God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

A Springboard for Your Family Life

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your Relationships

by 3 Comments

Last week we talked about keeping our own side of the street clean. I know that sent some people over the edge. “But Edwin, you just don’t know my husband,” or “But Edwin, you just don’t know my wife.” Some folks went ballistic because they simply cannot see past their own victim mentality to ever notice their own wrong. “Oh, sure, I mean I mess up sometimes. I’m only human. But my spouse (kids, parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) is so awful. Let me tell you the thousand ways my _________ is a jerk. How dare you suggest I should clean up my side of the street.”

And thus, the vicious cycle continues until the relationship is absolutely destroyed. Your marriage ends in divorce. Your parents ostracize you. Your kids abandon you. Your friends avoid you. Your boss fires you. No doubt, you continue to live in the absolute certainty that all of this is everyone else’s fault. It never occurs to you the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

Let me ask you, would you like to continue living in the certain miserable knowledge that you are the victim, that everyone else has done wrong, that you are not to blame for your failed relationships OR would you like to have some peace, serenity, and joy in your relationships and have your relationships continue to grow despite even hard times?

I know which one I want.  

Please, allow me to share with you…

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

1. Disregard the wrong others have done to you.

“Aaaaaaggggghhhh! What? How can you possibly say this? My spouse (parent, child, etc.) have done me so wrong I can hardly stand it.”

I have no doubt that is the case. We are all human. We live among humans. We have all wronged and been wronged. I’m sure you have been terribly wronged by others. Here is the question. Do two wrongs make a right? Does the fact that others have wronged you mean you now have the right to wrong them back? Are you really going to live your life like a 5-year-old screaming, “He hit me first”?

I have four children; a 12-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old son, a 7-year-old son, and an 18-month-old daughter. Do you know what drives me crazy with these kids the most? The picking at each other. “Dad, Tessa said it was my fault that _________” “Well, Dad, Ethan did _________, so I did __________, and I said ______________.” “Well, yeah, that was because Ryan did ________________.” “Dad, that’s not fair, Ethan and Tessa did ______________________.” Just thinking about it drives me nuts. 

Then it hits me. Why do these kids act like this? Some of it is because they are kids. But then again, some of it is because they see adults acting this way. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible tendency of figuring out how everything is everyone else’s fault in the world. I hate to say that my kids have actually got to witness me acting the exact same way towards my wife, my brothers, my parents. I have to ask, am I 5 or 35? 

Don’t spend time blaming everyone else, “If they hadn’t done such and such, I wouldn’t have done such and such.” Is your wrong excused because of theirs? Do you ever stop to think that they are telling their friends the same things about you? 

Even if you really can fathom all the way back to the beginning of this rotten relationship cycle and do know the other person started it, are you really convinced the bitterness, resentment, and malice eating on your heart and soul are helping you be a better person or have a better relationship with them? Is that really where you want to spend the rest of your emotional days?

If you really want to break this cycle and start having better relationships, you need to disregard the wrong others have done to you.

1 1/2. Three caveats

First, since many of my readers are Christians, let me make something abundantly clear. This post is not about helping people grow in Christ or overcome sin and go to heaven. I’m talking about us working on us before we start working on others. Clearly, when others have sinned, we cannot simply dismiss it. We are to help others grow. However, please do not justify your personal blame and victim games as if what you are really concerned about is the other person being forgiven and going to heaven.

Second, I’m also not suggesting you be a doormat. I’m not saying if someone really has hurt you don’t ever say anything to them about it. Clearly, for relationships to work well we not only have to clean up our side of the street, but we have to learn how to express our feelings when we’ve really been hurt so we won’t harbor resentments. What I am saying is it is much easier and far more effective to talk to someone who has hurt you when you’ve gone the extra mile to clean up your side of the street in the relationship first.

Third, in some cases folks really have been truly innocent victims. While I believe victims of child abuse, rape, or other extreme crimes can benefit from what I’m sharing here, I am not about to set myself up as some kind of post-trauma specialist who can give you psychological advice. I encourage you to look for professional help to guide you through the emotional landmines of overcoming such treatment. 

