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13 Things to Teach Your Children to Protect Them from Sexual Predators

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Yesterday, you got to hear my initial thoughts about Jody Lusk’s sins from a preacher’s perspective and from a fellow sinner’s perspective. Today, in my Springboard for Your Family, let me share my thoughts from a father’s perspective.

I just can’t help but notice that Jody was my age and that the victim was my daughter’s age. Okay, he’s a year younger than me, and she was a year older than my daughter. But it is just too close for comfort. We just couldn’t get that out of our heads. On Sunday, Marita and I sat down with our little girl (whose not so little anymore) and had a good long talk with her. It grossed her out and she can’t imagine anything like that happening, but at least she now knows she can talk to us if she needs to.

Here is the problem. Most of the time, we try to protect our kids from this sort of attack by screening their friends. We have to know their friends’ parents. We have to meet their teachers. We want to be sure who they are with all the time. But let’s face it, who thinks they need to screen their preacher? And while I’m all for screening friends and friends’ families, I’m pretty convinced that is not going to protect our children as much as we would like. We just aren’t as good at judging character as we might like to think.

The best defense is a good offense. That is, prepare your children for the potential possibility. Here are some keys you need to pass on to your children.

 

  1. Of utmost importance, talk to them about sex. Let them get comfortable talking to you about it. You want to be the one they come to when they have questions.
  2. Teach your children that it is natural to be curious about sexual things. There is nothing wrong with them being curious. Let them know you will answer any questions you can at age appropriate levels as they grow up. Tell them, however, that the appropriate place for really pursuing this curiosity is in marriage. Let them know what a joy it is and what a blessing it is to be able to reserve that curiosity for marriage. If you didn’t do that yourself, let your children know what damage was caused by your own inappropriately pursued curiosity.
  3. Let them know appropriate touching boundaries. A great boundary I learned and have passed on is touching in soft places is out of bounds, while touching in hard places (like shoulders, top of the head) is probably okay.
  4. Let them know that they are allowed to make a boundary about anything that makes them uncomfortable. They are allowed to tell people when they have made the child uncomfortable. And they are allowed to let you know if anyone has made them feel uncomfortable.
  5. Let them know that if an adult exposes his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. If an adult asks the child to expose his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. Also let them know that it is not appropriate for anyone to show them, text them, or e-mail them pictures or videos in which adults or children are exposing their private parts. (Yes, you probably need to state the exception of doctors, but a parent needs to be present when the doctor is examining the child.)
  6. Let them know that certain kinds of touching are just plain inappropriate and no matter what an adult says to coax them into it, they need to simply scream and run.
  7. Let them know that if a stranger tries to grab them, no matter what the stranger says, they need to scream as loud as they can and run if they can. Even if the stranger says he will hurt them unless they stay quiet. We have explained to our children that if a stranger is taking them, he is going to hurt them anyway. Their chances of being safe are much better if they scream there in public than after they get put in a car or taken to a house. As a side note, you might even give them some advice about how to get away. For instance, if shoved into a car, the child doesn’t have to stay there, they can immediately crawl through to other side and get out there.
  8. Let them know that an adult should be asking other adults for help, not kids. Adults don’t need the help of children to find their missing dog or to get directions to some street or address. If an adult asks for help, teach the child to back away and say, “I’ll get my parents. They’ll help you.”
  9. Since you’ve talked to them about sex, remind them that it will be a wonderful thing for them when they get married, but it is not appropriate for anyone, especially an adult, to talk to them about or perform with them. Even explain to them some of the ways an adult might try to convince them to do something sexual. On Sunday, I told Tessa about a friend of mine in high school who was 16 or perhaps 17. A twenty-something co-worker pulled an awfully manipulative ploy with her. He knew she was afraid that if she was a virgin when she married, she might not know how to have sex. He offered to teach her. Notice, he didn’t offer to marry her. We explained to Tessa that she didn’t need to have fears about knowing how when she got married. Part of the joy of marriage is learning how with her husband. That was the part of the discussion that really grossed her out. To be honest, I was glad it did.
  10. Let your children know that love doesn’t equal sex. Explain that if an adult really loved them, they would be protecting the child’s sexuality not exploring it or exploiting it. If an adult tells them this is what people who love each other do, let your child know that adult is lying. Let your children know that sex is not what everyone does who loves them. Even use yourselves as examples. That is, let the child know, “Do I love you? Do you love me? But it is inappropriate for us to do sexual things. That is just for mommy and daddy.” 
  11. Let your children know that it doesn’t matter who it is that does any of these things, older sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, father, mother, preacher, teacher, older neighborhood kid, friend, friend’s family member, they can tell you about it and you will still love them. We, that is Marita and I, even tell our children while in each other’s presence that if the offender is one of us, they have our permission to talk to the other parent or even tell some other adult who has authority in their lives like the police or one of the elders in our church.
  12. Let your children know how serious it is to lie about these issues, but that you will trust them if they tell you anything about what someone has done to them. Then do that.
  13. Let your children know that if someone else has violated any of these boundaries or does violate any of these boundaries, it is not their fault. You will not hold it against them. They have done nothing wrong. They can tell you and all you will do is love them and help them deal with whatever has happened.

