God's Way Works

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Edwin Crozier

13 Things to Teach Your Children to Protect Them from Sexual Predators

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Yesterday, you got to hear my initial thoughts about Jody Lusk’s sins from a preacher’s perspective and from a fellow sinner’s perspective. Today, in my Springboard for Your Family, let me share my thoughts from a father’s perspective.

I just can’t help but notice that Jody was my age and that the victim was my daughter’s age. Okay, he’s a year younger than me, and she was a year older than my daughter. But it is just too close for comfort. We just couldn’t get that out of our heads. On Sunday, Marita and I sat down with our little girl (whose not so little anymore) and had a good long talk with her. It grossed her out and she can’t imagine anything like that happening, but at least she now knows she can talk to us if she needs to.

Here is the problem. Most of the time, we try to protect our kids from this sort of attack by screening their friends. We have to know their friends’ parents. We have to meet their teachers. We want to be sure who they are with all the time. But let’s face it, who thinks they need to screen their preacher? And while I’m all for screening friends and friends’ families, I’m pretty convinced that is not going to protect our children as much as we would like. We just aren’t as good at judging character as we might like to think.

The best defense is a good offense. That is, prepare your children for the potential possibility. Here are some keys you need to pass on to your children.

 

  1. Of utmost importance, talk to them about sex. Let them get comfortable talking to you about it. You want to be the one they come to when they have questions.
  2. Teach your children that it is natural to be curious about sexual things. There is nothing wrong with them being curious. Let them know you will answer any questions you can at age appropriate levels as they grow up. Tell them, however, that the appropriate place for really pursuing this curiosity is in marriage. Let them know what a joy it is and what a blessing it is to be able to reserve that curiosity for marriage. If you didn’t do that yourself, let your children know what damage was caused by your own inappropriately pursued curiosity.
  3. Let them know appropriate touching boundaries. A great boundary I learned and have passed on is touching in soft places is out of bounds, while touching in hard places (like shoulders, top of the head) is probably okay.
  4. Let them know that they are allowed to make a boundary about anything that makes them uncomfortable. They are allowed to tell people when they have made the child uncomfortable. And they are allowed to let you know if anyone has made them feel uncomfortable.
  5. Let them know that if an adult exposes his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. If an adult asks the child to expose his or her private parts, that is not appropriate. Also let them know that it is not appropriate for anyone to show them, text them, or e-mail them pictures or videos in which adults or children are exposing their private parts. (Yes, you probably need to state the exception of doctors, but a parent needs to be present when the doctor is examining the child.)
  6. Let them know that certain kinds of touching are just plain inappropriate and no matter what an adult says to coax them into it, they need to simply scream and run.
  7. Let them know that if a stranger tries to grab them, no matter what the stranger says, they need to scream as loud as they can and run if they can. Even if the stranger says he will hurt them unless they stay quiet. We have explained to our children that if a stranger is taking them, he is going to hurt them anyway. Their chances of being safe are much better if they scream there in public than after they get put in a car or taken to a house. As a side note, you might even give them some advice about how to get away. For instance, if shoved into a car, the child doesn’t have to stay there, they can immediately crawl through to other side and get out there.
  8. Let them know that an adult should be asking other adults for help, not kids. Adults don’t need the help of children to find their missing dog or to get directions to some street or address. If an adult asks for help, teach the child to back away and say, “I’ll get my parents. They’ll help you.”
  9. Since you’ve talked to them about sex, remind them that it will be a wonderful thing for them when they get married, but it is not appropriate for anyone, especially an adult, to talk to them about or perform with them. Even explain to them some of the ways an adult might try to convince them to do something sexual. On Sunday, I told Tessa about a friend of mine in high school who was 16 or perhaps 17. A twenty-something co-worker pulled an awfully manipulative ploy with her. He knew she was afraid that if she was a virgin when she married, she might not know how to have sex. He offered to teach her. Notice, he didn’t offer to marry her. We explained to Tessa that she didn’t need to have fears about knowing how when she got married. Part of the joy of marriage is learning how with her husband. That was the part of the discussion that really grossed her out. To be honest, I was glad it did.
  10. Let your children know that love doesn’t equal sex. Explain that if an adult really loved them, they would be protecting the child’s sexuality not exploring it or exploiting it. If an adult tells them this is what people who love each other do, let your child know that adult is lying. Let your children know that sex is not what everyone does who loves them. Even use yourselves as examples. That is, let the child know, “Do I love you? Do you love me? But it is inappropriate for us to do sexual things. That is just for mommy and daddy.” 
  11. Let your children know that it doesn’t matter who it is that does any of these things, older sibling, cousin, aunt, uncle, father, mother, preacher, teacher, older neighborhood kid, friend, friend’s family member, they can tell you about it and you will still love them. We, that is Marita and I, even tell our children while in each other’s presence that if the offender is one of us, they have our permission to talk to the other parent or even tell some other adult who has authority in their lives like the police or one of the elders in our church.
  12. Let your children know how serious it is to lie about these issues, but that you will trust them if they tell you anything about what someone has done to them. Then do that.
  13. Let your children know that if someone else has violated any of these boundaries or does violate any of these boundaries, it is not their fault. You will not hold it against them. They have done nothing wrong. They can tell you and all you will do is love them and help them deal with whatever has happened.