2. Make a list of the wrongs you have done.

Do this on two levels. The first level is simply to remind yourself you have done your fair share of wrong in the history of the world. Let’s face it, there was only one perfect person in the history of mankind and you aren’t Him. Count your many sins and be reminded that you really don’t get to play the role of innocent victim in society.

The second level is to do this in context of very specific relationships. Think about your relationship with your parents. Instead of remembering all the bad things they did to you, think about the wrong you did. Make a list of the resentments, disobedience, disrespect, etc. that you did in the relationship. Think about your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your friends, etc. List what you did wrong.

Don’t discount things by saying, “Yeah, but I would never have done that if they hadn’t done such and such.” Remember, we are disregarding what they did. If what you did was wrong, the motivation that stemmed from the other person doesn’t matter. You are striving to purge the guilt and shame you feel and the only way to do that is to get to the bottom of what you did.

Of course, that last statement hits at the heart of our problem. You do feel guilt and shame, but you don’t like to. Therefore, your natural reaction is to deflect that guilt and shame. You want to put that on someone else. That is often why you build up your victim status. You may sedate the shame and guilt for a time, but it will always come back. Something inside you knows something is unresolved.

The only way to overcome the guilt and shame is to face it head on. Sit in those feelings and figure out why you’ve got them. You never will as long as you keep deflecting it to others. Yes, sometimes you’ll figure out you feel guilt and shame when you’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel those things. In many cases, however, you’ll figure out you were not the victim you like to think. you are guilty, and there is room for healthy shame.

Finally, a great big reason to take this step is because having listed these things, you still don’t think anyone else was justified for the wrong they did to you. You want them to judge you based on your intentions. You want them to realize that you have been spiritually, emotionally, or mentally unhealthy and instead of responding in kind, you wanted them to be patient with you and help you overcome. Shouldn’t you offer that same treatment to others. This can help you go back to step one and treat others the way you want to be treated. You can see them as people who are also growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually. They may have messed up royally, but you should offer them the same patience and compassion you have wanted when you messed up royally.

3. Apologize and make amends for your wrongs.

“No way! Apologize? Not on your life! Not until they apologize first!” 

Wait, you’re forgetting something. You’re disregarding what they have done. This is about cleaning up your side of the street. If their side of the street stays junky, that is their problem. You are working to make sure that as much as it depends on you, you are at peace with others. 

Don’t justify your wrongs. Don’t minimize your wrongs. Don’t explain away your wrongs. Apologize for your wrongs. This means explain that what you did was wrong. Explain why it was wrong. Explain how it harmed the relationship. Offer a sincere apology with an explanation that you are working to overcome whatever it was about you that led you to commit the wrong. 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep like, “I promise, I’ll never, ever do it again.” Instead, let the other person know that you are committed to overcoming the wrong, that you are working on overcoming it, and you don’t plan to do it again. 

Now, here is the key. Cap it all off with a request for forgiveness. This is absolutely important. If they forgive you, it goes a long way to helping you forgive yourself. Granted, keep in mind you are asking for forgiveness. All the theological debates beside, if you are asking for forgiveness, you are asking for something you don’t deserve and they are not obligated to give you. However, if you have made the amends and asked for the forgiveness, you can take comfort you have now done all you can do to be at peace. Even if they refuse forgiveness, you can know you have recognized your wrongs and made amends as best you can.

If they don’t forgive you, don’t think you have done all this in vain. Taking these steps has helped you clear out a lot of your own mental, emotional, and spiritual junk. Even if the other person doesn’t let you have a relationship with them, you know you have cleaned up your side of the street and you can have serenity about it. Especially don’t revert back to old behavior. If you do, you are simply reinforcing to them why they shouldn’t have forgiven you. They were certain it was just a manipulation ploy, now they know they were right.

4. Pursue actions of love.

Now that you have cleaned up your side of the street, keep it clean by pursuing actions of love. I don’t want to say too much here because I am going to delve into this more in next Tuesday’s post. However, pursuing actions of love means doing those things you would do if you actually loved them. This is not holding out until they grant you forgiveness. This is not holding out until they start pursuing actions of love toward you. This means serving them because you love them, not because you are repaying them or because you owe them or because you are manipulating them.  This means bestowing compassion when they continue to harm you. This means being patient when they don’t behave exactly right. This means treating them the way you want to be treated, even when they mess up (as they most certainly will).

