God's Way Works

For a better life and a better eternity

Edwin Crozier

On Bibs and Aprons OR Serving and Being Served

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I got to hear my good friend Max Dawson preach two lessons on leadership yesterday. He reminded me of things I’d read before. He reminded me of things we had talked about before. He increased my understanding of leadership. He asked a question as he closed his lessons that I want to pass on to you.

When you woke up and got dressed this morning, what did you put on? No, I’m not talking about your actual clothes. I don’t care if you’re wearing jeans, shorts, or a suit; a dress, a skirt, or a pantsuit. I’m wanting to know if you put on a bib or an apron.

You see many of us wake up every morning and the first thing we put on is our bib. We want to make sure we stay clean as every one else serves us and provides for us. However, others get up and put on an apron. They are getting ready to get to work and be servants.

Today in my Bible reading over at Give Attention to Reading, I read Luke 22:26 in which Jesus said, “let the greatest among you become as the youngest, and the leader as one who serves.” 

Jesus came to serve and not be served. We need to follow in His footsteps. Growing in Christ doesn’t mean becoming more and more of a boss who gets to tell everyone else what to do. Growing in Christ means becoming more and more of a servant.

So, if you haven’t already done so, get out your apron. Put it on and get to serving.

Something Worth Doing, Part 12: Buy Something Worth Treasuring

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I Want to…

Buy Something Worth Treasuring.

People want your money. That’s why advertising and marketing is a hundreds of billions of dollars business each year. We see ads online, on billboards, on t-shirts, on pens, in junk mail, with e-mail, on the radio, on television, at the movies, and on the list goes. Even the most conservative figures about the number of marketing messages we receive daily are pretty astounding. At an average rate of 245 marketing messages per day, that’s just over 1 every 4 minutes throughout a 16-hour day. Think about that. Every four minutes you are getting some message that says, “Spend your money here.” In fact, just to be painfully honest, just by scrolling down this page and reading this post, you’re getting 16 marketing messages.

The marketers want us to know that their products are the best. They spin. They light up. They flash. They save money. They make you look better than your neighbor. They make you look sexy. They cause beautiful men and women to be attracted to you. They are neat. They will balance your checkbook. They will make you lose weight. They will cause you to be the talk of all the neighbors. Spend your money on the latest whatever and all your wildest dreams will come true. (In fact, click on that book to the right and make a purchase. It will make you a better Christian. Oh wait, that makes it 17 marketing messages.)

But do we want to spend our money on just anything? Or do we long for something more fulfilling, something we can treasure, value, and hold on to indefinitely.

Obviously, you are going to spend money. Obviously you are going to spend money on some things that have no lasting sentiment or value. You have to purchase your needs. Food, clothing, personal items all have to be on your purchase list. You have to get from one place to another in our culture. Therefore, transportation is going to be on the list somewhere. Surely, getting some fun items should be on the list as well. In my opinion, every one should have an iPhone. (Does that count as a marketing message?) I’m sure you’re going to want some status symbol items. A BMW is nice or a Lexus.

However, think about every one of those things just mentioned. Do any of them have true lasting value? Clothes wear out. Food passes. Cars break down and rust. IPhones become obsolete. Status symbols lose their status. Fashions change. I’m not saying don’t buy them. I’ve bought them, well, except for the BMW or Lexus. I’m just saying if we think we’ll find something meaningful here, we are mistaken.

So many times we are absolutely certain if we were just able to buy that one particular item, everything would be okay. If we could get the house in that certain neighborhood, the flooring that would make the house just right, the widescreen, flat-panel television that would allow us to entertain our friends, the designer clothes that would let us fit in, then we would be okay. Then we would be happy. We finally save up and get it (or worse we drop it on a credit card and regret the purchase every month for years). However, after a few days, weeks, months it just no longer does the trick.

Somewhere in the midst of the spending frenzy, if we want to get fulfillment out of our money, we need to buy something worth treasuring. We need to buy things that will have a lasting value attached to them. We need to buy things that really can provide some kind of fulfillment, something we can hang on to as important.