 

When you have this discussion, ask your children if anyone has ever done any of these things. Make it safe for them to be honest. If they need to, let them cry, let them rage, let them vent. If they tell you about something, please, do not think you have to handle this alone. Share your need with your elders in the church and get some professional help from a counselor with a Christian background. 

Following these steps does not mean your children will never be violated. However, it is a great defense to inoculate them and prepare them. And it is of utmost importance that you let them get comfortable talking with you about all aspects of sexuality. As I said, you want them to come to you when they have questions. 

Finally, if something like this has happened to your children or ever does, please don’t blame yourself. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I know that kids with poor home lives are far more susceptible to this kind of attack. Certainly, if you’ve been sinning in raising your kids in any way, you need to repent. However, let’s be honest, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. But our mistakes do not justify the sins of a sexual predator. The fault for sexual attack lies with the predator, not with the victim or the victims parents.

By the way, if you need help talking to your kids about sex, check out this associate link for a great book that will give you guidance on what to say to your children at all ages.

 

P.S. If you are the perpetrator of any of these sins and crimes, I know this is not something that you want to do in your moments of sanity. I know you are filled with guilt and shame. I am certain you want to stop. Let me encourage you right now to do something about it. Don’t think you are now strong enough to never do it again. Get help immediately. Turn yourself in for treatment. Report yourself to the authorities. Find a counselor. Do something. I know you will likely lose your job. I know your friends and family may ostracize you if you admit to it. I know you may even have to spend time in jail. But that is far better than hurting another child again. And in your heart of hearts you know that is true as well.

My Initial Thoughts About Jody Lusk’s Sins

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I’m sorry today’s post is so late. I try to get Monday’s post done over the weekend so it can be ready to magically appear at 8 am Monday morning. However, this weekend I learned of something that just made it hard for me to write. Even through this morning it consumed my mind so much I could hardly think of anything else. So, despite the fact that I know it will upset some, I’m going to write about what has been consuming my mind the last two days.

On Saturday morning, I learned about a brother in Christ, a preacher of the gospel, who had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. I had not even heard of the brother until that news report. I spent the day praying for him off and on. On Saturday night, I learned he had faked his disappearance in order to commit sexual immorality with a 13-year-old girl. My heart broke for him, for the girl, for their families, and for their congregations.

*****EDIT: If you have already read this post once, I am adding in a clarifying statement based on some private comments I have received. I want to clarify some things before you read my initial thoughts. I guess you could say I want you to hear my second thoughts before you get to my first.

