God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

Edwin Crozier

Believing in the God of the Psalmists, Part 7: God Is My Rock

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(For those keeping track of the days, I know Monday is supposed to be our Springboard for Your Spiritual Life. I spent half of yesterday at the tire store getting tires and alignment on the Suburban. Despite being told I was on the network, I couldn’t access the internet. Then, just when I was going to get to make it to the office and put up my posts, Ryan, my seven-year-old, had a bike accident and I had to get him to the ER for stitches. He’s fine, just scraped up, thanks for asking. So, I’m putting up yesterday’s post now and will add in today’s Springboard for Your Family Life later today.)

Praying Like the Psalmists

If you are stumbling across this for the first time, you may want to start at the beginning of the series and work your way through the links at the end of each post.  Or check out the index for this entire series of posts. We’ve learned so much about the psalmists and their relationship with God. I hope today’s is no exception.

Believing in the God of the Psalmists: God Is My Rock

Psalm 18:1-3 portrays it perfectly:

I love you, O LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised,
and I am saved from my enemies.

This is, perhaps, the most important aspect of the Psalmists’ belief in God. God was not simply an ethereal being out in the obscure heavens. He was a very real presence.

They viewed life as a battle. They were at war. The enemy pressed around on all sides. But they had a refuge, a place where they could find comfort, protection, strength. That place was God. They did not rely on their own strength. They did not rely on the strength of men. They relied on God.

The heading of Psalm 18 claims it was written on the day when David was delivered from his enemies, including Saul. What a great story that was. David refused to lift a finger against Saul because he was God’s anointed. Yet, God brought David the victory. David may have fled to other kingdoms. He may have hidden in caves. He may have gathered soldiers. But he knew none of this was his real strength and protection, God was. Without God, the kings, caves, and soldiers would have done him on good.

Letting God be Our Rock

If God is our rock, we trust Him. We do what He says just because He said it, even when we don’t understand why. If He is our protection, we just rely on Him. 

If we will ever pray as the psalmists did, we must surrender ourselves to God as they did. When David refused to strike Saul, he did so against what seemed wise. He did so against the advice of his friends and supporters. They even tried to get David to see it was a sign from God to strike down Saul. But David surrendered to God’s word. He would not strike God’s anointed. That meant his enemy would live and hunt him longer. What great faith David demonstrated there.

Who is your enemy? What is your oppression? Take your eyes off of those things and focus them on God. What is God’s will for you today? What has He said in His word about your life? Do that. Just do that. Trust God to protect you. He is the your rock, your redeemer, your deliverer, your strong and mighty tower. 

Certainly, to the world you will look foolish. Certainly, they will mock you and claim what you are doing is useless. In the end, God’s way works, even if it doesn’t work the way we expected. Let God be your protector. Quit relying on your own strength and start relying on God’s. Let go in faith and put your hand in His. He will take care of you.

Our Rock and Our Prayer

Whoever we rely on is who we’ll pray to. If we simply rely on ourselves, prayer will always be a struggle. It will never be anything more than a checklist to-do item that we intend to get to but keep putting off. If we rely on parents, we will constantly be appealing to them. If we rely on government, they will receive our constant requests. If we rely on friends, we will latch ourselves on to them and not let go. However, when we see God as the source of our protection, comfort, and victory, prayer will just happen.

How can we not pray when we believe God is the only way we’ll make it through the day victorious? As long as we think we’ve got our lives under control or could if we just tried harder, we’ll struggle with prayer. The days we see God as our only hope, we’ll pray like the psalmists.

Maybe you’re struggling with that. Then let me give you the one piece of advice that has really helped me–“Act as if.” If you can’t quite say it is completely true that you can only truly survive if you rely on God today, then act as if you believed that. How would you pray then? How would you act? How would you treat others? Do that and see if the real faith doesn’t start growing.

If we want to pray like the psalmists, we have to believe in their God. Their God was their rock. He must be ours as well.

(Don’t forget to come back next week when we talk about the psalmists view of God as the shepherd.)

Something Worth Doing, Part 8: Go Somewhere Worth Seeing

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.) 

Today, I want to…

Go Somewhere Worth Seeing

Oh, the Places You’ll Go

“Oh, the places you’ll go,” Dr. Seuss told me when I graduated high school (my parents gave me the book as a graduation present). There are lots of places to go. Sadly, I’ve been some places that weren’t worth seeing. I don’t want to dwell on those. But there are so many places worth seeing.