The Most Important Treasures

Sadly, so few of us really know what to purchase like that. Too often we are stuck thinking about intrinsic material value. So we start looking to purchase an heirloom as if we can manufacture the emotion of sentiment by purchasing something expensive. It just doesn’t work like that. You might buy the most expensive diamond ring. Its cost won’t suddenly make it something to treasure.

So, how do we buy something worth treasuring?

I can’t help but think of what my wife is going through right now as I write this post. Her dad died a year and a half ago and passed on a little money to his children. Marita has been very clear. She doesn’t want this money to just enter our general fund and be frittered away paying off debt, eating out, and just buying stuff. As she has been thinking what to do with the money, she has taught me about where the true treasures are. Memories. That’s right, memories.

While I insensitively tell her this is the perfect time to purchase that new iMac or widescreen television I’ve always wanted, she wants to purchase something that will cause her to remember her dad. She doesn’t want something that will break down in a few years and be tossed in the trash. She wants something that will call to mind everything her dad means to her. I think she is on the right track.

The fact is my desire for the iMac or the TV is really the exact same problem my son had a few days ago when he had two dollars burning a hole in his pocket. We went into a gas station and he wanted everything he saw that was less than two dollars. He saw this little lollipop whistle with a goofy game at the top of it where you flip a lever and try to put a little ball through the basket. He thought it was the neatest thing. After all, it is a lollipop, a whistle, and a game all at once. That’s like buying three things with just two dollars. What could top that? I tried to explain to him, “Ryan, it’s junk. It’ll be broken before the day is over. It’s a waste.” The TV I long for is bigger and will last longer, but is my desire for it much different? Sure, it seems exciting. I think it is entertaining. It will provide some form of pleasure for a time. But in the end, both it and the lollipop game will break and end up in the same landfill. That is their destiny. There is no treasure there.

But a memory…what a treasure. A memory can be brought out again and again. It can be relived in the heart and the soul. Buying a brand spanking new BMW may make you look good. But give it a few years and its paint will fade, its status will diminish, its leather smell will dissipate. However, buy a rusted out old car that you restore with your kids? That is a treasure. Even after the car falls apart again or you sell it, the memory of your time working together still lives on. The conversations, the successes, the accidents, the feeling of accomplishment and a job well done are invaluable. I’m not saying you should never buy the BMW. I’m just pointing out that is not really a treasure.

Memories for Sale

Buy a trip. One of Marita’s fondest memories of her dad is the family trip to Disney World. I still remember the trip I took with my parents on which we went to Carlsbad Caverns, the Painted Desert, the Petrified Forest, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, and Mt. Rushmore. I tell stories about leaving Abilene, Texas when it was over 100 degrees and getting to Yellowstone while it was snowing. We had to go into town, buy new clothes and sleeping bags just to make it in our tent. I love to laugh and tell the story about how Mom and I bundled up in layers of sweats to go to sleep even though Dad tried to convince me a real man sleeps in just his shorts no matter what. What a laugh I had the next morning when Mom told me our real man got up shortly after I went to sleep and put on some clothes. That was 25 years ago, a year before my mom died. I don’t know how much that trip cost my parents, but it is certainly a treasure for me.

Buy souvenirs. Souvenirs are great ways to store up memories. I have a shelf of mugs that were purchased on the trip I just mentioned and on others. Every time I look at that shelf, I remember those times together. After he retired from the Air Force, my dad ended up running his own heating and air business. His main supplier was Lennox. Some of my most prized possessions are the Lennox drinking glasses and mugs that we now have and the “toy” piggy banks modeled after vintage Lennox trucks. As far as piggy banks and drinking glasses go, there’s nothing special about them. But every time I see them I think of my dad. I think of putting on coveralls and crawling under a house or into an attic with him. I think of his work ethic. I think of his generosity. By the way, he died in 2000. You better believe I treasure the memories.

Buy a camera. Capture the memories. Digital cameras make everything so nice. Just take pictures and load them on to memory cards and sticks. Print them out and make scrapbooks. Label them to give reminders of exactly when and where you were. Every day I see pictures of my children when they were infants. I don’t ever want to lose those memories. I love to look at pictures with my kids on our trips. I love to see pictures of my family (well, most of them). One of the most treasured gifts I have is a small scrapbook my wife gave me for Father’s Day one year. On several pages she pasted pictures of my dad and me and then a similar picture of one of my children and me. Every once in a while I just get the book out because I need a good cry, a good laugh, a good memory.

