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Life is More Interesting When You’re Happy

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Sorry guys, I’ve been a bit under the weather the past couple of days and not up to getting the writing done for this blog. Hopefully, I’ll be back on my game and get the next “Something Worth Doing” post out next Wednesday.

Let me take this opportunity to remind you about the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation. Here is your opportunity to help provide some happiness for some youngster who is suffering from cancer. We got our shirts last week and just check out this cuteness in her shirt.

You can get your shirt and help out the Kelsey Foundation at the Ordinary Store.

Have a great week and remember, “Life is more interesting when you’re happy.”

Something Worth Doing, Part 15: Risk Something Worth Protecting

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one. By the way, please check out the site for the Kelsey Wynne Harris Foundation and help promote the foundation by purchasing any of the Life’s More Interesting products. By the way, unlike the other links in this post, there is no affiliation link here. None of your purchases of these products grease my pockets.)

Today, I Want to…

…Risk Something Worth Protecting

What? I want to risk something worth protecting? What is that about? Our first thought is if something is worth protecting, I don’t want to risk it at all. I want to lock it up, keep it covered, keep it away from grasping hands.

However, this statement makes me think of an illustration I recently read in N. T. Wright’s The Challenge of Jesus. While talking about a completely different subject, he spoke about his trip to the Louvre and his desire to see the Mona Lisa. Listen to what he said:

“In October of 1998 my wife and I went to Paris for a conference, and in a spare moment we visited the Louvre. It was the first time either of us had been there. A disappointment awaited us: the Mona Lisa, which every good tourist goes to goggle at, is not only as enigmatic ash she has always been but following a violent attack is now behind thick glass. All attempts to look into those famous eyes, to face the famous questions as to what they are meaning and whether this meaning is really there or is being imposed by the viewers, are befogged by glimpses of other eyes—one’s own, and dozens more besides—reflected back from the protective casing.”*

Is the Mona Lisa worth protecting? I’m sure most of us would say it is. But something has been lost by the protection. Better to risk the Mona Lisa and let the multitudes goggle and grow by the experience than protect it and hinder the public’s betterment. Perhaps we see here it is better to protect the experience and not just the painting.

I also think of the ancient proverbialist’s words in Proverbs 14:4. “Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of the ox.” Solomon, if he was indeed the author of this proverb, understood that progress comes by risking things we want to protect. We prefer a clean manger. But when we keep our manger clean from the oxen, then our crops are not going to be very good. After all, letting oxen do the work will produce a much larger crop than doing it all myself. In this case, the farmer wanted to protect his manger. However, he needed to risk it by sheltering and feeding his oxen there to reap the even greater rewards.

Our Protection Often Limits Intimacy

The situation that really comes to mind as I wrestle with this resolution is the area of relationships. I need relationships. I want to protect those relationships. Apart from my relationship with God, my most important relationship is with my wife. That relationship needs protecting. I don’t want to risk that relationship at all.

Sadly, my protection often leads to codependence. It leads to me trying so hard to fix things in her because I fear what others will think that she becomes angry with me and a wedge is driven between us. What I’ve found is when I let her live her life and do her job her way and then provide support no matter what anyone else says, that is when we draw the closest. When she makes mistakes, she learns from them just like I learn from mine. When I let her risk instead of trying to preemptively protect her, we usually draw closer.

The codependence leads me to cover up things about myself I’m afraid will turn her away from me. Sadly, the secrets lead me to isolation and I push her away anyway. Granted, one day I may have to pass on a secret that will cause Marita to turn away from me. I hope not. But it may happen. However, up to now, letting myself be vulnerable with her has only ever drawn us closer. Revealing what is going on inside me or in my dark moments is a scary thing. I usually want to protect the relationship and keep those things hidden. But as our recovering friends warn us, we are only as sick as our deepest secrets. When we share those secrets we are risking the relationships, but the rewards when the relationships survive are phenomenal.

When I think about risking relationships I want to protect, I think about my children. I so want to protect them from all the evil that is out there. The top of the list is sexual evil. For the longest time, my approach to protecting them was to hide sex from them as much as possible and then scare the daylights out of them about the rest of it. However, I realized the hiding only produces curiosity and the fear only produces rebellion, at least, that is what it did for me. But if I don’t hide it from them, I’m risking their innocence and that, to me, is definitely worth protecting.