God’s world is filled with places to see. Some places are worth seeing because of the beauty of God’s creation—the Smoky Mountains, the Grand Canyon, the Pacific Ocean. Some places are worth seeing because of what has happened in those places—Independence Hall, Gettysburg, Jerusalem. Some places are worth seeing because of how they relate to our world today—the White House, Buckingham Palace, Ground Zero. Some places are worth seeing because of what we can learn from them—the Smithsonian, the Louvre, the British Museum. Some places are worth seeing because they show us the amazing accomplishments and abilities of man—the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China, Mount Rushmore. Some places are worth seeing because of what they stand for—the Statue of Liberty, the Washington Monument, the Vietnam Memorial.  Some places are worth seeing because they remind us how blessed we are—Zimbabwe, Nigeria, the Philippines. Some places are worth seeing because of the people we meet there—our friend’s house, our church’s meeting place, our school.  Some places are worth seeing because of how they relate to us personally—our home, our parents’ birthplaces, our great-grandparents’ graves. There are many, many places worth seeing.

Oh, the Places You Already Go

At first, I was tempted to make some point about how this may not be something we do every day. That temptation demonstrates our number one problem with going somewhere worth seeing. We rarely open our eyes to recognize the places worth seeing we already visit regularly. Don’t close your eyes to the people and places right where you are.

Surely you’ve heard the story about the acres of diamonds. A South African farmer had heard all the stories of wealth from African diamond mines and decided to sell his farm in order to raise money to go looking for diamonds, wealth, and a life of ease. He searched for years and died in poverty. The man who bought his farm however, began to wonder about the peculiar rocks he kept finding as he plowed his new fields. He had a geologist check them out only to find he was sitting on one of the biggest pockets of diamonds on the entire African continent.

That story is too often us. We think so much about going somewhere that we never realize we might be someplace worth seeing right now. That place you live is somewhere worth seeing. It is more than an edifice, a structure of brick and mortar, timber and trusses. It is a home. Love, care, compassion, togetherness all happens there. At least it will if you open your eyes to how worth seeing it is. That place you work is somewhere worth seeing. It is more than a collection of offices, more than an assembly plant, more than a construction site. Things happen there. Livelihood is accomplished there. Things are made there. Blessings are generated there to go out into our world and provide for us and others. That place you go to school is somewhere worth seeing. Learning happens there. Information is exchanged there. People who know more than you are there (even when you don’t like to admit it).

I look out my office window as I write this and see asphalt, white paint, an ugly street light. I’m tempted to just see a parking lot. However, some days I’m able to see the bushes, the hydrangeas, the Bradford pears. On occasion a flash of movement has captured my eye; I look up to see a dear run in and out of the small woods on the other side of the parking lot. Wild turkeys roam across the field at the back of this building and sometimes walk right up to the door, attacking their own reflection. How beautiful. How amazing.

My kids and I explored the wooded area at the back of the property here one day. My son nearly stepped on a snake that was demonstrating its God-given ability to camouflage. After my heart started beating again, we were able to appreciate how really beautiful that was. In the woods we found a nearly dried up spring around which someone had built a structure to make it easier to wash clothes in years ago. There was a little bit of history in our backyard. It wasn’t major history, but my kids learned something about their great-grandparents that day. 

If you want to go somewhere worth seeing, start by opening your eyes to the places you already go and how worth seeing they really are.

Oh, the Places Nearby

When I think about going somewhere worth seeing, I think about long vacation trips. I want to travel in Europe. I want to hit the historical sights for the birth of my great nation the United States of America. I want to visit Williamsburg, Virginia; Boston, Massachusetts; Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I want to travel to the Grand Canyon; see the Painted Desert; swim in the clear blue waters of Hawaii.

Going somewhere worth seeing always seems like such a trip. What has amazed me since I’ve lived in Franklin, Tennessee is the number of people who thought of going somewhere worth seeing and so they traveled right here to Middle Tennessee. Would you believe that as I was typing this, someone knocked on my office door because they were looking for a church to worship with while they visited from California? They made that huge trip just to come to this area. They did that while I’m dreaming of getting out to California to visit Disneyland and see the Pacific Ocean.

My wife and I have decided to learn about places worth seeing that are a little closer to home. We have Civil War sites—the Carter House, the Carnton Plantation, the Spring Hill Battlefield. Just two and a half hours away in Chattanooga, where many in my extended family live, is the Chickamauga battlefield and an awesome aquarium. A few weeks ago my family and I took a short getaway trip to Crab Orchard Tennessee. We didn’t expect much. We only wanted a little time to ourselves away from the daily grind. But not five minutes away we found Ozone Falls. We stood atop the falls and watched the water cascade over the edge. We hiked down to what was called the plunge pool and swam at the base of the falls. I told my wife that with the possible exception of Disney World, that was the most fun I’ve ever had on a vacation. Was it worth seeing? You had better believe it. I think everyone should make the trip to Ozone Falls. Just last year, some of the men and boys from my home congregation took a camping trip. I was all excited about this trip and the canoeing we were going to do. I was shocked when I found out the campground was only 15 minutes from my house. We had a great time and I learned about a great place to take my family to get out in God’s nature.