 

When you have this discussion, ask your children if anyone has ever done any of these things. Make it safe for them to be honest. If they need to, let them cry, let them rage, let them vent. If they tell you about something, please, do not think you have to handle this alone. Share your need with your elders in the church and get some professional help from a counselor with a Christian background. 

Following these steps does not mean your children will never be violated. However, it is a great defense to inoculate them and prepare them. And it is of utmost importance that you let them get comfortable talking with you about all aspects of sexuality. As I said, you want them to come to you when they have questions. 

Finally, if something like this has happened to your children or ever does, please don’t blame yourself. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know that kids with poor home lives are far more susceptible to this kind of attack. Certainly, if you’ve been sinning in raising your kids in any way, you need to repent. However, let’s be honest, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. But our mistakes do not justify the sins of a sexual predator. The fault for sexual attack lies with the predator, not with the victim or the victims parents.

By the way, if you need help talking to your kids about sex, check out this associate link for a great book that will give you guidance on what to say to your children at all ages.

 

P.S. If you are the perpetrator of any of these sins and crimes, I know this is not something that you want to do in your moments of sanity. I know you are filled with guilt and shame. I am certain you want to stop. Let me encourage you right now to do something about it. Don’t think you are now strong enough to never do it again. Get help immediately. Turn yourself in for treatment. Report yourself to the authorities. Find a counselor. Do something. I know you will likely lose your job. I know your friends and family may ostracize you if you admit to it. I know you may even have to spend time in jail. But that is far better than hurting another child again. And in your heart of hearts you know that is true as well.

The Most Frightening Thing I’ve Ever Heard as a Parent

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I’ve heard some very frightening things as a parent. I’ve heard about statistics for teenage pregnancies, teenage drug-use, child molestation. I’ve seen shows about children being kidnapped. I’ve heard stories about children being hurt. But none of this even comes close to the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard as a parent.

Nope. One statement takes the cake. John Maxwell said it. I can’t remember what book or lesson it was in. I just know he’s the one I heard it from and I know it has stuck with me for a long time. It is really having a big impact on me today because yesterday Marita and I had to get onto all of our kids regarding how they were treating each other. I was listening to us as we especially tried to explain to Tessa how the way she acts influences others. When we were saying that, this one frightening statement hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I’m sure it won’t scare some of you the way it frightens me, but I want to put it out there for you to think upon and grow wise.

Are you ready?

“We teach what we know, we reproduce what we are.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I wish I could run and hide. Here’s what I’ve taken from it. Before I can even remotely try to fix my kids, I’ve got to work on me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I still have to step up and teach my kids what I know. But before I arrogantly wonder how on earth kids that behave like this came from me, I should spend a little more time looking at me honestly.

