God's Way for Our Lives

“I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate everything I am. I go to bed every night wishing I would wakeup with some disease and only have a few months to live. Or that I would die on the way to work in a car wreck or have a massive heart attack. That would show them wouldn’t it. Would anyone really care if I was gone? I walk around feeling empty inside and nobody notices. Why can’t anyone see how sad I am? Can’t anyone see how much pain I am in? Can’t anyone see me struggling to stay alive? I hate myself even more for having these thoughts. How weak is that? Why can’t I be a real man and get over it? I ask myself if this is a cruel joke God is playing on me? Is this payback for all the bad I had done in my life? Why am I here? I am so pathetic and such a loser.”

The responses he received were not much better.

“You and me both. I know how you feel. Every day I wake up hoping to die. I’ve been through a lot … in my lifetime. Most of the time, I don’t see what the point of living is. At university, everyone ignores me. No one cares about me. Most of my family hate me. I have no friends…I’m not even my won friend.”

“I know there are people who love me, but it doesn’t make a difference to me. I feel like you. I’m a loser.”

“Bro, I feel so close to you. I hate myself and I hate myself that I hate myself in the same time. I don’t know how to feel or what to feel. Sometime I blame life and gods but then I hate myself that I should just blame myself. I hate myself more than I hate this meanless life. I hate my boring look, my stupid brain, my weak body, and my ugly mouth that always say the wrong things.”

“I go through life pretending I am so happy, but if anyone even cared they’d look deeper. And even though I am female, I totally understand how you feel. They all say life is a rollercoaster, but it feels like it is only going down and down further each day.”

Someone finally posted:

GOD LOVES YOU! Nothing is more important than that.

To which the next responder replied:

“I wish I could believe in that premise, but I’m finding it hard these days. I have failed at everything I’ve ever done and tried. At the same time, I’ve done nothing wrong. I’ve been a hard-working blue collar guy all of my life. I’ve never broken a law or hurt anyone. Now, at 47, laid off from my job nearly a year, a wife of 19 years who looks at me like a loser. No kids. Little savings. The only thing I truly love are my two dogs who are always faithful.

“I look back and conclude that my life has been pointless. Utterly meaningless. I hate myself so much, that I love my own honesty about it.

“I hate myself so much that I pray for death. I am a 30-year smoker and am happy about it. Lung cancer, colon cancer, a massive coronary all sound good to me. I’ll take any of them. Then I can go down for the long sleep and all of this…would be over. No more worries. No more insomnia or nightmares. Not another morning waking to nothingness. Worthlessness. Pain.

“The only reason I haven’t put a bullet thru my head is because of the last remaining shred of Christianity, that suicide is the ultimate sin from which there is no forgiveness. So, I’m finding it harder to believe that God is here, or cares. I have sinned like all humans on this planet and regret them all. But, if he’s there, he’s forsaken me. I guess I don’t blame him. I would too if I were him.”

Self-loathing and self-hatred: Some of us have it down to a science. Some of us are even convinced we are more spiritual because of our negative feelings toward ourselves. We are sure that any kind of love we have for ourselves would only be selfishness, self-centeredness, arrogance. We are sure that any kind of love we might have for ourselves would mean we weren’t seeing ourselves in the sinful light we are sure we must recognize. I’d like to share a Biblical revelation with you. We are allowed to love ourselves.

Some hearing this will think this is no big deal and wonder why I’m even sharing such depressing stuff. Others are saying they know how these people online feel and want to find out where this stuff came from. They are saying, “Are you sure? Are you sure I’m allowed to love myself? If you knew me like I do, you wouldn’t be saying that.” I’m talking to you. God says you are allowed to love yourself.

Why do Christians Struggle with Self-Loathing?

For those who don’t understand, here’s the problem. Some look at their sins and equate their existence with their sinfulness. They don’t just despise their sins; they despise themselves for their sins. I understand that. With each new sin, no matter how small or great, we receive another reminder of how worthless and unlovable we are.

Some look at their bodies. They see themselves as too thin or too fat, too tall or too short, too plain, too out of proportion, maybe their ears are too big or their chin is too small. They equate their body with themselves and hate themselves a little more every time they look in the mirror. As an overweight guy, I can understand that too.

Some listen to the negative messages they’ve heard from parents, professors, and peers: “You’re never going to amount to anything.” “You’re so pathetic.” “You’re a loser.” “You’re worthless.” “I don’t even know why I had you.” “I don’t even know why they let you in this school.” “I don’t even know why I’m friends with you.” “You’re the worst __________.”

Some want to be perfect and every mistake adds another level of loathing. Each failure reinforces the messages they heard from others and they play those messages over and over again in their heads. I haven’t heard all these, but I’ve heard some things. I understand this.

Some look at how they’ve treated others and the mistakes they’ve made in relationships. Every time they see someone they’ve hurt, they heap punishment on themselves. How could the one they’ve hurt love them; how can they love themselves? I wish this one didn’t ring so true. But I get it.

Then, they “go to church” and see everyone wearing their Sunday smiles, and hate themselves a little more for not being strong and perfect like everyone else. You ought to try being the guy who looks out over the whole audience each week to see what appear to be a whole bunch of people who have it together. It’s a weekly reminder of, “Why on earth am I the guy up here preaching?”