I do believe what our brother Jody did was reprehensible and wicked. I do believe he should be prosecuted for breaking the law. I do hope he comes to realize what damage he has done to that little girl, to her family, to his congregation, and to his own family. I hope having seen that bottom, he will turn to the only power that can help him overcome this sin. Please do not take my post that follows to mean I am turning a blind eye to how awful this sin was. It is its awfulness that scares me and causes me to fear for my future if I dabble in sin. It is its awfulness that prompted my thoughts. 

My prayers and my heart go out to the little girl and the family. The damage done to her is immense. The damage done to her family is equally immense. I am praying for them as they strive to recover from being victims of sin’s awful effects. 

Please understand, my point in this post is not to defend Jody’s sin. My point is to help us see the warning that Jody’s sin should provide for us. With that in mind, I realize I probably can’t clarify enough to make everyone happy or even agree with me. But I hope you can at least see my point.

As news of this leaks out to more and more people, the responses will be myriad. Here is what saddens me the most. It breaks my heart to know how Satan is going to use this. Satan will twist this so that many people will glory in their own power. “I may have made some mistakes in my time, but at least I never did that.” Kind of sounds to me like, “God, I thank you that I’m not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers…” (Luke 18:11).

Instead of using this as a testimony for our own power, we need to see it as a testimony to the power of sin. We need to take the warning about what sin can do to us. Romans 7:14-24 describes this power. I’m going to include the whole passage here because we need to read it again and again.

“For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

“So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?”

This brings to my mind what God said to Cain near the beginning, “…sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it” (Genesis 4:7). Sin wants us. It wants to run our lives. If we give it an inch, it will take a mile. No wonder we must all concede what Paul says in Ephesians 2:1-3:

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.”

Every single one of us gave sin control. Every single one of us became by nature children of wrath like the rest of mankind. Do you see what this means? This means instead of saying, “I’ve made some mistakes, but I would never do that,” we need to be shaking in our boots saying, “That could be me. Sin could do that to me too.”

Perhaps the sin that has had control of you is not lust and immorality, but arrogance, outbursts of wrath, slander, malice, drunkenness, greed, materialism, gluttony, or on the list could go. It doesn’t matter what sin you have given control in your life, it will take you farther than you ever imagined and it will destroy you. How many gluttons have abandoned their families after a heart attack? How many materialists have destroyed their families in pursuit of more and more things? How many covetous have driven away every relationship they’ve had as they wasted their money on the lottery and at casinos? How many who consistently had angry outbursts ended up killing someone even in their own family? Did they flee with a 13-year-old? No, but was the end result much different?

Five years ago, if anyone had asked our brother, Jody, about sacrificing his family, his work, even his soul in order to have a few moments of pleasure with a 13-year-old, he would have reacted exactly as we do today. “Absolutely not. I’ve done some bad things, but I would never do that.” Yet, he did. That makes me think of I Corinthians 10:12, “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” Today, I want to say, “I’d never do that.” But if I let sin have control, that is exactly where sin will take me. If you let sin have control, that is exactly where it will take you. If your favorite flavor of sin is some other matter, it will destroy your life in some other way. It will lead you to do things you had never imagined. We cannot control and enjoy sin at all.

This is not just the obligatory reference to King David, but think about him for a minute. Here was a man after God’s own heart. But he let lust weasel its way in to that heart. I don’t know exactly what happened. Perhaps it all happened in one fell swoop of sin’s axe. He may have seen her, called for her immediately, and before the night was over had committed the sin. But I can also imagine a different scenario. He lusted for Bathsheba, thinking how great it would be if she were one of his wives. He fed that lust a little bit by inquiring after her. He found out he was one of his mighty men’s wife. So he tried to put it out of his mind. But he lusted some more. He argued with himself about how wrong it was. But that lust kept tickling his heart. He finally called for her. I can even imagine that the first time she came he didn’t do anything but meet her and perhaps flirt a little. Finally, he committed immorality with her. Then, to cover up what he had done, he didn’t fake his own death; he actually killed the woman’s husband. At least our brother Jody didn’t do that. This is the power of sin in our lives.