Buy a video camera and use it. I’m not saying subject all your friends and neighbors to your memories. But they are your memories. Record them. Play them back. I treasure the video my granddad has of me as a toddler swimming with my mom. Granted, the one he has of my younger brother as an infant while I can be heard in the background singing some crazy made up song in the bathroom is not so good. But Marita treasures that one.

Buy things that remind you of the people in your life. Of course, sometimes these can be handed down to you for free. However, there may be something a friend of yours owned and you found a match for it. Buy it and let it remind you of your friend and loved one. I lived in England as a child and my parents collected Boson heads and plates. Even though Marita thinks the plates are hideous, she lets me keep one in our bedroom because of the treasure it is to me.

Buy games. Talk about memories in the making. I don’t know how many times my kids say, “Hey Dad, do you remember when we played such and such and this or that happened?” Like when Ethan likes to say, “Hey Dad, do you remember that time we played chess and I beat you in four moves?” This usually starts an avalanche of laughter and memories for the whole family. Some of our fondest memories with family and friends involve games. All I have to do around Marita and her siblings is mention Greg Louganis and “The Fish” and we are on a roll of game memories because of a great night of “Beyond Balderdash.” If you ever meet Marita’s brother, Seth, you’ll have to ask him about it. I have a picture of a completed game of “Go” on my phone in which I totally trounced Ethan after he had talked so much smack that he needed a lesson. I bring that up for a good chuckle with the kids now and then. Or then there is the time when Marita’s cousin told our friend he thought she was the worst “Farkel” player ever and she came from behind and stomped us all. (By the way, in the interest of honest disclosure, those links are affiliate links. Can you blame a guy for trying to make a little extra cash in this economy?)

It’s the Value, not the Cost

You don’t have to be rich to buy things of value. All you need is memories. Sure, some experiences may cost a bit. You won’t pull off the Disney trip cheaply. But many experiences don’t cost much. I think of the poem “Salutation” by Ezra Pound in which he mocks the rich for their pretentions and stuffiness, while highlighting the experiences the poor can enjoy.

O generation of the thoroughly smug
and thoroughly uncomfortable,
I have seen fishermen picnicking in the sun,
I have seen them with untidy families,
I have seen their smiles full of teeth
and heard ungainly laughter.
And I am happier than you are,
And they were happier than I am;
And the fish swim in the lake
and do not even own clothing.

The issue is not the cost. The issue is the value. Don’t waste your life trying to buy something that costs a lot. Make sure you buy something worth treasuring. Make sure you buy some memories.

(Come back next Wednesday as we discuss Crying Tears Worth Shedding.)

4 Keys to Lay a Foundation So Your Kids Will Know What to Do When They Mess Up

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Last Tuesday, we learned there was only one Jesus and our kids aren’t Him. Every single one of our kids is going to grow up to sin, just like us. We won’t stop that. We need to quit making the attempt because it only puts undue pressure on us and our kids. Don’t read that to say we should quit trying to influence our kids for good. I’m simply saying we should quit trying to train our kids to be perfect and instead lay a foundation with them to know what to do when they are not.

I’d like to share 8 keys I believe will help you lay that foundation. By the way, these aren’t the 8 things we do in our home and wish you would do. These are things I’m trying to work on so I can be better in my home. I hope they help you. I’ll give the first four today and next Tuesday we’ll finish up with the others.

1. Be emotionally, spiritually, mentally healthy yourself.

If you’ve got emotional, mental, or spiritual imbalance, you’ll pass that on to your kids. If I’m compulsive about what others think, I’m going to inappropriately discipline my children when I think they make others look down on me. If I’ve filled with pride, I’m going to incorrectly discipline my children when they make me look bad. If I have codependency issues, I won’t discipline my kids properly when they need, fearing that they’ll abandon me. Of course, then when they push me over the edge, I’ll go over the top and they might just abandon me.