For you, “hate” and “loathe” may be too strong of terms. But how do you talk to yourself? Do you call yourself names? “Idiot,” “Loser,” “Moron.” Do you talk down to yourself? “If you had half a brain, you wouldn’t make mistakes like this.” “You’re such a ______, no wonder nobody likes you.” Do you punish yourself over and over again? “I don’t deserve to have a relationship, I’ll sabotage this one.” “I don’t deserve to be thin, I’m going to eat two extra helpings of ice cream.” “I don’t deserve to be pretty, I’ll go out in my rattiest clothes and refuse to try to look nice.” If you treated someone else the way you treat yourself, would they mistake it for love? Maybe your feelings aren’t as dark as those shared at the beginning of this post, but are you treating yourself the way God wants you to?

I know the struggle with these feelings. I like to say that “hate” and “loathe” are too strong of terms for how I’ve felt about myself. Maybe they are. But I can guarantee you that when I talk to others the way I talk to myself about mistakes, value, life in general, no one would mistake it for love. If I talk to my wife the way I talk to myself, she would not think I was loving her. In fact, she probably would think I hate her. If I talk to my kids the way I talk to myself most of the time, they’d end up in therapy (that may happen anyway). I get it.

I’m even one of those people who likes to tell myself this is how I’m supposed to treat me because it is really spiritual. I should despise me for my sins and imperfections. That means I have a realistic self-image based on the Bible. After all, the Bible rebukes all the sins I’ve committed and says I deserve judgment for what I’ve done. I should not like me. If I like me, that means I like the sins I’ve committed. I don’t do as some, flagellating themselves with whips and hurting themselves physically (based on a misunderstanding of I Corinthias 9:27). But verbally and mentally I’ve been there. You should hear the names I call myself when I simply make a wrong turn. If I said that to someone else, folks would be scandalized.

Loving Ourselves

But then I reread Matthew 22:37-40. The two greatest commandments are, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” The second is very similar, Jesus said, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”

I’ve read these commands before. I’ve been in classes about them. I’ve preached sermons about them. But on a gut, emotional, core value level, I missed something about these verses. There are two commands about love, but there is a third statement about love within them. It is not a command because it is simply assumed. We are supposed to love our neighbors as we love ourselves.

Do not miss the profound nature of this. Not only are we allowed to love ourselves, we are supposed to love ourselves. Loving ourselves is the foundation for loving others properly. If we despise ourselves, loathe ourselves, and hate ourselves, we will not be able to love others properly or in a healthy way.

The sad reality is too many of us do love others exactly the way we love ourselves, we hate ourselves so we hate others. Maybe “hate” is too strong of a word in this case too. But I think of my statements above about talking to my wife and children. There I said, “if.” I should actually say, “when.” Because I have talked to them these ways. However, as I’ve grown, I’ve discovered that when I talk to others this way, almost without fail I’m not really angry at others. I’m angry at me. The self-loathing simply wells up inside and despite my best efforts to control it seeps forth like too much jello in a mold. My experience is most of my outbursts at others are actually outbursts at myself directed outwardly. It is as if some part of me wants them to feel about me the way I do in that moment and so I’ll sabotage the relationship so they can punish me as I’m sure I deserve. Or these outbursts are attempts to be able to shift my own gaze on to someone else so I can convince myself that they are really the bad one and I can think better of me.

Though I don’t need personal experience to know what Jesus says is true, I have seen my own experience support what Jesus says here. We have to love ourselves properly before we’ll love others properly. When I am most hateful with myself, that is when I’m most hateful with others.

Look again at what Jesus said. “You shall love your neighbor as you love yourself.” Not only are we allowed to love ourselves and supposed to love ourselves, these verses demonstrates that God expects us to love ourselves. Jesus didn’t command loving ourselves, He simply assumed we would.

If you’re like me, hearing this for the first time, you are probably raising all kinds of objections. “What? This sounds like narcissism to me. This sounds like selfishness and self-centeredness.” Of course God doesn’t condone narcissism. I’m not saying we are allowed to be obsessed with ourselves. Of course God doesn’t allow selfishness and self-centeredness. I’m not saying God allows us to hate others while we focus on ourselves. However, there is no getting around it. God assumes that we’ll love ourselves. In fact, He has said this not once, but twice. In Ephesians 5:28-29, Paul says husbands should love their wives as they love themselves, nourishing and cherishing them. Again, he didn’t command the love of self. He simply assumed it.

More to Come

Over the next few weeks, I want to delve into this topic. I want to explore it because I need to. I think many readers here need this as well. I want to begin by looking at God’s love for us and then examine I Corinthians 13 and how it applies to loving ourselves. That will help us get a good grasp on what we would actually do if we were to love ourselves. I hope this series lifts you up, draws you closer to God, and helps you find your worth in your relationship with God not your own personal accomplishments.

If you are willing, we’d love to hear from you on here about your own struggles or questions about this issue. That will help me know the direction to take these posts.

For right now, let me simply reiterate the message of the picture at the beginning of this post. Feel free to love yourself today.

Check out the next installment in this series here.

By the way, if you would like to check out a sermon I presented on this topic, go here.

God Doesn’t Care About Our Politics

March 29, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 18 Comments

voting by Vaguely Artistic I’m really bothered by all the political banter I’m hearing among Christians, especially since last week’s vote about healthcare. Now don’t misunderstand me. I have political opinions. I’m happy for others to have them, even if they disagree with me. I’m not one of these guys who thinks just because someone expresses a political opinion they must not be properly centered spiritually. What bothers me, however, is how many Christians and religious people are beginning to accept the lead of the religious right that says one of the church’s main goals is to get to Washington and enact “Christian legislation.” I’m very bothered by the number of Christians that seem to think their political opinions are bible opinions and judge those who disagree as not quite as spiritual as they are.

Let me share with you some principles that help me keep my balance about politics and my relationship with God. I know this is not the normal position for today’s Christian. I simply ask that you give me a fair hearing before you start judging me as having lost my mind.

