the house, the car and even all the money he makes off this song, “All I want you to leave me is alone.” I kept laughing when the third song, “Don’t Think I Don’t Think About It,” was all about the regret of leaving a woman and finding out that she had married someone else. He wondered where they might be today if he had just turned around instead of being so filled with pride.

Another interesting contrast was between songs 9 and 10—“Drinkin’ and Dialin’” and “I Hope They Get To Me In Time.” Song 9 is about a drinker who wants everyone to forgive him if he calls them while he’s drunk. The first verse talks about him waking up with an old girlfriend trying to put together all the dots of what happened the night before. Song 10, however, is about a man who has been in a wreck because of a drunk driver. His life is flashing before his eyes as he hears the sirens and hopes they get to him in time.

Song 11, “While I Still Got the Time,” is the song of a middle-aged man wanting to turn over a new leaf while he still has the time. Finally, by song 12, he’s back to having the perfect woman. In fact, she’s so perfect he warns every other man who doesn’t want to settle down, they need to “Be Wary of a Woman” like his.

The real reason I bring this album up on family day, however, is because of song 8, “It Won’t Be Like This for Long.” It tells the story of a young father up all night because his newborn little girl was up all night. His wife tells him it will be alright; “It Won’t Be Like This for Long.” Then his little girl is 4 years old and going to preschool. When he drops her off, she’s caterwauling and won’t let go of him. The teacher peels her off his neck and he says, “What can I do?” She lets him know it’s not a big deal because “It Won’t Be Like This for Long.” In a week or two, he’ll leave and she won’t even know he’s gone. The man realizes in a little while, she’ll be a teenager, he’ll think she hates him some times. Then he’ll take her down the aisle and leave her with someone else.

I made Marita listen to this song so we could cry about it together. One-year-old Trina danced around the room oblivious to our tears. Eleven-year-old Tessa was up in her room reading. Though I hadn’t heard this song until last night, I live with its message every day. It was just yesterday Tessa was dancing around the room, barely able to stay on her feet. Now she’s 11. In another day or two, she’ll be leaving us for her own family. Then right behind her Ethan, Ryan and finally Trina.

Of course, I know there are all kinds of rewards from grown children and hopefully from their children as well. However, it just reminds me that it won’t be like this for long. Tessa will only be 11 for one year. Trina will only be 1 for one year. It would be awful for me to waste that time just writing on this blog, keeping up with Facebook and Twitter or trying to make money.

Another song on the album was “History in the Making.”

The singer was actually talking about his first kiss with some girl. They needed to savor the moment because they were making a memory, it was history in the making. He was singing about a girlfriend. But the principle is the same for my family. Each day is history in the making. We are creating memories. One day, my children will sit around talking about what things were like when they were young. What kind of memories will they share? Will they remember Mom and Dad sitting at their various computers keeping up with old high school buddies or will they remember us playing games, talking, working together.

I’m not saying there is no time for keeping up with blogs or other work. I’m just saying, it won’t be like this for long. As you hand off your kids to someone else or drop them off at their college dorm, you won’t look back and wish you had spent more time on the computer. Trust me on this one.

“Do Hard Things”

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Do Hard Things. That’s what Alex and Brett Harris encourage in their recent book of the same title. This would be impressive enough if it were written to adults by adults. Instead, it is written to teens by teens. The Harris brothers are 19 year-old twins. At age 16, they interned at the Alabama Supreme Court. At seventeen, they served as grass-roots directors for four statewide political campaigns. By 18, they were the co-authors of the web’s most popular Christian teen blog. This year, they have co-authored a book that is destined to be a bestseller, if it hasn’t already reached that status.

If you are a teenager or plan to be someday, if you have children or grandchildren who are teenagers or plan to be someday, if you know a teenager, if you used to be a teenager, this book is for you. One warning to the post-teenagers: if you wasted your teen years, this book will produce a bit of shame and guilt. However, for me, it did it in a positive way that hasn’t made me linger in shame but rather encouraged me to get moving right now.