No, I’m not suggesting we invite our children to watch pornography or send them out on dates with contraceptive devices. But I am saying I have to learn that sometimes my protection actually puts what I’m afraid to risk at greater risk. I have to learn to risk those things that are worth protecting.

It is like our little baby’s health. Have you even thought about what we are doing when we immunize our children? We are actually introducing a disease into our baby’s body in order to protect them. We are placing them at risk in order to protect them. Sadly, in some cases the risk takes place and we spend the rest of our lives condemning ourselves for taking the risk. That is why you will always find websites condemning immunizations. However, there is no argument that immunizations have lowered, in fact, nearly eradicated some diseases in our kids. We need to learn that instead of isolating our children, we should inoculate them. Is it a risk? Absolutely. But in my experience isolation is an even bigger risk because we simply aren’t so good as to completely isolate our children from everything.

Growing through Risk

Another story that comes to my mind is Jesus’ story about the talents found in Matthew 25. A master gave five talents to one servant, two talents to another, and one talent to a third. By the way, the footnote in my Bible says a talent was a monetary sum worth about 20 years wages to the common laborer. Can you imagine being given 20 years of your salary in one lump sum? What would you do with it? The man who had been give 100 years of salary and the man who had been given 40 years of salary both risked their talents. They bought and sold and traded until they had generated twice what they started with. The third man hid his talent. Think about it. That seems wise to some of us. At least he didn’t fritter it away on eating out, depreciating gizmos, and self-seeking pursuits. He protected it. When the master returned, the man gave him back his talent. The master, however, was not happy. He didn’t give the man the talent so that when he returned he could get one talent back. If he had wanted that, he could have kept the talent with him. He gave the servant the talent to produce a profit. He called this servant wicked and slothful.

Ouch! That hurts. Sometimes, what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than fear. We fear rejection so we don’t risk our egos. Sadly, we then spend all our time feeling inadequate because we never accomplish anything. We fear betrayal so we don’t risk entering a relationship. Sadly, we miss out on the joys of strong friendships and love, living out our lives in loneliness and empty pursuits. We fear conflict so we don’t risk sharing our opinions and feelings. Sadly, we seethe in bitterness and resentment until the conflicts erupt in proportions too great to control.

Sometimes what we want to claim is preservation and protection is actually nothing more than laziness. The five and two talent men actually went to work with their talents. They had to buy and sell, that took research, time, planning, and skill. I’m sure investing then was like it is today. Nobody ever bats 1000. They had to make up when they lost what they risked. The one talent man didn’t have to work. He just hid the talent and could sit on his behind.

I hope you don’t think this is too crass, but I have to share a poem I first heard from John Maxwell.

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore. 

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, “What have we here?”
Those prints are large and round and neat,
“But Lord, they are too big for feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.” 

“You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.” 

“Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Let’s face it. Relationships take work. It is a lot easier to be disconnected. As Simon and Garfunkel sang, “A rock feels no pain. And an island never cries.” Why work on a relationship when it means risking so much pain? Accomplishment takes work. Too many of us want to sit on our rears and hope that God will drop some major accomplishment in our laps. It just won’t happen. Why risk looking the fool when you can shoot for nothing and no one will ever notice? Leadership takes work. It is a lot easier to be the low man on the totem pole. It isn’t your reputation on the line when you are just the rummy. Why shoot to lead others when it means risking so much if you fail?

Why risk? Because the relationships that can produce the greatest pain can also produce the greatest happiness. And as Garth Brooks sang, “I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance.” Because only those who brave looking like a fool in front of the masses ever accomplish anything worthwhile. Consider the simple task of writing a poem or a book. If you only ever fear that others will not want to read your book, you’ll never have the satisfaction of getting one done. Because leadership means we can accomplish things through others we could never accomplish on our own. Nobody ever became President without risking his entire reputation. Perhaps we don’t look nearly as bad as any of our Presidents have ever been made to look by their enemies, but then we’ve never led the known world to anything of consequence. Why risk? Because whether we succeed or fail the growth and accomplishment we attain is really worth it and helps us press on to bigger and greater things.