Something Worth Doing, Part 15: Risk Something Worth Protecting

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one. By the way, please check out the site for the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation and help promote the foundation by purchasing any of the Life’s More Interesting products. By the way, unlike the other links in this post, there is no affiliation link here. None of your purchases of these products grease my pockets.)

Today, I Want to…

…Risk Something Worth Protecting

What? I want to risk something worth protecting? What is that about? Our first thought is if something is worth protecting, I don’t want to risk it at all. I want to lock it up, keep it covered, keep it away from grasping hands.

However, this statement makes me think of an illustration I recently read in N. T. Wright’s The Challenge of Jesus. While talking about a completely different subject, he spoke about his trip to the Louvre and his desire to see the Mona Lisa. Listen to what he said:

“In October of 1998 my wife and I went to Paris for a conference, and in a spare moment we visited the Louvre. It was the first time either of us had been there. A disappointment awaited us: the Mona Lisa, which every good tourist goes to goggle at, is not only as enigmatic ash she has always been but following a violent attack is now behind thick glass. All attempts to look into those famous eyes, to face the famous questions as to what they are meaning and whether this meaning is really there or is being imposed by the viewers, are befogged by glimpses of other eyes—one’s own, and dozens more besides—reflected back from the protective casing.”*

Is the Mona Lisa worth protecting? I’m sure most of us would say it is. But something has been lost by the protection. Better to risk the Mona Lisa and let the multitudes goggle and grow by the experience than protect it and hinder the public’s betterment. Perhaps we see here it is better to protect the experience and not just the painting.

I also think of the ancient proverbialist’s words in Proverbs 14:4. “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.” Solomon, if he was indeed the author of this proverb, understood that progress comes by risking things we want to protect. We prefer a clean manger. But when we keep our manger clean from the oxen, then our crops are not going to be very good. After all, letting oxen do the work will produce a much larger crop than doing it all myself. In this case, the farmer wanted to protect his manger. However, he needed to risk it by sheltering and feeding his oxen there to reap the even greater rewards.

Our Protection Often Limits Intimacy

The situation that really comes to mind as I wrestle with this resolution is the area of relationships. I need relationships. I want to protect those relationships. Apart from my relationship with God, my most important relationship is with my wife. That relationship needs protecting. I don’t want to risk that relationship at all.

Sadly, my protection often leads to codependence. It leads to me trying so hard to fix things in her because I fear what others will think that she becomes angry with me and a wedge is driven between us. What I’ve found is when I let her live her life and do her job her way and then provide support no matter what anyone else says, that is when we draw the closest. When she makes mistakes, she learns from them just like I learn from mine. When I let her risk instead of trying to preemptively protect her, we usually draw closer.

The codependence leads me to cover up things about myself I’m afraid will turn her away from me. Sadly, the secrets lead me to isolation and I push her away anyway. Granted, one day I may have to pass on a secret that will cause Marita to turn away from me. I hope not. But it may happen. However, up to now, letting myself be vulnerable with her has only ever drawn us closer. Revealing what is going on inside me or in my dark moments is a scary thing. I usually want to protect the relationship and keep those things hidden. But as our recovering friends warn us, we are only as sick as our deepest secrets. When we share those secrets we are risking the relationships, but the rewards when the relationships survive are phenomenal.

When I think about risking relationships I want to protect, I think about my children. I so want to protect them from all the evil that is out there. The top of the list is sexual evil. For the longest time, my approach to protecting them was to hide sex from them as much as possible and then scare the daylights out of them about the rest of it. However, I realized the hiding only produces curiosity and the fear only produces rebellion, at least, that is what it did for me. But if I don’t hide it from them, I’m risking their innocence and that, to me, is definitely worth protecting.

No, I’m not suggesting we invite our children to watch pornography or send them out on dates with contraceptive devices. But I am saying I have to learn that sometimes my protection actually puts what I’m afraid to risk at greater risk. I have to learn to risk those things that are worth protecting.

