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God's Way for Our Lives

Growing Up: Part 2 (The Child Stage)

January 18, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). A few weeks ago, I discussed the first of their five stages of maturity. I promised to share the other four and then promptly got distracted by the change on my blog. Today, I want to get back to this series. I hope this will spark some great discussion about growing up and growing up in the Lord and growing up God’s way.

The Child Stage (4-12)

The infant stage was marked by a needy baby who simply cannot articulate those needs. The infant needs parents who will provide unconditional love and meet needs without being asked.

The child has progressed. The child has learned to say what he needs. The child begins to learn how to take care of herself. Please note very carefully, the child begins to learn how to take care of herself, not someone else. It is not the child’s job to caretake the parent. It is not the child’s job to caretake other children. The child is learning how to take care of herself.

When roles are reversed, that is the child is having to provide the emotional or physical needs of the parent or to act the parent to the other children, he may seem mature beyond his years. However, this child will often development emotional impairment that will become apparent in years to come.

During this stage, the child still needs to receive unconditional love. She should not have to earn love. She can earn rewards, but love must always be unconditional.

Progressing to the Next Level

The child has six tasks to accomplish to help him grow to the next level of maturity.

  1. The child can ask for what is needed and learns to say what he thinks or feels.
  2. The child learns what brings personal satisfaction.
  3. The child needs to develop enough persistence to do hard things.
  4. The child begins to develop personal resources and talents.
  5. The child knows self and takes responsibility to make self understandable to others.
  6. The child needs to learn how he fits into history and into the big picture of what life is all about.

The child learns to do this as the parents and community surrounding her fulfill their responsibilities to her.

  1. The parents must teach the child how to appropriately express needs, feelings, and thoughts.
  2. The parents must teach the child how to evaluate the consequences of her own behavior and to identify what satisfies her.
  3. The parents must challenge and encourage the child to do difficult things that she may not want to do.
  4. The parents must provide opportunities and resources to develop her unique talents and abilities.
  5. The parents must guide the child to discover the unique characteristics of her heart.
  6. The parents must educate the child about her family’s history and the history of the family of God (p. 30).

Getting Stuck as a Child

If the child doesn’t accomplish these tasks, he can get stuck at this level of maturity, no matter how biologically old he is. In other words, he could be 35 biologically, but still a child emotionally.

“‘Child adults’ who have adult bodies but are emotionally at the child level of maturity, will always appear ego-centric. Unlike ‘infant adults’ who cannot take care of themselves, ‘child adults’ can take care of themselves but they can only take care of themselves–and often that is at the expense of others” (p. 21).

“Child adults” will experience continual frustration because they do not know how to ask for their needs to be met. Therefore, their needs don’t get met. They can become passive-aggressive, trying to get others to meet their needs but not knowing how to get that done. Thus, they resort to manipulation. Because they don’t understand what provides real satisfaction, they are in a desperate hunt for it, chasing it in many unhealthy places, such as obsession or addiction to food, drugs, sex, money, power, etc. Because they have never learned the joy of sticking with a hard project to successful completion, they only know failure. They become stuck and undependable. They are in a constant search for a comfortable fantasy life that doesn’t really exist for anyone. Because they haven’t developed their own talents and resources, their lives are marked by unproductive activities, floating from entertainment to recreation to entertainment, accomplishing nothing of value to themselves or society. Because they haven’t developed their own healthy sense of self and personal identity, they will conform to outside influences that distort and misshape their identity and sense of self. Because they have never seen how they fit within history and the big picture of life, they feel disconnected from the family and history. They are unable to protect themselves from family lies or dysfunctions that are passed on (p. 30).

The Spiritual Application

Regrettably, in most churches, Christians are never really allowed to be children in Christ. It is as if they are to go from babes in Christ to mature adults, even having the “elder” level of maturity almost from the beginning. They aren’t allowed to be immature. They aren’t allowed to express what they think or feel. They have to very quickly learn to toe the line of the mature Christians’ thinking around them. Of course, this mindset usually demonstrates the “mature” Christians around them aren’t quite as mature as they think.

Also, regrettably, while churches often do a good job at helping a Christian child learn the right answers to the right questions, they rarely do a good job at helping a Christian child develop their own talents and resources in serving Christ. That is, unless their talent is song-leading or waiting on the Lord’s Supper table. We have all kinds of training for those low-level public tasks. But what about the real needs in a Christian community that deal with serving, helping, one-on-one encouragement, etc. Churches do very little training in these areas.