I know you want to protect something. But God has given us our greatest blessings in order to risk them. Not so we could lose them. But rather, through the risking we may grow and are able to give back to our society and to Him great things.

Therefore, today, I want to risk something worth protecting because in reality, only when I risk do I grow and gain the true fulfillment out of God’s gifts.

(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Listening to Something Worth Hearing.)

     

 *Wright, N.T., The Challenge of Jesus, Intervarsity Press, Downers Grove, 1999, p 196.

Something Worth Doing, Part 14: Do Something Worth Watching

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Do Something Worth Watching 

Do Something

Before you can do something worth watching, you have to do something. Far too many people are satisfied to watch something worth doing. Too many of us are satisfied to channel surf for hours on end looking for something “worth watching.” Or we hop on YouTube and search for videos all day. Nielsen reports that the average American watches 153 hours of television per month; that’s more than 5 hours per day. That’s almost one week per month or just over two and a half months per year of television. And that average doesn’t include the time spent watching Hulu, renting dvds, or going to the movies.

Of course, I’m sure you don’t watch five hours of television per day. But what if you just watch two? That’s 730 hours per year. I know this is going to sound amazing, but do you realize that is the equivalent of just over 30 days of television per year? At just two hours per day you are losing an entire month out of your year. Think about that for a moment. That means you are only living 11 out of every 12 years if you watch just two hours of television per day.

Consider this, watching one season of the average show means spending an entire day watching television (especially if you’re watching “24”). If you just keep up with a handful of shows, say seven, you’ve spent an entire week of your year watching television. What could you get done if you had an extra week?

If the average American is watching five hours of television per day, they’re going to have a hard time doing anything, let alone doing something worth watching. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying television is a sin. I’m not saying you can’t find out what happens next on your favorite show. There is a place for relaxation and if watching television is your place, that’s okay. Just remember that every hour spent watching others do things is an hour you aren’t doing anything.

We are examples

The goal to do something worth watching is a bit frightening. It says we want to be examples. We want to be people folks can look to. Unlike sports stars and actors who often complain that they don’t want to be seen as role models, we are saying we do. We want to do something and do it so well people will look to us as a pattern.

However, keep in mind that this is doing something worth watching, not doing something for the sake of being watched. There is a difference. We don’t want to be glory hounds, arrogantly pressing our “superb” work on everyone else as if they should recognize how amazing we are. At the same time, we do want to do the absolute best job we can do so that if and when others are watching, they will see an example, a role model.

Here’s the rub. No matter how humble or how arrogant we are, no matter how worthy or unworthy of watching we are, no matter how much we want them to or how much we don’t, someone is watching us. Someone is looking to us. Someone is learning from us. Are we giving them something worth watching?

If you have to keep it secret, don’t do it

While we will certainly note that there is a very special sense of doing something worth watching, there is also a general sense in which everything we do should be worth watching. Obviously, I’m speaking a bit accommodatively here. Clearly there are some private matters that are perfectly normal and healthy that we don’t want others watching. However, apart from that sort of activity, we should strive to let everything we do be worth watching.

If there is something you are doing that you are keeping secret or don’t want others to know, you should likely stop (no I’m not talking about planning that secret, surprise birthday party for me). Certainly you should stop if what you are doing is morally wrong. But I encourage you to stop the secret things even if they aren’t morally wrong. Let me use my own television watching as an example. Not all that long ago I got sucked into watching a television series online. Sadly, I wasted two and a half days of my life finding out what happened to all those characters (and you wonder why I miss getting posts put up on some days). Even though I don’t think watching the show was morally wrong, I remember my wife came home one night and I immediately scrambled to shut the Netflix down and open Entourage to look like I had just sat down to check my e-mail. Ooops. Not good.

Here is what I’ve learned. Sometimes I justify actions by saying, “It’s not morally wrong.” But there is clearly part of me that says, “I shouldn’t be doing this.” When that is happening, I have inner turmoil. As my friends in recovery say, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” If I’m doing something that I’m keeping secret because of inner guilt, it is only going to cause a downward spiral for me that eventually does lead to doing things that are wrong. It may come out as rage at my family, arrogance to cover for my feelings of weakness, lies to keep from being found out, or worse. I’ve learned it almost never stops with just that one secret.