Sadly, many of us think we can control and enjoy some level of sin. Let this story be a warning to us. Sin will take over. It will take us where we don’t want to go. None of us is immune from its power. In the end, it will destroy us.

My friends in 12-step-recovery programs have a saying about their addiction. They explain that they only have three choices: 1) locked up, 2) covered up, or 3) sobered up. That is, if they stay in their addiction it will either send them to jail or kill them so their only solution is sobriety. While Christians everywhere will be saying, “I’d never do that,” my friends in recovery will be saying, “Have I done that? Not yet.” They will understand if they don’t surrender their acting out behavior to God and start giving him control, there are all kinds of things they think they would never do that they eventually will. This attitude shouldn’t just be for those recovering from alcoholism, sexaholism, gambling addiction, or drug addiction. This attitude should also be in all of us who are recovering from our sin enslavement. (Dare I say sin addiction?)

Let me say something specifically to anyone who is reading this whose favorite flavor of sin is right up this alley. If lust is your problem and you’ve been looking at pornography, let me assure you, this could be you. It will be you if you don’t surrender this sin now and start surrendering it every day. Take a good long look at where sin took even a gospel preacher. I guarantee you when he became a Christian 15 years ago, he thought he would never commit the sin of lust and immorality again and that he would never, ever do anything like he did this weekend. But sin is relentless and progressive.

If you are a preacher and you’ve been looking at pornography, do not say to yourself, “At least I’ve never done that.” If you keep looking at pornography, you’ll do something like it eventually. That is what sin does. You cannot control and enjoy it. It will control you. Please, no matter what it costs you get some serious help for this.

However, Paul didn’t end Romans 7 with despair. He asked the question who will deliver me from this body of death. Then he gave an answer in Romans 7:25: “Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!” Jesus can deliver us.

This doesn’t mean Jesus will simply forgive us. No, it means Jesus will actually deliver us from the body of death, the body that is being controlled by the law of sin. Let me tell you what won’t deliver you. You won’t deliver you. You aren’t strong enough. You can’t set up enough rules, enough accountability partners, enough safeguards to deliver yourself from a sin-controlled body of death. The lion is attacking you (cf. I Peter 5:8). Quit thinking you can beat him. Instead, retreat into the only protection you have. Let God be your fortress of protection (Psalm 18:1-3). Put on the armor of God and be strong in His might, praying with all perseverance and petition (Ephesians 6:10-18). Live by faith in Jesus, not by faith in your power to keep Jesus’ rules, but by faith in Jesus (Galatians 2:20) and He will deliver you from your body of death.

Don’t let this story cause you to glory in your own supposed power. Instead, if you haven’t done anything like this, thank God for His grace that He hasn’t let your sins take you this far. Develop some respect for the power of sin, recognizing that it could have been you, and start surrendering it to God. Give praise to God for His power that despite all of sin’s power, we can rule over it by the power of God.

The Most Frightening Thing I’ve Ever Heard as a Parent

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I’ve heard some very frightening things as a parent. I’ve heard about statistics for teenage pregnancies, teenage drug-use, child molestation. I’ve seen shows about children being kidnapped. I’ve heard stories about children being hurt. But none of this even comes close to the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard as a parent.

Nope. One statement takes the cake. John Maxwell said it. I can’t remember what book or lesson it was in. I just know he’s the one I heard it from and I know it has stuck with me for a long time. It is really having a big impact on me today because yesterday Marita and I had to get onto all of our kids regarding how they were treating each other. I was listening to us as we especially tried to explain to Tessa how the way she acts influences others. When we were saying that, this one frightening statement hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I’m sure it won’t scare some of you the way it frightens me, but I want to put it out there for you to think upon and grow wise.