God never asked for a Christian nation.

Christians everywhere are upset because President Obama told somebody America is not a Christian nation. I don’t know what he meant by it and I don’t know what you mean by it, all I know is God never asked for Christian nations. So why get stressed about it?

In Hebrews 12:26-29, the Hebrew writer claims God was going to shake out the Old Covenant kingdom so we could receive a kingdom that cannot be shaken. Why would we want to stress having another kingdom that can be shaken out of the way (and eventually will, no matter how much we love our country) when God is giving us a kingdom that can’t be shaken? Is God’s kingdom so trivial to us that we have to boost it with our earthly kingdom as well?

In John 18:36, Jesus said His kingdom is not of this world. Why then do we get bent out of shape when we learn that a kingdom of this world is not Christ’s kingdom? Jesus said if His kingdom were of this world, His disciples would stand up and fight by earthly means. But they weren’t fighting because that wasn’t what His kingdom was about. Yet today, His disciples are completely caught up in an earthly fight through political means to somehow preserve a Christian Nation that God didn’t establish.

God has His kingdom. According to I Peter 2:9, we are part of that kingdom because we are in Christ, not because we are in America. The fact is there are Russians that are part of God’s nation, there are Mexicans, Canadians, French, South African, Nigerian, Italian, British, and all other nationalities of people in Christ’s kingdom and it has nothing to do with their national citizenship. I love America. My Dad’s life was devoted to defending America. My brother is devoting his life to the same cause. I have good friends who have done the same. I’m proud of their patriotism and their sacrifice to defend our nation. But I have to keep very clear that defending America is not the same as defending Christ’s holy nation.

God worked through an earthly nation during His old covenant, but He has moved on from that now. He has a spiritual kingdom. If He wanted a Christian nation, He could have revealed through the apostles how to get Rome to be His nation, but He didn’t. Why are we getting all bent out of shape about that now? What passage would we go to to tell us how to establish the Christian nation God supposedly wants?

God has never asked us to spread His gospel through political means.

In 2 Corinthians 10:3-6, Paul makes it clear that we don’t use earthly, fleshly means to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ. They weren’t under a democracy. They wouldn’t vote. They would take up arms and revolt. But Paul said that wasn’t what they were about. They weren’t concerned with overthrowing the Roman government in order to make it a Christian one. They didn’t go to Caesar and try to get him to pass Christian friendly laws. Why on earth would we think our job is to spread the gospel through political means?

In Matthew 28:18-19, Jesus didn’t say go make Christian nations. He said to make Christians within every nation. In Mark 16:15-16, Jesus didn’t say to go and turn every nation into a democracy. He didn’t say, go and make sure all the nations have Christian laws. He said go and make disciples all over the world. In Romans 10:15, Paul didn’t write how beautiful are the feet of those with certain political opinions or who vote for certain laws. He said the feet of those who preach the gospel are beautiful. In II Timothy 2:2, when Paul was concerned with Timothy leaving behind a legacy for Christ and preparing the way for another generation of Christians, he didn’t tell Timothy to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar for better laws. He told Timothy to teach faithful men who would in their turn teach other faithful men to teach.

Somehow, we’ve bought into the distraction of the religious right that getting a law against abortion or homosexuality ratified in our Constitution will actually be some kind of major victory for Christ. Bologna. Let’s face it, not one single person has been saved because of anyone’s vote for any candidate or for any law. The victory that Christ wants is not to outlaw abortion or homosexuality. The victory Christ wants is for us to carry the message of His saving death to new people whose lives will be changed so they won’t have abortions or commit homosexuality anymore no matter what the national law is. If righteousness could come by a law, then the Old Covenant law of Israel would have done it. Why do we think if we get American law to correspond with the New Testament teaching that it will produce righteousness among Americans? Only the message of faith in Jesus is going to accomplish that and Jesus doesn’t need a national law to back Him up for it to work.

We need to remember that immorality and idolatry were rampant in the days of the New Testament, but God didn’t once ask anyone to try to get the emperor to pass any laws against all that. He simply asked His children to spread His soul saving gospel.

The Constitution is not the Bible, Part 2

I love the Constitution. I think it is one of the greatest political documents of all time. I have strong feelings about how it should be read and interpreted. I have many concerns that it is not being interpreted properly by our government today. I am concerned about what that means for our nation’s future. However, those are political opinions, not spiritual ones. I have to remember that the Constitution is not divine or divinely inspired. We don’t have the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Constitution Testament.

I can get into all kinds of arguments about defending the Constitution, but that is not the same as defending God’s word or God’s will. The fact is, the Bible never says anything about how to read the Constitution. It never even says anything about whether or not the Constitution is the right way to govern a nation. The Bible never says anything about whether or not a nation even needs a Constitution like ours. It just isn’t there. Yet, Christians nationwide act like they are defending the Bible when they defend their interpretation of the Constitution.

I’ve heard people claim that we need to protect our “God-given rights.” We have these rights by the providence of God because Romans 13:1 says the government is established by God. That is not an accurate view of that verse or our American rights. Our rights to free speech, practice religion as we want, assemble, bear arms, speedy trial by a jury of our peers, life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are not God-given rights. Please, if you are convinced that they are, find the passage in Scripture that claims we have any of those rights? These are government-given rights. I’m very happy to live in a nation whose government claims we have these rights and I will gladly stand up to fight for these rights. But, again, that is a political opinion, not a spiritual one. It is not a Bible opinion.