The Harris brothers challenge today’s teens to rebel against our culture’s low expectations. They take a decidedly Christian approach, but their book is helpful even if you are not a Christian. Their challenge is simple—Do Hard Things. Don’t take the easy path. Don’t take the path of least resistance. Don’t be satisfied with mediocrity from yourself even if everyone else thinks your mediocrity is excellent.

On the down side, I do think they missed the boat on what the Scriptures say regarding salvation. They tout the common evangelical line that salvation is by faith alone, despite the fact that the only place in the Bible the phrase “faith alone” is used is a passage saying justification does not come by faith alone (James 2:24). They totally ignore the role of baptism in becoming God’s child (cf. Mark 16:16; Acts 2:38; I Peter 3:21). Also, while I recognize we can serve God no matter what our profession, I think they confuse this with actual missionary work. I think it is great that teenagers have become involved in the ending of modern day slavery, in providing houses for the needy and food for the homeless. Those works, as good as they are, however, are not fulfilling the great commission. The great commission is to teach the gospel to the lost and baptize them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit (cf. Matthew 28:18-20).

Despite those problems, I think this book is a must read. I have no doubt my congregation will be getting some lessons this year inspired by the challenges I read in Do Hard Things. While much of what they said applies to secular profession or social concerns, the principles highly apply to spiritual lives, as the Harris brothers repeatedly point out. Jesus called His people to avoid the broad, wide, easy road and walk on the narrow, strait and difficult road. Jesus has called us to do hard things.

The cream of the book is the discussion of the “Five Kinds of Hard.” 1) Doing things outside your comfort zone. 2) Doing things that go beyond what is expected or required. 3) Doing things too big to accomplish alone. 4) Doing things that don’t earn immediate payoff. 5) Doing things that go against the grain of the cultural norms. I especially liked #4 because it reminded me some hard things are very small. However, facing up to those small hard challenges repeatedly produces big, long-term results.

My wife picked up this book Saturday afternoon. While she was busy, I read the first chapter and then absconded with it. I finished it on Sunday evening. I guess the first hard thing I need to do is apologize to my wife for stealing. However, I’m really excited to hit 2009 with this great encouragement to Do Hard Things. I encourage you, even if it is hard, get this book. Read it. Read it to your kids. I think you’ll be changed by it. It’s definitely a springboard for your spiritual life.

Edwin in Real Life: Look at Self before Giving Advice

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Some friends were over last night and we watched Dan in Real Life for what must have been the 10th time for Marita and me. I just love that movie. 

Granted, I have to say I don’t buy the Hollywood message that we really can know true love in just three days. I think Dan was right the first time when he said that was infatuation and not real love. On the other hand, real love can grow out of that infatuation if they work hard for the years to come.

However, what I really wanted to highlight in today’s Springboard for Your Family is how easy it is to give good advice and not really pay attention to it yourself.

Steve Carell plays Dan Burns, a widowed parenting advice columnist with three daughters. While at a yearly extended family weekend, he meets a woman at a bookstore and feels an immediate connection. When he gets back to the family house, he discovers this woman is actually his brother’s girlfriend. Then the fun really begins.

It’s a romantic comedy of errors as Dan tries to shut off his feelings for Marie and in the process breaks nearly every bit of advice he would offer parents with his own girls. I see me in Dan. Don’t get me wrong, I never wanted to date my brothers’ girlfriend (especially since my brothers are more than a decade younger than I am). But I do, sadly, often break the very advice I would offer others about how to relate to my wife and children.

Hey, this is about progress not perfection. But, at the same time, before we spend all our time telling everyone else how they should parent, taking their inventory about their relationships, we need to take our own inventory. In fact, before we tell our spouse how to live and behave to fix our marriage, we should look at how we are behaving. Before we tell our kids or parents how to behave, we should look at how we are behaving.

In the end, Dan finally gets the girl, makes amends with his daughters and gets the girl. His brother finds someone else and all is well for Dan in Real Life. Granted, real life doesn’t always work out so handsomely. But it will always come out better if we look at how we are behaving first.