I’m sure Middle Tennessee is not the only place in the world that is like this. If you want to go someplace worth seeing, consult a local map to see what is nearby, call your state parks and recreation department to learn of natural wonders, visit your local chamber of commerce to find out about nearby historical sites. Hey, if nothing else, go to your local library. They always have great stuff to learn about and do. You might be surprised at the groups who meet regularly at your library who can tell you all about local stuff. If all else fails you can pick up a good book that will take you someplace worth seeing.

Oh, the Places Worth Seeing All Over the World

Don’t misunderstand me. I hope you take advantage of all that you already see and all that is near you. But I don’t want to take away from all the great somewheres worth seeing the world over. I’ve been challenged by Chris Guillebeau, author of “The Art of Nonconformity,” to not be satisfied with seeing a place or two. He decided to visit every country in the world over five years. I think he’s going to make it. I’m not saying you’re only really going someplace worth seeing if you take up that great of a challenge. However, I have learned that maybe there are places worth seeing that are off the beaten trail. Maybe going in to some countries where I don’t know the language, the customs, or even the food might be a good thing for me.

Whether you want to be that much of a nonconformist or just want to see the standard places worth seeing, it is going to take some financial planning and some time management. It might take a complete change of pace for your life. Don’t just dream about going to those places, plan for it. Start saving today. Figure out the cheapest way for you to go. Don’t demand luxury all the way (unless you can afford it). Check out Chris’s travel and life tips if you really want to make a habit of going somewhere worth seeing.

Oh, the Place You’ll End Up

Of course, for me, the ultimate place worth seeing is not in this world. It is not even in this lifetime. The ultimate place worth seeing is the throne room of God in heaven. That goal reminds me that if I let myself get too caught up in going places down here on earth, I might lose track of the truly important somewhere worth seeing.

Paul said the suffering we face down here is not worth the glory that will be revealed in us and to us there (Romans 8:18). Peter said it is an inheritance that is undefiled, unfading, and imperishable (I Peter 1:4). The Bible really doesn’t say much about heaven. How can it? Our finite words cannot express the beauty, awesomeness, and grandeur of the infinite heaven. Sadly, our images of heaven are nothing more than caricatures of the real thing because they are limited by what we’ve seen on earth. But I am convinced heaven is better than earth. I want to see it. I want to experience it. I want to roll around in its fields, run through its streets, fly on its clouds. Even in those images I’m limited by own experiences or imagination based on this life.

Don’t worry, I’m not selling tickets for a bus ride to the pearly gates today. However, I have to admit I’m a little jealous of my “co-author.” Kelsey Harris, the young lady who wrote the poem that has inspired these posts, is already enjoying paradise. I look forward to seeing her again someday along with so many others. That will be somewhere worth seeing.

Remember this, you’ll be the same person in five years that you are today except for the books you read, the people you meet, and the places you go. Make sure you go somewhere worth seeing.

 

(Come back next Wednesday when we talk about Eating Something Worth Tasting.)

Believing in the God of the Psalmists, Part 6: God is King

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Mondays have just been tough for the past two months. One thing and another have kept the Spiritual Springboard from being published, but I’m back in the saddle with our look at Praying Like the Psalmists. 

 Or check out the index for this entire series of posts.

As we examine the psalms with prayer in mind, we’ll analyze, categorize, and subdivide the psalms. We’ll look at words and phrases. We’ll examine figures, pictures, and illustrations. We’ll learn a great deal. However, the first step to praying like the psalmists has little to do with their forms and figures. It has to do with their relationship with God. If we want to pray as they did, we need to believe in the God they did.

We have already seen that they believed God is, God is the creator, God is my creator, God is the source, and God is the judge. In addition to all this, God was the king of the psalmists. 

This is especially impressive considering one of the main psalmists was King David. While the psalmists recognized their earthly king and even wrote psalms about him and his place before God (e.g. Psalm 18:50; Psalm 20:9 et al), they still understood that the true and ultimate King was God. 

Psalm 2 demonstrates this. The king of Israel was on the throne only because God on His throne in the heavens placed him there. Go set the king on the holy hill of Zion.

However, God was not simply king of Israel. He is the king of the universe and everything in it. Psalm 95:3 demonstrates this absolute superiority and sovereignty, saying, “For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods.” Why pray to Jehovah when their neighbors prayed to their pantheon of gods? Because Jehovah is the king. Even if those other gods actually existed, Jehovah is the absolute ruler of all things. Why settle for minions. Go straight to the source, the ruler, the king.

Don’t misunderstand. The psalmists were absolutely anchored in their belief that those other gods didn’t actually exist. Psalm 86:10 addresses the Lord, “For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God.” There are no others. 