I don’t know where your secret things will lead you. I simply know those secrets aren’t helping you. Do things worth watching. If you need to cover it up or develop elaborate statements to “technically tell the truth” so no one will know what you are really doing, then you should probably stop whatever it is. Don’t do things you are afraid other might see; do things worth watching.

Find one thing you love to do, and do it so well people want to watch

While there is that general sense of doing all things worth watching, there is also a sense in which we should work on our one thing worth watching. This is about our life’s passion, our career, our bread and butter. Too many of us are willing to settle for letting life happen to us. We go to school, graduate, get a job, and then settle in for the long haul. We may do well or just enough to get by, but we don’t ever do anything that stands out. We wonder why we are always chasing our tails and never really getting anything worthwhile done.

Instead of letting life happen to you, take charge. What are you passionate about? What gets your motivation running? What would you do if money weren’t an issue? Work on that. Sure, it may not pay the bills right now, but you’ve got two hours of television per day you can trade for it. Become an expert at it. Become the best and then learn how to get others to watch you do it.

I love what I’ve heard John Maxwell say over and over again about this. Find something you enjoy doing so much you’d gladly do it for free. Then learn to do it so well that others will gladly pay you to do it. Granted, this may not be something people watch in the sense of entertainment, but it will definitely be something people will regard with respect and appreciation.

For you, this might be anything from juggling, to landscaping, to quilting, to coaching. Don’t chase the money. Chase what you love, then get so good at it that you become worth watching. When you are that good, the money will start to come to you.

Today, I don’t want to settle for letting life happen to me. I don’t want to be pushed by every current and eddy of the world. I want to stand tall and be an example. I want to cut out my secrets. I want to do something worth watching.

What do you want to do?

(Come back next week to talk about Risking Something Worth Protecting.)

Here is a great example of someone who has worked hard at something so that now he is worth watching.

Of course, be careful, you will be spending 10 minutes watching someone else instead of doing something yourself. But maybe you’ll be inspired.

 


Something Worth Doing, Part 13: Cry Tears Worth Shedding

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Cry Tears Worth Shedding

I was 13 when I first learned crying was the wrong thing to do. I had gone fishing with some friends. As we climbed a hill so steep it was more like crawling than walking, one of my friends above me kicked loose a rock (at the time it appeared to be a boulder to me). The rock scraped across my hand removing the left side of my left-hand middle finger. It removed a strip of skin about a quarter inch wide and two inches long. It hurt like nobody’s business. It bled like crazy; I remember thinking I was going to bleed to death. And I cried and cried and cried. However, what I remember most was the younger girl, whose name I don’t even remember who also was hit by the rock, although the rock merely rolled across her hand leaving no damage whatsoever.  She hardly cried at all. On the ride to the emergency room, I couldn’t quit crying. I remember her making fun of me because I cried and expressing how much better than me she was because she wasn’t crying. I hardly cried at all for more than 20 years following that day.

In our culture, we teach that crying means someone is spoiled, immature, weak, manipulative, insignificant. Women are afraid to cry in front of men because they fear they will be seen as weak. Men are afraid to cry in front of anyone because they are afraid they will be seen as failures. We are told to keep a stiff upper lip. We are told we need to be brave. We are told we need to be strong. Even when people are understanding of our tears they still do their best to get us to stop, letting us know it will be okay and there’s really no need to cry. When children cry we threaten, bribe, cajole, and distract them so they will stop.

With that in mind, I don’t feel shame or guilt that I stopped crying for so long. I know it was simply how I was trained. But over the past two years, I have worked at crying. I encourage you to do the same. Our culture is wrong when it tells us not to cry. Our culture is wrong when it tells us to discourage others from crying.

Sadly, even Christians have bought in to the “no cry” policy. Too often we act like the only emotionChristians should have is joy and happiness. We are afraid we aren’t being spiritual enough or trusting God enough if we cry. But Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is a time to weep. Jesus wept (John 11:35). The apostle Paul cried more than any of them (Acts 20:19, 31; II Corinthians 2:4; Philippians 3:18). Tears are part of a healthy life. Tears are part of a spiritual life.

