God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

Edwin Crozier

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs Pt 2–Teach Them to Trust

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We continue our series on the three unhealthy family rules, by which too many families live.

Rule #1: Don’t Feel

Rule #2: Don’t Trust

Rule #3: Don’t Talk

Last week, we pointed out living by these rules are some of the biggest causes of addictions as we grow up. These are the reasons that some people can go through detox, endure the withdrawal period, seem to be clean, come home and go right back to their addiction. It’s more than physical. Because they learned they weren’t supposed to feel, learned not to trust and learned not to talk, they have nowhere to turn to deal with the feelings coming up, so they medicate them.

We learned about how we can teach our children not to feel in part 1. In just the same way, we must teach our children to trust. Relationships are built on trust. Without trust, you can’t have vulnerability. Without vulnerability, you can’t have emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy. Without emotional, mental or spiritual intimacy you can’t have a good relationship.

Of course, some are saying, “You have to be careful teaching your kids to trust people. They can really get hurt.” See, you learned this lesson while growing up too.

“Oh no, I’ve never taught my children not to trust me or not to trust anyone.” Good, I hope that’s the case. I know for me, I’ve violated this rule too many times and I’ve seen it violated.

Let me share 8 ways we teach our children not to trust.

1. Gossip

Not gossiping about our kids. Gossiping about other people in front of our kids. Kids aren’t stupid. They can see when we treat others well to their faces and then talk about all their flaws, faults and problems behind their backs. What do we think they learn from that? They can only surmise we do the same to them. All those nice things we say to their faces won’t mean squat because they’re sure we must be talking badly about them behind their backs. 

Additionally, since most of their relationships are going to be fundamentally based on what they learn from us, they’ll think everyone must do that. Everyone must gossip. Everyone must say nice things to their faces but bad things behind their backs. It will be hard for anyone to break through that wall and gain their trust.

We must watch what we say to and about others. Our kids are learning to trust or not.

2. Belittling

This ties in with the Don’t Feel rule. Have you ever laughed at your child when they shared that something hurt them or bothered them? That is so easy to do. Their problems are so small. To us they seem insignificant and humorous. In the big scheme of things they may not matter that much. But they matter that much to them. If we belittle them by laughing at them when they open up to share their feelings, they learn not to trust us with their feelings.

Or what about this practical example. One of our children confides in us that she kind of likes a certain boy. Then every time we see that boy we needle the child. “Oh look, there’s so and so.” Or even worse, “Hey so and so, look who’s here.” What have we told our daughter? “I can’t be trusted with your feelings about boys. Don’t share anything with me, I’ll only hurt or embarrass you with it.”

3. Mocking

When emotions come out, they can be…well…emotional. In our culture, truly expressing emotions is not the norm (which will lead us directly into the Don’t Talk rule that will come next week), therefore when they come out we might mock them. 

“Big boys don’t cry.” “Quit being such a sensitive girl.” Or worse, we might even mock their crying and then laugh at them. With little children their attempts to express their anger can easily come off seeming a little silly. The last thing we want to do is make fun of their expressions of anger. To add insult to injury, how often do we store up the story of our child’s emotions to share with our spouses when they get home. We tell the story and share a good laugh at the child’s expense. 

All our kids learn from this is we can’t be trusted with their feelings.

4. Betraying confidences

Sometimes we can feel our kids’ secrets are not nearly as important as ours. Who really cares if we tell our friends about our son’s girl troubles or about our daughter’s fears when she had her first menstrual cycle? It’s not like these are issues of national security. We know no one will look down on them. Those really aren’t big deals. 

Once again, it is to our kids. We need to remember how we felt when we were kids. Sharing these kinds of secrets was big stuff. We were laying our heart on the line. We were making ourselves extremely vulnerable. I know that as we got older and started dealing with bigger things we came to believe those issues weren’t so big. But back then they were huge. Even though one day our kids will also come to realize those things were not that big, the feeling of betrayal will linger even when they can’t remember why. They’ll learn not to trust others.

5. Broken promises

How do we feel when someone tells us they will do something and then they don’t? For our kids it is ten times worse when their own parent makes a promise and then breaks it. Our children don’t have the mental capacity or experience to understand about our work and other responsibilities. They just know we promised and we didn’t follow through. 

The first thing this means is we need to be careful what we promise and commit to. If we’re loose with making promises and commitments we can’t keep, our kids will lose trust. Keep in mind, you don’t have to say, “I promise” for a child to think we’ve promised. If we say we’re going to do something, we had better do it. Otherwise, our kids learn people can’t be trusted to do what they say.