It is like our little baby’s health. Have you even thought about what we are doing when we immunize our children? We are actually introducing a disease into our baby’s body in order to protect them. We are placing them at risk in order to protect them. Sadly, in some cases the risk takes place and we spend the rest of our lives condemning ourselves for taking the risk. That is why you will always find websites condemning immunizations. However, there is no argument that immunizations have lowered, in fact, nearly eradicated some diseases in our kids. We need to learn that instead of isolating our children, we should inoculate them. Is it a risk? Absolutely. But in my experience isolation is an even bigger risk because we simply aren’t so good as to completely isolate our children from everything.

Growing through Risk

Another story that comes to my mind is Jesus’ story about the talents found in Matthew 25. A master gave five talents to one servant, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. By the way, the footnote in my Bible says a talent was a monetary sum worth about 20 years wages to the common laborer. Can you imagine being given 20 years of your salary in one lump sum? What would you do with it? The man who had been give 100 years of salary and the man who had been given 40 years of salary both risked their talents. They bought and sold and traded until they had generated twice what they started with. The third man hid his talent. Think about it. That seems wise to some of us. At least he didn’t fritter it away on eating out, depreciating gizmos, and self-seeking pursuits. He protected it. When the master returned, the man gave him back his talent. The master, however, was not happy. He didn’t give the man the talent so that when he returned he could get one talent back. If he had wanted that, he could have kept the talent with him. He gave the servant the talent to produce a profit. He called this servant wicked and slothful.

Ouch! That hurts. Sometimes, what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than fear. We fear rejection so we don’t risk our egos. Sadly, we then spend all our time feeling inadequate because we never accomplish anything. We fear betrayal so we don’t risk entering a relationship. Sadly, we miss out on the joys of strong friendships and love, living out our lives in loneliness and empty pursuits. We fear conflict so we don’t risk sharing our opinions and feelings. Sadly, we seethe in bitterness and resentment until the conflicts erupt in proportions too great to control.

Sometimes what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than laziness. The five and two talent men actually went to work with their talents. They had to buy and sell, that took research, time, planning, and skill. I’m sure investing then was like it is today. Nobody ever bats 1000. They had to make up when they lost what they risked. The one talent man didn’t have to work. He just hid the talent and could sit on his behind.

I hope you don’t think this is too crass, but I have to share a poem I first heard from John Maxwell.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore. 

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.” 

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.” 

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Let’s face it. Relationships take work. It is a lot easier to be disconnected. As Simon and Garfunkel sang, “A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.” Why work on a relationship when it means risking so much pain? Accomplishment takes work. Too many of us want to sit on our rears and hope that God will drop some major accomplishment in our laps. It just won’t happen. Why risk looking the fool when you can shoot for nothing and no one will ever notice? Leadership takes work. It is a lot easier to be the low man on the totem pole. It isn’t your reputation on the line when you are just the rummy. Why shoot to lead others when it means risking so much if you fail?

Why risk? Because the relationships that can produce the greatest pain can also produce the greatest happiness. And as Garth Brooks sang, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” Because only those who brave looking like a fool in front of the masses ever accomplish anything worthwhile. Consider the simple task of writing a poem or a book. If you only ever fear that others will not want to read your book, you’ll never have the satisfaction of getting one done. Because leadership means we can accomplish things through others we could never accomplish on our own. Nobody ever became President without risking his entire reputation. Perhaps we don’t look nearly as bad as any of our Presidents have ever been made to look by their enemies, but then we’ve never led the known world to anything of consequence. Why risk? Because whether we succeed or fail the growth and accomplishment we attain is really worth it and helps us press on to bigger and greater things.

I know you want to protect something. But God has given us our greatest blessings in order to risk them. Not so we could lose them. But rather, through the risking we may grow and are able to give back to our society and to Him great things.

Therefore, today, I want to risk something worth protecting because in reality, only when I risk do I grow and gain the true fulfillment out of God’s gifts.

(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Listening to Something Worth Hearing.)

     

 *Wright, N.T., The Challenge of Jesus, Intervarsity Press, Downers Grove, 1999, p 196.