 

Just for fun, here’s the trailer:

Talking to Your Kids about Sex

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fatherson-talkThe Background

I had an amazing talk with Ethan a few weeks ago while he was still eight years old. No, it was not THE TALK. It was rather one of many talks that we have had and hopefully will continue to have over the years to come. Let me give you some background.

The fact of the matter is while I can technically say I was a virgin when I got married, I messed up a lot with sexuality throughout high school and college. I have experiences I truly regret that continue to have an emotional and spiritual impact even now. I don’t want my children to go through that. So, in order to keep them from making sexual mistakes I had a plan. I would hide everything about sex I possibly could from them and then scare the living daylights out of them about the rest. Then it occurred to me. That was my dad’s sex education plan. I only remember one talk with him ever. He warned me before I left for college that some girl would find out I wanted to be pure and she would set her sights on me and try to “conquer” me. Sadly, I was 17 and my hormones were raging and while the spiritual side of me was saying, “Oh, how awful,” the other side of me was saying, “I sure hope so.” In that little bit of self-admission can you see the problem with the “hide and scare” sex education plan? 

Hiding it only produces curiosity. The fear only produces rebellion. That is what it produced in me and I realized it would produce that in my kids. Sadly, I was curious about sexuality but I was afraid to talk to my parents about it and learn from them. So, I learned about sex at school (and I don’t mean from health class), work and from pornography-whether it was the locker room brag sessions, the clandestine centerfold passed around under the teacher’s nose, the stories of the sexually active girls and guys I worked with or the video one of the guys on my dorm floor rented and showed in his room. 

Let me ask you, is that how you want your kids to learn about sex? Trust me. if you purposefully or even unconsciously take the “hide and scare” method, that is exactly where your kids will learn about it. Gone are the days where we can hide sex from our kids and they make it to marriage and just learn for themselves (even if you are a homeschooler). The fact is, if you don’t take the upper hand on this one and inoculate your kids with healthy teaching and exposure to sexuality you better know that Satan will get it into their little hands somehow. I know about one child who was told how to unlock some easter egg of pornographic pictures on a video game by another kid in his bible class. If you want to know how really bad it can get, I know of a story of a teenage girl who met with her youth minister to ask a question about oral sex. She had a rep among the boys in the youth group as being pretty good at it but was starting to have second thoughts about whether it was right. What a rude awakening for the youth minister. 

Do you get the point? Dads, Moms start thinking about how you are going to talk to your kids. Go a step further. Start talking to them about it.

The Talk

So back to my conversation with Ethan.

Ethan has started Cub Scouts again. One of the very first things we have to go through is “safety” training in which I read to Ethan some safety rules about strangers and such. Included in that was the rule that his body is his body and he doesn’t have to let anyone do anything to his body that makes him feel uncomfortable. As part of that process, we went through some scenarios and he was to respond how he could act. For instance, if a man pulls up while he is playing in the yard and says, “Hey pal, can you come help me find my dog?” Ethan knows to say, “No. But I’ll get my Dad and he can help you.” 

Another scenario was what should he do if someone offers to show him pictures of naked people. WOW! Didn’t expect that from the Cub Scouts, but kudos to them for putting it in there. Now, the old me didn’t want Ethan to know that it was even possible to see pictures of naked people anywhere. What was I going to do with this? I could just skip it. But I didn’t. I went ahead and asked him. Of course, he gave the right answer. “I’d tell them no and come home.”

What would I do next? I could have said, “Great answer, Son,” and moved on to the scenario about the missing dog. Instead, I probed a little. I didn’t tape the conversation, so this isn’t word for word, but it went something like this:

“I bet that would be hard to say no to. I mean, bet you’re a little curious what a naked woman looks like aren’t you.”

“Yes sir,” he responded.

“What do you think you should do even though you are really curious?” I asked.

“I should still say no.”