Certainly, there are times when promises get broken and we couldn’t help it. In these cases, we must validate and affirm our child’s feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal. Don’t berate them for their feelings. Remember how you feel when someone brakes a promise to you. Then apologize and make an amends. Don’t offer excuses and justifications. Make amends and ask for forgiveness. But don’t let this become a habit. I believe our children are resilient. But I also believe they are smart. They can see when you just have a habit of lying but then trying to make nice to get out of it.

6. Overreaction to mistakes

I am certainly a believer in corporal punishment. I believe there is a time to use the rod of discipline. However, if we hold our kids to adult standards and then overreact with discipline because they acted like kids, they’ll learn to fear, not trust us. I believe our children have a sense of justice. They can learn early on that misbehavior warrants appropriate discipline. My wife and I have had great conversations with our kids in which we agreed together about disciplinary measures for certain issues of disobedience and rebellion.

Sadly, some of us don’t react with appropriate discipline. We overreact because we’re angry, inconvenienced, frustrated, embarrassed. In these cases, our children learn we can’t be trusted with their mistakes. If we yell, scream and belittle because our child accidentally spilled his milk, telling him accidents wouldn’t happen if he just paid more attention, we shouldn’t be surprised when our child doesn’t want to come talk to us when he’s older and has made some really big mistakes. How many prodigals don’t make the trip home because they learned early on they couldn’t trust their parents with their mistakes.

7. Don’t believe them

I know this is tough. Our kids don’t have a highly developed sense of morality. They haven’t figured out the morality of telling truth and lies. So sometimes they will lie out of self-preservation. They’re not actively choosing to be immoral, they’re just kids. That being the case, we sometimes run on the default belief that our kids aren’t telling the truth. Perhaps we are afraid that others will think we’re being soft with our kids. 

I recall one time when an adult called to tell me about how my daughter was picking on her grandson. The truth of the matter was the boys had been picking on the girls first and the girls were just retaliating out of a sense of self-defense. What would have happened if I had ignored my daughter’s explanation and assumed she was lying? I would have taught her that I don’t trust her. I would haver taught her that I don’t trust people. If I don’t trust people, why should she?

8. Don’t trust them

Too many parents codependently follow their kids around checking up on them to make sure they did what they said, did it the right way, did it the parents’ way. They don’t trust their kids to do what’s right and it is betrayed in the way they deal with them. Every conversation is a cross-examination about whereabouts, who are you withs and what are you doings.

Look, I know it’s tough. We are concerned for our kids. However, what we need to work on is modeling right behavior, teaching right behavior, preparing them to face temptations and then trusting them to do the right thing. This is increasingly true the older our children get and should be a way of life for us once they are grown and out of our house. 

Here’s the key, if we’ve let them learn it is okay to feel and then to trust, when they make mistakes, they’ll know. They’ll feel guilty and they’ll talk to us about it. Then we have opportunity to let them learn positively from their mistakes. Taking the other approach is a vicious cycle. When we show our children we don’t trust, they won’t trust us. They’ll do wrong things but be afraid to talk to us about it. Then they’ll just sit in their shame and guilt. Having no healthy release for these feelings, they’ll look to medicate them by pursuing those same mistakes that got them here in the first place. The less we trust them, the less they trust us, the more mistakes they make, the more they look rebellious, the less we trust them…

 

Yes, it is true. Sooner or later, when we teach our children to trust, they’ll get burned by someone. However, if we’ve lived in such a way that they can trust us, they’ll talk to us about it and we can help them through it in a healthy way.

If you really want to keep your kids away from addictions, let them feel and be trustable. As I said last week, there is no fool proof formula. However, when you follow this, you’ll give your kids a leg up against addiction. Additionally, you’ll give them a leg up for serenity and peace in their marriage, relationships and life.

The Psalms Teach Us to be Honest with Ourselves and with God

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I’ve been studying the Psalms a great deal lately. I came across this great statement from Walter Brueggemann’s Praying the Psalms. Instead of me commenting, tell me what you think about it.