By the way, since this is all about cleaning up your side of the street and not about trying to get others to clean up theirs, if they don’t forgive you and they continue to mistreat you, you must continue to pursue the actions of love. Remember that two wrong don’t make a right. Their wrong is between them and God. Your job is to clean up your side of the street so your connection to God can be improved.

Understand, none of this is about getting what you want out of the relationship. None of this is about fixing the other person in the relationship. I do believe if you pursue these four steps the general response will be a great improvement in all your relationships. However, other people are involved. There is no accounting for those who refuse to pursue healthy relationships. When you have followed these four steps you may improve the relationship or you may not. What I guarantee you is as you pursue this course with more and more people in your life, your peace in your relationships will increase. You will grow. You will be a better person in all your relationships. You will face life more positively.

Start today. Pick a relationship and start cleaning up your side of the street. I suggest you start with your spouse.

Clean Up Your Side of the Street

by 1 Comment

It happened again this weekend. Marita said something which angered me and I went ballistic. Now, don’t misunderstand, this is not Marita’s fault. I’ve learned that if I go ballistic, there is usually something internally with me that is not lining up right and to cover up for it, to deflect from it, or simply to justify it, I get heated and start going off. After all, it makes me feel better if I can make it look like it is everybody else’s fault, not mine. Hmmm. Wonder if that is where my kids get it from?

Anyway, once again I have a very tangible reminder that in the family, we all need to work on cleaning up our own side of the street. Don’t get me wrong, I understand there are times when we need to let others know when they’ve been walking all over us, hurt us, or been behaving inappropriately. However, when the rage is really coming on, especially when you can tell it is an overreaction, the problem is usually not the other person. It is usually us. We’ve got something going on causing discord internally. If we would just deal with it, the rage would dissipate.

So, here’s the plan of attack. The next time someone does something that really, really makes you angry. Stop and look at yourself. Are you deflecting away from some guilt or shame you are feeling on the inside? Do you feel some specific issue is being attacked within you? What is it? Is it some part about which you are ashamed? Is it your pride swelling up? The really tough part is after the fight, hurt, or whatever struggle has occurred and now you are wishing the other person would fess up with all the wrong they did, quit thinking about them. Take a look at you. What did you do to precipitate the problem? Go make amends for that.

I’m not saying the other person is completely innocent. It takes two to tango. However, you can’t control anyone else. You can’t fix your spouse, your kids, or your parents. You can’t make them do anything about any of the wrong they did. However, none of their wrong justifies yours. Therefore, without justification, excuse-making, or blaming, you need to look at your side of the street. What trash is on your side that needs to be cleaned up? Pick it up. Throw it away. Make an amends for your side of the street.

I’d like to promise you that if you do this, your spouse, children, and parents will come around and start cleaning up their side of the street and your relationships with them will always be peachy. Sadly, I can’t promise that. Certainly, most of the time when one person in a relationship humbles him or herself and starts cleaning up their own side of the street, the defenses come down with everyone, apologies flow forth on all sides, and the relationship grows. However, that is just not always the case.

How should you respond if you start working on your side of the street and whoever you’ve been having the struggle with refuses to respond in kind? Just keep cleaning up your side of the street. Why? Because you are not doing this to fix the other person. If you are, you aren’t cleaning up your side of the street, you are cluttering it more with manipulation. Keep cleaning your side of the street because this grants you serenity, peace, and joy. If you let your side of the street stay junky, you’ll always be struggling with the guilt of what you have caused and your part in the struggle. Let’s face it, even if you are doing everything in your power to deflect, justify, blame others, and excuse your behavior, something inside you knows what you’ve done. The guilt and shame will be overpowering, even if it is completely subconscious. That will cause a repeating cycle of trashing up your side of the street and destroying your relationships with others.