Are you ready?

“We teach what we know, we reproduce what we are.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! I wish I could run and hide. Here’s what I’ve taken from it. Before I can even remotely try to fix my kids, I’ve got to work on me.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know I still have to step up and teach my kids what I know. But before I arrogantly wonder how on earth kids that behave like this came from me, I should spend a little more time looking at me honestly.

Practice Gratitude with Others Even When They Don’t Seem to Deserve It

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I’m reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (Yes, that is an affiliate link. I’m liking it so much, I hope you’ll buy it too). Last week, I read something so profound I knew it had to be this week’s Springboard for Your Spiritual Life.

Consider the Corinthian church. It was seriously messed up. There was all kinds of division. There was immaturity. They were messing up the Lord’s Supper. They were botching up their assemblies. They were even arrogantly having fellowship with a man who was having sexual relations with his father’s wife. (Ugh!)

But notice how Paul began his letter. “I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus” (I Corinthians 1:4). WOW!!!

Despite all the junk going on in Corinth, Paul said, “I give thanks for you.” Paul found something to give thanks for even with the Corinthians and he did it always. I’m not sure we can fully mine all the amazing things from this one principle.

If we really want to lead great spiritual lives, gratitude is going to have to be a common practice. We even need to learn to be grateful with people and during times that just don’t seem to deserve it. We can either find all the bad things and talk about how much we hate them. Or we can find some things and thank God for them. I bet you can guess which one will make you a more spiritually minded person.

Here are some potential exercises to help you increase your gratitude. You don’t have to do them all at the same time. But making these a repeated part of your life will definitely improve your spirit and your attitude.

  1. List 20 things in general for which you are thankful today.
  2. Pick every member of your immediate family. Now list five things about each one for which you are thankful. I don’t mean, “I’m thankful for their health.” I mean thinks that make you thankful they are in your life.
  3. Think of 5 people that are causing you a great deal of irritation, stress, sorrow, or angst. Now list something about each one that you are thankful for.
  4. List 5 things about your job for which you are thankful.
  5. List 5 things about the congregation of which you are a part for which you are thankful.
  6. List 10 things about yourself for which you are thankful.

Be thankful today.

P.S. If you’d like to get some more great insights, check out Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.

Don’t Miss These Marriage Retreats from InLight, Inc.

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In today’s Springboard for Your Family, I’m really excited to tell you about an upcoming marriage retreats presented by InLight, Inc. InLight, Inc. is a non-profit organization dedicated to helping folks have better marriages by offering a series of retreats. They started up in Lake of the Ozarks back in 2000, but with so much success have branched out into other locations.

InLight, Inc. presently has one retreat with remaining openings in 2009. It is in Lake of the Ozarks, Missouri on October 16-18, 2009. Yes, that says 2009. It is only a matter of weeks away. However, I just got off the phone with Mark Broyles, President of InLight, Inc. and he says there are still about 5 openings. Don’t miss out and don’t wait until 2010. Get in there right now. Not to mention, this is the cheapest of their retreats. Check it out right away.

They have two retreats scheduled in 2010. One is in Chattanooga, TN on March 12-14, 2010. The other is in Howey-in-the-Hills, FL on July 30-August 1, 2010.

The retreat is entitled “Fireproof Your Marriage.” They have purchased the rights to show the movie publicly. The entire retreat will get to watch the movie and then the classes will all focus on aspects of the movie that can really help married couples. 

Classes include “Differences Between Men and Women,” “Forgiveness,” “Showing God’s Love to Your Spouse,” and “The Covenant Nature of Marriage.” At each retreat there is time given to allow the couples to spend time on their own, getting to know each other better, discussing the workshops, or just spending time together seeing the sights in the nearby area. 