“Note that the Psalms thus propose to speak about human experience in an honest, freeing way. this in contrast to much human speech and conduct which is in fact a cover-up. In most arenas where people live, we are expected and required to speak the language of safe orientation and equilibrium, either to find it so or to pretend we find it so. For the normal, conventional functioning of public life, the raw edges of disorientation and reorientation must be denied or suppressed for purposes of public equilibrium. As a result, our speech is dulled and mundane. Our passion has been stilled and is without imagination. And mostly the Holy One is not addressed, not because we dare not, but because God is far away and hardly seems important. This means that the agenda and intention of the Psalms is considerably at odds with the normal speech of most people, the normal speech of a stabled, functioning, self-deceptive culture in which everything must be kept running young and smooth.

“Against that, the speech of the Psalms is abrasive, revolutionary, and dangerous. It announces that life is not like that, that our common experience is not one of well-being and equilibrium, but a churning, disruptive experience of dislocation and relocation. Perhaps in our conventional, routinized prayer life (e.g., the daily practice of the office) that is one of the reasons the Psalter does not yield its power–because out of habit or fatigue or numbness, we try to use the Psalms in our equilibrium. And when we do that we miss the point of the Psalms. Moreover, our own experience may be left untapped and inarticulate and therefore not liberated…

“Thus I suggest that most of the Psalms can only be appropriately prayed by people who are living at the edge of our lives, sensitive to the raw hurts, the primitive passions, and the naive elations that are at the bottom of our life. For most of us, liturgical or devotional entry into the Psalms requires a real change of pace. It asks us to depart from the closely managed world of public survival, to move into the open, frightening, healing world of speech with the Holy One.”

Help Your Kids Stay Off Drugs, Let Them Feel

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Most families learn and live by three major but unhealthy rules. 

1. Don’t Feel.

2. Don’t Trust

3. Don’t Talk

We’ll talk about the others over the next few weeks; today the first one is on my mind. I have been tested on this two times in as many days. 

Test #1

Over the weekend, Ryan cut his upper lip. It formed an unattractive scab underneath his nose. In fact, to be honest, it kind of stood out like a sore thumb. On Monday morning, I walked into his room and he had put a band-aid on. But he was also covering his mouth and saying, “I don’t want to go to school today.” The whole reason is he was embarrassed by the bandage and the cut. For an instant, my old sin enslaved self started to rear up. I reached for the band-aid to yank it off and harshly rebuke him saying, “You don’t need that stupid band-aid, take it off.” Fortunately, none of that happened. I caught myself and I stopped myself. Instead, I hugged him. Told him it was okay to be embarrassed but that he couldn’t stay home from school just because he had a cut lip. He was going to have to work through it. I also told him I didn’t think he needed the band-aid, but he was having none of that.

I was proud of him when just before he left to go wait on the driveway for the bus, I noticed the band-aid was off and he was happy.

Test #2

Last night, the weather report was that we were going to get snow. Ethan is only 9. He assumed the weather report had to be true. He wanted to stay up since he wasn’t going to school today. I had to explain to him the weather is wrong sometimes and we needed to go ahead and act like school was on schedule. Sadly, when Ethan’s alarm went off this morning. He looked outside and there was no snow. 

As I was getting ready, I thought I heard some strange noises coming from the boys’ bedroom. I walked in and Ethan was lying face down on the bed crying. The old sin-enslaved me started to rear up again. For an instant, I wanted to say, “Quit your whining and acting like a cry baby. We don’t always get what we want. Now buck up and finish getting ready for school.” Fortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, I called him to me and gave him a hug. I let him know it was okay to be sad because he didn’t get the snow he wanted. However, even though he was sad, the next right thing was to get ready for school. Of course, I explained that we don’t always get what we want and it’s okay to be sad about that. However, we still have to keep our responsibilities. He laid back down for a few minutes and then finished getting ready.

The Springboard

Sadly, because the feelings of our children are often inconvenient (trust me, I don’t pass this test every time), we often act like their feelings are inappropriate or invalid. Even more sadly, when we do this, the message our kids get is not, “Buck up and move on,” but rather, “You are not valid.” Certainly, I know we should not be governed strictly by our feelings and emotions. However, we should be free to feel them.

Consider Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry and do not sin…” First, you need to know the phrase “be angry” is passive. That is, it is not talking about someone who is just angry. Rather, it is talking about someone who has been caused to be angry. But the anger is not wrong. They are allowed to feel the anger. Of course, when they are angered, they still have responsibilities. They cannot allow their anger to lead them to sin. But, they are allowed to feel the anger.

This is a guide for me for all emotions. My kids are allowed to be angry. They are allowed to be happy. They are allowed to be sad. They are allowed to be embarrassed. They are allowed to feel lonely, guilty, ashamed or afraid. They are allowed to feel frustrated. My job is not to squelch or strike these emotions out of their life. My job is to help them deal with them in a healthy way. My job is to help them avoid sin when they are feeling these emotions. 