4 Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What to Do When They Mess Up

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Last Tuesday, we learned there was only one Jesus and our kids aren’t Him. Every single one of our kids is going to grow up to sin, just like us. We won’t stop that. We need to quit making the attempt because it only puts undue pressure on us and our kids. Don’t read that to say we should quit trying to influence our kids for good. I’m simply saying we should quit trying to train our kids to be perfect and instead lay a foundation with them to know what to do when they are not.

I’d like to share 8 keys I believe will help you lay that foundation. By the way, these aren’t the 8 things we do in our home and wish you would do. These are things I’m trying to work on so I can be better in my home. I hope they help you. I’ll give the first four today and next Tuesday we’ll finish up with the others.

1. Be emotionally, spiritually, mentally healthy yourself.

If you’ve got emotional, mental, or spiritual imbalance, you’ll pass that on to your kids. If I’m compulsive about what others think, I’m going to inappropriately discipline my children when I think they make others look down on me. If I’ve filled with pride, I’m going to incorrectly discipline my children when they make me look bad. If I have codependency issues, I won’t discipline my kids properly when they need, fearing that they’ll abandon me. Of course, then when they push me over the edge, I’ll go over the top and they might just abandon me.

Before I even try to discipline my children, I need to be working on cleaning up my side of the street, working on my issues.

2. Don’t discipline your children out of embarrassment.

I’ve heard people say repeatedly you should never discipline your children when you’re angry. I’m not sure I agree. I think when children rebel, it should cause a healthy anger. I don’t think you have to wait until you are no longer angry to provide an appropriate discipline. I think it is possible if you have a healthy anger to still discipline them appropriately. Surely, if your anger has you out of control, wait until you can see clearly to administer discipline.

However, you should never discipline because you are embarrassed. We need to remember that discipline is intended to help our children grow to maturity. It is not a chance for us to vent our embarrassment. Like that time when Ryan was 4 or 5 and saw a man who had some deformity. He said, loudly, “Mom, that man has a hole in his head.” An embarrassed parent might yank the child up from by his arm, take him to the car, and whip him and he never even know what he’s being disciplined for. Granted, in that situation we all know he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just curious and curiosity is not wrong.

Even when the child does do something wrong, more often than not overboard discipline comes from embarrassment. After all, we want everyone to think we are the best parents ever. They’ll only think that if our kids never, ever do anything wrong. Therefore, our discipline is often from a point of embarrassment and not from a point of helping them learn and grow. Junior says a cuss word and we are suddenly worried the whole world thinks we are rotten parents. We give them a spanking that they’ll never forget. Or perhaps little 8-year-old Suzy wet her pants in front of some other parents. Or maybe little Bobby back talks a teacher.

Before you discipline ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I’m embarrassed? Or am I doing this because this is what will help my child grow?”

3. Share your own mistakes with your children.

We are so afraid to let our kids know we were anything less than perfect. We fear if we let them know all the wrong things we did it will be giving them tacit permission to do them too. That really isn’t the case. Oh, I’m sure some children will pull that defensive maneuver when they are trying to get out of some discipline. However, the benefits far outweigh that little difficulty.

The benefits are when your children know you weren’t perfect, they are much more likely to talk to you when they’ve messed up. If they think you were perfect, they’ll think you can’t possibly understand why they made a mistake. They won’t come to you for help. They won’t come to you for forgiveness. Instead, they’ll turn to others. They’ll turn to peers. Be assured, they are not likely to get great advice for overcoming mistakes from their peers.

Not to mention, when your children think you are perfect, that just increased their toxic shame all the more. When they know you messed up, they’ll be able to see that mistakes are normal and can be overcome. They can grow up to be a decent person even though they committed some sin. They can go to heaven even though they screwed up royally.

I don’t know how many times I’ve spent 10 or 15 minutes letting my kids have it for something they did or didn’t do or some way they have acted only to remember at the close of it that I did the exact same thing as a child. I don’t know how many lectures I’ve given my son about being lazy. When I’m done, I remember, “Oh yeah, I got those same lectures. They didn’t help me very much. Wonder why I think they’ll help him.” The whole thing would probably be better if I let him know I understand how he feels, share with him the consequences, and then work with him to come up with an action plan to overcome.