And of course, be patient in this process. Be patient with yourself. Perhaps one day you’ll get so good at cleaning up your side of the street you don’t have those blow-ups anymore. However, if you messed up again today, don’t give up on your side of street. Just pick up the trash with which you’ve littered and move on as best you can. It’s a growth process. Life is about progress not perfection. And if you’re married to someone who keeps trashing their side of the street, be patient with them. Like you, they make a lot of mistakes and are growing. Give them time.

Well, I hope this was helpful. I have to go now and do a bunch of street sweeping.

(Check out this follow up article: 4 Steps to Cleaning Your Own Side of the Street)

Reprieve for Pregnant Woman is Inconsistent with Modern Thought on Abortion

by 2 Comments

I know this is not my typical kind of Springboard for the Family and I hope I can say all this properly so as not to skew my point. However, I’m a little shocked at some articles I’ve read this week about a British woman in Laos. Apparently, this young woman has been arrested while in Laos on charges of drug trafficking. I don’t know if she’s guilty or innocent. So I’m not weighing forth on that. The amount of drug she allegedly carried warrants death by firing squad in Laos.

The hitch? The young woman is pregnant. The news stories do not question so much whether she should be executed according to the law of Laos as much as how a pregnant woman shouldn’t be executed.

My point here is not to agree or disagree with the policy of not executing pregnant women (actually, I would tend to agree with that policy). However, I can’t help but think that if this young woman were in America and decided she didn’t want that baby, she would be allowed to kill it willy-nilly without any interference from anyone. In the debate about abortion, we are told that what is inside her is nothing more than a fetus parasite and she has control over that and can kill it if she wants. However, get her arrested, threaten to execute her and suddenly that fetus parasite is a baby that has a life of its own.

I happen to agree that what is inside her is a baby. I happen to agree that it has a life of its own. I happen to agree it should not also be punished for the mother’s crimes. I just wanted to point out the inconsistency of the politically correct. When it suits their purposes, it’s just a fetus and you’re not killing anything. When it suits their purposes it is a life that needs preserving. How convenient.

Why is this a springboard for your family? Because, if you happen to stumble across this article and your thinking about stopping your family before it starts by aborting your baby, please, reconsider. Even the liberals truly know what is inside you is a life, a separate life that deserves it’s chance to live. 

If you have stumbled across this and have already had an abortion. I hope you will reconsider what you’ve done. But I also hope you realize God still loves you. He sent His Son for you and you can find forgiveness in HIm. You can find freedom from the guilt and shame you feel through Jesus Christ.

If you have stumbled across this and don’t care about abortion. I simply hope you’ll think about this inconsistency and see how it should impact your views. Please, don’t just discount it because it doesn’t toe the modern party line of political correctness. Wrestle with this. Because to be consistent, you should either give up abortion or you should say the pregnancy shouldn’t impact whether the woman is executed for her crimes if proven guilty.

Please, don’t stop your family before it is started. Consider raising your child. Right now it seems impossible, but in a 10 or 20 years, you will see it completely differently. If that is not an option, consider adoption. there are numerous people who have tried and tried to have children and can’t. You can be a blessing to them. Be a springboard for their family.

But whatever you think about this, let’s at least be consistent.

Don’t Make Rash Promises about Your Family

by 1 Comment

I am always humbled when I read a passage I’ve read dozens of times and suddenly realize I hadn’t quite gotten it before. I am just now arriving at my office from a great Bible study with some other men. We looked at Ecclesiastes 5:1-9. I’ve read this passage about making vows I don’t know how many times. I’ve taught it in classes and referenced it in sermons. However, it was not until this morning as we were discussing that it hit me what this passage was saying. Further, its application to the family is just natural.

Don’t Make Rash Promises

In the past, I’ve merely seen it as a warning against making rash vows. It has served as a warning against making vows in the heat of the moment. You know, the vows like, “God, if you get me out of this mess, I’ll never miss an assembly again and I’ll give you half of everything I ever make.” It has served as a warning against hypocritical vows that I don’t really intend to keep. You know vows made while conducting my own brand of spiritual finger crossing (as if I could actually trick God like I can trick you).