Romans 13:1 isn’t talking about democracies. It isn’t talking about American government. It is talking about all governments. It is talking about Nero’s government, Hitler’s government, Stalin’s governments. The point behind Romans 13:1 is not that what a government established by God does is the right thing to do and we as Christians must defend it like it is the same as the Bible. Rather, it simply means we must submit to our governing authorities (unless, of course, they ask us to disobey God; Acts 5:29).

When I’m defending my opinions about the Constitution, I’m not defending God’s will. When I’m defending America, I’m not defending Christ’s nation. The Constitution is not the Bible, part 2, and I must not trivialize God’s real word by trying to somehow equate a document of men with it.

God only expressed one political opinion.

There are a bajillion political issues out there. We can argue about taxes, healthcare, marriage, abortion, immigration, the environment, defense, homeland security, our President’s birthplace and on and on and on the list goes. To my knowledge, God did not express a political opinion on any one of these issues. We need to realize that all of these issues were present in the Roman world. They dealt with taxes. They dealt with defense and security. Abortion was going on. They even killed children after they were born. Homosexuality was commonplace. Idolatry was rampant. But God never once said anything political about any of these things.

1 Timothy 2:2 is the only political opinion expressed in the New Testament that I know of. Paul didn’t tell the Christians to get up in political arms about the bad laws governing the Roman empire. All he asked was for the Christians to pray that their government would allow them to lead peaceful, quiet, godly lives. We should still be asking for that. Right now, God is granting that request. We are allowed to lead peaceful, quiet, godly lives. I know some people pitch a fit about it. I know some people don’t like it. But right now, we are allowed to serve God as we wish, practice obedience as we wish, assemble as we wish. Nobody has stopped that. Maybe they will one day, but they aren’t stopping it right now. Maybe instead of complaining like we don’t have these freedoms, we should spend more time thanking God that we do have these freedoms and asking Him to continue them. Then maybe we can go talk to our neighbors about God’s saving Gospel and it might change their lives so they don’t practice homosexuality or get an abortion.

God expects His children to unite around principles greater than politics.

I love being in a democracy, but I’m increasingly convinced it may not be the best situation for Christians. Why? Because democracy came on the scene and Christians have been dividing over politics ever since. Maybe it was better when there was no vote under the Roman Empire and Christians just accepted what they were given and did the best they could to live godly lives in the situation they were given.

I’m often astounded by the conglomeration of people Jesus pooled together to form His group of apostles. I’m most astounded by the coming together of Matthew the tax collector and Simon the Zealot. I wonder what kind of political discussions they had around the fire at night. A tax collector was a Roman sympathizer, not only did he not have a problem with Roman occupation, he used it to make money. A Zealot hated Roman occupation and tried any means to get them out, even insurrection at times. These two were complete polar opposites politically. But there is no indication they had to change their politics to serve Jesus. Matthew didn’t have to become a Zealot to be among the 12 and Simon didn’t have to become a Roman sympathizer. Jesus expected them to unite around something greater than politics.

Satan will use anything he can to get us to divide among ourselves. Politics seems to be the big thing right now. I’ve even heard of some Christians defriending each other on Facebook over the political opinions surrounding the healthcare vote. How sad is that?

Jesus did not die to form the Republican party. Jesus did not die to form the Democrat party. Jesus didn’t even die to start democracies. We do need to remember that neither Jesus nor any of the apostles were believers in democracy. There wasn’t democracy in their day. We need to understand that someone can have completely different political opinions from us and still be a good Christian, just like the apostles were.

Jesus did not die to make sure healthcare was privatized or nationalized. In fact, I’m guessing Jesus doesn’t care how we get healthcare. Jesus died so our souls could be cared for eternally. He expects us to unite around the eternal principles of salvation in Him and not divide around temporal political concerns about nations.

Here is what I try to remember. If I really want to do something good in God’s eyes for my nation, instead of worrying about everyone else’s political opinions, I need to talk to someone about Jesus. He didn’t die to make Christian nations. He died to make Christians in every nation. If I’m going to keep my proper spiritual perspective, I’ve got to understand that political opinions are just that. They are political opinions. I’m allowed to have them. You are allowed to have them. If we disagree, we can discuss them. But we must not let them divide us. We must not think a political discussion is a biblical discussion. God never intended that.

Let’s remember that the most important thing that happened last Sunday was not the vote on healthcare. The most important thing is the gospel was preached to millions. The death of Jesus was remembered by multitudes. Some were added to the Lord through baptism into Christ. What happened in Washington was neither a victory or a defeat for Jesus or His people. Rather, Jesus was once again victorious in a multitude of ways because His people gathered and proclaimed Him as He asked. We’ll continue doing that no matter what happens in Washington.

Please, remember, God’s way works and God’s ways are not political.

(If you are interested in reading or listening to the sermon I presented on these same issues, please go here.)

Coping with Change

March 22, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 1 Comment

Sorry I missed last week. We had a lot going on, mostly stressful.

We were out of town over the last weekend. We came home to a house with a busted water heater that had to be repaired. On Wednesday, Marita’s Maw-maw died. On Friday, we held her funeral. On Sunday, I announced to people that I love dearly that we believe it is time for us to move to a new congregation. On June 20 of this year, I’ll start working with the Brownsburg Church of Christ in Brownsburg, Indiana. I’ll say again here as I have in so many places, I have many mixed emotions. I have a great deal of sadness about being separated from so many good friends who I love so much. I also have a great deal of excitement about new possibilities with a new group of people.

What does all of this mean?

First, it means the next three months are going to be a very stress filled time for my family and me. I’ll try to keep up the blog regularly, but this may mean I miss some days as I devote time to getting my house ready. Be patient with me.