4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when you’ve wronged your kids.

Tied in with sharing your mistakes with your kids is telling your children you’re sorry when your mistake was against them. Ask them to forgive you. Yes, you heard me. When you’ve wronged your children you need to ask their forgiveness.

Why? First, because you need their forgiveness. Second, because a rift has come in the relationship and they need to go through the process of forgiving you so that rift can heal. Third, because your children need to see you set the example about how to act when you’ve made a mistake or committed a sin. When they see this example, they learn that they can come to you in just the same way, saying they are sorry, and seeking forgiveness. Further, they’ll learn they can do that with God.

Here’s the heart of the matter, you think you can hide your wrong from your children, but you can’t. Your children will see you at your worst and they are smart enough to know when you’ve done wrong. If you carry on a pretense like you haven’t done wrong, they’ll only see hypocrisy. The usual response is not for kids to grow up and decide not to be hypocrites by always sharing their wrongs and overcoming them. No, usually their response is not to be a hypocrite by just not caring about what is right or wrong.

The best way to overcome this is to display what being a growing person is really all about. It is not about being perfect. It is about recognizing and repenting of our sins.

If you work on these four keys, you are well on your way to laying a foundation to prepare your children for how to deal with their own mistakes and sins. Trust me, that will be way better than leaving them shamed and broken because they realize they aren’t perfect.

Make sure you come back next week for four more keys to preparing your children to deal with their mistakes and sins.

Don’t Make Rash Promises about Your Family

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I am always humbled when I read a passage I’ve read dozens of times and suddenly realize I hadn’t quite gotten it before. I am just now arriving at my office from a great Bible study with some other men. We looked at Ecclesiastes 5:1-9. I’ve read this passage about making vows I don’t know how many times. I’ve taught it in classes and referenced it in sermons. However, it was not until this morning as we were discussing that it hit me what this passage was saying. Further, its application to the family is just natural.

Don’t Make Rash Promises

In the past, I’ve merely seen it as a warning against making rash vows. It has served as a warning against making vows in the heat of the moment. You know, the vows like, “God, if you get me out of this mess, I’ll never miss an assembly again and I’ll give you half of everything I ever make.” It has served as a warning against hypocritical vows that I don’t really intend to keep. You know vows made while conducting my own brand of spiritual finger crossing (as if I could actually trick God like I can trick you).

However, the last part of Ecclesiastes 5:1 hit me this morning. It says, “…for they do not know that they are doing evil.” In other words, the person making this vow doesn’t even realize they are doing wrong. They are not consciously lying. They are not purposefully trying to cheat God. This is the person who sincerely believes he is going to accomplish exactly what he says. Why on earth would God warn sincere vow takers to pause, back up, and reconsider before they tie themselves to a vow?

The problem is, in my haste to prove to God what a wonderful servant I am, I make all kinds of vows. “God, I’ll never ever do such and such again. God I promise I’ll always do this and that. God you can count on my to always be there for you.” Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 is telling me when I come into God’s presence I need to shut up. Instead of trying to prove how awesome I am to God and how I’ll always do what is right and never do what is wrong, I need to stop and listen to God. I need to realize that the awesome one in this picture is not me. God is not interested in my protestations of awesomeness. He is interested in me humbling myself before Him and see how awesome He is.

I can’t help but see the story of Luke 18:10-13. The Pharisee came into God’s presence and spoke of his own greatness. He wasn’t listening to God. He never noticed God trying to let him know he needed a Savior. He wouldn’t shut up long enough to see what he needed from God. The tax collector, however, had clearly listened to God. He knew he couldn’t make grandiose promises of greatness. He was a sinner in need of God’s greatness. He didn’t make great vows of never sinning again. He simply expressed his own needs of God’s mercy. He didn’t make rash promises about all the amazing things he would do if God forgave him. He simply asked for forgiveness.