However, the last part of Ecclesiastes 5:1 hit me this morning. It says, “…for they do not know that they are doing evil.” In other words, the person making this vow doesn’t even realize they are doing wrong. They are not consciously lying. They are not purposefully trying to cheat God. This is the person who sincerely believes he is going to accomplish exactly what he says. Why on earth would God warn sincere vow takers to pause, back up, and reconsider before they tie themselves to a vow?

The problem is, in my haste to prove to God what a wonderful servant I am, I make all kinds of vows. “God, I’ll never ever do such and such again. God I promise I’ll always do this and that. God you can count on my to always be there for you.” Ecclesiastes 5:1-3 is telling me when I come into God’s presence I need to shut up. Instead of trying to prove how awesome I am to God and how I’ll always do what is right and never do what is wrong, I need to stop and listen to God. I need to realize that the awesome one in this picture is not me. God is not interested in my protestations of awesomeness. He is interested in me humbling myself before Him and see how awesome He is.

I can’t help but see the story of Luke 18:10-13. The Pharisee came into God’s presence and spoke of his own greatness. He wasn’t listening to God. He never noticed God trying to let him know he needed a Savior. He wouldn’t shut up long enough to see what he needed from God. The tax collector, however, had clearly listened to God. He knew he couldn’t make grandiose promises of greatness. He was a sinner in need of God’s greatness. He didn’t make great vows of never sinning again. He simply expressed his own needs of God’s mercy. He didn’t make rash promises about all the amazing things he would do if God forgave him. He simply asked for forgiveness.

Applying It to the Family

I know what you’re asking, “What on earth does this have to do with my family?” As I considered the meaning of this passage, I couldn’t help but think of the number of promises I made before I had children. How many times did I vow after I was upset by my parents, “God, when I have kids, I won’t treat my kids like that”? How many times have I vowed after witnessing some other parents’ mistakes, “God, you can count on me to not make that mistake”? How many times have I seen the children of others committing some infraction, “God, you better believe my kids will never do that”?

In my haste to prove how awesome I am, I made promises I cannot possibly keep. At the time, I didn’t know I was making rash vows. I was sure I would be the perfect parent. I knew all my parents’ mistakes. I had witnessed other parents make huge mistakes. I had read books on parenting. I had even preached sermons on parenting. I was certain Marita and I would do it just right. In a sense, it was as if I thought we were going to raise the next Jesus. We would be so good at parenting, our children would never do anything wrong. 

Well, we have four now and the promises are getting fewer and fewer. The more I parent, the more I recognize I just can’t keep these vows. In fact, I need to beg God’s forgiveness for ever making such statements. I admit, Ecclesiastes 5:4-7 frightens me on this. However, I’m sure I serve a forgiving and loving God who is happy that I am figuring out how weak I am and how much I need to depend on Him instead of believing He can depend on me.

Do Your Best but Don’t Make Promises

Please, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying we should not be committed to doing what is right in all of our service to God, including our parenting. Nor am I saying, “Well, we’re just weak, so don’t worry about it if you commit sins or mess up in your parenting.” A huge theme throughout Ecclesiastes is to fear God and keep His commandments (Ecclesiastes 12:13). 

Instead of making all kinds of rash vows about how I am going to be the amazing servant who does that perfectly, I need to just humble myself and do my best. As the old saying goes, “Make you no promises, tell you no lies.” Yes, I’m committed to never lusting, lying, clamoring, murmuring, etc. ever again. However, do I honestly believe I can make some kind of vow to God about that? Do I honestly believe I can promise God right now, “God, I vow I’ll never ever do any of those things again?” Or am I making a commitment with my mouth that my flesh will not keep? 

Don’t make rash vows. Just humbly submit to the Lord. Grow in fear of Him and strive today to keep His commandments. He hasn’t said we have to vow anything. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are by vowing obedience. Instead, we can prove how awesome He is by humbling ourselves before Him, striving to obey Him, and when we fall short, confessing to Him.

We should do the same in parenting. We don’t have to prove how awesome we are with so many vows. In fact, all those vows will end up doing is demonstrate how weak we are and how much we need God (that is, when we are rigorously honest). Instead, we should just do our best, fear God, keep His commandments, and when we fall short, confess that to Him and seek His mercy.

Be quiet when you come into God’s presence. Don’t make rash promises trying to show how great you are. Rather, listen to how great God is and surrender to Him.