Before I even try to discipline my children, I need to be working on cleaning up my side of the street, working on my issues.

2. Don’t discipline your children out of embarrassment.

I’ve heard people say repeatedly you should never discipline your children when you’re angry. I’m not sure I agree. I think when children rebel, it should cause a healthy anger. I don’t think you have to wait until you are no longer angry to provide an appropriate discipline. I think it is possible if you have a healthy anger to still discipline them appropriately. Surely, if your anger has you out of control, wait until you can see clearly to administer discipline.

However, you should never discipline because you are embarrassed. We need to remember that discipline is intended to help our children grow to maturity. It is not a chance for us to vent our embarrassment. Like that time when Ryan was 4 or 5 and saw a man who had some deformity. He said, loudly, “Mom, that man has a hole in his head.” An embarrassed parent might yank the child up from by his arm, take him to the car, and whip him and he never even know what he’s being disciplined for. Granted, in that situation we all know he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just curious and curiosity is not wrong.

Even when the child does do something wrong, more often than not overboard discipline comes from embarrassment. After all, we want everyone to think we are the best parents ever. They’ll only think that if our kids never, ever do anything wrong. Therefore, our discipline is often from a point of embarrassment and not from a point of helping them learn and grow. Junior says a cuss word and we are suddenly worried the whole world thinks we are rotten parents. We give them a spanking that they’ll never forget. Or perhaps little 8-year-old Suzy wet her pants in front of some other parents. Or maybe little Bobby back talks a teacher.

Before you discipline ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I’m embarrassed? Or am I doing this because this is what will help my child grow?”

3. Share your own mistakes with your children.

We are so afraid to let our kids know we were anything less than perfect. We fear if we let them know all the wrong things we did it will be giving them tacit permission to do them too. That really isn’t the case. Oh, I’m sure some children will pull that defensive maneuver when they are trying to get out of some discipline. However, the benefits far outweigh that little difficulty.

The benefits are when your children know you weren’t perfect, they are much more likely to talk to you when they’ve messed up. If they think you were perfect, they’ll think you can’t possibly understand why they made a mistake. They won’t come to you for help. They won’t come to you for forgiveness. Instead, they’ll turn to others. They’ll turn to peers. Be assured, they are not likely to get great advice for overcoming mistakes from their peers.

Not to mention, when your children think you are perfect, that just increased their toxic shame all the more. When they know you messed up, they’ll be able to see that mistakes are normal and can be overcome. They can grow up to be a decent person even though they committed some sin. They can go to heaven even though they screwed up royally.

I don’t know how many times I’ve spent 10 or 15 minutes letting my kids have it for something they did or didn’t do or some way they have acted only to remember at the close of it that I did the exact same thing as a child. I don’t know how many lectures I’ve given my son about being lazy. When I’m done, I remember, “Oh yeah, I got those same lectures. They didn’t help me very much. Wonder why I think they’ll help him.” The whole thing would probably be better if I let him know I understand how he feels, share with him the consequences, and then work with him to come up with an action plan to overcome.

4. Say you’re sorry and seek forgiveness when you’ve wronged your kids.

Tied in with sharing your mistakes with your kids is telling your children you’re sorry when your mistake was against them. Ask them to forgive you. Yes, you heard me. When you’ve wronged your children you need to ask their forgiveness.

Why? First, because you need their forgiveness. Second, because a rift has come in the relationship and they need to go through the process of forgiving you so that rift can heal. Third, because your children need to see you set the example about how to act when you’ve made a mistake or committed a sin. When they see this example, they learn that they can come to you in just the same way, saying they are sorry, and seeking forgiveness. Further, they’ll learn they can do that with God.

Here’s the heart of the matter, you think you can hide your wrong from your children, but you can’t. Your children will see you at your worst and they are smart enough to know when you’ve done wrong. If you carry on a pretense like you haven’t done wrong, they’ll only see hypocrisy. The usual response is not for kids to grow up and decide not to be hypocrites by always sharing their wrongs and overcoming them. No, usually their response is not to be a hypocrite by just not caring about what is right or wrong.