Applying It to the Family

I know what you’re asking, “What on earth does this have to do with my family?” As I considered the meaning of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the number of promises I made before I had children. How many times did I vow after I was upset by my parents, “God, when I have kids, I won’t treat my kids like that”? How many times have I vowed after witnessing some other parents’ mistakes, “God, you can count on me to not make that mistake”? How many times have I seen the children of others committing some infraction, “God, you better believe my kids will never do that”?

In my haste to prove how awesome I am, I made promises I cannot possibly keep. At the time, I didn’t know I was making rash vows. I was sure I would be the perfect parent. I knew all my parents’ mistakes. I had witnessed other parents make huge mistakes. I had read books on parenting. I had even preached sermons on parenting. I was certain Marita and I would do it just right. In a sense, it was as if I thought we were going to raise the next Jesus. We would be so good at parenting, our children would never do anything wrong. 

Well, we have four now and the promises are getting fewer and fewer. The more I parent, the more I recognize I just can’t keep these vows. In fact, I need to beg God’s forgiveness for ever making such statements. I admit, Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 frightens me on this. However, I’m sure I serve a forgiving and loving God who is happy that I am figuring out how weak I am and how much I need to depend on Him instead of believing He can depend on me.

Do Your Best but Don’t Make Promises

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we should not be committed to doing what is right in all of our service to God, including our parenting. Nor am I saying, “Well, we’re just weak, so don’t worry about it if you commit sins or mess up in your parenting.” A huge theme throughout Ecclesiastes is to fear God and keep His commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13). 

Instead of making all kinds of rash vows about how I am going to be the amazing servant who does that perfectly, I need to just humble myself and do my best. As the old saying goes, “Make you no promises, tell you no lies.” Yes, I’m committed to never lusting, lying, clamoring, murmuring, etc. ever again. However, do I honestly believe I can make some kind of vow to God about that? Do I honestly believe I can promise God right now, “God, I vow I’ll never ever do any of those things again?” Or am I making a commitment with my mouth that my flesh will not keep? 

Don’t make rash vows. Just humbly submit to the Lord. Grow in fear of Him and strive today to keep His commandments. He hasn’t said we have to vow anything. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are by vowing obedience. Instead, we can prove how awesome He is by humbling ourselves before Him, striving to obey Him, and when we fall short, confessing to Him.

We should do the same in parenting. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are with so many vows. In fact, all those vows will end up doing is demonstrate how weak we are and how much we need God (that is, when we are rigorously honest). Instead, we should just do our best, fear God, keep His commandments, and when we fall short, confess that to Him and seek His mercy.

Be quiet when you come into God’s presence. Don’t make rash promises trying to show how great you are. Rather, listen to how great God is and surrender to Him.

 

P.S. The men’s study I was talking about earlier meets every other Tuesday at 6 am at the Cracker Barrel off of hwy 96 in Franklin, Tennessee. If you are in the area, feel free to join us. Obviously, our next meeting will be in two weeks (May 12).

“The Dumbest Generation” by Mark Bauerlein (A Review by Shane Scott)

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Glad you could make it to today’s Springboard for Your Family Life. I have a special treat “presidential candidate” Shane Scott, who runs the Faith and Thought blog, has put on his serious cap for this guest post and provided us a great review of Mark Bauerlein’s book The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30). Thanks Shane for this excellent review.

“The Dumbest Generation”

The basic thesis of The Dumbest Generationis spelled out in its subtitle: “How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don’t Trust Anyone Under 30).” Mark Bauerlein’s argument is that the under-30 generation (sometimes called the “Millennials”) have more information and technology at their fingertips than any other generation in history, but ironically this digital revolution has contracted rather than expanded their knowledge. 

Why is this the case? Part of it according to Bauerlein is the intrinsic nature of digital media. The under-30s rarely read books (Bauerlein calls them “bibliophobes”). Instead, they prefer the computer screen. While in theory lots of reading could be done on the web, the fact is that the inherent design of web pages discourages deep and thoughtful reading. As Nielsen Norman (an expert in web page development) said in response to a question on how web users read, “They don’t” (p. 143). 