 

P.S. The men’s study I was talking about earlier meets every other Tuesday at 6 am at the Cracker Barrel off of hwy 96 in Franklin, Tennessee. If you are in the area, feel free to join us. Obviously, our next meeting will be in two weeks (May 12).

The Parent Factor: 6 Keys to Helping Your Kids Get the Most Out of Bible Class

by 2 Comments

I want to thank Clay Gentry for providing today’s guest post.

The Parent Factor

For a child to grow into a mature Christian it takes more than a good Bible class curriculum, a prepared and competent teacher, and a couple of hours of Bible class each week. The most important factor in a child’s spiritual development is what we will call the Parent Factor. The parent is the one who helps their child gain the most from good Bible class curriculum, excellent teachers, and the benefit of scheduled Bible class with the church. Here are six ways you can be the Parent Factor and help your child gain the most from Bible class.

1.     Know what your child is learning.

You can’t help your child get more from their Bible classes if you don’t know what they are learning. This can be done several ways. First, get involved by talking to your child’s teacher before or after class to gain a perspective on the material/story that was covered. Second, pay attention to the take homes your child brings to you after class. These are valuable in helping you learn what your child was taught and they reinforce the child’s memory of the lessons.

2.     When reviewing your child’s Bible class lessons, ask open-ended questions.

When helping your child review their lessons it’s important to ask the right kind of questions. Use open-ended questions that have your child recall information they learned instead of closed-ended question which only require a “yes” or a “no” answer. If your child’s teacher told you that they talked about Noah building the ark, some good questions for your child would be “Who built the ark?”; “Why did Noah build the ark?”; “What did Noah put in the ark?”; etc. Open-ended questions are a great way to help your child remember their bible class material.

3.     Have a consistent time for Bible study at home.

Having a consistent Bible study time at home works well for teaching your child the importance of studying scriptures outside of the assembly. Use extra lessons from church as your material. This provides you an opportunity to follow along with your child’s class and helps to reinforce lessons learned. You can keep your child’s take home activities each week and put them in a binder or scrapbook to use as visual prompts to help your child recall Bible stories that have been covered. Plus it also makes for a great memory book later on for both you and your child.

4.     Use songs to teach your child important Bible concepts and facts. 

Learn the songs that your child sings in Bible class and teach them some new ones. Teaching children songs helps them remember Bible passages (The Wise Man Built His House Upon The Rock); Bible concepts (O Be Careful Little Eyes); and Bible stories (Zaccheus Was a Wee Little Man). Once you know the songs, sing them with your child. Sing them in the car; when you’re walking; when you’re playing; sing them all the time. By doing this you will help build your child’s faith in what they are learning by showing them that the Bible and its lessons are not just for church, but for all times.

5.     Read Bible stories to your child with inflection.

Read them with voices for each character, and with voice inflections for different phrases. Young children need help in visualizing what is being read to them. This is why we use pictures in teaching them Bible stories. Similarly, you can use distinct voices for each character and good inflection for statements when reading to them. This helps your child better understand what is being read because the stories come alive with depth and richness of sound. Your child will be able to better remember the Bible stories that you read together.

6.     Pray about it.

The foundation of all that we do should be prayer. Pray for your child’s Bible class teacher. Pray for your child. Pray for yourself. And pray with your child that God will grant both of you wisdom and understanding of His word. The first five points will help your child remember their Bible class material but they should be coupled with prayer.

Don’t ever doubt the Parent Factor in a successful Bible class program. Parents invest a great deal to help children gain the most from Bible classes. The teachers appreciate it. The children grow by it. God is glorified through it. So parents, make the difference. Be the defining factor.

Elliot’s 99 Balloons

by 2 Comments

I’m finally able to hop on the computer at home. Our internet has been fixed after being down nearly a week. I have a power cord for my laptop so I can actually turn it on. I had thought it was too late to worry about getting a Springboard for Your Family up, but I wanted to check my e-mail now that I had the chance. My good friend Clay Gentry forwarded a link to this video and I simply had to share it immediately. 

I don’t have anything to say about it. Just check it out. Grab your tissues first.