Like the hugging we learned about a few weeks ago, crying is actually good for us physiologically. Scientists have learned that emotional tears carry toxins out of our body that are increased due to stress, emotion, and pain. When we repress our crying, we aren’t showing strength, we are actually weakening our bodies. Some theorize that is why women in general live longer than men, they cry more readily getting rid of those toxins.

Why is it that hugging and crying, two extremely positive things are stigmatized by our culture? Why do men in particular want to hang on to failed stereotypes to express a terrible view of manhood?

Perhaps the Bible passage that has helped me the most is Romans 12:15. Paul wrote, “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” He didn’t say distract those who weep. He didn’t say threaten those who weep. He didn’t say laugh at those who weep. He didn’t say stigmatize those who weep. He didn’t say ostracize those who weep. He didn’t say mock those who weep. He didn’t say stop those who weep. He didn’t say entertain those who weep. He didn’t even say comfort those who weep. He said weep with those who weep.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the shedding of tears. In fact, instead of trying to stop someone else, we should let their tears prompt our own. We need to empathize and feel the pain and sadness so that we too may release our own emotions. Their tears are worth shedding and worth shedding some of our own with them.

So which tears are worth shedding? Every single one of them. This resolution does not tell us to limit our tears to only those worthwhile. It encourages us to cry tears because they are necessary; they are worth shedding. Granted, you may, like Joseph in Genesis 43:30, need to get in a more appropriate location. You may not want to cry in front of your boss just because he shot down your proposal. But if it makes you sad, go somewhere and cry. It’s okay. You’re not a wimp or a loser; you’re living longer. If you’re children are crying because they broke a toy, don’t try to get them to stop by promising them a new one. Let them be sad for the loss of their old one. If one of your friends starts crying for some unknown reason, don’t push them away. Draw them close and let them know its okay.

If you need to cry, shed the tears. They are worth shedding.

(Come back next Wednesday. We’re going to talk about Doing Something Worth Watching.)

Something Worth Doing, Part 12: Buy Something Worth Treasuring

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I Want to…

Buy Something Worth Treasuring.

People want your money. That’s why advertising and marketing is a hundreds of billions of dollars business each year. We see ads online, on billboards, on t-shirts, on pens, in junk mail, with e-mail, on the radio, on television, at the movies, and on the list goes. Even the most conservative figures about the number of marketing messages we receive daily are pretty astounding. At an average rate of 245 marketing messages per day, that’s just over 1 every 4 minutes throughout a 16-hour day. Think about that. Every four minutes you are getting some message that says, “Spend your money here.” In fact, just to be painfully honest, just by scrolling down this page and reading this post, you’re getting 16 marketing messages.

The marketers want us to know that their products are the best. They spin. They light up. They flash. They save money. They make you look better than your neighbor. They make you look sexy. They cause beautiful men and women to be attracted to you. They are neat. They will balance your checkbook. They will make you lose weight. They will cause you to be the talk of all the neighbors. Spend your money on the latest whatever and all your wildest dreams will come true. (In fact, click on that book to the right and make a purchase. It will make you a better Christian. Oh wait, that makes it 17 marketing messages.)

But do we want to spend our money on just anything? Or do we long for something more fulfilling, something we can treasure, value, and hold on to indefinitely.

Obviously, you are going to spend money. Obviously you are going to spend money on some things that have no lasting sentiment or value. You have to purchase your needs. Food, clothing, personal items all have to be on your purchase list. You have to get from one place to another in our culture. Therefore, transportation is going to be on the list somewhere. Surely, getting some fun items should be on the list as well. In my opinion, every one should have an iPhone. (Does that count as a marketing message?) I’m sure you’re going to want some status symbol items. A BMW is nice or a Lexus.

However, think about every one of those things just mentioned. Do any of them have true lasting value? Clothes wear out. Food passes. Cars break down and rust. IPhones become obsolete. Status symbols lose their status. Fashions change. I’m not saying don’t buy them. I’ve bought them, well, except for the BMW or Lexus. I’m just saying if we think we’ll find something meaningful here, we are mistaken.