As a result, the under-30 generation lags behind other nations in intellectual development. Almost a quarter of them need remedial reading and writing classes once they reach college, and even the National Association of Manufacturers complains that one of its major problems is finding workers with adequate reading comprehension skills (p. 63). Under-30 kids rank poorly in comparison to kids in other industrial countries in math (although they rank far ahead in how good they think they are!), indicating that we are setting this generation up for demoralizing failure-convincing them they are much better prepared for college and work than they really are (pp. 192-195). 

Another major factor in the stunted intellectual development of the millennials is the “peer absorption” texting, instant messaging, and social networking foster (p. 133). Previous generations of kids were just as concerned about their peers, but once they got home from school, they were no longer immersed in the world of their peers, aside from talking on a landline. But the under-30s can remain in constant contact with peers by virtue of texting, cell phones, instant messaging, and the web. Thus a millennial can remain in a cocoon of teenage culture. 

As a result, under-30 kids are deprived of a vital component of the transition from adolescence to adulthood – the vertical modeling of older, more mature mentors like parents, teachers, employers, ministers, and so on (pp. 136). This vertical modeling enables teens to see what the real world is like, and reinforces how trivial so many of the concerns of their own peer group is contrast to the authentic issues of life. Even worse, the digital technology allows teens to construct a “reflexive surrounding” of blogs, games, videos, music, messages that “mirror their woes and fantasies” rather than challenging them to move beyond the limited horizon of their friends to experience adult realities (pp. 137-138). 

Bauerlein’s concerns are for the future of American democracy. How can we survive without a well-informed electorate that can reason and debate the great issues? But as I read this book I could not help but fear for the future of God’s people in our culture. After all, the Bible is a book–and if the millennials are uninterested in books and therefore becoming incapable of the deep and reflective focus needed to understand the Scriptures. 

Here is what I often see. I see families who use DVD players to babysit their kids or to pacify them in trips in the van, completely missing out on the opportunity for cross-generational interaction. I remember road trips when I was a little boy (partly because I often got carsick!), but mainly because I remember how much fun it was to listen to Mom and Granny and Pop (and later, to argue with them about things like politics!). Once kids outgrow watching DVDs they have iPods and handheld video games to occupy them, and when they are older cellphones with unlimited texting. For some kids, even the short 20 minute drive to church is impossible to survive without being plugged into the lives of their peers at every moment. 

So is it any wonder that we have a generation of kids that knows each other’s list of “25 unusual facts about me,” but does not know the most basic facts about Jesus. Kids who are lagging in spiritual maturity because it is rare for an older mentor to penetrate the bubble of peer consciousness and help them grow wiser than their years. And kids who are so used to creating a digital environment tailored to their likes and interests that they resist doing anything they don’t find fun or interesting. 

The other day I was talking with one of my friends who is around 30, and I made the comment that the push for gay marriage is a clear example of the generation gap. My point was that people my age and older listen to the arguments for gay marriage, and our response is very simple – if no culture in human history (included the cultures that openly tolerated homosexuality) ever thought it was a good idea to define marriage as between a man and man or woman and woman, why should we suddenly redefine marriage now? But the problem is that a generation submerged in itself is “disassociated from tradition, with nobody telling them that sometimes they must mute the voices inside them and heed instead the voices of distant greatness” (p. 190). 

This review probably makes me sound like an old fogey! But my thoughts – like this book – are prompted by nothing but love and concern for my friends under 30. This is not an issue of innate intelligence (in fact, the IQ scores of kids continue to rise). It is the frustration at seeing so much potential for good squandered. And so, I urge all of you who are above 30 to embrace the role of curmudgeon, to challenge, prod, provoke the kids you have contact with. If you are a parent, restrict their access to the digital wasteland. And to whatever extent you have influence, help them be ready for the day to come when it is time to “put away childish things.”