Why the Title About Drugs?

I didn’t just put the title in to pique your interest. What we are discussing here is actually the heart of addictions–whether substance or process addictions. You see, the number one cause for addiction is not simply experimentation (though I don’t advise experimentation). The number one cause for addiction is having to deal with feelings I have become convinced are not valid. The anger, fear, sadness, loneliness, etc. will be there even if we try to beat it out of our kids (You know, “Stop crying or I’ll give you a reason…”). 

If we allow our kids to feel and use those as opportunities to teach them how to respond appropriately to feelings, they’ll be healthy. On the other hand, if we don’t let them feel, they’ll need to start doing something with those feelings. They’ll need to medicate them. Drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, television, internet, video games, food, they can all become addictive. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is no fail proof way to keep your kids from any of those things. But the number one key to give them a leg up and a push in the right direction is don’t give them a reason to medicate their feelings. Let them feel, affirm them in their feelings, guide them in their feelings, teach them how to deal with those feelings.

Of course, you cant’ give what you don’t have. If you’re constantly medicating your own feelings, get help or you’ll just perpetuate the cycle with your kids.

A Prayer for Us

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Just this past weekend, I read for the first time the prayer attributed to Francis of Assisi. I was almost moved to tears. I hope to make the sentiments of this prayer my own every day.

 

Lord, make me a channel of your peace
–that where there is hatred, I may bring love
–that where there is wrong, I may bring a spirit of forgiveness
–that where there is discord, I may bring harmony
–that where there is error, I may bring truth
–that where there is doubt, I may bring faith
–that where there is despair, I may bring hope
–that where there are shadows, I may bring light
–that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted
–to understand, than to be understood
–to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.

Amen

All I could say was, “WOW!” What a great encapsulation of a godly life. That is my prayer for me today. That is my prayer for you today.

May God richly bless you as you draw closer to Him. More importantly, may you richly bless God.

The #1 Key to Having Peace and Happiness in Your Marriage

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Photo by JoEllen Gilbert

I know my title seems too good to be true. You can’t possibly have a #1 key to make your marriage happy and peaceful. But there really is this kind of a powerful key. Before I share it with you, let me warn you, it’s not easy. I’m not sharing it with you because I’ve got it down. I just know it works.

Are you ready?

The #1 key to having peace and happiness in your marriage (and in any relationship for that matter) is replace your sense of entitlement with a sense of service.

“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH! That’s too hard,” you cry.

Like I said, it’s not easy. But it will work. (Warning: I’m a guy. I have illustrations from the husband’s perspective. I don’t mean to leave wives out. For all of you women, just understand that for me to actually live by this principle, I have to think about this from my standpoint. So, even though my illustrations are from my perspective, you can transfer them to a woman’s perspective and get the same lesson).

The fact is, why do I get angry with my wife? Usually because I feel like she has done something to me that I didn’t deserve or she hasn’t done something I think I deserve. My sense of entitlement is ignited and I begin to resent her. Then I just get downright angry. We start to fight. Of course, she joins right in the fight because now her sense of entitlement kicks in.

What happens if I remove my sense of entitlement. What if I don’t come home with the feeling that I deserve to have supper on the table as I walk through the door? What if I don’t do the dishes with the mindset I should get a reward for it later? What if I don’t judge every word out of her mouth through my “you owe me respect” filter? Perhaps I won’t be provoked as often.

But let’s add the second half of this #1 key. What if I not only removed by sense of entitlement but also replaced it with a sense of service? What if I came home looking for opportunities to help my wife make supper? What if I did the dishes because I love my wife and family and not in order to have sex? What if spoke to my wife in a way that said I loved and served her? Do you think that might impact my marriage.

I’m a Christian, and, sadly, all too often I’ve heard other Christians throw Bible verses at their spouse: “The Bible says you’re supposed to love me!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to respect me!” “The Bible says you have to put out because your body is not your own!” “The Bible says you’re supposed to sacrifice for me like Christ did the church!” 

I’ll admit, the Bible says some things to our spouses. However, all those passages on marriage were not given to us to throw at our spouses. They were given to us so we could learn how we are supposed to act. I say we make a pact with ourselves and God. We will no longer attack our spouses with Bible verses that say what they are supposed to do. Instead, we will replace our sense of entitlement with a sense of service. We’ll look at ourselves and what the Bible asks of us. We won’t assume that because we are working extra hard to do what we are supposed to that it means our spouse now owes us a response in kind. That is just sneaking entitlement in the back door. We need to perform the actions of love because we love, not because we hope it will get us some reward. 