The best way to overcome this is to display what being a growing person is really all about. It is not about being perfect. It is about recognizing and repenting of our sins.

If you work on these four keys, you are well on your way to laying a foundation to prepare your children for how to deal with their own mistakes and sins. Trust me, that will be way better than leaving them shamed and broken because they realize they aren’t perfect.

Make sure you come back next week for four more keys to preparing your children to deal with their mistakes and sins.

Believing in the God of the Psalmists, Part 10: God is Love

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(If you are stumbling across this for the first time, you may want to start at the beginning of the series and work your way through the links at the end of each post.  Or check out the index for this entire series of posts. We’ve learned so much about the psalmists and their relationship with God. I hope today’s is no exception.)

God is Love

A popular modern approach to God as revealed in the Bible is to change God between the testaments. Folks look at the God of the Old Testament as a harsh, legalistic, sometimes mean, sometimes brutal, judging God. Then they come to the New Testament and say all that has changed. Now, God is a God of love. He doesn’t judge, He is never harsh. He just wants us to know how much He loves us.

However, that doesn’t mesh with the Psalmists view of God at all. Despite the brutal judgment God sometimes administered, the Psalmists were completely sure that God was a God of love. The psalmists mention God’s love 123 times. Consider just a few of the statements.

  • God’s steadfast love is precious (Psalm 36:7).
  • We enter His house through His steadfast love (Psalm 5:7).
  • He delivers us for the sake of His steadfast love (Psalm 6:4).
  • He is merciful and forgets our sins because of His steadfast love (Psalm 25:6-7).
  • His steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts Him (Psalm 32:10).
  • His steadfast love endures all day (Psalm 52:1).
  • God answers our pleas because of His steadfast love (Psalm 69:16).
  • His steadfast love holds us up when we think we’ll slip (Psalm 94:18).
  • His steadfast love endures forever (Psalm 100:5).

This story of God’s love crescendoes in Psalm 136. Here the Psalmist repeats “For his steadfast love endures forever” 26 times. In fact, this was most certainly a liturgical psalm used in public assemblies and worship for the Jews. The priest or officiate would say the first line of each couplet and the congregation would shout the refrain–“For his steadfast love endures forever.” What an amazing experience that must have been, hearing the entire congregation praise God for his love as the stories of God’s love were repeated to them.

No doubt, the psalmists were sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes hurt, sometimes angry, sometimes lonely, sometimes joyful, sometimes bitter. But they always knew God loved them.

How can we not pray to a God whose steadfast love for us endures forever, no matter who we are, where we come from, or what we’ve done?

Whatever you do today, don’t forget–God Loves You!

(I think we’re going to take a little break from this study of the Psalms. But keep your eyes open, in a few weeks we’ll get back to them and start learning to look at ourselves the way the Psalmists did.)

Something Worth Doing, Part 11: Hug Someone Worth Holding

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(If you need to know what this is all about, start with the first post in the series and click through the succeeding links. Also, as posts are added links will be placed in that first post to each one.)

Today, I want to…

Hug Someone Worth Holding

What’s A Hug?

“Hugging is natural, organic, naturally sweet, free of pesticides, and preservatives. Hugging contains no artificial ingredients. It’s 100% wholesome. No calories, no caffeine, no nicotine.

“Hugging is nearly perfect. There are no removable parts, batteries to wear out, no periodic checkups. It consumes little energy, while yielding a lot. It’s inflation-proof. It’s nonfattening. There are no monthly payments. No insurance requirements. It’s theft-proof, nontaxable, nonpolluting, and fully refundable. And it costs very little.

“Hugging is healthy. It assists the body’s immune system, it cures depression, it reduces stress, it induces sleep, it invigorates, it rejuvenates, and it has no unpleasant side effects.

“Hugging is no less than a miracle drug” (borrowed from poofcat.com).

No wonder we want to hug someone worth holding today. What could be better? The problem is we’re just not used to it. In our American culture, we shake hands, making sure to keep everyone at arms length. Even in cultures that greet with hugs and kisses, they can become perfunctory and pointless. But, sincere, safe, wanted hugs are some of God’s best medicine for us.