Clearly, we need to work with Christian children to help them persevere in difficult things. Challenge them and encourage them to step up to the plate in spiritual tasks. Encourage them to study things that are deeper than what they’ve done in the past. Challenge them to serve in ways they haven’t yet. Provide guidance and support, but don’t do the work for them.

What about education in seeing themselves in the big picture of the history of the family of God? Certainly, many churches do a great job studying Acts over and over again, but what about placing each individual in the context of Christian history beginning with the Bible and leading up to today. I know I rarely think about that. In fact, before reading this, I would have said, “Who cares? It doesn’t matter what has happened throughout history. It only matters what they did in the Bible days.” I’m not suggesting the history of Christendom is some kind of authority for us. However, I can say that recently I was asked to present a lecture on some pre-reformation “heretical sects” (that is sects considered heretical by the Roman Catholic church). It was eye-opening about my own place in the continuing and unfolding drama of people throughout the ages striving to figure out how to surrender to God’s will. On a personal level, I have found great joy since reading this as I’ve made it a personal goal in my family to share our family history. For instance, it was great to learn and pass on to my children that our family name means “cross bearer” and that we have a family motto that means “The cross is my key to heaven.” What a great family legacy to pass on.

What If We’re the Ones Stuck

The scary thing is if we read this description and see ourselves. What if we are the “child adult”? As adults, we are responsible for our maturity. We can’t just sit back and bemoan the fact that our family and our community haven’t fulfilled their tasks in helping us grow. Instead, we need to find someone who is at the parent and elder stage of maturity and ask them to help us grow. Ephesians 4:11-14 says God provided certain people within His body to help us develop to manhood. We need to find some of these to help us. We need to openly and honestly tell them where we think we are and see if they are willing to mentor and shepherd us to maturity. But make sure the relationship is a healthy one. If the shepherd or mentor starts to heap unhealthy shame and guilt on you, feel free to end the mentoring part of the relationship and seek a different mentor.

Further, spend heaping amounts of time in Bible study and prayer. Allow God to mentor and shepherd you through His word. God loves you, God challenges you, God encourages you. Don’t allow the messages of shame and fright that others have used the Bible to pressure you with to shine through. Instead, allow God’s guidance, shepherding, and healthy discipline to guide you in His strait and narrow way to life.

Discussion

Tell me what you think. Does this sound a like a legitimate step of maturity? How do you think we can unstick ourselves if we are stuck in this level? Do we need to be concerned about it at all?

Continue this series by learning about the adult stage.

Filed Under: God's Way for Our Lives, Growth, Spiritual Growth Tagged With: adulthood, childhood, immaturity, maturity, Personal Growth, Spiritual Growth

I Don’t Have to Be God Today

January 11, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 3 Comments

looking to GodThe other day I was having some real struggles. I was obsessing about some conversations that I had already had and some I needed to have. In my mind, I played the video over and again of the conversations. For those that I had already finished, I replayed the video with me saying different things trying to figure out if events would have gone differently if I had said something different. For the conversations I hadn’t yet had, I was playing the tape trying to figure out how to say the exact right thing so I could fix everything in those people, our relationships, and our congregation.

 

Obsessing over these things was messing up my night, interfering with my sleep. It was messing up my day, distracting me from the real work at hand. I knew I needed to stop the obsession. It wasn’t doing any good. It wasn’t living in reality. It wasn’t helping. In fact, it was hindering.

 

Then it hit me. I knew what my problem was. In my own little way, I was trying to take care of God’s job. It’s God’s job to fix things. Not mine. My job is simply to do the next right thing. For the conversations that were already completed, the right thing was to have those conversations. I had them. I had done my job. Now it is God’s job to work in my heart and in the hearts of the others to work out His glory. It isn’t my job to try to go back and make those conversations awesome so that I get the outcome I want. For the conversations yet to come, the right thing was to have those conversations. The right thing was to state my concerns but do so gently without being judgmental. The right thing was to listen attentively and show respect. I think I did all those things. It is God’s job to work in my heart and the heart of those I spoke with to prompt us to consider our own lives and whether we are glorifying Him. 

 

What really hit me was that I’m not God. I can’t foresee the future. I can’t change the past. I’m not perfect. My words won’t be perfect. I won’t ever say the just right thing that makes everything work out just the right way all the time. When I’m obsessing over my conversations as if I can really make them perfect, I’m trying to be God. I don’t have to do that today. I can let Him do His job and I’ll just work on mine.