Finally, God was not simply the king out there in the heavens with some kind of ethereal rule over the universe. God was king of the psalmists. 

“Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray.” – Psalm 5:2

“Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God.” – Psalm 84:3

“I will extol you, my God and King, and bless your name forever and ever.” – Psalm 145:1

As King, God had the right to tell the psalmists what to do. He was an integral part of their lives. At the same time, as King, He was their protector, their deliverer, their guide. God was not just out their in the heavens; He was part of their life. He was their King.

If we want to pray like the psalmists, we must let God be King in our lives.

(Come back next Monday to learn more about the psalmists’ relationships with God. Learn to pray to God the rock, fortress, and mighty tower.)

Something Worth Doing, Part 7: Sacrificing Something Worth Giving Up.

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.) 

Today, I want to…

Sacrifice Something Worth Giving Up

Another Level

I can hear the groans now, “Edwin, you’ve already asked us to give something worth getting, what more do you want?” I want to go to the next level. I want to sacrifice something worth giving up.

The Bible story of David at the threshing floor of Araunah the Jebusite in II Samuel 24 comes to mind. David had violated God’s law and God was punishing the people. However, Gad the prophet told David if he raised an altar to the Lord on the threshing floor of Araunah, He would cease the punishment. When David explained the situation to Araunah, the Jebusite was willing to give David the threshing floor, the wood for the fire, and the oxen to offer. But David said, “I will not offer burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” It is not a sacrifice unless you are giving up something.

Do not be satisfied with the sacrifices of others. Do not say, “Let their money be given. Let their time be taken. Let their lives be spent. I want to hang on to me and my stuff.” When you stand idly by while others sacrifice, you are not giving anything up. Sacrifice is the means by which we realize life and the work done within it is worth something.

For American society, this is a tough challenge to offer. Many of us were raised by parents who said, “I want to give you all that I didn’t have.” They then handed over schooling, clothing, food, games, gizmos, gadgets, cars and so much more. Oh, they gave lectures about how much all this was worth. They talked about the value of a dollar. They got mad when the kids mistreated something given to them. But so few among us ever learned the value of something because we simply didn’t have to sacrifice.

Too few among us were taught the value of anything in life by having to sacrifice to get anything. That is why consumer debt in American continues to increase. According to MSN Money, the average household consumer debt is $18,654. On average, Americans spend 22% more than they make each year. We haven’t learned to sacrifice; we’ve only learned to get.

If you really want to learn the value of life and everything that is part of it, start sacrificing. Don’t put your vacation on your credit card. Instead, cut back on your eating out, your clothing, your weekly entertainment, and save the money. Suddenly, it starts to smart. That is sacrifice.

And yet, this is really the very smallest form of sacrifice. This is simply sacrificing something we want for something we want more. If we find it so hard to sacrifice in this way, no wonder we find it hard to sacrifice for others. No wonder we find it hard to sacrifice when we have no prospect of getting anything in return.

Sacrificing For Others

Sadly, we are so quick to accept the sacrifices of others for us, but find it hard to sacrifice ourselves for them. For instance, how would you feel if you had a friend that called you up and said, “I’m painting houses now, and I saw yours could use some help. I’ll be happy to come do that for you. And I really think this can be great. Since you’re such a good friend, I know you won’t mind paying me double my usual fee since times are tough for painters right now”? I imagine you’d waste no time explaining to your friend that if you decide you want your house painted, you’ll be looking at competitive pricing. You would be within your rights to do so. However, I bet you would think nothing of calling up the same friend and saying, “I hear you’re painting houses, and mine could sure use some help. But times are tough right now, and since you’re such a good friend, I was wondering if you could cut me a discount.” Do you see how quickly we look for others to sacrifice and how slowly we are to sacrifice ourselves?

We all want the sick to be helped, but who will sacrifice some time to go help them? We all want more money to go to research cures for cancer, but who will sacrifice from their own budget to do so? The fact is all these things take sacrifice. Are you willing to sacrifice something worth giving up to fill the gap?

The Ultimate Sacrifice

Perhaps the greatest example of sacrifice we call to mind today is that of Jesus Christ. Even if you are not a Christian, surely you can at least appreciate the story of His great sacrifice. Yet, the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross might seem a bit extreme for most of us. We feel we could never measure up to that. How about looking at another story of sacrifice in His life? A storyis recorded in John 13. Jesus, who was the master of this small band of disciples, heard His followers arguing about who was the greatest. Instead of blasting them for not honoring Him as the greatest, He laid aside His outer garments, girded Himself with a towel, and then washed the disciples feet. He washed every one of them. He washed Peter’s feet even though Peter argued with Him and was going to deny Him. Even more amazing, He washed Judas’s feet. He washed the very heels that would be lifted up against Him and cause His death.