Second, it means change. I fear change. I like status quo. With status quo, there is no second-guessing. Except, there is. There is always the second guess that change might have been good. How do we cope with change, whether it was a personal decision to change or a change thrust upon us by others or by circumstances?

Perhaps this won’t shock anyone, but I am learning to rely on the message of Romans 8:28: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Too many of us sit in paralyzed fear wondering if the proposed change is God’s secret will for our lives. What I am learning is my job today is to love God. That means, whatever choice I make needs to be in accord with God revealed Word. That’s simply because I need to serve God. When I live by the principle to simply to do the next right thing because I love God, He’ll work together whatever I do and whatever anyone else does and whatever happens in the world to help me be glorified. I may not see how what is happening today will allow for that. I may be terribly sad, awfully angry, even cruelly hurt today. However, sometime down the road, I’ll be able to see that all of this worked together for good. Maybe I won’t even be able to see it until I stand in eternity. However, I will be able to look back and see it.

We often say, “Hindsight is 20/20.” Romans 8:28 is asking us to live with that hindsight right now. It is asking us not to wait until years down the road to realize whatever is going on today will actually work out for my good in the end. It is asking me to trust God and learn that whatever change is taking place today will be used by God to lead to my glorification in Jesus Christ.

That’s how I am learning to cope with change. I’m sure I’ll need you to remind me of that sometimes. I don’t always keep that in my head properly. Today, I’m remembering it.

Have a great week and remember that God’s way works.

Growing Up: Part 5 (The Elder Stage)

March 8, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). In the past few Mondays, as we looked at God’s way for our individual lives, I’ve been sharing some of what I learned from this book. I’ve already looked at the infant stage, the child stage, the adult stage and the parent stage of maturity. Today, let’s look at the elder stage (beginning when the youngest child has become an adult).

The Elder Stage

While we always continue to mature, this is the highest level of maturity shared by the authors of The Life Model. We need to remember that just because someone’s children have become adults, doesn’t mean they automatically enter this elder stage of maturity. Sadly, some may have biologically raised children to adulthood but still be children themselves. This is simply the authors’ marker for when this stage can begin.

True elders are comfortable in their own skin. They act like themselves in the midst of difficulty. They don’t check the winds of change, putting their finger to the air, to see how they need to act and react. They have become comfortable with who God has made them to be, with their actions, their reactions, their responses. They are also comfortable helping their community grow based on its God-given identity, not trying to force on the community what the elder wants it to be. They see the value and potential in all others, helping them accomplish their reach their potential and goals. Elders are able to look past the flaws and facades of others to see what God has designed them to be.

Elders do not simply parent their own children, they work to parent the community. “They can handle criticism and rejection, speak the truth even when it is not easy or popular, serve without being appreciated, encourage needed growth and change, delight in younger people’s skill and power, and place what is best for the community over personal fairness and preference” (p. 23).

Finally, true elders recognize that those with struggling biological families need a spiritual family. They need a spiritual family to help them heal, grow, and thrive. These elders are willing to give the nurture and care needed in these situations treating these “spiritual adoptees” with the same care they would their own biological children.

Maturity Tasks of the Elder

According to the authors, there are four tasks for the elders to accomplish as they continue to grow within the community.

Elders establish an accurate community identity and act like themselves in the midst of difficulty.
Elders prize each community member, and enjoy the true self in each individual.
Elders parent and mature the community.
Elders give life to those without a family through spiritual adoption (p. 33).

The elders accomplish these tasks as the community responds in the following ways, respectively.

The community recognizes elders within the community.
The community provides opportunities for elders to be involved with those in all of the other maturity stages.
The community creates a structure to help the elders do their job, which allows people at every stage of maturity to interact properly with those in other stages, and listen to the wisdom of maturity.
The community places a high value on being a spiritual family to those with no family (p. 33).

When Elders Fail

If elders fail to accomplish these maturity tasks, the community suffers. There is disorder. There is meaninglessness. There is lack of direction for the community. The community will begin to disintegrate at every level. When elders fail to prize and value each member of the community, life-giving interactions diminish. At-risk, hurting, and struggling people fail to heal and survive. Interdependence within the community is stunted, and thus, the community’s growth is stunted. When true elders don’t lead, parenting the community properly, unqualified people do, resulting in immaturity across the community. When true elders do not parent and adopt those whose biological families are not sufficient, poverty, violence, crisis, crime, and mental disorders increase. Obviously, when those whose biological parents aren’t bringing them to maturity have no one who mentors them, they simply won’t mature.

Seeing the sad prospect of a community without qualified and true elders helps us understand the sad statement made by the authors: “Sadly, most in our culture never make it to this level of maturity. This is unfortunate because the success of any country, community, school or church body will have a direct correlation to the presence of true elders who are guiding and advising” (p. 23). In other words, when elders fail to fulfill their tasks, the community fails to grow to maturity as a whole.

The Spiritual Application

I think the spiritual application at this level is abundantly clear. Churches need elders. Without true and qualified elders, churches cannot mature and grow. Without men who will parent and grow the brethren within the congregation, the congregation will be stunted. Look at churches across the nation. What is the real problem going on within so many? Do they not have elders because they are small? Or are they small because they don’t have true elders?

I can’t help but think of Ezekiel 34:2-10. God was bringing judgment upon Judah because her shepherds weren’t shepherding. The flock had disintegrated and was scattered across the mountains. This was written within the context of the Babylonian captivity. Babylon was destroying Judah and it was because there weren’t true elders guiding that nation. I find Ezekiel 34:10 very interesting. God was delivering Judah up to captivity, but He called it a deliverance from these awful shepherds who had dealt so poorly with Judah.