So many times we are absolutely certain if we were just able to buy that one particular item, everything would be okay. If we could get the house in that certain neighborhood, the flooring that would make the house just right, the widescreen, flat-panel television that would allow us to entertain our friends, the designer clothes that would let us fit in, then we would be okay. Then we would be happy. We finally save up and get it (or worse we drop it on a credit card and regret the purchase every month for years). However, after a few days, weeks, months it just no longer does the trick.

Somewhere in the midst of the spending frenzy, if we want to get fulfillment out of our money, we need to buy something worth treasuring. We need to buy things that will have a lasting value attached to them. We need to buy things that really can provide some kind of fulfillment, something we can hang on to as important.

The Most Important Treasures

Sadly, so few of us really know what to purchase like that. Too often we are stuck thinking about intrinsic material value. So we start looking to purchase an heirloom as if we can manufacture the emotion of sentiment by purchasing something expensive. It just doesn’t work like that. You might buy the most expensive diamond ring. Its cost won’t suddenly make it something to treasure.

So, how do we buy something worth treasuring?

I can’t help but think of what my wife is going through right now as I write this post. Her dad died a year and a half ago and passed on a little money to his children. Marita has been very clear. She doesn’t want this money to just enter our general fund and be frittered away paying off debt, eating out, and just buying stuff. As she has been thinking what to do with the money, she has taught me about where the true treasures are. Memories. That’s right, memories.

While I insensitively tell her this is the perfect time to purchase that new iMac or widescreen television I’ve always wanted, she wants to purchase something that will cause her to remember her dad. She doesn’t want something that will break down in a few years and be tossed in the trash. She wants something that will call to mind everything her dad means to her. I think she is on the right track.

The fact is my desire for the iMac or the TV is really the exact same problem my son had a few days ago when he had two dollars burning a hole in his pocket. We went into a gas station and he wanted everything he saw that was less than two dollars. He saw this little lollipop whistle with a goofy game at the top of it where you flip a lever and try to put a little ball through the basket. He thought it was the neatest thing. After all, it is a lollipop, a whistle, and a game all at once. That’s like buying three things with just two dollars. What could top that? I tried to explain to him, “Ryan, it’s junk. It’ll be broken before the day is over. It’s a waste.” The TV I long for is bigger and will last longer, but is my desire for it much different? Sure, it seems exciting. I think it is entertaining. It will provide some form of pleasure for a time. But in the end, both it and the lollipop game will break and end up in the same landfill. That is their destiny. There is no treasure there.

But a memory…what a treasure. A memory can be brought out again and again. It can be relived in the heart and the soul. Buying a brand spanking new BMW may make you look good. But give it a few years and its paint will fade, its status will diminish, its leather smell will dissipate. However, buy a rusted out old car that you restore with your kids? That is a treasure. Even after the car falls apart again or you sell it, the memory of your time working together still lives on. The conversations, the successes, the accidents, the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done are invaluable. I’m not saying you should never buy the BMW. I’m just pointing out that is not really a treasure.

Memories for Sale

Buy a trip. One of Marita’s fondest memories of her dad is the family trip to Disney World. I still remember the trip I took with my parents on which we went to Carlsbad Caverns, the Painted Desert, the Petrified Forest, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, and Mt. Rushmore. I tell stories about leaving Abilene, Texas when it was over 100 degrees and getting to Yellowstone while it was snowing. We had to go into town, buy new clothes and sleeping bags just to make it in our tent. I love to laugh and tell the story about how Mom and I bundled up in layers of sweats to go to sleep even though Dad tried to convince me a real man sleeps in just his shorts no matter what. What a laugh I had the next morning when Mom told me our real man got up shortly after I went to sleep and put on some clothes. That was 25 years ago, a year before my mom died. I don’t know how much that trip cost my parents, but it is certainly a treasure for me.

Buy souvenirs. Souvenirs are great ways to store up memories. I have a shelf of mugs that were purchased on the trip I just mentioned and on others. Every time I look at that shelf, I remember those times together. After he retired from the Air Force, my dad ended up running his own heating and air business. His main supplier was Lennox. Some of my most prized possessions are the Lennox drinking glasses and mugs that we now have and the “toy” piggy banks modeled after vintage Lennox trucks. As far as piggy banks and drinking glasses go, there’s nothing special about them. But every time I see them I think of my dad. I think of putting on coveralls and crawling under a house or into an attic with him. I think of his work ethic. I think of his generosity. By the way, he died in 2000. You better believe I treasure the memories.