 

It reminds me of another incident a few weeks ago. I was invited to be part of a writing project, to which I whole-heartedly agreed. When the whole project was said and done, the editor and I had a disagreement about the use of two particular words. I stated my concerns and reasons why I thought the editor was making a mistake. But in the end, he was the editor. The project went to press his way, not mine. I was so upset. I called a friend to vent my frustration. He listened politely. He let me have my feelings, validating that I was allowed to feel that way. But then he encouraged me. He essentially said, “You know, Edwin, if God wants to use that project to help people, He can do it without having to use your words. You’ve done your job, trust Him to do His.”

 

WOW! What a concept. Let God do His job. I’m not God. I don’t have to do His job.

 

You know what. As I learn this lesson, I’m gaining some real freedom and serenity. There’s a lot of stress that comes with trying to do God’s job, stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Apparently, I’ve been trying to do God’s job a lot. Frankly, it is just too much for me. 

 

So, today, I don’t have to be God. I’ll let Him do His job and I can rest easy, because I know He does a fine job without me and doesn’t need my council or advice.

Filed Under: Being human, God's Way for Our Lives, Making Mistakes, Relationships Tagged With: controlling, God, human, imperfect, Making Mistakes, obsessing

God’s Way Works

January 4, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

God's WayWelcome to my new web-home. GOD’S WAY WORKS

Over the past two years, I’ve been enjoying a spiritual journey like never before, drawing closer to God and to God’s children. It has been a frightening time in some ways, not exactly knowing where it will lead. However, it has also been an exciting time as I continue to have spiritual breakthroughs in my personal and family life.

 

One aspect of my previous blog that I had to come to grips with is I was just spreading myself too thin. I wanted to be a Springboard. I wanted to be a help to anyone and everyone in every possible way. I wanted to help in your spiritual life, family life, professional life. I wanted to branch into helping with numerous things. What I finally realized is that I was pursuing someone else’s goal. One of my mentors is John Maxwell (I mean this in the sense that I seek out his mentoring via books, cds, websites, seminars, etc.). I have toyed with the idea that I could have a secular side and a spiritual side to my work just as he has done. However, I’m learning that is just not me. Regrettably, in moments of honesty, pursuing that secular side was really about trying to make money not because I felt like I really could be of service in the secular arena.

 

Recently, I listened to Andy Stanley’s podcasts based on his book Seven Practices of Effective Ministry (yes, that is an affiliate link) found at practicallyspeaking.org. In one of the podcasts (I think it was the one entitled “Teach Less for More”) Andy encouraged his listeners to determine the one to three things they want folks to really get out of their teaching. As a preacher, I pictured this as coming back to a congregation I worked with many years later and someone coming up and saying, “Hey, Edwin, you may not remember me, but I heard you back in _____. I just want you to know that you really helped  me. The one thing I really learned from you is ___________________________.”

 

What would you want in that blank?

 

When I heard that, I immediately knew what I wanted in there. I didn’t want, “Hey Edwin, you were a real springboard.” What I want to hear is, “Edwin, the one thing I really got from you was the conviction that GOD’S WAY WORKS.”

 

Thus, my new blog. Of course, I hope this still serves as a springboard for you. I hope it vaults you into a deeper relationship with God and with God’s people. 

 

The organization of this blog is not going though major changes. Really, it is the motivation that is going through major changes. I no longer desire to be your springboard. I simply want to discover more about God and His way because I’m convinced GOD’S WAY WORKS. This blog is not me trying to pass my spiritual expertise along to you. It is not even really me trying to pass on to you what I’ve learned. Rather, writing this blog helps me. Thinking through my journey in order to write it down in an organized way helps me really see how God is working in my life. Plus, and this is the really great benefit, writing all this down in a blog allows me the opportunity to hear what you are learning about God and His way. I want to hear what you are learning about God’s way because I’m convinced GOD’S WAY WORKS.

 

I want to invite you on this journey with me. Put your hand in God’s and let Him lead the way.

 

To find out more about this blog and my new schedule, check out “What’s Going On Here.”

 

Have a great New Year and remember:

 

GOD’S WAY WORKS

 

P.S. For those of you who have been following, I’ll get back to the series on Spiritual Maturity next Monday.

Filed Under: God's Way for Our Lives, Growth Tagged With: God's Way Works, new blog

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