“That’s right. You know what. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being curious about what a naked woman looks like. God made us to grow up and be sexual people and curiosity is part of that. But did you know that God has a plan through which we can learn all about our curiosities about women?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. He has given us marriage. When you get married, you’ll be able to see the woman you marry naked and learn all about it and learn to enjoy it. And if you wait until then to pursue your curiosity it will be a great thing.”

I continued, “Let me ask you, Ethan. Has anyone ever tried to show you a picture of ***** *****?”

I inwardly sighed with relief when he said, “No sir.”

“Very good. I have to tell you when I was your age, I was out playing baseball with some guys and one guy brought a picture of a naked woman and I was really curious…”

Ethan interrupted, “But you said no way, I’m not looking, didn’t you.”

“I wish I had said that. Sadly, I didn’t. I looked. And you know what. It didn’t take my curiosity away. It just made it stronger and made it harder for me to say no when I was older. It taught me all kinds of wrong things about women and sex. It even has caused problems for me up to today with your mom. That’s why I’m telling you about this. Because I want to protect you from that kind of harm.”

I went on, “Because I’ve done some wrong things, I want to do everything in my power to help you avoid those wrong things because I know how harmful they are. I so want you to be be pure as you grow older. However, I also want you to know that if you make a mistake like I did, you can come talk to me about it. I know that I will be sad for you. But I remember when I made mistakes, I was very upset at me and I needed to talk to someone but I didn’t feel like I could because I knew I would just get in trouble. I want you to know if you make a mistake, I won’t be happy about it, but you can talk to me about it and I will still love you. I’ll be there to help you get over it and get past it. Do you think you can do that?”

“Yes sir. How much longer do we have to do this?”

I cut him loose at that point.

The Keys

Key points I hope you got out of that conversation.

1) Talk about sex as if it is completely natural. I want my kids to know talking to me and their mom about sex is the most natural place to talk about it.

2) Affirm that curiosity about sexuality is natural. My son is not a freak or a pervert because he is curious about ***** *****. Neither is yours. And let me assure you if your son is getting close to 10 he is curious about ***** *****. I’m just glad that my son felt safe enough to be honest with me about it.

3) Express God’s plan for pursuing our curiosity in a positive light. Too many parents spend so much time being negative about sex when they talk about it that kids grow up afraid of sex even in marriage.

4) Non-judgmentally discuss what experiences they have had or might have had. If, God forbid, someone ever does show my son a picture of a naked woman, I want him to feel comfortable telling me about it so I can help him work through the feelings of excitement, guilt, curiosity and shame it will produce.

5) Share your own mistakes and their consequences. I used to be afraid doing this would provide tacit permission for my kids to make the same mistakes. I imagine in some few cases that will happen. However, now I realize it actually produces two positive results. First, it helps them feel comfortable talking with me if they make a mistake. They know I’ve made mistakes and so I won’t simply be sitting in judgment over them. Second, it lets them know in a non-threatening way how negative improper sexual conduct is and how it will impact their lives. In other words, it provides them with honesty where as the kids at school and the pornographers either have no idea what sexual acting out does or they ignore it and just lie to them.

6) Assure your children they can talk to you even about their mistakes and you will still love them. Again, I want my kids to know they can talk to me. If my son or daughter ends up going “too far” on a date, I don’t want them hiding that on the inside. Such isolation will only breed shame that will likely drive them to act out further the next time. Talking to me may provide the relief and forgiveness and education that helps them overcome and not commit the same mistake twice.

There is no foolproof plan for this. I don’t think there is a set way to teach about sex that will absolutely assure your children will never make a mistake. But I think this approach is better than the “hide and scare” tactic I was placing so much stock in before. I offer it to you for what it’s worth.

talking-to-your-kids-about-sex

 

As I close, let me share with you the book that has helped me out the most on this topic. I encourage you to get it and read it. It helps lay out a plan for age appropriate sexual education beginning with infancy on through the early adult years. It is Mark Laaser’s Talking to Your Kids About Sex: How to Have a Lifetime of Age-Appropriate Conversations with Your Children About Healthy Sexuality.