Trust me, you want to be part of this retreat. I just found out about these new retreats this weekend. Marita and I are working to see if our schedules can be arranged to join. You won’t want to miss this great weekend of marriage improvement either. Whether your marriage is in trouble or whether you are just trying to provide some more protection from the fires Satan is going to throw your way, these retreats will be great for your marriage.

I hope to give you some insight into these retreats over the next few weeks by providing some guest posts by the men and women who are integral in putting on this retreat. But don’t wait for those posts. Head over to InLight’s website and get your registration form right now. Don’t miss out because you didn’t sign up quickly enough.

I Am Not Your God and I Need to Quit Acting Like It

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Sorry for missing Thursday’s and Friday’s posts and for being so late today. As I mentioned in last Wednesday’s post, I was under the weather a good bit last week. Additionally, I’m having some trouble with my internet at home and couldn’t get to this page to update it. I’m working on that. I can access the page from my office, so I’ll try to stay on top of this week’s posts.

Also, let me remind you that there are still a few more days (through August 26) in which you can be of some big help to me and the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I’m still a good ways from my bail goal and would really appreciate your help. Just check out the website and make a donation (no matter how large or small) and you’ll be a big help to someone who is suffering with Muscular Dystrophy. Thanks.

I Am Not Your God and I Need to Quit Acting Like It

Over at Give Attention to Reading last week, we were reading through Romans. Romans 14:4 caught one reader’s eye. I just have to share what talking about this point brought to my attention about our spiritual lives.

“Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the lord is able to make him stand.”

Please don’t misunderstand anything I’m going to say here. I fully recognize God calls us to make judgments, but to do so with a righteous judgment (cf. John 7:24). I also know this passage is not condemning congregational discipline when prompted properly (cf. Matthew 18:15-20; I Corinthians 5:1-13). However, Paul means something when he reminds us that we are not anyone’s master. 

I can’t help but think about my own children. I don’t know how many times a day I have to remind one of them, “Hey, you are not the parent.” Of course, Tessa suffers badly from oldest child syndrome and I have to remind her repeatedly, “Tessa, you are not Ethan and Ryan’s mom.” She may claim she is just trying to help. She may claim she is just joking. She may claim she is just trying to uphold our rules. But in those instances, it is all too plain to see her taking authority to herself that simply isn’t hers. Usually, we are right there to say, “You aren’t the parent.”

Along with Romans 14:4, that caused me to stop in my tracks and wonder. How many times a day as I speak to others is God up in heaven, shaking His head saying, “Edwin, you are not their God.” Certainly, I should be there to help others. Certainly when I see someone turning from God’s path, I need to come up alongside them and encourage them in the right way. However, I am not their God. I have to make sure I’m coming alongside as a fellow brother, traveler, partner. I should come along as a concerned friend. Too often I come along as the authority trying to wield some kind of punitive right over them. Too easily I lift myself up as if I am above them. God simply says, “Edwin, stop acting like that. You are not their God.” 

Additionally, I need to remember that God has granted leeway in many cases. I do not get to act like my way is equivalent to God’s. This may be something as simple as how we dress for the church’s assembly. I personally like to dress up as a way to show respect for what we are doing. That doesn’t mean I get to make a rule for everyone else and demand they show respect my way or view them as not quite as spiritual as me. On the other hand, others may prefer to dress more casually for any number of reasons. They don’t get to look down on me as old-fashioned or traditionalistic and make up a rule that I have to dress down to be really spiritual like them. As I am making judgments about how to live my life where God has provided principles but not drawn exact lines, I have to take some real care about acting like I’m God. I’m not (aren’t you thankful?).

I think if we can all remember that we are not the master, we are not God, relationships in Christ’s body would probably all be just a bit smoother. If we can remember that we are just fellow servants with one another, brothers and sisters, and approach each other with that attitude, even great differences might be resolved better.

The next time you are approaching someone else with God’s word, take a moment to remind yourself, “I’m not their God.” I bet it helps.