God has given qualifications for elders within His communities (I Timothy 3:1-7; Titus 1:5-9). Without getting in depth with these qualifications, I think we can all see that the essence of these lists says God wants mature Christians to be elders within His churches. If we want more true shepherds in our congregations, then more of us have to work on spiritual maturity. We have to start by first being disciples, surrendering our lives to God. We have to begin with personal growth. If no one matures, then there will be no elders and eventually there will be no churches. Oh, sure there will be groups that call themselves churches, but they will not be what God wants. Eventually, as He did with the seven churches of Asia, He will judge the churches and remove their lampstand.

Concluding the Series

I spoke with one friend who said he was reading this series, but then got depressed and had to quit. I can completely understand that. As I read The Life Model, I became quite discouraged. As I’ve thought more about maturing, I see more clearly how far I have to grow. That can seem overwhelming. However, I’ve begun to emotionally grasp another concept that is helping me. Time is not my enemy. Time is my friend. I don’t have to be at the elder level of maturity by the weekend. I just need to grow some more between now and then. I can grow a little today. Then tomorrow, I’ll grow a little more. And the next day. And the next. In God’s good time, if I continue to grow in Him, He’ll mature me.

Let’s keep growing together.

Growing Up: Part 4 (The Parent Stage)

February 22, 2010 by Edwin Crozier Leave a Comment

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). In the past few Mondays, as we looked at God’s way for our individual lives, I’ve been sharing some of what I learned from this book. I’ve already looked at the infant stage, the child stage and the adult stage of maturity. Today, let’s look at the parent stage (birth of 1st child until youngest child is an adult).

The Parent Stage

This is where I begin to really get a bit worried about me. The Life Model begins this section by saying, “Biologically being a parent does not automatically put you at the parent stage of maturity. In fact, many parents are not at this level. You know that you are at the parent stage, however, when you can sacrificially care for your children without resenting the sacrifice or expecting to receive anything for your efforts. You may feel exhausted or overwhelmed at times, but you still will be able to appreciate, not begrudge, your sacrifice” (p. 22).

This presents a problem for many in our society. We often have an entitlement mindset. We are entitled to our fun, our recreation, our plans, our goals. Having children shouldn’t get in the way of any of that. This becomes even more apparent since more and more people are becoming parents biologically because they thought they were entitled to the pleasures of sex without being impacted by its natural consequences. Too many of us parents think we are entitled to keep doing everything we were doing when we were simply independent adults (biologically) and should never be asked to sacrifice anything, neither time, money, effort, recreation, social activities, or goals.

Having said all of that, I love these two sentences in the book: “Parenting does involve sacrifice, but it is not about giving up who you are. It is about becoming who you are!” (p. 22).

4 Tasks for Parents

There are four tasks parents must learn to accomplish if they will grow to the elder stage of maturity.

Parents must learn to protect, serve, and enjoy their families.
Parents must learn to take care of their children without expecting to be taken care of by the children in return.
Parents must learn to allow and provide spiritual parents and siblings for their children.
Parents must learn how to bring their children through difficult times and return them to joy from other emotions (p. 32).

Maturing parents will quickly learn that accomplishing these tasks requires support from a community and guidance from other parents who have already matured and walked this path ahead of us. We alone cannot provide all that our children will need as they mature into adults. If we are wise we will bring other people into our children’s lives to help as spiritual parents and siblings. We’ll rely on shepherds in the church. We’ll rely on other mature safe parents. We’ll rely on extended family. We’ll rely on others who can, along with us, help our children mature and grow.

The essence of parenting is striving to represent God to our families. We need to learn to act as God acts. Love as God loves. Teach as God teaches. Discipline as God disciplines. Help as God helps. When we can accomplish this, we are ready to move into the final stage of maturity.

We accomplish these tasks as the community and extended family provide the following four supports:

The community gives both parents the opportunity to sacrificially contribute to their family.
The community promotes devoted parenting.
The community encourages relationships between children and extended spiritual family members.
The community supports parent by giving them encouragement, guidance, breaks, and opportunities to recharge (p. 32).

When Parents Don’t Mature

When parents don’t mature to protect, serve, enjoy their families, the family members are at risk, deprived, and feel worthless or unimportant. Further, this lack of care for the children often calls on the children to care for the parents. Some call this parentifying the children. Sadly, we commonly see these parentified children as mature beyond their years. However, in the long run it usually stunts their emotional maturity. It is a form of emotional abuse. Of course, it make maturity really difficult to accomplish because this troubled person is pretty sure they are mature and will hardly listen to any ideas to the contrary.

When parents won’t bring in trusted members of the community to help mature and develop their children, the children can become vulnerable to peer pressure, cults, and misfortune. Further, the parents themselves can get completely overwhelmed. It is not more mature to try to parent our children completely on our own. Both parents and children need to the support of the community around us. Further, if we don’t learn to bring our children back to joy, they can get lost in their sadness, depressed and despairing. The family units begin to disintegrate because there is no joy and peace to connect them with each other.

The Spiritual Application

Think about our church community. Are we providing what our parents need to mature themselves and help their children mature. I can’t help but think that the community that makes up the church is rarely trying to accomplish this. Instead, the community is relying on the organization of the church to do this. It is not really Christians helping Christians but a church organized plan. There may be mother’s day out programs, there may be extensive youth groups, there may be sermons preached, but are the members of the community really reaching out to have these interactive relationships with each other and provide the community that is really needed to help us all mature. It seems to me that the quick and easy solution so many churches are looking to is only carrying on the problem. Like the parentified child, we can hardly see how we are not really accomplishing the maturity that we want.