Hugs are Good For You

Search the internet for benefits to hugging. You’ll find out hugs can decrease your heart rate. They can lower your blood pressure. Hugs can increase oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Hugs have been connected to better heart health. Hugs increase endorphin levels—the feel good hormones that give us a sense of happiness and well-being, plus they relieve pain. Hugs decrease levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

A hug can say, “I love you.” A hug can say, “I accept you.” A hug can say, “You’re wanted.” A hug can say,“You’re special.” A hug says, “We’re together.” A hug says, “We’re friends.” A hug provides a connection that nothing else does.

No doubt, different hugs say different things. There is the romantic hug for your husband or wife that lingers and caresses. There is the paternal hug for your children that turns into holding them on your lap. There is the cross-gender, I need to be appropriate, one arm around the shoulder hug. There is the quick hug that says, “We’re friends, but nothing more.” There is the “I haven’t seen you in forever” hug. There is the “I’m here for you” hug that hangs on until the one in need lets go. There’s the “weep with those who weep” hug that also provides a shoulder to cry on.

Hugs are important, life-saving even. Virginia Satir, American author and psychotherapist said, “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” Look at a marriage that is falling apart and I guarantee you, you won’t see many hugs—if any. 12 hugs a day may not save a marriage on the rocks, but 0 hugs a day can sure toss it off the cliff. Look at isolated, rebellious kids and I doubt you’ll find hugging parents. (I know there are exceptions to every rule and someone will no doubt bring up the question of “which came first?”, but the fact remains, you won’t see much hugging there.) Find a prostitute, and I’m betting you find a girl who didn’t get many safe, loving hugs from her father. She’s still searching for that connection.

Why Do So Many Avoid Hugging?

But for all this, we often push away from hugs. Why?

Certainly, some have been hugged inappropriately and so physical touch scares us. Some have learned from traumatic childhood experiences that hugs are a violation and so they set up walls of protection against that happening again. My heart breaks for those of you in this situation. I pray that you can find people who can embrace you in arms of safety and help you grow in positive relationships.

For most, the trauma is not that extreme. However, a hug is still dangerous. I once heard the hug and kiss of European and Eastern greetings came about as a means of showing vulnerability. To hug someone was to come close enough as to be defenseless. If they wielded a knife, they could kill you. (I’m told the American handshake accomplished the same thing as you thrust forward your empty gun hand in a gesture of trust.) I doubt many of us are afraid of knife wielding huggers, but the hug does represent vulnerability. We are opening ourselves up to others to touch us, hold us, feel us, meet us. They can see and feel our blemishes. They can tell if we are trembling. They can feel our heart beat. Do we really want to let someone get that close? Many of us say, “No.” And we lose the great benefits of that kind of trust.

Perhaps the number one reason we fear the hug is the potential for rejection. We see a friend, hold our arms outstretched to show vulnerability, connection, trust and they give us a high five or grab the hand for a shake. Or worse, they stand there looking at us like we have our clothes on backward or have a booger hanging out of our nose. Rejection. A hug may be great, but a rejection’s negative affects seem much worse. So, we abstain from the benefits of a hug in order to avoid the pain of rejection.

Perhaps you can reshape what is happening in that moment of seeming rejection. I’m sure there are some stuck up, self-centered, pharisaical people who reject you as a person and therefore don’t want you touching them in a hug. Do you really care what that kind of person thinks of you? However, those folks are few and far between. The folks who avoid the hugs usually aren’t rejecting you. Rather, they are expressing their own struggles. Respect their need for space because an unwanted, unsafe hug doesn’t provide great benefits. Instead of pouting in your own rejection, pray for whatever causes them to turn from the hug.

Get your daily quota

Everyone needs a hug. Make sure you get permission first. Make sure your being appropriate (guys, I hope you know I’m talking to you, this isn’t your free ticket to cop a feel). Get out there and give hugs. That’s right, give hugs. I didn’t say get hugs because a true hug is about giving to others, not taking from them. So go give your quota of hugs.

They’re free. They’re fun. They’re healthy. They’re easy. Why not find someone and give them a hug right now.

I think I will.

 

(Come back next Wednesday when we discuss “Buying Something Worth Treasuring.”)