This is really the ultimate sacrifice for us. Many of us are willing to sacrifice money to some cause. Some are willing to sacrifice time. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself? Are you willing to lower yourself? Are you willing to set aside your reputation? Jesus sacrificed His place as head of this table and lowered Himself to perform the task of slaves for His students. Can you sacrifice yourself in this way? Sadly, some folks have completely missed the point of this example. They have acted as if they can go through some ceremony of washing feet and by doing so they are showing themselves to be like Jesus. Oh no. This isn’t about washing feet. This is about serving. This is about lowering yourself to declare others are more important than you by spending yourself in their service. If you want to show yourself a sacrificing servant, don’t wash their feet, cut their grass, clean their house, wash their car. That kind of selfless service is the ultimate sacrifice. And please note, the disciples didn’t even say, “Thanks.”

Sacrifice and Our Relationship With God

I can’t conclude a look at sacrifice without remembering Paul’s comments about sacrifice in Romans 12:1. “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service” (NKJV). How can we talk about sacrifice without talking about our relationship with God? Sadly, all too often we treat God the same way we do everyone else. We are very quick to accept His sacrifice, but then we do everything we can to weasel our way out of any sacrifice He may ask of us. Whole doctrines have been created to explain how God asks practically nothing of us. It is vogue today to speak of God as the loving benefactor who doesn’t expect anything out of us but just to give Him a great big I-love-you hug. As long as we just praise, worship and give Him the glory, He’ll be happy with us. So we’re often told.

Mohandas Gandhi was right when he listed “worship without sacrifice” as one of the root causes of violence. We all want to talk about what a great God we serve. We wall want to praise Him. We all want to worship Him. How many of us want to sacrifice ourselves to Him? How many want to surrender our wills to Him? We want to talk about how great Jesus’ sacrifice is. Do we want to sacrifice ourselves back?

Sacrifice Something Worth Giving Up

Sacrifice is no mean feat. It is no small goal. However, without it we have no idea the value of anything. We have no idea the value of stuff, we have no idea the value of relationships, we have no idea the value of work, and we have no idea the value of God.

Today, let’s sacrifice something worth giving up.

 

(Come back next Wednesday for a look at Going Somewhere Worth Seeing.)

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street In All Your Relationships

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Last week we talked about keeping our own side of the street clean. I know that sent some people over the edge. “But Edwin, you just don’t know my husband,” or “But Edwin, you just don’t know my wife.” Some folks went ballistic because they simply cannot see past their own victim mentality to ever notice their own wrong. “Oh, sure, I mean I mess up sometimes. I’m only human. But my spouse (kids, parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, whatever) is so awful. Let me tell you the thousand ways my _________ is a jerk. How dare you suggest I should clean up my side of the street.”

And thus, the vicious cycle continues until the relationship is absolutely destroyed. Your marriage ends in divorce. Your parents ostracize you. Your kids abandon you. Your friends avoid you. Your boss fires you. No doubt, you continue to live in the absolute certainty that all of this is everyone else’s fault. It never occurs to you the only common denominator in your failed relationships is you.

Let me ask you, would you like to continue living in the certain miserable knowledge that you are the victim, that everyone else has done wrong, that you are not to blame for your failed relationships OR would you like to have some peace, serenity, and joy in your relationships and have your relationships continue to grow despite even hard times?

I know which one I want.  

Please, allow me to share with you…

4 Steps to Cleaning Up Your Side of the Street

1. Disregard the wrong others have done to you.

“Aaaaaaggggghhhh! What? How can you possibly say this? My spouse (parent, child, etc.) have done me so wrong I can hardly stand it.”

I have no doubt that is the case. We are all human. We live among humans. We have all wronged and been wronged. I’m sure you have been terribly wronged by others. Here is the question. Do two wrongs make a right? Does the fact that others have wronged you mean you now have the right to wrong them back? Are you really going to live your life like a 5-year-old screaming, “He hit me first”?

I have four children; a 12-year-old daughter, a 9-year-old son, a 7-year-old son, and an 18-month-old daughter. Do you know what drives me crazy with these kids the most? The picking at each other. “Dad, Tessa said it was my fault that _________” “Well, Dad, Ethan did _________, so I did __________, and I said ______________.” “Well, yeah, that was because Ryan did ________________.” “Dad, that’s not fair, Ethan and Tessa did ______________________.” Just thinking about it drives me nuts. 

Then it hits me. Why do these kids act like this? Some of it is because they are kids. But then again, some of it is because they see adults acting this way. I hate to admit it, but I have a terrible tendency of figuring out how everything is everyone else’s fault in the world. I hate to say that my kids have actually got to witness me acting the exact same way towards my wife, my brothers, my parents. I have to ask, am I 5 or 35? 