We don’t need church organized programs to accomplish this. What we need is Christians getting involved with each other. We need mature parents taking maturing parents under their wings. We need elders setting the example. We need shepherds guiding the sheep in the flock, not merely administering the business of the fold. We need personal sacrifice of time, money, effort, etc. Look at the community of the very first church in Acts 2-6. These people sacrificed for each other. They cared for each other. They didn’t establish church programs, youth groups, mothers-day-outs, nursery schools. The members took care of each other.

We need parents to be humble and lean on God by leaning on the brethren God has given them. We need children to not simply be age-segregated off into groups of age-based peers. We need the older to teach the younger. We need to introduce our children to questioning, learning, and mentoring by other mature Christians. Perhaps we need the same thing.

Of course, if we’re still not even at the adult level of maturity, we need to back up and grow or we’ll never be able to parent. Let’s be honest with ourselves about this growth and become responsible for our maturity.

Make sure you come back next week for the final installment of this look at maturity as presented in The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you

Growing Up: Part 3 (The Adult Stage)

February 15, 2010 by Edwin Crozier 1 Comment

I recently read a very interesting book that provided an intriguing look at growing up, maturing (wait for it…wait for it… yes, here it is, an associate link: The Life Model: Living from the heart Jesus gave you). I’ve already looked at the infant stage and the child stage of maturity, today, we want to look at the adult stage (ages 13-birth of the first child).

The Adult Stage (13 to birth of first child)

The infant staged was marked by complete neediness. The infant neither knows what it needs or how to express its needs. Someone else has to provide for the baby’s needs. The infant moves into the childhood stage as he learns to take care of himself. The child learns how to express needs, wants and feelings. However, the only person the child is capable of caring for is self. “You will know when a person has graduated from the child level of maturity to the adult level because he will shift from a being a self-centered child to a both-centered adult. While a child needs to learn me-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for me), an adult learns we-centered fairness (how do I make it fair for us)” (pp. 21-22). If it seems that in any given relationship you have to give more, listen more, tolerate more to maintain the relationship then the other person is likely still in the child stage. By the same token, if you spend most of your relationships complaining about how everyone else doesn’t seem to give you what you need, perhaps you are seeing a need to work on maturity in your own life. That is especially the case if you are complaining about your kids not giving enough. Sadly, in too many cases we have children in adult bodies, expecting adults in children’s bodies to provide their needs for them. That is dysfunction at its height. Yet, many of us are blinded to it because of our own immaturity.

There are 6 personal tasks each person must accomplish in the adult stage of maturity to move on to the next level:

The adult learns to care for self and others simultaneously in mutually satisfying relationships.
The adult learns to remain stable in difficult situations, and learns how to return self and others to joy.
The adult learns to bond with peers and develops a group identity.
The adult learns to take responsibility for how personal actions affect others, including protecting others from self.
The adult learns to contribute to the community; learns how to articulate “who we are” as part of belonging to the community.
The adult learns to express the characteristics of his or hear heart in a deepening personal style (p. 31).

The adult accomplishes these tasks as his or her family and community accomplishes the following tasks respectively:

The family and community provides opportunities for the adult to participate in group life.
The family and community affirms that the adult will make it through difficult times.
The family and community provides positive environment where peers can bond.
The family and community teaches adults that their behaviors impact others and impact history.
The family and community provides opportunities to be involved in important community tasks.
The family and community holds the adult accountable while still accepting and affirming the aspects of his or her true self (p. 31).

As you can see, adulthood is the time when we learn how to relate well to others. Adulthood is when we learn how to care for others as well as ourselves. As infants, we were dependent. As children, we learn independence. As adults, we learn interdependence.

As a community or a family, we must learn to provide the opportunities for the adult to practice interdependence. I think this is a struggle for most North American communities because we prize independence so much. We think we are promoting maturity, when actually we are locking people into immaturity.

Stuck in Adulthood

If we do not learn these lessons of maturity, there are some pretty significant dysfunctions that develop in our lives. If we cannot accomplish the task of caring for others along with self, we remain self-centered. Other people will always be dissatisfied with us, they will be frustrated with us. Our relationships will never deepen. We’ll never be able to have truly mutually deep relationships. What an impact not learning these lessons will have in marriage. Do you think perhaps this is the reason the divorce rate is so high these days?

If we never learn to hang on to stability and return to joy despite what we face, we’ll learn instead to conform to peer pressures. We’ll rely on negative and destructive group activities. Is it any wonder that gangs become popular for young adults. They aren’t learning to have personal stability or to find stability from God, so they get involved in groups that seem to provide some kind of stability and identity. Of course, the other potential problem is not bonding with any group and becoming a loner, isolating, having a huge sense of self-importance. We’ll think we can handle everything on our own and cause damage in all our relationships.

If we cannot learn to take personal responsibility for our own actions and how our actions impact others, we can become controlling, manipulative, blaming, harmful. We crash through life without concern for who is in our path. This includes damage inflicted on spouses and even children, not to mention co-workers, neighbors, fellow church members. All we can think about is ourselves and what we aren’t getting. We will never stop to think what others are facing and how our actions impact them. We only think about how they impact us and we become users and manipulators.

If we cannot learn to contribute to the community, we become a drain on the community. There doesn’t seem to be much in between ground here. We are either uplifting or we are down-dragging. We are either adding life to our family and community or we are sucking life out of it.