Buy a camera. Capture the memories. Digital cameras make everything so nice. Just take pictures and load them on to memory cards and sticks. Print them out and make scrapbooks. Label them to give reminders of exactly when and where you were. Every day I see pictures of my children when they were infants. I don’t ever want to lose those memories. I love to look at pictures with my kids on our trips. I love to see pictures of my family (well, most of them). One of the most treasured gifts I have is a small scrapbook my wife gave me for Father’s Day one year. On several pages she pasted pictures of my dad and me and then a similar picture of one of my children and me. Every once in a while I just get the book out because I need a good cry, a good laugh, a good memory.

Buy a video camera and use it. I’m not saying subject all your friends and neighbors to your memories. But they are your memories. Record them. Play them back. I treasure the video my granddad has of me as a toddler swimming with my mom. Granted, the one he has of my younger brother as an infant while I can be heard in the background singing some crazy made up song in the bathroom is not so good. But Marita treasures that one.

Buy things that remind you of the people in your life. Of course, sometimes these can be handed down to you for free. However, there may be something a friend of yours owned and you found a match for it. Buy it and let it remind you of your friend and loved one. I lived in England as a child and my parents collected Boson heads and plates. Even though Marita thinks the plates are hideous, she lets me keep one in our bedroom because of the treasure it is to me.

Buy games. Talk about memories in the making. I don’t know how many times my kids say, “Hey Dad, do you remember when we played such and such and this or that happened?” Like when Ethan likes to say, “Hey Dad, do you remember that time we played chess and I beat you in four moves?” This usually starts an avalanche of laughter and memories for the whole family. Some of our fondest memories with family and friends involve games. All I have to do around Marita and her siblings is mention Greg Louganis and “The Fish” and we are on a roll of game memories because of a great night of “Beyond Balderdash.” If you ever meet Marita’s brother, Seth, you’ll have to ask him about it. I have a picture of a completed game of “Go” on my phone in which I totally trounced Ethan after he had talked so much smack that he needed a lesson. I bring that up for a good chuckle with the kids now and then. Or then there is the time when Marita’s cousin told our friend he thought she was the worst “Farkel” player ever and she came from behind and stomped us all. (By the way, in the interest of honest disclosure, those links are affiliate links. Can you blame a guy for trying to make a little extra cash in this economy?)

It’s the Value, not the Cost

You don’t have to be rich to buy things of value. All you need is memories. Sure, some experiences may cost a bit. You won’t pull off the Disney trip cheaply. But many experiences don’t cost much. I think of the poem “Salutation” by Ezra Pound in which he mocks the rich for their pretentions and stuffiness, while highlighting the experiences the poor can enjoy.

O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.

The issue is not the cost. The issue is the value. Don’t waste your life trying to buy something that costs a lot. Make sure you buy something worth treasuring. Make sure you buy some memories.

(Come back next Wednesday as we discuss Crying Tears Worth Shedding.)

Something Worth Doing, Part 11: Hug Someone Worth Holding

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Hug Someone Worth Holding

What’s A Hug?

“Hugging is natural, organic, naturally sweet, free of pesticides, and preservatives. Hugging contains no artificial ingredients. It’s 100% wholesome. No calories, no caffeine, no nicotine.

“Hugging is nearly perfect. There are no removable parts, batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups. It consumes little energy, while yielding a lot. It’s inflation-proof. It’s nonfattening. There are no monthly payments. No insurance requirements. It’s theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully refundable. And it costs very little.

“Hugging is healthy. It assists the body’s immune system, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it invigorates, it rejuvenates, and it has no unpleasant side effects.

“Hugging is no less than a miracle drug” (borrowed from poofcat.com).

No wonder we want to hug someone worth holding today. What could be better? The problem is we’re just not used to it. In our American culture, we shake hands, making sure to keep everyone at arms length. Even in cultures that greet with hugs and kisses, they can become perfunctory and pointless. But, sincere, safe, wanted hugs are some of God’s best medicine for us.