Don’t spend time blaming everyone else, “If they hadn’t done such and such, I wouldn’t have done such and such.” Is your wrong excused because of theirs? Do you ever stop to think that they are telling their friends the same things about you? 

Even if you really can fathom all the way back to the beginning of this rotten relationship cycle and do know the other person started it, are you really convinced the bitterness, resentment, and malice eating on your heart and soul are helping you be a better person or have a better relationship with them? Is that really where you want to spend the rest of your emotional days?

If you really want to break this cycle and start having better relationships, you need to disregard the wrong others have done to you.

1 1/2. Three caveats

First, since many of my readers are Christians, let me make something abundantly clear. This post is not about helping people grow in Christ or overcome sin and go to heaven. I’m talking about us working on us before we start working on others. Clearly, when others have sinned, we cannot simply dismiss it. We are to help others grow. However, please do not justify your personal blame and victim games as if what you are really concerned about is the other person being forgiven and going to heaven.

Second, I’m also not suggesting you be a doormat. I’m not saying if someone really has hurt you don’t ever say anything to them about it. Clearly, for relationships to work well we not only have to clean up our side of the street, but we have to learn how to express our feelings when we’ve really been hurt so we won’t harbor resentments. What I am saying is it is much easier and far more effective to talk to someone who has hurt you when you’ve gone the extra mile to clean up your side of the street in the relationship first.

Third, in some cases folks really have been truly innocent victims. While I believe victims of child abuse, rape, or other extreme crimes can benefit from what I’m sharing here, I am not about to set myself up as some kind of post-trauma specialist who can give you psychological advice. I encourage you to look for professional help to guide you through the emotional landmines of overcoming such treatment. 

2. Make a list of the wrongs you have done.

Do this on two levels. The first level is simply to remind yourself you have done your fair share of wrong in the history of the world. Let’s face it, there was only one perfect person in the history of mankind and you aren’t Him. Count your many sins and be reminded that you really don’t get to play the role of innocent victim in society.

The second level is to do this in context of very specific relationships. Think about your relationship with your parents. Instead of remembering all the bad things they did to you, think about the wrong you did. Make a list of the resentments, disobedience, disrespect, etc. that you did in the relationship. Think about your relationship with your spouse, with your kids, with your friends, etc. List what you did wrong.

Don’t discount things by saying, “Yeah, but I would never have done that if they hadn’t done such and such.” Remember, we are disregarding what they did. If what you did was wrong, the motivation that stemmed from the other person doesn’t matter. You are striving to purge the guilt and shame you feel and the only way to do that is to get to the bottom of what you did.

Of course, that last statement hits at the heart of our problem. You do feel guilt and shame, but you don’t like to. Therefore, your natural reaction is to deflect that guilt and shame. You want to put that on someone else. That is often why you build up your victim status. You may sedate the shame and guilt for a time, but it will always come back. Something inside you knows something is unresolved.

The only way to overcome the guilt and shame is to face it head on. Sit in those feelings and figure out why you’ve got them. You never will as long as you keep deflecting it to others. Yes, sometimes you’ll figure out you feel guilt and shame when you’ve done nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel those things. In many cases, however, you’ll figure out you were not the victim you like to think. you are guilty, and there is room for healthy shame.

Finally, a great big reason to take this step is because having listed these things, you still don’t think anyone else was justified for the wrong they did to you. You want them to judge you based on your intentions. You want them to realize that you have been spiritually, emotionally, or mentally unhealthy and instead of responding in kind, you wanted them to be patient with you and help you overcome. Shouldn’t you offer that same treatment to others. This can help you go back to step one and treat others the way you want to be treated. You can see them as people who are also growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually. They may have messed up royally, but you should offer them the same patience and compassion you have wanted when you messed up royally.

3. Apologize and make amends for your wrongs.

“No way! Apologize? Not on your life! Not until they apologize first!” 

Wait, you’re forgetting something. You’re disregarding what they have done. This is about cleaning up your side of the street. If their side of the street stays junky, that is their problem. You are working to make sure that as much as it depends on you, you are at peace with others. 

Don’t justify your wrongs. Don’t minimize your wrongs. Don’t explain away your wrongs. Apologize for your wrongs. This means explain that what you did was wrong. Explain why it was wrong. Explain how it harmed the relationship. Offer a sincere apology with an explanation that you are working to overcome whatever it was about you that led you to commit the wrong. 

Don’t make promises that you can’t keep like, “I promise, I’ll never, ever do it again.” Instead, let the other person know that you are committed to overcoming the wrong, that you are working on overcoming it, and you don’t plan to do it again. 