Finally, if we cannot learn to express who we are and the God-given characteristics of our heart, we’ll never have the self-confidence to live the way God has designed us. Instead, we’ll constantly be trying to fill roles that others have developed for us. We’ll spin our wheels trying to prove ourselves to the world, to our peers, to the “judges” of our community. We will constantly hang on the approval of others and even become willing to sell out on our values to get it (p. 31).

If you are like me, you may have thought just getting to adulthood is good enough, learning the childhood lessons ought to be fine. However, if we wish to have personal fulfillment and be beneficial to our families and communities (neighborhood, church, work) we need to keep working on maturing.

The Spiritual Application For Individuals

We’re not done growing. We’ve learned what we need as Christians. We’ve learned how to express our needs. We’ve learned how we fit in the big picture of Christianity, our congregation, our community. We’ve even learned to take care of ourselves. But God didn’t save us through Jesus so we could take care of ourselves. God saved us so we could be a blessing to others. God saved us so we can learn to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2).

This is where our faith really gets tested. During infancy and childhood, we may think there aren’t any problems out there in the Christian world. We may develop idealistic notions that as long as we do what is right, everything will just work out. But that is not how it works. Satan attacks. Others falter. Personalities clash. Immaturity causes dysfunction. We continue to struggle with issues we think should have been overcome early on. We can become disillusioned with Christ and His church and even our own growth. We need to learn that daily problems doesn’t mean something is wrong. It just means we are growing. We are in a process. Things will work out. That is the promise God is explaining in Romans 8:28-30. We need to learn confidence in God that He is working on our behalf. That will help us have stability and continued growth.

We need to learn to overcome isolation. That is going to mean sharing our secrets with other Christians (James 5:16). That’s going to mean spending time with our brethren even when the church hasn’t planned something. Did you notice that the very first Christians didn’t just meet in congregational assemblies, they also met from house to house (Acts 2:46). That wasn’t a church planned activity. Those were individual Christians opening their homes and developing relationships instead of isolating on their own.

We have to learn to contribute to the church community. This is so much more than learning to lead a public prayer or teach a Bible class. Look at the example of Tabitha in Acts 9:36-43. Here was a woman, probably single, perhaps a widow. Did she wait for the church to ask her to participate in some congregationally planned service activity? No. She saw a need and she filled it. She made garments for those in need. She didn’t do everything, but she did what she could. She didn’t serve everyone, but she served who she could. She didn’t wait to be asked. She just served. She contributed. What I can’t help but notice is that James, an apostle, was killed in Acts 12. The disciples mourned and buried him. Stephen, an evangelist and a deacon (I believe), was killed in Acts 7. The disciples mourned and buried him. Tabitha, who held no office and wasn’t seemingly a “major player” in the church, dies and the disciples call in Peter and say, “Something has to be done about this.” The others were laid to rest and Tabitha was brought back to keep on serving. Perhaps this tells us how important this part of our maturity really is.

Don’t give up. Keep on growing spiritually.

The Spiritual Application for Congregations

We might think if Christians grow through infancy and then make it through spiritual childhood, they’re good. We can leave them on their own to progress. Not so. Certainly, as adults, they are responsible for their maturity. However, as a church we need to help them mature. We need to provide the opportunities they need to progress in spiritual adulthood, or they’ll get locked into spiritual adolescence. Sadly, I think numerous churches suffer because they are filled with a lot of Christians who never get passed spiritual puberty. They’re locked in the awkward stage of gaining independence but not knowing how to deal with interpersonal relationships. They never learn how to be a productive part of the church family. They can answer the doctrinal questions right. They can challenge error. They can even sometimes think for themselves and see where we need to make changes. However, they don’t know how to express that. They don’t understand how their inappropriate expressions destroy relationships. We need to help with that.

What are we doing for the growing Christians to be part of the group life? Don’t just think in terms of the assemblies. Sadly, as I pointed out in the last stage, we often do great and having training classes on how to lead public prayers and give talks. But what about being really involved in the community of the congregation. What are we doing to help these growing Christians be a contributing factor in the lives of the other saints around them? Are we teaching them how to encourage others? What about hospital visits? Visiting the shut-ins? What about teaching them to contribute to the secular community? Sadly, most churches today are taking the easy road. Instead of teaching the growing Christians to provide contribution to the world around them, they just take up a weekly collection and then let the church contribute to the secular community. I don’t believe that is the church’s job. The church needs to teach growing Christians how to contribute to the society around them.

What are we doing to encourage growing Christians to develop community with other growing Christians? Do we do much more than our assemblies? The question is not of churches providing social time for the members. The point is for more mature Christians to take less mature Christians under their wings and bring them into relationships with others. The problem is all too often we don’t have the more mature Christians. We just have a bunch of adolescent Christians clamoring for someone else to do something and provide something for them. We don’t have to get involved in unscriptural activities for the local church in order to accomplish this. We simply have to step outside our “we’ve never done anything like that” box and creatively consider scriptural options to get growing Christians together.

Finally, what are we doing to help growing Christians really see how their unique gifts can benefit the congregation and benefit the kingdom? Too often we simply preach guilt building lessons that make people feel bad because they are doing some thing or the other. What if instead we spent that time to find what people are gifted for and encourage them in those areas? What if instead of sweeping with broad brushes and expecting everyone to be Stepford Christians, we learn to accept folks as individuals with quirks and struggles, but with gifts and talents and learn to help them capitalize on their strengths instead of feeling guilty for their weaknesses?

Do you think we and our brethren would grow if we took this approach? Do you think churches would grow if they took this approach?

Discussion

Tell me what you think. Does this sound a like a legitimate step of maturity? How do you think we can unstick ourselves if we are stuck in this level? Do we need to be concerned about it at all?