Please, don’t anyone ask Marita how well I do at this. This is a growth process. I’m not anywhere near perfect on it. I have some good days and I have some bad days. I am thankful, however, that I have finally identified this principle. Maybe it will take hold even deeper. Hold me to it.

The Bible is Our Treasure Map

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What is the Bible? No doubt I could talk about the collection of books. I could mention it’s two major sections, Old and New Testament. I could talk about the number of writers, the different languages, etc. But with all this, we still wouldn’t know what the Bible is.

Matthew 13:44 likens the kingdom of heaven to a treasure hidden in a field. I want to piggyback off that simile and present the Bible as the treasure map. It is the guide to get us to the right field, to dig in the right spot so we can have the right treasure. As II Peter 1:11 says, we want to enter “the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.” However, the way to eternal life in that kingdom is not cheap, easy or natural. Matthew 7:13-14 says we must “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

God has given us the Bible to be our guide. It lights our way (cf. Psalm 119:105). This should affect how I read and apply it. Think about how we use any other map. Just a few weeks ago, I took a trip from Spring Hill, Tennessee to Chillicothe, Ohio. I pulled out my map to show the way. When I pulled out my map, I wasn’t trying to learn how to be good enough to get to Chillicothe. I simply had faith that my atlas would show me the way that worked. By following the roads the map showed, I wasn’t trying to earn my way to Chillicothe. I just wanted to go the right way or I wouldn’t get there. That is the way we should read the Bible. We can’t be good enough to earn heaven. The Bible wasn’t given so we could be good enough to earn heaven. If we gain eternal life in the eternal kingdom of heaven it will not be because we are good enough, but because God is good enough. Instead of reading the Bible so I can be good enough, I should read the Bible and apply it because God’s way works. God’s directions will really get me to that treasure.

This should also impact how we discuss the Bible with other folks. Let’s just say I made a wrong turn on my Chillicothe trip. For instance, let’s say I turned south on I-65 instead of north. How should I have responded if my wife said, “Hey, Edwin, you just made a wrong turn; you need to turn around”? Maybe I might say, “Why you judgmental, narrow-minded, nitpicky little Pharisee. Who gave you the right to tell me how to get to Chillicothe? Wow. You just think you’re the only person going to Chillicothe, don’t you.” That doesn’t make any sense at all, does it? The fact is, I can travel south on I-65 from Spring Hill and I’ll never get to Chillicothe, Ohio. I can call the person who tells me the right way all kinds of names, but that won’t make me get to Chillicothe. When someone says I’m going the wrong way, I just need to get out the map and see. If I’m going the wrong way, then I need to turn around or I’ll never get there. The same is true with the Bible. Instead of railing with all kinds of names, anger and hatred at those who tell me I’m going the wrong way, I need to just pull out the map God has given me. If they’re right, then I need to change, because if I’m going the wrong way, I’ll never get to my treasure. If I find they are wrong, then I can show them the map.

Of course, I know some of us seem to see the map differently. That saddens me, but I know it will be this way. After all, Jesus said only few will find the way to life. In this case, I simply pray that God will help me understand His guide. I can’t change just because someone else says I’m reading the map incorrectly and I don’t expect everyone else to change just because I say they are reading it incorrectly. However, I think we can have these discussions without all the fighting and hatred that comes up. We can let God do the judging. Granted, we may not be able to walk hand in hand because we are going different ways, but as we discuss these differences we can do it with love and compassion. In fact, I have the idea that if we all started reading the Bible as God’s guide to our treasure instead of the debate guide to argue our favorite point and prove we are right and others are wrong, we might just learn the key to figuring out the right way to eternal life. Let’s just surrender to what God has to say. He buried the treasure. He knows where it is and how to get to it. Why don’t we just do that? Not because we are earning the treasure. We can’t do that. No, it’s just because if God says the treasure is that way, we need to go that way or we’ll never get the treasure.

I’m ready to get that treasure, so I’m busy getting in the Word trying to figure out which way God is telling me to go. What are you doing?

 

By the way, in related news, my other blog, giveattentiontoreading.com, started a journey through the New Testament today that will last six months. If you’re interested in joining us, I invite you to hop over there, read and talk with us. We’re striving to learn God’s way to the treasure together.