Now, here is the key. Cap it all off with a request for forgiveness. This is absolutely important. If they forgive you, it goes a long way to helping you forgive yourself. Granted, keep in mind you are asking for forgiveness. All the theological debates beside, if you are asking for forgiveness, you are asking for something you don’t deserve and they are not obligated to give you. However, if you have made the amends and asked for the forgiveness, you can take comfort you have now done all you can do to be at peace. Even if they refuse forgiveness, you can know you have recognized your wrongs and made amends as best you can.

If they don’t forgive you, don’t think you have done all this in vain. Taking these steps has helped you clear out a lot of your own mental, emotional, and spiritual junk. Even if the other person doesn’t let you have a relationship with them, you know you have cleaned up your side of the street and you can have serenity about it. Especially don’t revert back to old behavior. If you do, you are simply reinforcing to them why they shouldn’t have forgiven you. They were certain it was just a manipulation ploy, now they know they were right.

4. Pursue actions of love.

Now that you have cleaned up your side of the street, keep it clean by pursuing actions of love. I don’t want to say too much here because I am going to delve into this more in next Tuesday’s post. However, pursuing actions of love means doing those things you would do if you actually loved them. This is not holding out until they grant you forgiveness. This is not holding out until they start pursuing actions of love toward you. This means serving them because you love them, not because you are repaying them or because you owe them or because you are manipulating them.  This means bestowing compassion when they continue to harm you. This means being patient when they don’t behave exactly right. This means treating them the way you want to be treated, even when they mess up (as they most certainly will).

By the way, since this is all about cleaning up your side of the street and not about trying to get others to clean up theirs, if they don’t forgive you and they continue to mistreat you, you must continue to pursue the actions of love. Remember that two wrong don’t make a right. Their wrong is between them and God. Your job is to clean up your side of the street so your connection to God can be improved.

Understand, none of this is about getting what you want out of the relationship. None of this is about fixing the other person in the relationship. I do believe if you pursue these four steps the general response will be a great improvement in all your relationships. However, other people are involved. There is no accounting for those who refuse to pursue healthy relationships. When you have followed these four steps you may improve the relationship or you may not. What I guarantee you is as you pursue this course with more and more people in your life, your peace in your relationships will increase. You will grow. You will be a better person in all your relationships. You will face life more positively.

Start today. Pick a relationship and start cleaning up your side of the street. I suggest you start with your spouse.

Something Worth Doing, Part 6: Choose Something Worth Keeping

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.) 

Today, I want to…

Choose Something Worth Keeping.

 

Choose Wisely

One of my favorite movies is “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” Two scenes from that movie really highlight the importance of wise choices. The first is when Jones, Dr. Elsa Schneider, and Walter Donovan were together in the Grail room. The Grail Knight explained they had to choose the right cup from the numerous chalices. It was the final test. “But choose wisely, for while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you.” Schneider and Donovan searched among the cups and found a golden, jewel-encrusted cup—a cup fit for a king. However, when Donovan drank from it, the life was sucked right out from his body. The knight’s response: “He chose poorly.” Jones, however, chose the cup of a carpenter. It wasn’t shiny. It wasn’t gold. It had no jewels. In fact, it didn’t look like anything anyone else would want. However, it was the real cup. It was something worth keeping.

Then there is the moment of truth scene. The Grail Knight had explained the Grail could not leave the cave. Yet, Schneider had tried to take it. An earthquake ensued. Schneider, trying to reach the cup, had a choice. She had fallen into a crack and was only saved because Jones was able to grab her hand. The cup was almost within reach. She could either keep reaching for the cup and fall to certain death, or choose to go back with Jones and have life. She chose the cup and joined Donovan in death. In an amazing turn of events, Jones found himself in the exact same situation. His father holding on to him as he swung above the dark abyss. The cup was at the tip of his fingers. If he just could stretch a few more inches he could get it. He wanted to get the cup for his dad. But the elder Jones simply said, “Junior, let it go.” Indiana Jones chose his father and life over the cup. They road off into the sunset.

Both scenes highlight choices—poor ones and wise ones. We all have choices. Every day we make choices. Today, I want to choose things worth keeping.

Making Choices that Last

The great struggle, however, is that instead of choosing lasting things worth keeping, we usually want tochoose things that provide a moment’s pleasure. How many have destroyed relationships because, in a moment of bitterness, instead of choosing the words that would keep the relationship alive, chose words that allowed them to let off their steam and gave them a momentary payoff of malice and anger? How many have destroyed their health because at meal times they have repeatedly made the choice of momentary pleasures instead of long-term health? (I put that one in as a reminder to me.) How many have destroyed their homes because instead of choosing the hard work it takes to have a close intimate relationship with a spouse, they have chosen the momentary pleasures of a lovers’ tryst?

Sadly, the momentary pleasure is the great enemy of choosing something worth keeping. Don’t get me wrong. Momentary pleasures are not always wrong. However, we need to take care. The shiny, golden, jewel-encrusted, thrilling choices of the moment often defeat the long-term goal of choosing things worth keeping.