Hugs are Good For You

Search the internet for benefits to hugging. You’ll find out hugs can decrease your heart rate. They can lower your blood pressure. Hugs can increase oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Hugs have been connected to better heart health. Hugs increase endorphin levels—the feel good hormones that give us a sense of happiness and well-being, plus they relieve pain. Hugs decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

A hug can say, “I love you.” A hug can say, “I accept you.” A hug can say, “You’re wanted.” A hug can say,“You’re special.” A hug says, “We’re together.” A hug says, “We’re friends.” A hug provides a connection that nothing else does.

No doubt, different hugs say different things. There is the romantic hug for your husband or wife that lingers and caresses. There is the paternal hug for your children that turns into holding them on your lap. There is the cross-gender, I need to be appropriate, one arm around the shoulder hug. There is the quick hug that says, “We’re friends, but nothing more.” There is the “I haven’t seen you in forever” hug. There is the “I’m here for you” hug that hangs on until the one in need lets go. There’s the “weep with those who weep” hug that also provides a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs are important, life-saving even. Virginia Satir, American author and psychotherapist said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Look at a marriage that is falling apart and I guarantee you, you won’t see many hugs—if any. 12 hugs a day may not save a marriage on the rocks, but 0 hugs a day can sure toss it off the cliff. Look at isolated, rebellious kids and I doubt you’ll find hugging parents. (I know there are exceptions to every rule and someone will no doubt bring up the question of “which came first?”, but the fact remains, you won’t see much hugging there.) Find a prostitute, and I’m betting you find a girl who didn’t get many safe, loving hugs from her father. She’s still searching for that connection.

Why Do So Many Avoid Hugging?

But for all this, we often push away from hugs. Why?

Certainly, some have been hugged inappropriately and so physical touch scares us. Some have learned from traumatic childhood experiences that hugs are a violation and so they set up walls of protection against that happening again. My heart breaks for those of you in this situation. I pray that you can find people who can embrace you in arms of safety and help you grow in positive relationships.

For most, the trauma is not that extreme. However, a hug is still dangerous. I once heard the hug and kiss of European and Eastern greetings came about as a means of showing vulnerability. To hug someone was to come close enough as to be defenseless. If they wielded a knife, they could kill you. (I’m told the American handshake accomplished the same thing as you thrust forward your empty gun hand in a gesture of trust.) I doubt many of us are afraid of knife wielding huggers, but the hug does represent vulnerability. We are opening ourselves up to others to touch us, hold us, feel us, meet us. They can see and feel our blemishes. They can tell if we are trembling. They can feel our heart beat. Do we really want to let someone get that close? Many of us say, “No.” And we lose the great benefits of that kind of trust.

Perhaps the number one reason we fear the hug is the potential for rejection. We see a friend, hold our arms outstretched to show vulnerability, connection, trust and they give us a high five or grab the hand for a shake. Or worse, they stand there looking at us like we have our clothes on backward or have a booger hanging out of our nose. Rejection. A hug may be great, but a rejection’s negative affects seem much worse. So, we abstain from the benefits of a hug in order to avoid the pain of rejection.

Perhaps you can reshape what is happening in that moment of seeming rejection. I’m sure there are some stuck up, self-centered, pharisaical people who reject you as a person and therefore don’t want you touching them in a hug. Do you really care what that kind of person thinks of you? However, those folks are few and far between. The folks who avoid the hugs usually aren’t rejecting you. Rather, they are expressing their own struggles. Respect their need for space because an unwanted, unsafe hug doesn’t provide great benefits. Instead of pouting in your own rejection, pray for whatever causes them to turn from the hug.

Get your daily quota

Everyone needs a hug. Make sure you get permission first. Make sure your being appropriate (guys, I hope you know I’m talking to you, this isn’t your free ticket to cop a feel). Get out there and give hugs. That’s right, give hugs. I didn’t say get hugs because a true hug is about giving to others, not taking from them. So go give your quota of hugs.

They’re free. They’re fun. They’re healthy. They’re easy. Why not find someone and give them a hug right now.

I think I will.

 

(Come back next Wednesday when we discuss “Buying Something Worth Treasuring.”)