There Was Only One Jesus, And He’s Not One Of Our Kids

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When last I checked, there was only one child ever born of a virgin. When last I checked, there was only one child that received the angelic announcement that he would be the Son of the Most High. When last I checked, only one mother and father got to look at their child and say, “That’s my boy, he’s perfect.” When last I checked, there was only one Jesus and He wasn’t one of my children and He’s not one of yours.

This provides me with a sad realization. No matter how hard I try, no matter how good I parent, no matter what choices I make, my children are going to end up being sinners just like me. I hate to break it to you, your kids are going to end up being sinners just like you.

Since before I was married (14 years and 3 months ago), I’ve witnessed and been involved in discussions with people about parenting. Sadly, these discussions almost always end up in fights. I’ve seen this increase since my kids arrived on the scene (12 years and 1 month ago). In fact, the longer I witness these conversations, the more amazed I become at how silly parents can be in their arguments. We’ll argue over natural childbirth versus hospital birth with pain meds. We’ll argue over nursing versus bottle-feeding. We’ll argue over cloth versus disposable diapers. We’ll argue over co-sleeping versus crib sleeping. We’ll argue over home-schooling versus public-schooling. We’ll argue over memory verses versus no memory verses (did you keep that one straight?) We’ll argue over slings vs. strollers. We argue over these things tooth and toenail as if our very souls depended on these things even though scripture never once tells us which of these things is the right way to parent.

WHY?!!! Why is there all of this parental arguing?

I think I’ve finally figured it out. We are all in a big competition. We all believe what we are doing is right. Therefore, if someone else made a different choice, they are wrong. But even worse than that, we assume they feel the same way. They must think they are right and we are wrong. We can’t have that now can we? Oh no, we have to prove to them that they are wrong and if they want to be right they have to be like us. We won’t be satisfied until they come groveling to us, admitting our superiority as parents. So we add argument on top of argument. We twist scriptures. We find a biblical principle and then coat it with our human reasoning and act like our reasoning is as good as God’s command. 

Through it all we are hanging on to see how our kids turn out so we can prove our way was best. Sadly, while on the outside we offer condolences when some other child really screws up, on the inside we rejoice with sadistic glee saying over and over again, “I told you so, I told you so.” How sad.

What I have discovered is good parents raise bad kids sometimes and bad parents raise good kids sometimes. But no parents raise perfect kids anytime. 

Here’s the deal. I don’t care if you nurse or bottle feed, cloth or disposably diaper, sling or stroller, co-sleep or crib sleep, homeschool or publicly school your kids, they are all going to sin. There’s only one Jesus and He’s not any of our kids. So, please, quit trying to act like you are perfectly parenting your children so they will grow up to be perfect. Quit trying to act like if my children are going to be okay when they grow up, I have to make all the same choices you do. I don’t mind discussions that weigh pros and cons, but please, cut out the demanding that yours is the only way to raise healthy kids.

Please, don’t misunderstand. I realize we parents are a huge influence in our children’s lives. I realize we need to provide a great example for them so they might have their heads screwed on straight when they grow up. I’m not saying we take an approach that says our kids are going to sin anyway so just let them and even provide them the paraphernalia. All I’m saying is please, humble yourself a bit to recognize that your children won’t be perfect. There is no way you will raise them up to be the sinless child you want them to be. With that realization in mind, cut the parents around you who think differently about some things a little slack. Maybe, just maybe, their kids will end up being sinners just like yours.

Finally, with this in mind. Cut yourself some slack. You aren’t going to be the perfect parent. Neither am I. Your soul’s salvation doesn’t depend on raising the perfect kids. Release some of that pressure, quit worrying about what everyone else will think about you when your kids mess up. Quit training your kids in ways that say they have to be perfect. Quit biting their heads off when they aren’t. Instead, lay the groundwork that tells them what to do when they aren’t perfect. But that gets into another post.

Go home, do your best. Let other parents do their best without all your busybodying. Rejoice with those who rejoice in their parenting and weep with those who weep. Pray for every parent you know, not that they’ll be just like you, but that they’ll be what God wants them to be.