I remember my dad trying to teach me this lesson. Perhaps for my birthday I had received some money. Burning a hole in my pocket, it would practically leap out of my hand to purchase some trinket that was shiny and promised big things, but broke quickly. I often remember those times now that I’m trying to teach the same lessons to my children. How easily we revert to childish choices. Ever heard of buyer’s remorse? That doesn’t come because you simply spent too much money. It comes because after you’ve spent the money, you realize it really wasn’t something worth keeping. After all, which would you prefer to keep, that shiny ski boat with its monthly payments that over the next five years will end up being three times what the boat is worth or financial security?

In a moment of rigorous honesty, we need to admit that choosing what is worth keeping is not easy or natural. We are drawn to the momentary. As Adam and Eve gave up a long-term stay in paradise for a few moments of pleasure with some luscious fruit, we are often drawn away from wisdom because something simply appeals to our eyes, our flesh, or our pride.

With your natural tendency stacked against you, how can you make these choices? Let me share four steps to make wise choices and choose things worth keeping.

Four Steps to Choose Something Worth Keeping

 

  1. Figure out what is really important. Is it more important to have the latest gizmos and gadgets or to have some financial security? Is it more important to get to pig out at the Chinese or pizza buffet or to have good health? Is it more important to check Facebook page again or to get your work done this week?
  2. Look at tomorrow. Normally, I encourage focusing on one day at a time. However, in this case, looking to the future is the best course. When you make this choice in front of you, what will happen next? How will you feel about it after you’ve experienced it? How will you feel about this choice tomorrow, next week, next year? If you choose to spend 4 hours watching television this afternoon instead of getting your work done, what will happen? I’ve done that before. I know where it leads for me. I’ll be grumpy when I get home because I didn’t get anything productive done all day. That means I’ll be waspish with my wife and a fight will likely ensue or I’ll be short with my kids and overreact in disciplining them. That will drive a wedge in my family relationships, increase my guilt and shame, and cause even more problems. Tomorrow, I’ll have to get twice as much done, but because the pressure is increased I’ll feel the need for a break even more. Further, come the weekend, I won’t have my work done so family time will be out the window. Can you see the progression here? If I just think the choice through past the moment, I’ll choose more things worth keeping.
  3. Be anchored in reality. Most of our bad choices are made in a fantasy world. For instance, I remember the time Marita and I bought our first car together.  We had been married two or three years and her car was acting up. We convinced ourselves she was in real danger. That car might die in the middle of the road and she would probably get plowed by an 18-wheeler. Or she might get stranded on the side of the road (this was before we had cell phones) and get kidnapped by some crazed maniac. It was really a matter of life and death to buy her a better vehicle. Not to mention, even though we didn’t owe any money on it we were making repeated repairs. Those repairs were going to put us in the poor house. Getting a new car was the only option for our financial peace. We were sure of it. Not to mention, we had always wanted a Camry. That Corolla just didn’t say enough about us. I called her up one night and said, “Let’s go down to the car dealer, we absolutely won’t buy anything tonight. We’re just looking.” About four hours later we were pulling into some friends’ driveway to show them the new car we had. Of course, it wasn’t actually new; we couldn’t afford those payments. We ended up with a used car that quickly need monthly repairs, but still had a monthly payment. Hmmm, reality check. I wish I could say that was the last of our awful mistakes with money. However, I think I can say that every financial mistake I’ve ever made came right down to this point. I was living in a fantasyland. I worked up some kind of scenario in my head in which I was absolutely sure I was making an amazing choice. What I needed was a reality check.
  4. Get the reality check by checking with someone who is living in reality. Swallow your pride and ask someone about the choice you are making. Is making the move, taking that new job, buying that new car, seeing that new special someone, or whatever the choice may be really as awesome as you’ve made it out to be? Or have you created a fantasy world in your mind? Folks who don’t live in your mind will be able to tell. The fact is, once your living in the fantasy world any stranger off the street could probably give you better advice than you’ll give yourself. Do you really think spending several hundred dollars on an electronic planner or a phone that syncs to Outlook is really going to fix all your discipline problems? If you talk to someone who lives in the real world before making that choice, you’ll much more likely choose to do something with that money that is worth keeping. Sometimes, I’ve learned that just having to spell the case out to others in a logical way so they can give some feedback causes me to see through my own fantasies. I’ve often figured out the better way by the time I finish asking the question and don’t even need to hear their answer at that point.

 

Choices are everywhere. Don’t worry, every single choice we make is not earth-shattering or life-altering. However, you do need to choose wisely. Like the true Grail, choosing things worth keeping will give us life.

(Come back next Wednesday to learn about Sacrificing Something Worth Giving Up.)